Closer

Just up the street from me.

Monday night a terrible storm rolled through our little college town.  Tuesday morning, my neighborhood in particular, woke up to trees down all over the place (many landing on houses) and no power to our homes.  Some roads were blocked off completely by fallen trees or power lines.  It kind of resembled a war zone!   The city workers and power crews got to work right away, but there was MUCH work to be done.

Tuesday, after work, I returned home with my daughter and dog to find I still had no electricity.  It was VERY hot in the house so we decided to go to shopping while we pondered our options.  I was thinking maybe we could go to the pool (or lake) next and that would be a good place to "chill" until the sun got lower in the sky.

While I was at the store I purchased a small throw rug for Kevin so on the way to get our swim gear we stopped by his house to drop it off and found that he did have electricity, air conditioning and a cold refrigerator.  So then Beanie and I headed home to unload the fridge and pack an overnight bag.

Back at Kevin's house I loaded my cheese and lunch meat into his fridge while Beanie moved herself into the guest room.  She had packed her own things at our house and after I finished in the kitchen I went to check on her and see how she was doing (and what she packed).  Much to my amusement she was settling in with gusto.  She had her favorite stuffed animals on the bed along with her "blanky".  She had her PJs laid out and her clothes for art camp the next day.  Shoes lined up on the floor.  She moved the tissues by the bed so they were handy should she need them.  She scooted the "boy" stuff out of the way (some baseball bobble heads) so she could put her stuff on the dresser.  She was so stinking cute as she showed me her setup.  Later I went in the bathroom to find her toothbrush in the holder and her mouthwash by the sink!

Kevin showed up a bit later and we had dinner.  Then Beanie got ready for bed.  She had almost fallen asleep in the car earlier so I knew she was tired.  I set her up to watch satelite TV which is a treat we don't have at our house.  Kevin and I settled in on the couch where we looked up stuff on his tablet and chatted about everything we could think of.  (It's what we do.)  Soon the Bean dozed off so I put her to bed. 

This morning everyone woke up well rested and in a great mood.  As we all got ready to leave for our busy day I was stuck by how smoothly things were going and how peaceful it all felt.  This was the first time that all three of us were together for the morning "routine" and it went just fine.  As Beanie and I were headed out the door Kevin reached out to hug her good-bye and then I saw him pause.  He patted her on the back and gave her a warm "have a great day!"  Later he told me she was so cute that he wanted to hug her but then decided maybe it wasn't time yet.  He takes to fathering like a fish to water.  Just another thing I love about him.

As more time goes by he and I just get closer and closer and it just feels better and better.  I am starting to actually believe we may live happily ever after!  (I hope admitting that doesn't put a curse on it.)

The scene at Uwe's house.  Just missed his truck!

Worst Run Of My Life

I have to say....I did not see this one coming!

Yesterday Husband and I left the paper signing up in the air.  He said "lets think about it over night and we can decide in the morning".  To which I agreed.

Last night I did my 25 mile bike ride with Meghan and Kevin and then slept fine.  This morning when I got up to go run I still had not made up my mind about the signing.  I just figured I could stew on it until the last minute as I knew Husband was dropping our daughter at school at 8 am and I had until then to decide.

While on my morning run I catch my running partner Meghan up on what is going on.  As I talked to her I was really short of breathe.  This has happened before and I didn't know why, but now I realize it is only when I talk about Husband and the divorce.

As the run progresses I struggle more and more.  I tell her I think I am actually having so much stress and anxiety lately that it is physically effecting me.  I mean last fall I was running about 6 miles at a 9 minute pace.  Today I struggled to keep it under 10!!

At some point she says "just sign the papers and move on....this is driving you crazy" and I think she is right, I just need to call him and sign the papers today and get it over with.  And then I stopped running.  I couldn't really move forward.  I didn't do it on purpose my body just stopped.  I regrouped and started again.  Thinking to myself I remembered how relieved I was when I finally moved out and then I thought surely once the papers are signed I will again be relived.  SO I then think again "YES I will sign them today" and I stop running.  Stand there and feel incapable of running.  My body is aching head to toe.  I can't breath and my legs are lead.  I'm gasping for air and I feel faint.  I lean over and hope I don't pass out.  I try to control my breathing but I can't.

We start running again but I am really holding her back so I tell her to go on and she does.  I have about 2 miles to go and now I am alone.  I keep thinking about the papers and I stuggle to run at all.  "I KNOW I need to sign them."  I stop again and bust out crying.

Why is this so hard!?!?!?!  WHY am I so week.  I am an emotional cripple.  I can't stand up for myself.  Husband has proven over and over again that he is a selfish liar.  I don't want him back yet I still feel like I am giving up.  Like I am a loser.  Like I should have tried harder.  Like if there is any chance I cant walk away from it.

Then I mull over the whole idea of actually working on our marriage and I KNOW that won't work so I need to sign the papers.  I just cry and cry.

I finally get back to the parking lot but I can't talk at all.  I feel like I am going to faint again.  I catch my breath and make it to my car.

This is so stupid!

Peace

Last night at a bit past 8 pm, Husband came over to talk about the papers.  There was a weird moment not too long after he arrived where he pulled out the papers, asked for a pen and acted like we were going have this super important business meeting.  Then, all of a sudden, he just set them down and said "I'll sign them".  And that was that.

Maybe he was giving up?  Maybe he had planned a big meeting and discussion and then decided he didn't have the energy for it?  Maybe it was some symbolic gesture he felt compelled to make?  It doesn't really matter.

Then we just sat there and talked until 10 pm when the time felt right and he left.  I don't remember a single thing we said but I know it was all good.  We exchange positive, loving feelings.  It was cathartic and we both needed it.  We held each other and it felt comforting. I think we have finally AGREED to start a new chapter in our lives.  It was like he finally decided I wasn't the enemy and he didn't have to "win".

We parted feeling satisfied if not happy.  We parted feeling a certain peace that this is where we both want to go next.  It was good and I am glad it happened.

Email from Husband

"The start of our relationship is such a minefield.
I’m sorry for all that.
I did grow to love and respect you. I realized how very much I had come to respect you only after you left me.
Although you have your warts…..you are an amazing woman.
I’m sorry for taking you for granted."

Two Very Different Relationships

Quick post….have to get this stuff in writing. The contrast keeps glaring at me and I want to write it down. This is the difference between a REAL relationship and ….well……..whatever my marriage was.

Long road trip together: In the car: Husband – gets annoyed if I talk too much. Prefers to wear his ear buds and block me out. Kevin – Lets me talk and talk and talk and he seems to actually enjoy the company. Upon arriving home: Husband -can’t wait to get out of the car and get away from me. Too much time with me makes him really cranky. Kevin - texts me about 30 minutes after dropping me off to tell me how much he misses me already.

Headed to the grocery store (or any purchases in general): Husband – lets me pay for everything even though he eats 90% of it. Never offers to pay for anything if he can get me to foot the bill. Never wants to shop together as that would be wasting someone’s time. Very happy to keep all his money for himself. Kevin – tags along to keep me company and then at the checkout WILL NOT LET ME PAY even though 90% of the food is going to my house. He says I buy and do stuff for him all the time and it is his turn to pay. He has NO interest in taking advantage of me financially.

Sunday morning run: Husband – grudgingly keeps our daughter so I can go do a run. If I don’t get back ASAP he is cranky that I am keeping him from getting to do what he wants to do for himself. Kevin – volunteered to keep the girl, happily entertained her with activities he thought SHE would like. When I called because I was running late (bad route plan on my part) he cheerfully said to take my time and not worry about them they would be fine. Kevin has an even temperament and that is so AWESOME.

Storm sirens go off at 1 am: Husband – if I wake him I will piss him off. If I called him he would not answer. Kevin – I can call and he will be kind, soothing and check the radar for me. The new place doesn’t have a basement so I was a little freaked out about a tornado coming.

I know it is easy to assume that because our relationship is new Kevin is on his best behavior but here is the thing……I see him treat his friends and family the same way. He is kind, helpful and giving to all the people in his life. His co-workers like him, his boss loves him, and his employees respect him. He has healthy relationships with his kids and buddies. He shovels his parents’ driveway before he does his own. The man, as best I can tell, is the real deal and is not “acting” a certain way to impress me. In fact he is adamant that he is who he is and that is that. It’s so damn refreshing when you have lived the last 8 years with a man who is ALWAYS putting on an act or playing a role or looking to deceive. STBX is just a shady character (and always has been from the start) and I just can’t live like that!

Erotion of Hope

The three blows that killed my marriage:

1) When we went to the marriage counselor together I had great hopes that things would finally improve. BUT, that is not what happened. This was the first real blow to my hopes that our marriage would work out.

2) We finally scheduled a family vacation in the summer of 2012. While we were in Cancun we stayed at a very nice all inclusive hotel. It was the perfect setting for a little romance or at least some cozy walks on the beach with your hubby. Again, I was hopeful that we would have a fantastic time and I would return feeling good about where our marriage was headed. Instead, the first time I initiated anything resembling intimacy I was met with resistance. The second time he flat out asked me if I was trying to ruin our vacation! That was a slap in the face I will never forget.

3) The final blow was just this last summer when only days before a scheduled party that we were supposed to attend together (I had made sure we had a sitter and purchased a new dress. Lots of planning) he came up with an alternative plan that would put him out of town instead of at the party with me. This was the same day I said FUCK IT and went on a motorcycle ride with my friend Kevin. This was the final nail in the coffin.

Then I tell Husband I want a divorce THEN he decides he wants to be married to me; he wants another chance to show me he loves me. He had a million chances to show me that he wanted to be married to me and chose to pass them up.

Ever since December when Husband and I started discussing divorce I have had this occasional nagging thought “what if he really could change? What if I stayed and things were different and we could still be a family?” I never wanted anything more in life than to have a REAL family with a loving supportive husband.

At times I felt tempted to give it a shot but then I would think about breaking Kevin’s heart and know I couldn’t do that. Then I would think of all the things Husband has done in the past and remind myself that it is easy for him to talk a good talk, but he has never been able to follow up with real actions. Past behavior is the best indicator of future outcomes. He is who he is and he won’t change even if I give him 100 chances.

Not to mention that there is a good chance that his big acts of “I DO love you…I finally see that!” were easy enough for him to put out there if he was pretty sure I wouldn’t actually respond. It makes him look good and feel good to think he begged me to stay. But does it count if he really didn’t want me to stay and never would have made those gestures if he thought I actually would take him up on it?

Lately he seems very happy and well-adjusted with no interest what so ever in me. I would venture to say if he really loved me it would take more than 3 months to recover from this. Just saying.

Yesterday Husband and I had a brief email talk and just to test the water (cause he was still playing the poor me my wife left me game) I told him what I wanted and needed in a husband and told him if he REALLY thought he could give me that, and wanted to, we could give it one last try. AND I cautioned him strongly not to say yes unless he really meant it. He never responded!

The point is he does not, nor did he ever want to be MY husband. He is actually happy it worked out like this.  Now he can go find some young pretty arm candy to date.  The few little outburst or emotional reactions were probably 90% conjured up so he could feel that he is normal and gives a shit or they were just him being sad that he no longer has a live in maid and babysitter.  Oh and that I took the peanut butter.

I am so ready to sign the papers and never look back!

Moving Delayed and Reflecting on My Life

My move has been pushed back to Monday the 17th. To say I can’t wait is an understatement. Even Husband said he is looking forward to it so we get out of this “limbo” we are currently in.

This last week Husband has been fairly agreeable and happy. He says he finally realized that fussing and fuming wasn’t changing anything, in fact it was just making everyone needlessly tense and upset. I am happy that he is smart enough to realize that. It is actually smart of him because if he was to save our marriage (something he still brings up regularly) being nice, not mean, would be the best plan.

KP is out of town this week on a business trip. I sure do miss him. I have volunteered to take Beanie every single day after school, and that, no doubt, is helping to keep the Husband’s mood elevated.

Lately, I do a lot of reflecting on my relationships over the past few years. I keep noticing all these little things that KP does that show me he respects and values me and then I think of all the times I let Husband or Uwe (and others before them) treat me like crap and not show me the proper respect.

Uwe’s birthday was the other day so I messaged him birthday wishes along with mentioning that I am sorry we are no longer friends. He replied back with something snide and ugly. Rather than feeling hurt or offended (the old me) I just thought to myself “man he is not the type of person I want to be friends with…I can do so much better!”

One of my focuses going forward is to always be aware of the level of respect I am “demanding” from those around me. I know that I have put up with crappy treatment way to much in my life and I need to end that cycle. I need to weed out the people that take from me and don’t give anything back. I need to set the bar higher for entrance into my heart.

I have also noticed how having a person treat me with respect and kindness makes the whole world seem like a nicer place. Every single day, everything I do just seems better. I have more energy and
more optimism than I have had in over 14 years!

I had a therapist many years ago that told me all I needed to do to feel better was to find a healthy relationship and I would be fine. I thought he was oversimplifying things. But, in a way he was right.

I also had a therapist many years ago who told me I need to be happy (or at least optimistic) even when life is not perfect or throws me a curve ball. Basically her theory was that your goal should be to make the best of what you have rather than chasing a dream. I know she has a valid point (in a way) but at the same time, you have to know when a situation is bad for you and GET OUT OF IT if at all possible.

I think over the past 14 years I have made two big mistakes in my thinking:

1) That changing my attitude was more important than changing my situation. In other words, many will tell you that “you are only as happy as you want to be. So be happy and the rest will fall into place.” FALSE – people around you can bring you down. Bad relationships are destructive. You can’t fix many problems by changing your “mind” about them. Sometimes you need to just realize that, living with a slob or a negative introvert is NOT healthy to your well-being and get the hell away from them.

2) That there will be a miracle cure or a pivotal moment that will change things dramatically. I know I have heard people exclaim how finding God changed their lives or life is such a gift now that they are sober or even the ones who say “see a good therapist to fix X or Y”. But here’s the thing….I have tried EVERYTHING thinking that each might be the magic key that was going to make things change. I have searched and searched for the “answer” to my problems. In the end I have decided that having been raised in an abusive situation and suffering from ADHD are things that affect me EVERY single day of my life and I will always have to be aware of them and work to keep their impact on me under control. I will never wake up one day and be cured. The best I can hope for is the energy and foresight to make the best of who I am and to except that I may not be who I want to be and that is OK.

Lastly I have to say that setting out to find friends who know the real me and accept me for who I am is key to all this. I think in the past I always felt it was important to be perfect or hide my dark secrets so people would like me. NOW I am trying to have the attitude that…. hey I am flawed (we all are actually) and if you don’t like my flaws then you can stay the fuck away from me! In other words take me for who I am, the good the bad and the ugly or don’t take me at all AND I really don't care if you choose not to take me because there will be others who will.

I admit KP has done many things to make me realize all of the above. He seems too actually like things about me that many people have told me they dislike. It is so damn refreshing to have this acceptance and it makes me aware that other people could accept me too; that I am not such a pathetic, old, mentally ill person that I have no value.

I guess KP got my self esteem ball rolling and now I am running with it.  I am working hard to get my attitude set in the right direction and then KEEP IT THERE.  I am not going to let petty, selfish people drag me down and trigger me into a depression anymore. 

Reading Chump Lady has helped too! seriously she has helped wake me up to how I thought I was being nice but I was just being a doormat.  When I feel weak I read some more and gather a little personal strength from her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
I probably won’t be able to post much for the next few weeks; work is busy, moving and taxes need to be done, not to mention I am swamped with multisport club accounting that I have NO TIME FOR. I am just hoping I can actually get it all done with a reasonable degree of accuracy!!  Wish me luck.

He is Cracking

I received this email from my STBX today:

"I have always been lonely –since I was a little boy. The two ways of dealing with that are 1) need people less 2) bring people into your life. Needing people less is easy for me. Bringing people into my life is hard. The way we started our relationship made it that much harder to let you in. I know I have missed out on so much in life because I haven’t let people in. I don’t want to continue to live that way. I don’t want to be like my father. I want to be happy."

In the last two weeks I think he has finally reached some real "awakening" about what happened to our marriage and how he played a role in that. I feel good that this may actually end up making him a better person and a happier person.

I responded to the above email with this:
" This is the BEST thing I have ever heard you say!! Its HUGE!"

We went on to discuss how he wants me to be his REAL friend and help him in life. I told him that I would be happy to be his friend...that I have always wanted that. I reminded him that this does not mean I still want to be his wife.....too many trust and respect issues. But he seems to have accepted that the marriage is over which is good. He has now moved on to focusing on making his (our) future the best he can.

I have to say I am relieved that he is being such a big person and things are actually going smoothly at this point. I am still prepping to move out and although he is not HAPPY to see me go he has accepted it and is not being a jerk. I feel lucky.

Know Me

Yesterday it came to my attention that my husband doesn’t know me at all. I know it sounds crazy to say, but it’s true. Now of course we have been together for over 7 years so he knows what I look like and most of my habits and my phone number, etc. BUT he doesn’t really know me on an intimate/personal level at all. AND I guess I always knew that but I never really thought about it until yesterday.

This man had a child with me, lived with me, married me and yet never had a desire to really get to know me. How fucked up is that!?!?!

The more I step out and look back at all this the more I can put together the picture of what was REALLY happening. He was satisfied to have me around because I was easy. I paid my fair share (sometimes more); I took good care of our daughter and house. I didn’t cause him too much grief. I gave him regular sex for most of the years we were together. So basically if he wasn’t pining for a real relationship (which I think just stress him out - remember he has NO friends) our situation was ideal for him. He got all the benefits of being married but none of the downside; you know the part where feel responsible for the emotional wellbeing of your wife.

Hell, the only time he ever seemed unhappy was when I tried to levy some expectations on him or expected him to interact with me on a non-superficial level.  Other than that he was perfectly happy.

And yes, I know that I let him get away with that. This is where my upbringing comes into play. This is what happens when your parents teach you to shut up and eat shit sandwiches. You grow up and eat them for your unloving husband because you are trying your damndest to keep everyone happy and together even if it is at your own emotional expense. I have been trained to be a doormat. Sad isn’t it?

Interestingly enough, KP sees this in me and always calls me out on it. EVEN WITH HIM. He taught his daughter to be a strong woman. His parents taught him to be a strong man. He pushes me to be strong too and I love him for that. I can’t tell you how many times I say things like “I am sorry” and he says “I don’t want you to be sorry, I want you to stand up for yourself and make good decisions and then stand by them.” (in other words don’t kiss my ass woman, do what is best for you because I respect you)

That’s it really, he respects me. Husband NEVER has.

**********

Another idea that keeps flopping around in mind; husband said, more than once, since this divorce stuff started that he is “jealous that I have someone”. So I ask you this….if this man actually loved me wouldn’t he be jealous that another man has me? Wouldn’t he be sad that he is losing his wife? But instead he is just pouting that he doesn’t have someone too!!

This is the kind of shit I would have “spackled” for him in the past. I would have thought oh he just doesn’t express himself well, or I took him wrong, or I read too much into stuff he says….BUT not anymore. Truth of the matter is that if you listed with your heart and your instincts they are screaming the truth at you. I am sure that is why I have spent so much time over the last 7 years feeling lost, hurt and crazy. I wasn’t listening to those voices, the ones that were looking out for my best interests.

***************

This morning husband told me he didn’t sleep AT ALL last night and when I asked why he said he would email me. This makes me nervous! So now I sit here at my desk trying to work but too distracted because I am just waiting to find out what the hell has him “worked up”.

He still scares me because I still feel like I don’t really know what he might do next. There is just no peace for me until he is no longer in a position to mess me up. It’s too much like tip toeing around my dad waiting for his next blow up. Inconsistent people scare me and my husband is one of the most inconsistent people I know.

Reason He Drives Me Crazy #321

I know it’s not a huge thing, but here is an example of one of the things about my husband that make me nuts.

He can’t just make a plan and then execute it.

Example:

A few weeks ago he told me that his mom wanted to see Beanie and we could send her out for the weekend. He wanted me to tell him if the weekend of the 18th was good for me. I told him it would be better the weekend of the 25th since I have my multisport club annual banquet that night. He said OK.

About a week ago he told me that he would go with Beanie to visit his parents. He would drive out on Friday after work and return at some point on Sunday.

Earlier this week his mom emailed me asking if she could visit the child. I am pretty sure he had already talked to her about his plan. She was just making nice in her mind. I find it odd to ask me when the plans are already made. But that’s not the point of this post.

Then this morning he tells me that he has changed his mind and he won’t be going along with Beanie. He will be staying here for the weekend and just going out Sunday to pick her up.

So………I have had it in my head that I would have a relaxing weekend home alone with no one to bother me. I figured I could sort, pack or whatever pleased me. You know, enjoy my “apartment” like I actually have my own place. Now, instead, I have to choose between being home with him where he will want awkward contact or pointless discussions with me or I can make scarce and wonder if he is going thru my room and taking things out of my packed boxes.

BUT, this happens EVERY time he (we) try to make plans. We can’t just say on XX date we will do YY. It has to be a moving target. It has to be a last minute change. He has to act like we didn’t agree or it was never discuss. Remember the train trip?  UGH

I am sure there is some great reason why he must be this way but I don’t get it. I find it annoying that people can’t make a plan and then stick to it. When people are wishy washy and can’t commit it seems shady to me or the very least just irresponsible.

I openly admit that I am a type A person and I am anal about lots of things and this is a quirk that some other woman may not even notice (and she can have him). BUT, it makes me nutty!

I am sure some might think he is being flexible or "go with the flow" which would be desirable.  But it never feels like he is being nice or agreeable….it’s feels more like he is being difficult.

Bad Days and Good Days

Saturday KP had a bad day. This is hard for him too. He hates for me to be upset….he hates to feel like an outsider or a secret. He wants to do more to help. We both can’t wait until the day things are just “normal”. His bad day translated into a stressful evening together. But happily it ended in good communication and everyone being back to normal.

Sunday I was having a good day when I happen to check my Facebook and realize Uwe wasn’t showing up in my PM list. I then searched for him and he is GONE!!! ( Now just a few weeks ago he was bragging how he has NEVER unfriended or blocked anyone.) Well he unfriended and blocked me!!  As far as I knew we were still trying to be civil and get along since we see each other so often and have all the same friends.

I was totally triggered and immediately called him to “discuss” what the hell was up. Long story short, we had a long argument that did NO GOOD (as usual) and I was left feeling stunned, hurt, rejected, triggered, and worthless, etc. I know this is no surprise....it has happened many times before.

Down the rabbit hole I went!

I went to the store and got a bottle of wine (don't judge, I'm not rational or smart when triggered) and headed to KP house to sit and be sulky. He got home later to find me drunk and depressive. He was kind and cuddly and let me fall asleep in his lap; a worn out ball of furry over a situation that really has nothing to do with Uwe and everything to do with low self-esteem and the feeling that I am not of value ….that I am unlovable. (Thanks a lot Mom and Dad!)

Monday morning we awoke and he told me 100 times that he loves me but then finally called me as I was driving home to very gently scold me for being so negative and hard on myself. I was still very depressed but it sure was nice to have his kind support.

Monday I muddled through my day not feeling any better. Still wanting it all to make sense, still trying to shake the feeling I had been punched in the head. Still wondering why EVERYONE in my life abandons me.

I read ChumpLady and “trust that they suck” really resonated with me. I try too hard to understand why people do what they do. I want it all to make sense but it just doesn’t.

Monday night Beanie and I worked on cleaning up a very old, very dirty, very cheap futon couch that KP gave me for free because he was sick of storing it in his tiny basement.  He had gotten it for free many years ago and never used it except to stack junk on.  I am just happy to now have a place to sit in my new makeshift apartment in the basement. Beanie and I had fun using the vacuum cleaner attachments to clean it up and then we put a brand new clean fuzzy cover over it. It turned out nice and she settled in to watch a Little House on The Prairie DVD while I cleaned up some more stuff down stairs.

Monday night I went to bed still hurt and then I awoke at about 3 am ruminating over the whole incident. Around 4 am I finally fell back asleep and had another vivid dream. In this dream I was in a large dormitory or hospital and I was trying to find KPs room. I thought I knew where it was but was disappointed when I entered the room only to find two complete strangers there. Then I saw a friend in the hallway and asked her “I can’t find his room?” She happily led me down the corridor feeling sure she was taking me where I wanted to go. This time I popped into the room to see Uwe sitting there in the second bed. We gave each other awkward looks and I left quickly without a word. Finally it occurred to me that KP was going to leave to go somewhere so if I went out front I might just run into him. As luck would have it, just as I found his motorcycle he was arriving to get on it to depart. We made eye contact and he was so happy to see me he grabbed me, hugged me and picked me up …….and I was weightless! I was so happy and light…….we just embraced each other for the longest time and then….. I WOKE UP!

And I was happy!! I wasn’t sad anymore. Tuesday was a GREAT day.

Last night after work I went over to KPs house and we ate left over soup and cleaned his kitchen for a while. We threw out some old, out of date canned goods from his pantry, we Windexed the oven door and the fridge. We even wiped the old wood cabinets down with wood oil. They looked like new! He was so happy…..said it was like a new kitchen.  He admits that since his kids moved out he just gets by and doesn't do all that he used to.  He tells me how happy he is to have me around because everything is better when we are together.

We talked for at least 6 hours on Tuesday! (who the hell does that?) And when I left for home, we both agreed that we love each other more every single day.

The furry cover was 50% off. 
It is so fun and soft!  Husband would hate it!

I Deserve Better

For a long time I have been struggling with the idea of getting divorced and being alone for the rest of my life. I know there is a chance that I will find real love but I know that at my age it is not particularly likely or a given.

However, like a sledge hammer, it finally hit me…..I deserve a real relationship and if I can’t have that I deserve to be free to do as I please without the confines of marriage or living with someone who drags me down emotionally.

I deserve better!
I deserve a real relationship.
I deserve to feel loved and that I am part of a “couple”.
I deserve to be heard, valued and respected.
I deserve a significant other that makes me happy not depressed. Or I at least deserve to be free to be myself and have my own life.

It kind of struck me this weekend that I keep telling people my husband is now better than he was in the past, that he is not as mean as he used to be. But being around KP has brought back some perspective and you know what….I don’t think husband is notably better, I just got used to his behavior and quit taking it personally.

The ignoring me, not saying hello or good-bye; he still does that; I just don’t give it a thought anymore. The always doing something without me; yeah he still does that but he does help me more with our daughter and allow me more freedom which makes it easier to swallow.

In the final analysis I have just come to expect and accept his lowly way of living and I really do not need to settle for this. I need to get away from him before he whittles down every last shred of self-esteem and expectation for my own life that I possess!

I have 3 New Year’s resolutions:
1) Get divorced
2) Get a new job
3) Get back into an eating and exercising routine that is HEALTHY for me.

So I plan to ask him to move out after the holidays. And for once I feel strong enough to actually do it. In fact, I am looking forward to reclaiming my life.

A Phone Call You Do Not Want To Get

It’s 2 pm and I’m way behind here at work. I’ve been meaning to write all day long but I’m just in a fog. The day didn’t start good and then it got much worse.

I was sound asleep and suddenly awoke from an odd dream. I checked the time and it was 4:44….one minute and my alarm would go off. I got up and put on layers of running gear. The thermometer read 11 degrees and I thought I could hear the wind howling outside. I texted my running partner and she advised that with the wind chill it is a whopping ZERO degrees and she was bagging the run. I finished getting ready and vowed to run unless the flag was blowing straight out at the top of the hill.

Once in the car I saw the flag bobbing and remembered it had been acting funny. It is not hanging correctly for some reason and hasn’t moved in a week. But I could tell it was windy and I am still recovering from a terrible cold so I just decided to say screw the run and go over and cuddle with KP.

Once I got to his house I settle my dog at the foot of the bed and crawled in bed with him and Binky (his tiny little dog). I tucked my head on his shoulder and he wrapped his arms around me and soon we both dozed off. Next thing you know it is an hour later and time to get ready for work. He had a meeting to get to and had to leave the house by 7:15 at the latest!

I showed while he shaved and then he showed up quickly. We both got ready and started our cars to warm up. It was now 7:10 and we sat on the couch for our last 5 minutes together. At 7:15 he looked at his watch and said “shit it’s time to go” and RIGHT then his phone rang.

He picked up quickly and answered it as he muttered “it’s Jordon”. I could hear her sobbing as he asked her what was wrong. He then told her to calm down because he couldn’t understand. When he talks to her he uses the same loving soothing tones he uses with me. She is so lucky to have such a wonderful father. He would do ANYTHING for her. She kept sobbing and I figured she had wrecked her car. He bought her a new car when she left for college. She made great grades and earned scholarships and he is so very proud of her.

She sobbed some words and he stood up and let out an audible gasp of horror. I sat there and listened and felt his mood move from concern to shock as he started pacing. She gave him some phone numbers and he asked if she wanted him to come get her.   He told her he would be there as soon as he could and he would call her back in a few minutes and hung up.

I looked at him and he sat back down next to me and told me…… Jordon’s mom is dead. Yes his ex-wife, the mother of his kids, Gage’s grandma…DEAD!!

As usual my first thought is NO WAY can this be true. He seemed to believe it. He told me he was going to go get Jordon and bring her home. He then made two quick work calls to cancel his meeting and tell his boss he would not be at work. He then had to call his eldest Aaron.

I sat next to him holding his leg as he phoned Aaron and told him. I heard Aaron break down in tears and I watched my strong man start to cry too. They talked a bit and when he got off the phone we held each other as he told me how close Aaron was to his mom and how much it hurts to see his kids go through this. We both cried and I fetched the Kleenex from the bathroom and cried some more.

He asked me if it would be inappropriate to call the ex-wife’s live in boyfriend to find out the details. I told him I don’t think he would mind; so he did. The women died in her sleep on the couch last night. She was very overweight and not in great health. She was only 45 years old!

We then scurried around to straighten up the house for company and he grabbed his phone charger. I handed him the box of tissues and said “take these you will need them”. Off we drove, me to work and him to fetch his lovely young daughter so she could come home to bury her mother.

It’s heart breaking. I never met the woman but my ex-husband has worked with her for the past 15 years. I talked to him briefly this morning and the whole office is in shock. She was a very upbeat and happy lady and a great social worker. They will all miss her.

I told KP to call me if he needs anything and to know I am here for him. This stuff really makes you take note of what is really important in life!

The Fun Never Stops

Yesterday (Monday) morning I took my 6 year old to work with me. Her school takes off the whole week of Thanksgiving. At noon we went home, I fed her lunch and then we laid down so she would take a nap. Right on queue her father arrived at 1 pm and I left him in charge of sleeping beauty and returned to work. After work I ran to the grocery store to pick up a few items and headed home. When I got there both of them were gone. I assumed they went to the gym so he could work out.  I also assumed they would be home shortly.

By 8 they were still not home and I was bored silly sitting there by myself. I dozed off watching Antique Road Show on PBS. If I had known they would not be home all evening I would have left and gone shopping or visited friends or something! I absolutely hate “wasting” my time sitting around the house alone waiting.

Why didn’t I call him you wonder? Well I would have but he rarely if ever answers the phone. I just don’t call anymore after getting his voice mail 99% of the time over the past 7 years. He never calls me either….some sort of unwritten rule?!?!

Reflecting more….if I had called and he had answered the phone and I had asked where he was, he would have rushed home to dump the kid on me anyway and then he would have scooted off to do his own selfish thing. So I guess that is really why I didn’t call.

They finally got home at 9 and I tried to watch the news with a squirming kid in bed with me. She finally fell asleep around 10 and I transferred her to her bed. Husband was fast asleep so I went right back to sleep. Around 11 I was awakened by the sound of him getting up for a snack. This is not unusual for him.

Then over the next few hours, he woke me more than once from a fairly sound sleep by “convulsing” in bed. I am not sure what he was doing; adjusting his pillows, rolling over, pouting? I have no idea. All I know is that the bed jerks violently and it wakes me up. Since I am a middle aged woman falling back to sleep is not always easy. Eventually I retreated to my basement bed so I could sleep.

Never in my life did I think I would be the one to run and sleep in another room. Historically I am the cozy sleeper who WANTS to cuddle all night long. Usually just feeling that person next to me makes me happy. Hearing him breath is usually a sound that gives me peace and comfort. Once I dated a guy that was a big snorer and I toughed it out and stayed in bed to be with him. BUT now, here I am, happy to go to my own bed. It’s so sad really.

My point is this: I try to be a good wife and mother but it always seems that I am fighting an uphill battle. This all just seems wrong to me on every level. I want a normal relationship where THIS is not how my typical Monday night goes.

==============================


This morning I go to the 5:30 morning run. It’s what I do EVERY Tuesday morning. I had already decided I was only going to run 4 miles because I needed to get home and let hubby go to the gym.  

I get to the run and as we are all gathering I say hi to Tater. Then Uwe walks up and pets my dog. (My dog and Uwe are in love with each other in some really perverse and deep way.)

Next I am standing there just waiting for my running buddy Meghan to show up and not really paying attention to Uwe (you know why) and I hear Uwe tell Tater “oh yeah…we are spinning every Monday night. Didn’t you get the e-mail? I am sure you were on the list.”

Let me explain: I belong to a multisport club. This is my primary social activity. There are supposed to be group activities that everyone is invited to but instead the club tends to break into clicks. Well, I WAS in the same “click” as Tater and Uwe until Uwe decided to be a dick to me.

I heard this and it totally triggered me. I walked over and said to the both of them in a rather pissed off voice. “I didn’t know there was a group spinning deal every Monday….guess I was not invited…thanks for nothing!!” I then turned and walked off. Uwe yelled after me that it was only for the Iron Man training people. I just started running out front of the group. FUCK THEM ALL.

So I didn’t sign up for an Iron man because:
a) I have a life
b) I have a family
c) I don’t need to be an IM to feel I am important, etc. BUT…I would really like to think my friends might include me in there indoor biking fun. Then again I am not surprised. He basically pushed me out of the group all summer so I am just not in like I used to be.

(doesn’t all this shit sound like junior high bullshit!?!?!)

It also pissed me off extra bad because, last winter AND the winter before I wanted to do a spinning thing at Uwe’s house because it is centrally located and he has a lot of room in his large finished basement of his split level home. I even bought a DVD player so we could set it up. He was on board BUT then he balked at the whole deal so it never happened. I think he was just being lazy. NOW that I am not around, they are all congregating at his place and not telling me shit about it.

Obviously still hurt by his rejection and the bigger picture is still working on self-esteem issues where being needed and belonging will not be so important to me.

I wouldn’t go to his house anyway so why do I bother to get my feathers ruffled?

My first mile of that run was really fast (stress can be a great motivator) but almost as soon as I got out on the dark trail alone I regretted my outburst and felt stupid. I am really sick of feeling like my life is just out of control!

Quick Update

Last night I spent 3 hours with KP. We just talked and held each other close. It’s almost weird how comfortable and close we feel to each other. It is also very nice; I mean who doesn’t want to feel safe and excepted?

We also talk on the phone a lot. I mean like hours a day. I always enjoy talking to him. He has a knack for being honest, caring and boiling my crazy thoughts down to simple concepts. I can’t tell you how many times he says “well I think it’s like this……” and then I think “that is IT exactly!” Let’s just say we get each other. I know, I know….still all very new but hey, I am enjoying it.

I figured out why I felt so bad after I left Georges office yesterday. It is because he makes me feel like my marriage is more important than me. He is in “save the marriage at all costs” mode. I am at the point where I feel the marriage is harming me and I wish we could actually discuss that possibility. I really would like an objective person to help me with my logic. I am obviously not in a position to really think clearly and trust my own judgment.

Time to look for a new therapist….again.

Of course, George loved the idea of asking husband for 2 hours a week. I plan on discussing it with him tonight. I expect he will agree to the idea whole heartedly but then figure out a way to weasel out of it later. George says I should NOT let him weasel. I am to tell Husband “you agreed to do this and I need you to follow through and I need to know that when you agree to something you mean it”. I do wish I could summon George to help me with ALL conversation with my husband!

Did I tell you I saw my mom last week? I stopped by there on my way to the airport. (I took a mini vacation to NYC last weekend.) I arrived at her house, grabbed a snack and sat down to visit with her. We quickly ran out of things to say and felt uncomfortable so I went ahead and left for the airport a little early. It makes me sad that I don't have "real" parents. What do you think I did with my extra time at the airport??  Well talk to KP on my phone of course.

Well poop, I have to get to work. I do have a job and for the next few months it is going to be busy.
I will keep trying to post daily if it is at all possible.

Procrastination and Navel Gazing

For the last month and a half I have been goofing off at work. I just find it so hard to take any of it seriously when the company is just going broke day by day. It all seems so futile.

AND I have been spending tons of time fussing about the end of my friendship with Uwe, my failing marriage and my “scary” relationship with KP. These three men and my kids have been sucking up almost all my thoughts.

Oh and I read a few books on child abuse.

Finally it has all caught up with me!!

As of right this minute:

1) My husband is pissed at me and we are starting to really annoy each the hell out of each other. I am tired of tip toeing around him and I know he is going to be pissed if I just let myself go. Things are fixing to get really ugly folks. But honestly I can’t keep living with someone who I am not allowed to speak to freely.

2) I have a huge work project that is due NOW (just found out, but knew it was coming). I have put the dead line off until next Wednesday. I have no business typing this blog right now because I should be working. If I have to work this weekend my husband is going to be super pissed off because it is deer season here.
AND we just switched banks and there is a ton of stuff I need to do ASAP related to that.

3) My dog has fleas and I feel like it’s a losing battle. Vet says to give it 3 months. So for three months I don’t take my dog away from home? She usually goes everywhere with me. AND… I can’t take her to KPs house with fleas because his dog will get them. Pain in the ass!

4) I think, finally, Uwe and I are not speaking and it is going to stick. Please o please let this heart ache just be over.

5) I am worried about Friss.

6) My 6 year old has been crabby and demanding and both my husband and I are 100% out of patience and not sure what to do about it. (Someone send me a nanny!)

7) I had a fender bender the other day and need to get my car fixed but I don’t have any time or energy to deal with it.

8) I am so tired……..I want to just go to sleep until spring.

9) Saw George today and left in tears. Tired of talking about my husband. It’s a waste of time to go to a marriage therapist at this point.

10) and Christmas is coming and I should start planning for that.  You know, start buying gifts, think about putting up a tree.  OMG I am not ready for winter or the holidays!   I want to run away and hide from the real world so badly!

Deer Hunting

I think it would be very good for me to blog daily. I need to set aside a time slot and just get things down on paper. I need to worry less about content and more about quantity. I can always review my notes later to extract what was actually important. But if I don’t write anything down then there is no record at all and right now there is so much going on that I really need to capture.

This morning I have been trying to get in touch with my feelings. At this point I just feel anger…loads of raging anger. Anger that I can’t really talk to my husband; anger that my boss won’t make real changes to our company so that it is no longer losing money; anger about what is happening to Friss; anger that I just feel overwhelmed almost all of the time.

I know that anger hurts only me. I get that. BUT how do I let go of it? How do I change my outlook?

I think my husband means well. I think he is pitiful and ridiculous but he IS trying to be nice. I wish I could be more open and accepting and patient with him. Instead my mind pretty much keeps thinking “after 7 years of this I am just so fucking over it! Why didn’t you give a shit a year ago?”

I know he senses me being more and more detached and it is concerning him so he is starting to be more interested in our relationship. Isn’t that how it goes? They perk up about the time you give up!

He was pissing me off this morning before the sun was even up!

For the last month of so my husband has been gearing up for deer season. He has lubed and sighted his riffle, de-scented his clothes, put out corn, checked his wildlife camera weekly, etc. etc. This morning I asked him what the schedule for this coming weekend is. I wanted to discuss what he needed and wanted to do this weekend regarding hunting and I had planned to ask him to set aside 2 hours of time for just me.

That’s right, overnight I decided I would just say “give me two hours”. I don’t want to have an activity planned I want to spend two hours just “being” together. No TV and no kid. She can go to a sitter, take a nap or watch a movie.  My logic is as follows…. If we set aside 2 hours a week to be together we will either get closer and things will improve or it will prove to me that we are out of options and I can “give up” with a clear conscience. In fact, if I know him, he will probably happily agree and then weasel out it.

Me: So what is the plan for the weekend?

Husband: Oh I don’t have any plans.

Me: what about deer hunting?

Husband: Well, I don’t need to go hunting. If you have stuff you need to do that is fine. (PA translation….I will behave like a door mat and give you the opportunity to put yourself before me so in the long run I can hold it over your head. I won’t address you as an equal adult or someone I want to spend my weekend with…no instead we will play this game.)

Me: so are you hoping a deer with throw itself on our porch?

I actually left the room at this point because I knew I would not be nice if I stayed.
After I calmed myself I returned.

Me: I thought you wanted to go hunting?

Husband: Yes I do.

Me: what time would you like to go?

Husband: before light.

Me: so is that like 3 am or 5 am? Can you be more specific?

Husband: I want to be in the deer stand by 5:30 am.

Me thinking to myself: Jesus Fuck why can’t you just say that!

Me: and when will you be done for the morning?

Husband: should be back by 9.

Me: and dusk….I assume if you don’t get one you will want to go out again at dusk?

Husband: yes

Me: so about 5:30 till 9 pm?

Husband: yes

UGH!! Why do I have to pry every damn word out of him!?!??

I want a healthy relationship with my significant other and I want it sooner than later. I cannot keep this crap up much longer. It is exhausting and I am tired of it.

I want to get back to where I was before my life exploded in 2001/2002 and feel like a regular person leading a normal life. I am soooo tired of feeling broken and “off track”.

I keep reading books; lots of really good books, by great authors with fantastic and relevant information in them. BUT I still don’t know how to take what I read and understand and agree with and make myself actually feel it, live it and do it. Like the whole anger thing. I don’t want to be angry. I realize it is counterproductive. BUT how do I stop????

Rewriting History

Yesterday there was some more drama regarding Uwe. I won’t bore you with the details but the guy is a freaking narcissistic jerk who is always accusing me of doing lowly things and then says if I don't deny it it must be true.  (I try very hard not humor him with an argument.)

Then I found out he shared some personal things about me with a mutual friend; a mutual friend that he has just started dating. This greatly concerns me because after talking to both of them I am sure he has lied to her. And even better still this revealing story he told her was framed as an “I must be completely honest with you” discussion to make him look good in her eyes. BARF

Now here is the thing. The lie is set up so that if I tell her he is lying it is highly likely she will think I am covering my tracks and not believe me anyway. In fact, he has painted me as insecure and needy and him as a big hero all summer long for sticking by my side as TRUE friend. And she will probably tell him which will make him angry and he will lash out at me again in some way.

So it has been eating at me. I barely slept last night. I feel that I am betraying a friendship if I am not honest with her and I am super pissed that this jerk-wad has set it up so he can lie, look good and get away with it. Keep in mind that all of our mutual friends think he is a super duper nice guy because almost all the crap he did to me was when no one was looking.

Oh and I know the story he told her because he tried it on me too. He is trying to backtrack now and rationalize all the mean things he did to me this summer by saying that I wanted to be more than friends and that he took the high ground and told me no and started to distance himself from me for my own good and the good of my family. When he told me this, I called him out for making shit up and trying to rewrite history. Seriously it took him all summer to come up with this version that makes him guilt free for his actions towards me. Nice try but I certainly know better.

Also, this mutual friend is a child abuse survivor who I have confided in before about my family issues AND the fact that Uwe had been hurting me too. She too has a similar background (they can smell it in us). She is going to be easy prey for a manipulative narcissistic person like him.

So I go to KP and tell him the whole story. He calmly leans back and says it is none of my business and I should just butt out; that I get too worked up over things that really don’t matter. That Uwe is not a friend to me and I need to just stay away from him and not talk to him. That woman always, eventually, figure out what he is really like (he has never been married and is 48 years old) and mutual friend has to find out on her own.

I told KP it is not fair that he is using me and making me look bad so he looks good especially after all the hurtful things he has said and done to me. KP pointed out that I cannot control other people, that I have done nothing wrong and that I should hold my head up and let the real truth come to light in it’s own time.

What do you think? Do I just MYOB and try not to think about it? Do I tell her my side even if she won’t believe me?  Maybe it will cast a doubt in her mind?  Then again it might just force an even bigger riff in our circle of friends because people are already telling me they don't want to be in the middle. :(  He is better at "working" the crowd so I am going to be friendless soon.

At the end of the day I am just so weary of all this stupid drama! 
All I did was a have a friend that I believed in and this is how it turns out.
FML

Feeling Paranoid

Mostly, throughout my life, the people I have come into contact with have, in one way or another, duped me into thinking they are nice, kind, souls who actually care about me (on some level) only to have me find out later that they were being deceptive or they had ulterior motives or they were just completely full of shit or, at the very worst, they were just mistaken to be interested in me.

So lately I find that I am feeling hyper vigilant for signs, any signs, that this man who is being so nice to me is just up to no good. That he has a hidden agenda; that one day I will be saying to myself “damn I should have seen that coming!”

If you watch for red flags hard enough you WILL find them!?

And, the few people that never actually fucked me over on purpose were probably guilty of fucking me over by accident; by either being helpless (ex-husband) or needy or selfish (current husband).

Also, at the same time it kind of occurred to me that my husband is not particularly fond of watching our daughter and should we get divorced I am sure that he would not be the kind and helpful ex that happily watches the kid for me so I can go on ski trips with my friends. (need to book if I plan on going in February!)  In fact I suspect he will want to get her only when he feels it will cause me the most inconvenience and not the other way around.

I mean really, given his history, I am pretty positive that should I tell him it is over he will feel he has nothing to lose and he will unleash all his nastiness on me. I am fairly confident that his lowest behaviors are lower than my wildest dreams. In other words, he will stop at nothing to make my life living hell.

Next month I have a trip to NYC planned and I am doing my best to keep the peace at home until that trip is over. (I could not sleep at night thinking I left the state and he was angry and may be throwing everything I own in the trash.)

Then, in December I have an out-of-town half marathon. Again, I don’t think I should make waves or this trip will get screwed up. BUT, at what point do I say I can’t keep putting off having a frank discussion with him because I think he will then be up for ruining my life if he thinks he has nothing to lose.

AND to top it all off, he has been nice. We have not been fighting. He has been letting me do whatever I want and not complaining at all. I don’t come home until late….he doesn’t get angry. I am not giving him sex lately (another blog post) and he has not been nagging. I have been kissing him good-bye (to be polite) but other than that, no signs of affection. Frankly I am just tired of “pretending” we have a real relationship when it doesn’t feel like one to me at all. And, he has been perfectly pleasant to me.  Could he be lulling me into a false sense of calm, to make me think that he is not such a bad person?  Make me wonder if he is capable of a fair and peaceful divorce?

Or maybe he is just trying to trick me into not asking for a divorce. Maybe he can feel it coming and is just bending over backwards to be kind and accepting and easy to get along with so I won’t pull the trigger?

Seriously though, we don’t talk, we don’t hang out, and we don’t make plans to do things together. We just swap kid and house duties and generally stay out of each other’s way. This is NOT a marriage!!

BUT still I have a babysitter and someone to share the bills with and it’s not that bad. Especially when I can go do pretty much whatever I want most of the time. Should I actually leave him (or kick him out since I own the house) I am sure I would have less freedom, less money and a less kindness from him.

I guess what I am saying is I know this is going to suck and I am still not 100% convinced I should go through with it. I have no family to support me. I have no close friends to help me out. I have a few shaky relationships that I don’t really trust at this point and that is about it.

GOD I AM SICK OF FEELING ALONE!

AGAIN…HOW THE HELL DO I GET MYSELF INTO THESE SITUATIONS WHERE ALL CHOICES SUCK!?!?!

Pros and Cons

Why don’t I leave my husband since I am obviously not happy in my marriage?
1) I will feel like a failure for once again not being successful at marriage.
2) I don’t want my daughter to have to grow up being shuttled back and forth between two houses with her having to think about which days she is at which parents home.
3) I like the financial security of sharing the bills.
4) I am well aware of how unpleasant a divorce (or even a break-up) can be. Often I feel too emotionally week to handle all the grief that will surely come during the process of getting divorced.
5) I fear that I will never meet a “real” partner in life and don’t want to be “all alone” in the world.
6) I don’t want to let other people down….people (like my MIL) that will be disappointed by a divorce.
7) I worry that I might regret it. That the grass won’t be greener on the other side.
8) I think my husband is capable of being a mean and nasty person and I worry he will unleash it all at me if he feels he has nothing to lose.
9) I love my daughters school and living in this town. If we divorce I may have no choice but to move or at least put my daughter in a different school.

Why I should leave my husband.
1) My emotional needs are not getting met and I keep seeking others out to fill them. I am concerned this will ultimately lead me to be unfaithful.
2) I want my daughter to see a happy, healthy relationship as she grows up, not two people tolerating each other. Even though my husband and I don’t actively fight much anymore, we surely don’t set a good example of how a healthy loving couple should behave.
3) If it weren’t for my daughter I never would have married him nor would I feel the need to stay married now.
4) At this very moment I may be missing out on the chance at a great relationship with a great person.
5) I could have more adventures if I didn’t feel tied down by my marriage.
6) My husband and I are not friends and usually do not like spending time with each other.
7) The ways he reacts to me are always the exact opposite of what I NEED in a partner.
8) He triggers all my childhood traumas and wounds and makes me feel generally uncomfortable when he is around.
9) He is not capable of intimacy as far as I can tell.