Mostly, throughout my life, the people I have come into contact with have, in one way or another, duped me into thinking they are nice, kind, souls who actually care about me (on some level) only to have me find out later that they were being deceptive or they had ulterior motives or they were just completely full of shit or, at the very worst, they were just mistaken to be interested in me.
So lately I find that I am feeling hyper vigilant for signs, any signs, that this man who is being so nice to me is just up to no good. That he has a hidden agenda; that one day I will be saying to myself “damn I should have seen that coming!”
If you watch for red flags hard enough you WILL find them!?
And, the few people that never actually fucked me over on purpose were probably guilty of fucking me over by accident; by either being helpless (ex-husband) or needy or selfish (current husband).
Also, at the same time it kind of occurred to me that my husband is not particularly fond of watching our daughter and should we get divorced I am sure that he would not be the kind and helpful ex that happily watches the kid for me so I can go on ski trips with my friends. (need to book if I plan on going in February!) In fact I suspect he will want to get her only when he feels it will cause me the most inconvenience and not the other way around.
I mean really, given his history, I am pretty positive that should I tell him it is over he will feel he has nothing to lose and he will unleash all his nastiness on me. I am fairly confident that his lowest behaviors are lower than my wildest dreams. In other words, he will stop at nothing to make my life living hell.
Next month I have a trip to NYC planned and I am doing my best to keep the peace at home until that trip is over. (I could not sleep at night thinking I left the state and he was angry and may be throwing everything I own in the trash.)
Then, in December I have an out-of-town half marathon. Again, I don’t think I should make waves or this trip will get screwed up. BUT, at what point do I say I can’t keep putting off having a frank discussion with him because I think he will then be up for ruining my life if he thinks he has nothing to lose.
AND to top it all off, he has been nice. We have not been fighting. He has been letting me do whatever I want and not complaining at all. I don’t come home until late….he doesn’t get angry. I am not giving him sex lately (another blog post) and he has not been nagging. I have been kissing him good-bye (to be polite) but other than that, no signs of affection. Frankly I am just tired of “pretending” we have a real relationship when it doesn’t feel like one to me at all. And, he has been perfectly pleasant to me. Could he be lulling me into a false sense of calm, to make me think that he is not such a bad person? Make me wonder if he is capable of a fair and peaceful divorce?
Or maybe he is just trying to trick me into not asking for a divorce. Maybe he can feel it coming and is just bending over backwards to be kind and accepting and easy to get along with so I won’t pull the trigger?
Seriously though, we don’t talk, we don’t hang out, and we don’t make plans to do things together. We just swap kid and house duties and generally stay out of each other’s way. This is NOT a marriage!!
BUT still I have a babysitter and someone to share the bills with and it’s not that bad. Especially when I can go do pretty much whatever I want most of the time. Should I actually leave him (or kick him out since I own the house) I am sure I would have less freedom, less money and a less kindness from him.
I guess what I am saying is I know this is going to suck and I am still not 100% convinced I should go through with it. I have no family to support me. I have no close friends to help me out. I have a few shaky relationships that I don’t really trust at this point and that is about it.
GOD I AM SICK OF FEELING ALONE!
AGAIN…HOW THE HELL DO I GET MYSELF INTO THESE SITUATIONS WHERE ALL CHOICES SUCK!?!?!
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Friday, October 25, 2013
Pros and Cons
Why don’t I leave my husband since I am obviously not happy in my marriage?
1) I will feel like a failure for once again not being successful at marriage.
2) I don’t want my daughter to have to grow up being shuttled back and forth between two houses with her having to think about which days she is at which parents home.
3) I like the financial security of sharing the bills.
4) I am well aware of how unpleasant a divorce (or even a break-up) can be. Often I feel too emotionally week to handle all the grief that will surely come during the process of getting divorced.
5) I fear that I will never meet a “real” partner in life and don’t want to be “all alone” in the world.
6) I don’t want to let other people down….people (like my MIL) that will be disappointed by a divorce.
7) I worry that I might regret it. That the grass won’t be greener on the other side.
8) I think my husband is capable of being a mean and nasty person and I worry he will unleash it all at me if he feels he has nothing to lose.
9) I love my daughters school and living in this town. If we divorce I may have no choice but to move or at least put my daughter in a different school.
Why I should leave my husband.
1) My emotional needs are not getting met and I keep seeking others out to fill them. I am concerned this will ultimately lead me to be unfaithful.
2) I want my daughter to see a happy, healthy relationship as she grows up, not two people tolerating each other. Even though my husband and I don’t actively fight much anymore, we surely don’t set a good example of how a healthy loving couple should behave.
3) If it weren’t for my daughter I never would have married him nor would I feel the need to stay married now.
4) At this very moment I may be missing out on the chance at a great relationship with a great person.
5) I could have more adventures if I didn’t feel tied down by my marriage.
6) My husband and I are not friends and usually do not like spending time with each other.
7) The ways he reacts to me are always the exact opposite of what I NEED in a partner.
8) He triggers all my childhood traumas and wounds and makes me feel generally uncomfortable when he is around.
9) He is not capable of intimacy as far as I can tell.
1) I will feel like a failure for once again not being successful at marriage.
2) I don’t want my daughter to have to grow up being shuttled back and forth between two houses with her having to think about which days she is at which parents home.
3) I like the financial security of sharing the bills.
4) I am well aware of how unpleasant a divorce (or even a break-up) can be. Often I feel too emotionally week to handle all the grief that will surely come during the process of getting divorced.
5) I fear that I will never meet a “real” partner in life and don’t want to be “all alone” in the world.
6) I don’t want to let other people down….people (like my MIL) that will be disappointed by a divorce.
7) I worry that I might regret it. That the grass won’t be greener on the other side.
8) I think my husband is capable of being a mean and nasty person and I worry he will unleash it all at me if he feels he has nothing to lose.
9) I love my daughters school and living in this town. If we divorce I may have no choice but to move or at least put my daughter in a different school.
Why I should leave my husband.
1) My emotional needs are not getting met and I keep seeking others out to fill them. I am concerned this will ultimately lead me to be unfaithful.
2) I want my daughter to see a happy, healthy relationship as she grows up, not two people tolerating each other. Even though my husband and I don’t actively fight much anymore, we surely don’t set a good example of how a healthy loving couple should behave.
3) If it weren’t for my daughter I never would have married him nor would I feel the need to stay married now.
4) At this very moment I may be missing out on the chance at a great relationship with a great person.
5) I could have more adventures if I didn’t feel tied down by my marriage.
6) My husband and I are not friends and usually do not like spending time with each other.
7) The ways he reacts to me are always the exact opposite of what I NEED in a partner.
8) He triggers all my childhood traumas and wounds and makes me feel generally uncomfortable when he is around.
9) He is not capable of intimacy as far as I can tell.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Today in George's Office
George says "[my name], you are a very VERY analytic person but you need to understand that you can’t fix your emotional problems with cognitive activities. You can’t logic your way into being a more emotionally sound person. It is like trying to clean the inside of your house while you are outdoors. Emotional issues are dealt with on a different level. You have to feel them, not think about them."
My response “well that makes sense.”
...............And we laughed!!
My response “well that makes sense.”
...............And we laughed!!
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Thanks Brene Brown
Today on Facebook, a friend posted a link to Oprah Winfrey's Super Soul Sunday talk with Dr. Brene Brown.
I watched one and then another and at this point, I concede that my day will be spent on these YouTube clips.
I thought you (my blog friends) might find these clips equally informative / enlightening.
CLICK HERE
I so relate to these.......
I am the perfectionist who is trying to prove her worth.
I AM terrified by joy.
I need to listen to these over and over again so they sink in!!
Thanks Brene Brown!!
I watched one and then another and at this point, I concede that my day will be spent on these YouTube clips.
I thought you (my blog friends) might find these clips equally informative / enlightening.
CLICK HERE
I so relate to these.......
I am the perfectionist who is trying to prove her worth.
I AM terrified by joy.
I need to listen to these over and over again so they sink in!!
Thanks Brene Brown!!
Simple and Wise
"You be you and I'll be me and everything will work out the way it is meant to be."
That is what he said. Simple, yet so perfectly accurate and wise.
You see, this morning KP and I had one of our first "disagreements". Actually that's not true, it was more of a miscommunication and it was basically my fault. At times I am not particularly good at conveying what I mean. My thoughts can be a little too busy to put gracefully into words so I get clunky.
So, since he is one to always speak his mind he pointed out that something I said had concerned him. I was glad he did because what he heard and what I meant were not the same thing. Of course I did my best to explain and then felt bad for creating the confusion.
When it was all said and done the air was cleared and once again he put things in perspective perfectly by telling me the above.
That is what he said. Simple, yet so perfectly accurate and wise.
You see, this morning KP and I had one of our first "disagreements". Actually that's not true, it was more of a miscommunication and it was basically my fault. At times I am not particularly good at conveying what I mean. My thoughts can be a little too busy to put gracefully into words so I get clunky.
So, since he is one to always speak his mind he pointed out that something I said had concerned him. I was glad he did because what he heard and what I meant were not the same thing. Of course I did my best to explain and then felt bad for creating the confusion.
When it was all said and done the air was cleared and once again he put things in perspective perfectly by telling me the above.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Living
Today we went for a 3 hour motorcycle ride.
It was glorious, a beautiful, sunny fall day.
My iPod loaded with my favorite tunes.
My favorite person vigilantly piloting his Harley through the countryside.
Two people happy as hell to be with each other.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Down the Rabbit Hole
The other day I was thinking about how I am stuck right now in this middle ground. A nowhere land that everything is fucked up. A dark corner that only I, with my gift for fucking up my own life, could have possibly backed myself into. Yes I have a knack for just doing everything wrong and making my life a living hell even when each step of the way I try so damn hard to do the right thing and make good choices and live a loving, decent, caring life. How does someone have such good intentions yet end up doing such a poor job?
On one side of me stands a dysfunctional marriage that should I leave it would be a long (months if not years) and painful task (am I even strong enough to go through with it?) and result in me shuttling my sweet baby girl back and forth between two homes for the next 10 years. Heartbreaking. Not to mention the sense of failure, once again, for not making a good choice on who to marry; for not making it work.
On the other side I have the potential for what might be a REAL loving and happy relationship but it is really too far out of reach at this point. It can’t be real for a long time and there is no guarantee that it will ever be real. The longer it goes on like this the more I worry it is just going to implode because, let’s be honest here, there is just TOO MUCH garbage between me and the reality of a true life with KP.
I don't want to hurt anyone!
So what do I do? I cry, and hate myself and want to hide from the world and run away from myself. Why can’t I just disappear? I want to call in sick to work and get a bottle of wine and just stay home and cry and drink until I can’t feel anything. I hate my life so much it hurts (or maybe I hurt so bad I hate myself) and I have only myself to blame for how my life is now. I got myself into this, no one else did. There is no good solution. All directions will suck. I have to chop off one arm or the other!!
It all feels so fucking hopeless and ridiculous and I can barely stand IT.
THEN…KP calls….I tell him exactly what I am thinking. He listens with patience and wisdom. He tells me not to worry, to quit hating myself because that serves no good purpose. That is does nothing to make things better for anyone. He tells me to think about what will make me happy; to focus on the future and how I can make the future a better situation. He is so damn supportive and kind and positive that I suddenly feel foolish for having headed down the rabbit hole of self-loathing. I promise him I will go to work and not be self-destructive.
So I go to work and feel better and realize I can take this one day at a time and the world won’t end and I will survive and who knows, maybe tomorrow a solution will come to me and it will all work out for the best.
Why can’t I talk myself out of the rabbit hole? Why do I need him to help me?
On one side of me stands a dysfunctional marriage that should I leave it would be a long (months if not years) and painful task (am I even strong enough to go through with it?) and result in me shuttling my sweet baby girl back and forth between two homes for the next 10 years. Heartbreaking. Not to mention the sense of failure, once again, for not making a good choice on who to marry; for not making it work.
On the other side I have the potential for what might be a REAL loving and happy relationship but it is really too far out of reach at this point. It can’t be real for a long time and there is no guarantee that it will ever be real. The longer it goes on like this the more I worry it is just going to implode because, let’s be honest here, there is just TOO MUCH garbage between me and the reality of a true life with KP.
I don't want to hurt anyone!
So what do I do? I cry, and hate myself and want to hide from the world and run away from myself. Why can’t I just disappear? I want to call in sick to work and get a bottle of wine and just stay home and cry and drink until I can’t feel anything. I hate my life so much it hurts (or maybe I hurt so bad I hate myself) and I have only myself to blame for how my life is now. I got myself into this, no one else did. There is no good solution. All directions will suck. I have to chop off one arm or the other!!
It all feels so fucking hopeless and ridiculous and I can barely stand IT.
THEN…KP calls….I tell him exactly what I am thinking. He listens with patience and wisdom. He tells me not to worry, to quit hating myself because that serves no good purpose. That is does nothing to make things better for anyone. He tells me to think about what will make me happy; to focus on the future and how I can make the future a better situation. He is so damn supportive and kind and positive that I suddenly feel foolish for having headed down the rabbit hole of self-loathing. I promise him I will go to work and not be self-destructive.
So I go to work and feel better and realize I can take this one day at a time and the world won’t end and I will survive and who knows, maybe tomorrow a solution will come to me and it will all work out for the best.
Why can’t I talk myself out of the rabbit hole? Why do I need him to help me?
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Wedding Anniversary
I did go buy a card. I had to dig through the really sentimental ones to find the not so mushy card for my husband because, sadly, no he is not the love of my life or my best friend. Tomorrow, to celebrate, we have a little family outing planned. Hopefully it will be nice.
It’s been a month now since me and “KP” changed from being just friends to a bit more. Since then we have been talking to each other a lot….like hours and hours. We have grown very close (no we are not having sex). He is a breath of fresh air in my otherwise dreary life. He really listens to me. He is brutally honest with me. He is a wise man who has already given me the right advice at the right moment more than once. He has the most gentle and kind heart I have ever encountered on a man that is my age and single. He raised his two kids on his own after his wife ran off. He chose not to date while raising them to keep their lives simple and drama free. He has not dated for 14 years!
I know what we are doing is not right, but I cannot turn my back on the chance that this could be something really special. I know that only time will tell. For now we are just getting to know each other on a deeper level. For now we are both waiting to see what will happen when the “shiny new” wears off.
We have however, had very frank discussions about my marriage and why I bother to continue in it. I know exactly why I stay but to an outsider it seems ridiculous. I don’t think I will ever be happy in my marriage. There was a time when I thought it might all work out. There was a time when I very much longed for change and worked hard to make things better. Lately I feel that it is futile so I have given up for the most part. Funny that my husband doesn’t even pick up on any of this. He just hums along in his little selfish bubble and is happy to have basically nothing to do with me except the occasional sexual encounter.
So KP says he has no idea why I don’t leave since I admit that my husband will never make me happy. I am 100% sure he says this out of compassion for me not any selfish motive. It is refreshing to be around a man that is not a selfish pig.
I can not help but recognize that many a good solid long term relationship has started like this. My father left my mother for his wife and they lived happily ever after for like 40 years until he died last summer. Rocco and his “affair” are very happy and have declared their love the love of a life time. And I know many others. My point is this….if KP could be the love of my life I am not going to write it off just because my jerk of a husband broke down and married me 4 years ago after he told me he never would. I am kicking myself in the ass now for trying so hard to make our life together work; for forcing a relationship that was never on solid ground. I did it for Bean. I did it for what I thought was a good reasons.
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