I CAN Swim!

Monday after work I usually hang out with my daughter.  During the school year she takes ballet class but right now she is on summer break from that.  So this last Monday after work we headed to the lake to see if Mama can swim.  (Don’t tell anyone, but I am seriously considering doing a half iron man distance triathlon.)

The last time I swam any distance was in 2006 when I was training for our multisport club national’s competition.  That fall, I did my first and only triathlon near Las Vegas; the swim was in Lake Mead.  I will never be fast enough to actually win and individual award in a triathlon but it is still fun to go to nationals and earn points for participating which helps our club get some recognition.

Anyhow, I had decided that if I didn’t enjoy the swim…or if I struggled too much, I would not be attempting the half ironman distance.  However, much to my surprise after a ¼ of a mile, I found a groove and felt pretty good.  I actually enjoyed it and felt comfortable.  So I think I have the ability I just need to refine my skills a bit.  I know a lot about running and cycling and have been doing each of them passionately for years however; I have not swum much since I was kid. 

Thank God my mother insisted I take tons of swimming lessons and join the local swim team when I was young.  I am so grateful that I am not afraid of water and I can swim any stroke and feel competent.

Fear of The Police

This morning a cop car pulled into the parking lot as I was socializing with my friends after our usual am run.  Upon further examination I realized it was Tater; a fellow cyclist and triathlete that I know from our Thursday bike rides.  He and I have recently gotten to be pretty good friends.

He is a super nice guy and I was happy to see him.  BUT, he was in uniform….in a black and white sedan. I have never seen him in his work clothes and this was not really cool for me.  You see, a few years back I had a run in with a crazy state patrol officer (Story Here) and ever since then I have been deathly afraid of interactions with law enforcement.  I was already a bit predisposed to aversion to the whole justice system thanks to my son having been arrested and so publicly tried back in 2001.

So this morning, as people went over to great Tater, I too walked up to say hi.  I didn’t want to appear rude.  At the car Tater was talking to other people so I just sort of stood there.  I peered into his car and saw the computer rigged in the middle of the front seat and all the other policeman gear in there.  I looked at the back seat with its barred windows and I suddenly felt like someone had punched me in the stomach and I couldn’t breathe.  I walked away quietly and quickly, back to my friends who were standing much farther away.  I put my back to the car and tried to control my breathing.  Stina asked what was up and I told her I was having a mild panic attach.  I kept trying to calm myself; breathing deeply and doing my best to appear under control.

I knew I needed to think about something totally different, to not envision the car in my mind.   I think I started talking about open water swims or new shoes or something to distract myself.  I started to feel better.  I stood there for a long time, trying to relax and hoping Tater would move on.  I needed to leave but the patrol car was between me and my car.  I really wanted to escape the whole cop car scene.

After what felt like an eternity I made the decision to just leave….to say hi to him quickly and keep walking.  I walked up to his patrol car and with a chirpy happy voice said “hey Tater, so happy to see you, but your car is kind of freaking me out so I need to leave now.”   He knows about my fear of cops and he didn’t seem surprised by my comments.

I waved and walked to my car and got the hell out of there.  I drove Sean back to his house and as soon as I dropped him off and I was alone in my car, I started to feel sick to my stomach again.  It was really really bad now and I slowed my car down, ready to pull over.  I was sure I was going to throw up.  (I actually wondered if I didn’t just have a stomach virus.)  Then I took control of my mind and made it think of something else; again, getting my mind out of the cop car zone.  I took some deep breathes and then my stomach settle just enough that I thought I might make it.  Much relieved.

I continued to drive to work and continued to force myself to think of anything but that police car.  I did find it interesting that Tater didn’t seem to bother me nearly as much as his car did.

At work, Tater texted me and told me he just stopped by to see how I would react.  He told me he wants to help me overcome my fear of police.  I know he means well, but he really doesn’t know the whole story; about Friss and all.  He has no idea how deep my fears run and how messed up my head really is.  I have done my best lately to make new friends and appear to be the most normal, sweet, girl I can. 

Tater is such a nice guy with big shiny bright blue eyes.  If he weren’t so nice and so darn cute, I certainly wouldn’t even want to be his friend knowing he is a cop.  Then again I do feel braver for having befriended him!

Anyhow, I am a pretty messed up person…….physical reaction was pretty severe. 

I Knew This Was Going To Happen

The more I make plans to do fun things without my husband the more our lives separate and the more he just seems to be an obstacle in the way of me doing the things that make my life worth living.

For example, there is a race two weeks from now in a small town about 2.5 hours from here.  The race starts at 7 am. Saturday morning.   I have a bunch of friends going and they say it is a really fun trip.  If I go, I really need to spend the night there on Friday night.  The hotels are already booked full and I would just sleep on the ground in someone’s room.  It would be a fun trip but I am sure my husband won’t appreciate me going especially when I am just winging it on where to sleep.  I don’t even have the nerve to ask.

Follow up note:  I finally just asked if I could go to the race and told him I would need to spend the night.  He said “fine” so I signed up.  I didn’t discuss details of where I would sleep and he didn’t ask so there you have it.  I am going and pretty excited about it even though the race course is super hilly and the forecast is for temperatures in the 90s!

Another event is planned for the same weekend.  It is a party to celebrate some friends that recently got married.  Husband doesn’t even know these friends, but if I go to the party I have to invite him…..right?  But here is how it works; if I ask him to go he will go along to humor me (thinks he is being nice) not because he wants to go to a party or socialize at all. (He always prefers to be alone.)  Then he won’t have fun and he will ruin my fun.  Basically I won’t have fun if he goes and I won’t feel right if I don’t invite him.  Can’t win.

An old friend of mine is throwing a 50^th birthday party in Dallas Texas.  I am invited and want to go so badly.  This would be an amazing trip.  I need to book my airfare, but don’t have the nerve to even ask my husband if I can go.  It is an old friend from high school….a boy.  I have NO interest in him romantically but you can see how this is awkward.  He’s rich and it’s going to be the party of the year.  I could ask husband to go, but he won’t want to and I don’t want to bring him along anyway.  Basically I need to get over the fact I can’t go because I’m married to an anti social person who I don’t find to be any fun at all.

Last Saturday night we had a babysitter for 3 hours.  I wanted to get my favorite Greek salad at a local eatery.  Husband wanted to go to a trailside café down by the river.  I figured go where he wants and we should have more fun because he is getting what he wants.  We got there, drank some beer, had some dinner and it was not too bad.   Not like we had great conversation or really cherished the time together but it wasn’t a total flop.  But then on the way home he sneered that he couldn’t believe he had spent $40.  Which, really he would have rather kept then spend his time / money on a date.  I felt so special.

We really don’t spend much time together and he really doesn’t seem to care. I wish he would be excited to get me alone and have time with me but he’s not going to be that way.  So I make the best of it by spending time with people that do seem to enjoy my company, people that are fun and social.  But oh how complicated this all gets when your life is almost all outside your marriage.

  

Best Friend

I remember when Rocco and I first started dating, we would cherish any time we had together alone.  Life is busy and we worked in the same office and we didn’t have a lot of time to just BE with each other.  (Not to mention I had two small kids.)

Sometimes after work we would go sit by a lake, watch the water and just hold each other and talk.  Or better yet lay by the lake in the evening and watch the stars above us as we chatted about everything in our hearts and minds.

I remember the first night we ever stayed together all night.  I don’t remember if we made love….we probably did….what I do remember is feeling so excited and happy to be with him that I couldn’t’ sleep.  I didn’t want to waste one second of our time together to slumber.  And best of all, he felt the same way.  He too, was so happy/excited that he could not sleep either.  We just cuddled and talked for hours and hours.

Later as the shiny new wore off, we still spent a lot of time together.  Almost every night we would make dinner and eat together.  Each weekend we would play golf together or go cycling or take a hike.  We did household projects together and watched TV on the couch in each other’s arms. WE really enjoyed each other’s company.  We were best friends.

I realize now more than anything that is what I miss.  I miss companionship.  When we broke up I had no idea that finding another companion in life would be an impossible task.  I also had no idea that he had my replacement lined up.  Is it no wonder I am still jealous of her.  I am lonely and she has a great companion for life. 

I know looking back is not doing anything to help me now.  I just miss him….or at least a person like him in my life; someone to really spend my life with.  A best friend.

I'm Too Sensative

Last night was another kid’s track meet.  My daughter is 4 years old and has been racing a 400 meter race.  That’s once around the track; pretty impressive distance for such a little person.

The first week we showed up we knew nothing about how it all works.  I had no idea how far my child would run or even if she would have fun.  I just went to see what it was all about and to my delight she did great.  I was overjoyed when she ran the whole warm up lap and then later did her race and hung in there to finish third.  I stood on the infield near the finish and yelled at her to keep running and to run hard.  It was all so innocent and fun.  Little kids really don’t seem to grasp everything that is going on.  Also, it is hard to tell where the finish line is when you have never been on a track in your life.  I was there to reassure her that she was doing the right thing and keep her motivated.  As far as I knew I was allowed to do this…no one told me not to anyway.  We left the track that day so very elated from the whole event.

The second week she did almost the exact same thing.  She ran her warm up lap and then later finished 3^rd in her race.   Once again, I was on the infield cheering her on.  This time I was taking photos too.  She actually tried to stop during the race when she saw me with my camera.  I yelled at her to keep going!

My daughter’s friend Ava ran the 5 year old race and me and her mom both stood on the infield yelling at her to keep running.  She was tired by the end of 400 meters and we had to almost push her to get her to finish and collect her 8^th place ribbon. 

Later that second week as we watched the big girl throw the shot put, I was overjoyed when Beanie actually asked if she could run some more for practice.  She is really a tough cookie.  She wasn’t being competitive at all…she was just loving running.  

Last night I gave her two instructions before her race.  One was to run hard and stay with the little girl in blue shirt with the long black pony tail (the girl that kept winning).  The other was to not slow down or pose if she saw me taking photos; that I wanted a photo of her running hard so she needed to run harder if she saw me.

It was super hot out last night and we did the same as always.  I stood by her until the warm up lap.  She ran her warm up and did her stretches and came back to me to get her drink of water.   Then I helped her line up for her race and told her to go when it started.  My daughter went out front right away and the blue top girl was on her heals.

About half way around Beanie was 6 feet in front of the other girl and slowed down so she could catch up.  Evidently she took me literally when I said stay with the other girl.  LOL  On the last stretch I took this photo and then yelled at her to keep running and to run hard.

About 4 feet before the finish line Beanie just stopped running; I know she thought she was done.  The other girl was closing in so I yelled “KEEP GOING…KEEP GOING” as loud at I could.  I had run up the infield behind her so I was right there.  She crossed the finish first and the track volunteers escorted her over to the women taking names and handing out ribbons.  I followed her over when the race director (a very old man with a megaphone) came up to me and started to yell at me for PACING my kid!  He was all worked up and using a very harsh tone telling me I was not allowed on the track, that it wasn’t fair, etc.  I told him she was only 4 and didn’t even know where the finish line was.  He told me it was bad track etiquette and if I did it again they would not give her a ribbon.  I thought he might try to snatch it from her hands at that moment!  Wow, I was just stunned.  He was really nasty about it and I felt I was being called out in front of a huge crowd.  I did the exact same thing the last two weeks and no one cared.  The difference was this week my kid won!  Suddenly it was not cool for me to be there.  I understand this and will gladly comply but, the way the guy verbally assaulted me in front of everyone really shook me up.  I was actually very hurt and wanted to cry.  For me it killed all the joy of my daughter winning. 

I was happy to see that Beanie didn’t pick up on all this.  She was collecting her ribbon and looking for her water bottle.  She was oblivious to the fact that she had won, that I had gotten in trouble and that the girl in the blue shirt was crying.  I felt bad that the other girl was upset; but then again she already had two blue ribbons and my daughter really did outrun her.  It’s not like I picked her up and carried her over the finish line.  I hope her parents weren’t mad at me.  Ugh.

After he was done scolding me the race director turned on his megaphone and announced to the whole crowd that parents are not allowed on the track, etc. etc.  I wanted to climb in a hole.

Anyhow, the real issue here is not my misconduct at the track, but how much this all upset me.  I fussed and fumed all evening.  I did not enjoy being there with our friends after that.  I thought about never returning but realized that would not be fair to my daughter who just loves running.

I even woke up in the middle of the night all upset all over again and could not get back to sleep.  I kept thinking to myself “I am making a big deal out of nothing and just wasting my time fussing.  I know I need to move past this and get a good night’s sleep”.  But I just couldn’t get over it.  I kept thinking….wow she is only 4….it’s a fun meet…….really dude!  (I wonder if he yells at kids like that? I sure hope not!)

So while I was busy staying awake at 1 am feeling pissed about getting scolded at a track meet, I also managed to think of a dozen other things to be mad about too.  I just laid there for a few hours being angry.  AND….I was angry at myself for being angry.  (I’m a genius.  I know.)

What a freaking waste of time!!

I wish I could learn to stop this behavior.  I wish I could not be so hurt, so sensitive to criticism.  I wish I wasn’t so angry at the world….especially at 1 am.

I didn’t even take a photo of her with her blue ribbon.  I suck.

Monday Morning Melt Down

I was really having a hard time waking up this morning when my husband decided it was time to “cuddle”….which is code for "I will hug you for 5 to 10 minutes with the hope that you, in turn, will assist me in my daily ejaculation."

He was really trying to be nice……but I was tired……I was trying to gently tell him I was too tired.  The next thing you know I am launching into a bit of rant about how women view sex as an act of intimacy and a mental thing and we don’t really “get” the whole mechanical need that men have.  We are not really that sympathetic to the fact that he has a penis and it needs to ejaculate regularly or he won’t be right.

It really does get old at times!!

Then, I felt him pulling away and feeling hurt so I obliged.  He has been trying so hard to be nice lately and I know it.  I wanted to be nice back. Sooo…. I let him bang his cock in me until he was satisfied.  I was just bored and felt like a piece of equipment doing its job.  Blah.

(BTW – he got Father’s Day love making without asking…..just yesterday morning.  He is not starving for attention here.)

He leaves the house a happy man which makes me feel ok with it all.  Now I need to get ready for work. 

Beanie gets up and starts watching PBS cartoons while enjoying her usual morning glass of chocolate milk.

OK, so rabbit fed and exercised, dog fed, lunches packed, check for day care written, dishwasher unloaded, lettuce cut up, laundry started, bed made, gym clothes packed for after work, swim shorts that didn’t work for daddy back in car to return via UPS,…………I finally get myself dressed and make up on and then I move on to preparing the girl.

I decided I was NOT going to negotiate on clothing.  Lately she wants to wear long skirts and short sleeves and it is 90+ degrees out.  So I picked out a tank top and skort outfit and gave it to her and said “this is what you are wearing!”  She said she wanted to pick and I said no and she did NOT fuss.  GOOD!

Next it was on to hair……by now we are really out of time for much of a fuss.  I ask her one pony or two.  (The experts always say to limit their choices.)  She chose two.  I started parting her hair as she asked for braids.  I thought about it and got the spray to wet her hair.  Then decided it would take too long and there was an 80% chance she would pull them out as soon as she got to school anyway.  So I said no and gave her one quick pony tail so we could get going.  I knew she was going to be unhappy no matter what so I just did what was easiest.  

Background – I recently cut 5 inches of her hair for summer because she won’t just leave her hair up after I work hard to put it up.  I drop her at school in the morning with two braids and when I come to pick her up she has it all down and it is knotted up and glued to her sweaty neck.  I generally have to put it back up again then because we are going somewhere after work and she can’t show up looking like a homeless child who just climbed out of a creek. NO FUN.

Now the kid is feeling fowl and I was in no mood for it.  Next she needed a bow for her hair. I figured I’d grab one quick and that would fix the pain of no braids.  But no the bow didn’t make her happy…of course, it didn’t look right and her hair was too “fuzzy”.  She started to complain even MORE.

Well, I was out of patience for all this.  I am not one to fuss over my looks and the way she does drives me completely crazy.  I yelled at her and told her she was going to school to play in the sandbox and it didn’t matter if her hair was perfect.  I yelled real loud as I plopped her into the car.  She was crying and sobbing and having a complete meltdown.  I felt like I was about to have an aneurism.

She always wants to be some Disney princess and it just wears me thin.  This blow up was a long time coming.  Over the last few weeks we have been battling hair and long skirts almost every day.  Add to that me just feeling like I am forever waiting on people…..my husband, the kids, even the animals….all the time and all I get in return is attitude, greed, negativity or demands for more.   No one is ever freakin’ happy!

So here I am trying my best to help this little girl and all she does is bitch at me.  And this morning I was out of patience.  I was already tired and already late and I just wanted to have a pleasant morning not a freakin’ war with a 4 year old!

After driving in silence for 5 minutes, I tried to call Julia….hoping she would tell me about her weekend and distract me from stewing about my own life.  She didn’t answer…..she didn’t call back……we never talk anymore and it makes me so sad.  I miss her and I don’t know why she is being so distant lately. 

OMG I hate relationships. They drive me nuts.

Father's Day Weekend

Saturday 6 am……….10 mile run with my group…..felt good but hot.  No Garmin but sure it was around an 8:50 pace or a bit better.  Monster watched Bean for me since husband had a boat race.

Back home Friss called and we had a quick 30 minute talk and covered a lot of important stuff.  Like yes, he did receive his birthday money I sent.  And I told him to be on the lookout for the new glasses I ordered because they shipped on Friday.

10-12 am ……swam at the lake with Monster and Bean.  We had a great time.  BUT, now my car is FULL of sand!!!

Nap time was great.  What will I do when she is too old to nap and I still want to?

Next, Beanie and I spent a few hours playing with Uwe until Daddy came home.  We got to ride in the big truck.  Beanie just loves that.

Daddy came home and informed us that he had won his boat race by a huge margin.  We all celebrated by collapsing into bed and sleeping like logs.

Sunday morning we gave Daddy his present (new swim trunks) and his store bought card.  (Beanie did NOT want to make one.)  She did sign her name on the inside and write DADDY on the envelope.  Daddy was very happy.

Next I went for a big 40 mile bike ride with Uwe.  We even explored some new roads out by the river.  Made my day.

Next was nap time…..OMG I love nap time.

After naps I did some chores and we all settled in for a quiet evening at home.  Daddy’s arms were so sore from his race that he could barely move.   He hasn’t been training for boat racing lately.

Oh...and.....Daddy also put up a new swing for Bean out in the yard!   

Very nice weekend!!!

Very Happy Day

Today I am in a really good mood.  There are a few reasons for this.

How about a list!

1)      The sun is out

2)      Work is really not busy or stressful right now.

3)      I am not training for anything special so my workouts have been more fun and less pressured.

4)      Husband has been really sweet to me all week.

5)      Beanie has been acting so mature lately….less temper tantrums and more pleasant.

6)      Uwe has been nicer to me for the last few days.

7)      I am feeling healthy and have finally dropped a few pounds in weight.

The main reason I am in a better mood is because all my relationships are in a good place.  Everyone is being good to me. 

Side story: I figured out why Uwe was being mean to me over the past month or so…..you see, he was pursuing a pretty girl.  I am not even sure he meant to be mean on purpose, but I think for the first time our friendship was cramping his style and he was trying to make some space.  I of course had to figure this out on my own, he couldn’t just tell me, because men are so oblivious to their own feeling or why they are doing the things they do.  Long story short though, the new girl didn’t work out and now he is being sweet to me again.  I have made a mental note that the next time he gets all Mr. Grumpy Pants on me I will just tell him he obviously needs space and leave him be for a while.  I will not take it personally and feel hurt.  Besides, I want him to have a girlfriend because he really does deserve someone.  I know it will leave me out in the cold but I can handle it if I know he is happy.  (and hopefully she will be cool and be my friend too.)

I am thrilled to be in such a good mood today because I am being productive and feeling so positive about life.  This is the way it is supposed to be; this is how I wish most days were.

But, at the same time I realize that the reason for me feeling so positive is coming from something external, something I have no control over.  I am happy because of how other people are behaving.

I need to learn to be happy on my own without these other people dictating my mood.  I know I am vulnerable as long as I let outside forces have control over my thoughts and feelings.  I absolutely need to be this happy despite other people and I just can’t figure out how to do that.

I had a therapist many years ago tell me that meditation was the answer.  She may be right because I never did a very good job at learning to meditate so I never actually tried out her solution.

Does anyone know how I can learn to be happy even when life is shitting on me?

30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

A freind of mine on Facebook posted a link to this list of 30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself.

I read the list and thought it was really good advise.
I also realize that I do almost ALL these things to myself, ALL the time. 
and for the most part I have no idea how to stop. 

I think the only one i have licked is #9....I know you can't buy happiness and I don't think I try to.

So I guess I have 29 things that I need to work on.  Ugh!

Weekend Recap - No kid, Motorcycle Ride

This weekend our daughter stayed with Grandma and Grandpa which freed me and the hubby up to do whatever we wanted.  Of course he did not want to make plans and acted like spending time with me was not of much interest to him.

I went ahead and tried to schedule plenty of fun things to keep me busy (with other people) so I would not feel lonely or neglected should Husband choose to ignore me all weekend.

Saturday morning I did my long run with Stina (10 miles at 6 am) and then went straight to the gym to do BodyPump class.  On the way to the gym Friss called; perfect timing.

After the gym I was so hungry I was shaking so I drove the Mickey D’s and got me an egg McMuffin and a small hazelnut latte.  Nom Nom.  Next I stopped at Uwe’s to check on the house and take in the mail and newspaper.  He was out of town for the weekend so I was more than happy to have his house as a place to regroup in town.   While I was there I was even kind enough to do his dishes.  (His dishwasher doesn’t work and he left a sink full, of course.)

Next, I went to see an old friend of mine.  He had promised me a motorcycle ride and I was really looking forward to spending some time with him.  I only see him a few times a year since we are both married with children and jobs and just too dang busy.  Once upon a time, before we both got married, he was my best friends ever.   

I figured I would get a short motorcycle ride and then we would drink copious amounts of beer and hang out just like the old days.  (He does love to drink beer.)  However, when I got to his house I was thrilled to find out that he had planned a real excursion for us.

We rode the motorcycle for over an hour on the scenic back roads of Missouri until we came to a small town and had lunch at their rather famous little restaurant.  I ordered sweet potato fries; which are one of my all time favorites and this eatery made an exceptionally good batch.  They also had some very tasty beers on tap.  I got one and my driver got a sip of mine.  Safety first.

Then we rode the motorcycle back to his house a different yet still scenic route and then drank some beers while catching up on each other’s lives.  We talked and talked until it was after 3 and I figured I should head home to see if, by chance, the husband was indeed interested in some time with his wife.

Back home, husband was NOT there and his bicycle was gone.  You see, if I pull in the driveway and the garage door is closed I know he is not home.  I then look around to see if the car, motorcycle or bicycle is missing to determine what he is doing.  I still have no idea where he is or when he will be back, but at least I know what he left in/on.

He arrived an hour after I got home and told me we could do anything at all I wanted.  He was certainly in the “please the wife” mood.  I was not feeling particularly enamored with him although I was glad he was being so nice.  I was just mentally detached at this point.  I had spent too much time expecting nothing I suppose. 

We ended up washing cars, barbequing some shrimp and having a pleasant evening at home.  It was kind of a shame I wasn’t in a more receptive mood.

Sunday went better.  I did my early single track trail run and then ran a few errands.  Back home, husband was gone again but when he returned I was more in the mood to hang out with him and we had some good quality time together.  We even made love which is unusual for us.  Generally our sexual encounters are purely functional and really not very satisfying for me so it was a treat to feel we were actually connecting a bit. 

I know he enjoyed it too because after lunch I took a nap and he tiptoed out for a bike ride.  When I woke up I found a note on the kitchen table that said he would be back at 2!!  He NEVER leaves notes so this was huge.  Made me feel like a real wife and someone he valued.  I of course hung around until 2 so I would be there for sure when he returned.  He of course did not get back until 3.  I didn’t make a fuss about it since I was feeling lazy anyway and didn’t want to go anywhere.  Besides, I just wanted to soak in the positive feeling of the day for as long as possible.

My Mini Track Star

Last night Bean participated in a kids track night event.  She did an amazing job.  She won 3^rd place in the 400 meter (4 yr. old girls) race and was overjoyed to receive this ribbon.  I was just impressed she could run a full lap on the track.  She also jumped 3 feet 7 inches at the long jump; very good for her first try.  We can’t wait to back and do it again next week.  The program runs for the whole month of June.

When we got home after the track meet, she specifically requested a healthy dinner in order to help her be a strong runner.  This mama is so proud.

Reflecting on my Upbringing

My father was abusive to me as a kid, but I am sure he didn’t think he was.  He was born in 1925 and certainly had different ideas of what constitutes abuse, what parenting is about or how to raise a child to become a productive citizen.

I am sure he feels that children are not quit human yet.  They are not the same as a grown up and do not have the same rights and privileges as adults do.  Children are to be seen and not heard. What children think and say is irrelevant. 

Spare the rod spoil the child is not a saying I remember him ever spouting, however, I know darn well he felt that physical discipline was acceptable and he dished it out as he felt necessary.  I remember the worst beating I ever got.  It was for telling him “no”.  I don’t remember why I said no to him but I did so I got punished.  Children are not allowed to disobey or backtalk adults.  On this day I was sitting on the steps to the basement and he was down stairs.  He may have been working out; he had a small gym area set up.  I said the dreaded insolent word and he proceeded to chase me up the steps so he could beat me.  I ran for my life and he chased me the length of the house.  Of course, he stopped long enough to grab the paddle on his way to my bed room.  In my room I cowered on the bed as he beat me with the paddle.  I remember thinking this was it, the one that would see me dead.  This time he would not stop until he killed me.  I cried so hard I was gasping for air.

I guess he stopped…….I don’t remember anything else from that day.  I just remember thinking he was going to kill me.  Now, all grown up, I understand that children should not fear for their lives.  But, as a kid it was just the way it was.  I’m sure my father would tell you that it is a very good thing to fear our parents and that I was being a ridiculous child to actually think he would kill me.  (I have heard stories that he sent my older brother to the hospital.)

Pop was moody and prone to violent anger.  As kids my mother, younger brother and I “walked on egg shells” if he was home because we did not want to anger or provoke him in any way.    When I review my life I always think this “training” has been huge to who I am and how I handle my relationships.  I tend to bend over backwards to keep the peace even when it is not in my best interest.  I have been so deeply conditioned to avoid confrontation at all costs.  It really is ridiculous and people she not be raised in constant fear.

He would hit me at the dinner table so hard that he would knock me off my chair and onto the floor.  This happened more times than I can count.  We had metal, swivel chairs so landing on the legs was particularly painful.

Now that I am grown up, I also find it odd that we had whole areas of the house that were off limits.  We were not allowed to go in certain rooms.  Basically, we were allowed in our bedrooms, the kitchen and bathroom and the family room and that was it.  We would be punished if we went into the dining room, the living room, my parents’ bedroom or the library as my father called it.  It was actually his home office with a desk and the encyclopedia in there.  I remember standing in the doorway of these rooms and trying to talk to one of my parents.  I didn’t dare cross into the room.  I can remember one time and only one time that I actually climbed in bed with my parents.  Maybe that is why my daughter is always welcome in my room or my bed.  I want her to feel loved and accepted not isolated like I did.

My father is an alcoholic too.  He is the type that drinks till he blacks out then finally passes out.  He just can’t seem to know when enough is enough.  Once shit faced drunk he would then do other stupid things.  The list is long but here are some highlights: try to drive my brother home and pass out behind the wheel.  Thank god my older sister insisted she ride along.  Run his car into the house when trying to pull into the garage.  Throw my infant son up in the air until he hits the ceiling.  Baby cries in pain as Grandpa laughs at the mistake.  (It feels very wrong to call him Grandpa.) He would also hurt our pet dog for fun.

When I was in the 4^th grade my father ditched us to run off with his new lover (now wife).  From that point on he basically had nothing to do with us.  This too was very hard on me as a child.  I have serious abandonment and betrayal issues to this day and I believe it all started when my father just left me all of a sudden and I was left to deal with my feeling all by myself because I was just a kid and my parents didn’t realize how hard it was on me.  After all, kids aren’t real people with real feelings. 

I remember one time I saw a child walking out of the big toy store with her father and a new bicycle and I thought to myself “I wish I had a father who was interested in me and would do nice things for me.”  I always remember wishing I had a REAL father.

It was always my understanding that my father’s parents were poor, uneducated, hard hearted people who were just trying to survive the great depression.  I don’t think that doling out love and acceptance was anything even remotely on their mind.  I am sure my father was a much better parent to me then his parents were to him. 

As I was growing up, I made mental notes about how I was not going to do this or that like my parents did.  I even memorized little sayings to reinforce these ideas.  For example “people are more important than things” is one of my go to lines for when I catch myself putting off my kids so I can do my own project. 

My parents meant well.  I think they did the best they could.  I know they emphasized getting a good education and getting a college degree.  I have always been grateful for that.  They also taught me to be tough, responsible and self reliant; all good qualities. But, at the same time I know I have issues that started back then.  And, I always seem to identify with people who were abused as children, especially by their father. 

He Took Care of Me

This weekend I was thinking about why I loved Rocco so much and one of the reasons was because he is the only person (other than my mother) to actually take care of me; to think about my best interests and act.

When we lived together he maintained both cars completely; oil changes, repairs, washing and waxing, license renewal, new tires, everything.  All I had to do was show up and drive.  He never made a fuss about it, he just did it and I enjoyed not having to worry about it at all.  In fact, he actually bought me a car.

Also, he would pitch in with housework without any prompting.  If he saw it needed to be done he would do it.  He often cooked dinner ……well actually we would cook together mostly. 

He bought and installed a new water heater when ours crapped out and I didn’t give it a thought.  (Husband might do this now, but, he also would try and stick me with the bill.)

He planned awesome vacations and fun activities and was eager to have me along on them.  He would buy the tickets and clear the dates with me and I would just have to be packed and by the door ready to leave on time.  No big deal, it was easy and fun for me.

He advised me on how to invest my money whenever he came up with some good ideas or options he shared with me because he wanted me to be successful too.

Literally every other person I have dated or been married to has expected ME to take care of THEM (or in my husband’s case to just leave him alone) and you know what, I really don’t want to.

Happy Hour

This morning, Husband was too busy getting ready to leave to sit in bed and share coffee with me like we usually do while we watch the a.m. news.  I asked him more than once if anything was bothering him and he answered with the usual NO in the “you’re crazy” tone.

I reminded him that Beanie has preschool graduation at 3.  He said he would be there, but then he needs to go back to work.  Now, I know his boss is in Greece for the summer and he most certainly is not so busy on a Friday afternoon at 4 pm that he NEEDS to go back to work.  So I asked why he needed to go back.   He said he had “stuff” going on. 

I let that sink in for a bit and decided I would go ahead and ask the real question…….”Are you going to happy hour?”  He paused and thought for a minute and then decided it best to be honest and told me YES, he was indeed going to happy hour. 

Please note that at some point in the past we had agreed that Friday nights were to be family nights but that rarely happens because he rolls in rather late most Fridays.

Then I asked what the occasion was.  This was actually a trick question because I suspect that most every Friday they knock off early and head to the closest bar for a few hours.  He never shares that with me though and would deny it if asked.

He told me it was for the new employee.  I said “you mean Audrey”?  He said yes.   For the last 6 months Audrey has been there Administrative Assistant (he calls her his secretary) but recently she was officially hired thru the university.  I am pretty sure this is not some special happy hour just because they have a new employee but whatever.

He was standing in the hall by the door to the garage and I was standing in the bedroom and we shared an awkward silence until he finally said…..“You can come if you want”. 

Well, to be honest I certainly don’t feel invited (or wanted) so my instinct is to pass on that comment.  I didn’t respond to him, I just went about my normal morning business as he left quickly without a kiss goodbye.  I am pretty sure his office mate Alex will have his wife there.  I know other people that will be there so it’s not like I don’t know anyone.  Last time he invited me to a happy hour Beanie was still in a pumpkin seat.  He just wanted to show her off and knew I would not let him take her without me.

He seems to try to keep me away from other aspects of his life.  I am not sure why this is.  It feels hurtful to me though.

When Rocco started keeping me away from his work it was because he was involved with his employee so part of me suspects my husband has a thing for the new girl (who I have never met).  Then again, I really don’t think he has the ambition to have a woman on the side.  In fact I think he can hardly stand to have one and would not want two for sure.  Besides, he has always treated me like this from day one.  When we were dating I excused it by thinking to myself we are not serious enough for him to bring me around all his other friends.  Later I blamed it on the embarrassment of an unplanned pregnancy.  Most recently I don’t even bother to wonder where he is or why I am not included.  It just keeps my brain happier.

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update:
He came to the graduation and acted very nice.  He then left to go back to "work".  He never gave me a time frame but I assumed he would be out until 7 or 8 at the latest.  (4-8pm = 4 hours of drinking)
When he was not home yet and it was well after 9 and he had not returned my phone calls or texts, I texted his friend Lauren who I thought might be with him.  SHe texted me right back and then he called.  I did not speak to him because Beanie was sleeping in my lap and I didn't want to wake her.  I felt better knowing he was alive though.  I finally fell asleep and he got home at 11 pm.