Week in Review

First, a little story:

So my husband tells me he his is tired because for the last two nights in a row he has not slept well. I asked him why he was not sleeping and he told me he was too warm and kept waking up. I told him he should just adjust the thermostat since it was set at 80. His response was this “...but I read in Vogue that it was important for our relationship to turn the heat up in the bedroom.”

Sometimes he is the cutest thing EVER!!

This week pretty much flew by. Ever since last Sunday I have had some weird abdominal pains. They are not severe but are nagging and uncomfortable. I did not work out at all on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday because I just didn’t feel so hot. Then yesterday, despite still having the odd pain, I did my usual run in the morning and then biked after work and I feel much better. Still having cramps but my brain certainly feels better. I am obviously an endorphin junky.

The husband was good this week, nothing I can complain about. Sunday he was in a funk but seems to have corrected it and all this week he was pretty even….almost pleasant. It would sure be nice if we could keep this trend going.

RATINGS....On a scale of 1-10 ……10 being best:

Food consumption = 4
Snacking on junk in the evening continues to be an issue. I have been known to eat honey on tortilla chips, peanut butter on cheerios and we had ice cream in the freezer this week so I had that too. This is something I really need to figure out how to get under control. It is my downfall….no self control when tired and bored at home. I may have gained a pound or two this week due to my terrible snacking.

Liquor consumption = 5
I did not drink on Monday. Tuesday I drank a glass of wine and a beer. Wednesday I finished off the bottle of wine…..so more like 3 glasses. Thursday after my bike ride 2 beers. I get good ratings for quantity per evening but terrible ratings for drinking almost every night of the week.

Work outs = 5
Great 7 mile long run on Sunday with Julie. Skipped Mon-Wed but had a good run on Thursday morning and a good bike Thursday night. So quality was good……quantity was poor.

My mood = 8
Knowing I have a vacation planned is the best. But I was darn grumpy Tuesday morning when I woke up with my tooth and abdomen hurting.

Husband mood = 8
No major mood issues Monday – Friday morning. Sunday afternoon funk was not a real bad one.

Toddler mood = 8
Fewer tantrums this week. Still getting tired and more emotional as the week progresses.

NYC Here I Come!

I am very excited because I think I finally have a vacation planned. I plan on booking my flight tomorrow!

Recently on Facebook I reconnected with an old friend from high school that is currently living in Brooklyn, New York. The other day he emailed me some photos from when we were kids which was very cool. I then told him that someday we would have to come up and visit him and see NYC. He emailed me back and said to make it soon since he will probably move to Seattle in the not so distant future. He is currently doing freelance work and getting by on very little money because he has a screaming good deal on rent. However his roommate is getting married soon so the rent bargain will be going away and he won’t be able to afford to live in NYC anymore.

Please note that Brian is not a romantic interest. When we were teens, I dated a friend of his and have always regarded Brian as more of a big brother than a potential date. He is a sweet person but certainly NOT my type…..so get your mind out of the gutter.

So if I am to go to NYC on the cheap, I must go now. This means leaving behind my husband to take care of the toddler. Originally I meant to bring him along and leave our daughter with Grandma and Grandpa. Unfortunately the grandparents are too old to keep up with a toddler for a whole week. In another year I think she will be old enough that they can handle her for longer periods of time, but for now we can only leave her with them for a couple of days.

A few months ago when I suggested I go on vacation with my friend and not my husband, the husband was not too excited about the idea. But he seems to have mellowed some since then and when I brought up the idea of me going to New York City without him he told me it was fine. Best I can tell he really does seem OK with it. This is GREAT because I really need a real vacation………something exciting; an adventure. I love to travel and see new places so this is going to be awesome.

Besides, the husband keeps wanting to do vacations that involve mostly paddling a boat or riding a bike and quit honestly I think we can do that at home, save money and sleep in our own bed. It is not the adventure I have in mind. I want to travel for vacation and see new things and explore the world. He always says he doesn’t want to do “touristy” things. Well I do! Because touristy things are things that people like to see. That is why they are touristy things! You know what I mean.

Brian started a list of things I must do……here it is:

• Brooklyn Bridge (Wall Street and Ground Zero are nearby on the Manhattan side - fyi, you can't see much at Ground Zero)
  


• Staten Island Ferry (fairly good views of the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island, and it's free! Or we can take a ferry to one or both of them. I've been to Ellis Island and wasn't that impressed, but it might be meaningful if your relatives passed through it)
  


• Museum of Modern Art (really cool place - I'm a member and have guest passes, so free!)
  


• Rockefeller Center (plus Top of the Rock for great views and the NBC tour - next to Radio City Music Hall)
  


• Central Park (a wonderful place - I love it there)
  


• The Metropolitan Museum of Art (in Central Park and HUGE! Mostly older art, but some newer stuff - almost free! [they ask for a donation and I usually give $1])
  


• Guggenheim Museum (designed by Frank Lloyd Wright and right next to Central Park. It's worth going by just to look at the building and you can go inside and see the main rotunda for free - it's cool)
  


• Sabarsky Cafe (across the street from Central Park - it's like an old Viennese cafe, great place for coffee and cake)
  


• Empire State Building or Top of the Rock (I think you have to see NYC from a tall building - Empire State is taller and has the best views but the lines are very long, usually an hour or more - Top of the Rock is pretty cool, has great views of Central Park, and usually has hardly any lines at all, plus it's a more interesting building)
  


• Public Library (cool old building plus there's usually street dancers out front)
  


• Grand Central Station and Chrysler Building lobby (we should just stroll through these if we're in the area)
  


• Times Square (I hate this place, but some people think it's a must see - I'll put up with it if you want to see it! And you really kind of have to or you'll always wonder what it's like)
  


• Greenwich Village (not what it used to be since Sex & the City and NYU grew into it, but I suppose it's still worth seeing)
  


• Chinatown and Little Italy (again, not what they used to be, but still might be worth seeing, esp. Chinatown for cheap food)
  


• art galleries in Chelsea (only if you're into contemporary art)
  

Any suggestions on what else I should do while I vacation in The Big Apple?

Nuts

This morning I finished off the jar of peanut butter!!
--
I will no longer be keeping peanut butter in my desk.

You know you’re getting old when......

medical concerns are a constant issue!

This morning I went to the foot doctor again. I had two reasons for going. First, I was hoping that maybe he had some idea of something we could do to fix my Neuroma stubs. Second, I have a new pain on the outer side of my left foot that I was just a bit worried about because of its close proximity to my heel surgery and associated plate with 7 screws.

The pain on the side of my left foot turned out to be no big deal. I can do a few exercises and it should get better. I just wanted to be sure it was not something that would only heal if I rested it. I did not want to make a small injury into a big one by ignoring the pain. So, that was good news.

The Neuroma stubs are always painful, however some time more than others. The doctor had no new ideas of anything we could do for them that would work for sure. He said if they become unbearable we may be able to do surgery to fix them, but there is no guarantee that surgery will help. Long story short…..learn to live with the pain.

Anyone that has ever had chronic pain knows what a downer it can be with its ever present nagging in your head. To know you will never feel totally good ever again; to know that you will probably live like this THE REST OF YOUR LIFE is just sad. At times I will be running and think to myself “man, if this did not hurt so much I know I could run faster and enjoy running a lot more” I am so tired of thinking that. BUT….. I just need to get over it since I have no choice. At least I can still run which is better than not being able to run at all.

My next health issue is my blood pressure. Ever since I took Adderall for ADHD some 8 years ago, I have had elevated blood pressure. I no longer take the Adderall, but my blood pressure has never gone back to normal. I have researched what may be causing my high blood pressure and possible ways to treat it at home and I come up with nothing. The biggest thing they want to fix when treating high blood pressure is being overweight……which I am not. The doctors don’t know why my blood pressure is high either and don’t seem to care; they just want to treat the symptom not find the cause. I suppose figuring it out would be hard and may make no difference in the treatment so on to meds we go. Most of the blood pressure meds I have tried have unacceptable side effects. One made me VERY sleepy and another made me feel too sluggish to exercise. Some give me terrible headaches. Right now I am on Novasc and it has very few negative side effects. The only side effect has been some swelling in my legs which was not so bad in winter, but seems to be worse in the summer heat and humidity. Also, the Norvasc is taking my blood pressure down to a better level, but it is not down as far as would be ideal. So, I really need to go to the doctor and try some other medications and see if we can’t find something that gets my BP down to normal and does not have any terrible side effects. The whole process sounds like such a pain in the ass that I keep putting it off. One of these days I need to just make an appointment.

Another thing that has been bothering me this week is some weird lower abdominal cramps. Similar to menstrual cramps but timing is totally off for it to be my period. At first I thought I just ate something foul and it would pass, but now it has been 3 whole days of weird cramps that seem to come and go. They were really uncomfortable Sunday evening and Monday morning but got a bit better though the day Monday. Then today I still feel it here and there. I wonder if it is Endometriosis? I sure hope not…….no more chronic pain please. I haven’t had a real physical since I was pregnant so it has been about 3 years. I have really enjoyed avoiding the doctor. I hate how they tell me I am old and need tests and crap. So, unless this cramp thing gets notably worse I am NOT going to the doctor. I hate doctors and will avoid if at all possible.

I freaking hate that I am getting old enough that every little thing I feel or change I perceive may be happing makes me wonder if it is the beginning of menopause!

Lately my eyesight is not as sharp as it used to be. I mainly think it is just from staring at a computer screen all these years. I look at a 12x18 inch screen, which is 2 or 3 feet in front of me for 8 hours every week day. That has got to be bad for your eyes. In the evening when I sit down to read I find it takes me a while to focus on my book which is closer than my screen at work. Also, my eyes started getting worse last fall which is when I finally started taking blood pressure medication. I can’t help but wonder if it may be a side effect of the medication. I know that all kinds of side effects could happen and even the doctors don’t understand it all.

Another sign that Old age is clamping down on me………….general I can tell that I am stiffer than I used to be. I work out a lot and try to stretch often and I can tell more and more that I NEED to stretch and I never felt that way before. I was always such a limber person but now I feel that I should work in some yoga so I will stretch thoroughly.

Another thing about getting older is you get dizzier easier. I can’t swing now or it makes me dizzy. I can’t ride roller coasters or spinning rides or they make me feel terrible. I think your brain is just set up like that. I mean when you are in utero you are upside down and then as a kid you don’t mind standing on your head, but as you age your body changes and no longer tolerates such things.

My teeth are a mess too. Recently I had a molar get a chip in it. The first dentist I went to told me it was in terrible shape and needed a root canal. I was shocked because I get regular checkups every six months and my old dentist had never indicated that the tooth was decayed on the inside. He had wanted to crown it because the filling was so large, but he never said it was rotting away. I went back to him and he put a crown on that tooth and never mentioned a root canal. I was relieved and assumed the new dentist was over zealous and out to make a buck. Now, some 4 months later the tooth is still very tender so I am pretty sure I will need a root canal. I have always tried to care for my teeth; I brush regularly, get cleanings and checkups every 6 months and I am still having one problem after another with my teeth which is so frustrating. I got the original cavities that started all this when I was 15 years old. I have not had a cavity since then it has just been maintenance of those first filings. At that time I did not know that a few little cavities would ruin my teeth forever cause fillings fall out and then are put back bigger and before you know it you have very little tooth left and you must get a crown which leads to a root canal and probably an implant eventually. Or just get it pulled and be a gap toothed hillbilly.

Now I know that my aches and pains are nothing compared to what some people have to deal with but it still depresses me to think that I will never feel totally good and healthy again IN MY LIFE! That’s a long time. Back before I broke my foot and before the ex left I remember feeling so strong and fit and good and alive. Man it was a good feeling. No matter how hard I work I will never get to feel that way again. Depressing.

Getting old sucks and I will never understand the people that say they are happier being older.
It’s just not right!

Book Review

I recently read the book “The Noticer” by Andy Andrews
A friend of mine was reading it and I decided to read it too so we could discuss the book together.
Well, after quickly reading 95% of the book my advice to you is don’t waste your time.
On the plus side it was a quick read so not a lot of time was wasted.

Be advised that the book is “pushing” Christianity without mentioning it directly.

Here is a review I found that pretty much sums up my opinion of this book:

Maybe this book just wasn't my thing, but I found it to be an incredibly simplistic, thinly veiled rip-off of books like The 5 People You Meet In Heaven (which I wasn't so fond of either). The book is basically a collection of scenes / stories that involve the mysterious character "Jones" - The Noticer - visiting people at different times in their lives when they are experiencing difficulties of one sort or another to help them "step into the light" and get on the right path.

This, Jones makes it sound so unrealistically easy, is just a matter of getting "perspective" on life... well, if it was that easy no one would need it pointed out to them, would they? And while Jones does make some valid observations to those he encounters about the things he "notices", they all seem more like common sense than any great insight.

The Jones character, who never ages and who appears as "Garcia" to Hispanics and "Chen" to Asians, is obviously supposed to reflect how Christ / religion can be all things to all people but, again, I found it to be presented in a very simplistic, almost condescending manner.

I think the underlying goal of Andrews' book, to get people to "notice" things around them, understand how their actions impact others, and to show their appreciation to those who make or have made a positive impact on their own lives is a laudable one. I just found the book itself to be something more suited to grade school age children than adults given the simplistic way it goes about delivering its message.

Sunday Evenings tend to Suck

This morning I met Julie for a long run at 6 a.m. We had a very nice time; just girl talking and running slow and easy. We ran a total of 7 miles and my feet did not feel too bad. I think I finally have my inner souls fixed right so I can avoid the sharp pains.

When I arrived home from my run, my husband proposed that we pack the boat and swimming stuff up and head to a nice lake that is about an hour from our house. I had some other things tentatively planned, but I want to promote family activities so I cancelled those plans and jumped at the chance for all 3 of us to spend some time together.

The Bean was so patient on the drive up there and I was really looking forward to playing in the sand, but when we got there, the beach was closed because the lake was flooded and water was up over the sandy beach. Now, we had no backup plan and after a ½ hour of playing on the playground and a potty break, we decided to drive home and just go to the local lake and swim.

Back in town, we had a nice time at the beach and Bean had a blast. But it was no surprise that my husband was a bit restlessness and bored. After all, he headed out thinking he would get a chance to paddle his boat and ended up driving in a big 2 hour circle only to end up sitting on a small local beach with no boating in his future. We stayed there for quite some time because the toddler was having so much fun, but then headed back to the house around 3:30 in the afternoon.

As soon as we got home the husband declared he was headed to the gym. I saw this one coming and totally understood. I am sure he was determined to get in some kind of work out before the day was over. I bet he even paddled on the machine at the gym. He was gone for about two hours and while he was gone, I emptied the dishwasher, put away a load of laundry, and put away all our stuff we packed to the beach, tidied the house up and put a new load of laundry in to wash. The toddler was a bit tired and had been perfectly happy to watch a DVD while I was doing chores. Later I sat down with her and picked up a book. This is where we were when daddy came home from the gym.

Beanie jumped with joy to see him (as she always does) and he began to play with her and send me a rather negative vibe. I decided to ignore his vibe and let him entertain the child. Besides, I had a bit of a stomach ache and was pretty happy to be parked on the couch with my library book.

For the next hour and a half he played with the kid and did some piddly stuff in the garage. If they walked past me I tried to be friendly and accommodating but he was rather cool and aloof. Now I know this attitude and have seen it 100 times before and have noted that it happens very frequently on a Sunday afternoon. I really do think that he gets sick of having me around after two days off work, but he would never actually admit to that. I kept reading and figured if he wanted to be “moody” so be it.

Later, he decided to get into the shower and I jumped up to remind him that he was due to get his back shaved. He brushed me off and said he did not want to do it even though earlier we had discussed it and he seemed to be eager to get it done. Now, I was suddenly fed up with his unfriendly mood and told him so. He redirected saying I was the one reading and he was just trying to give me some space. I told him I knew that was bull shit and that he does this all the time. He gets into a negative funk or has some grudge against me and then when I point it out he tries to turn it around and make it out like I was the one being anti social. Well, I told him that too. Then I told him if he was going to be surly, grumpy and unsociable all evening I was leaving to find something to do that I was not going to waste my evening sitting around the house putting up with him in a shitty mood. He then changed his mood and started to act nicer and though he was not sweet and tender all evening he was at least civilized and I was not disappointed that I did not leave to find a better environment.

Misc from this past Week

I bought some peanut butter to keep at work for emergency food needs. Well, in a week I managed to eat 2/3rds of the dam thing by just dipping my spoon in from time to time when it sounded good. I am not safe here alone with Mr. Peanut butter!

I finally ordered my Garmin 305 heart rate monitor /GPS for running with. I am really excited. I know a lot of people that use one so I am hoping this thing works for me. My Timex GPS system that I bought a few years back has always been too cumbersome and complicated to use. For the past few years I have been mooching timing off Terry, but he is going in for surgery on August 12th and may be out for a few months (getting a basil cell thing removed from his shin).

Also, I figured out why my shoes were not performing properly. I use small sized metatarsal pads and had bought medium ones instead. The new ones were too large. I went back and got a pair of small pads and things seem to be much better now.

My boss took away the aluminum soda can recycle bin. He said it was attracting bugs. It was…..but so does the trash. I mean really if the cans are in the trash or the recycle bin either way they are laying around attracting insects. (It would help if people did not prop the door to the patio open.) I think the trash gets emptied more often which is the real problem. Someone needs to empty the recycle bin more often. And, if someone would have mentioned it to me I would have been glad to take that job on. But no, they really just wanted an excuse to be done with recycling. They always hated it from the time I started working here and put it in the kitchen. So, now I have to either throw my cans in the trash or take them home with me. Either way I will manage. What is more disturbing is the fact that this whole building of people (about 6 total) could care less about recycling…..in fact, they hate it. There are a lot of ignorant people in the world.

It Totally Backfired

Today I found out that the X-boyfriend & wife’s house in Denver is 4000 sq foot and that they are not putting any money into the house since they will probably sell it as soon as his step daughter graduates from high school which will be in about 3 years. At that time, he may get promoted and move to Belgium. He already passed up an offer to get promoted to Australia, but if that came up again he would love to go there. If they decide not to move out of the country, they want to buy a smaller house in the foothills so they can be closer to the mountains and ski and bike more often. Geez!!

You know I started talking to her because everyone told me that I was fantasizing that their life was way better than it probably was. That I was jealous for nothing because everyone has crap in their lives and screwed up relationships and they are no different. Well, my friends were WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!

The more I talk to her the more I realize that they are so stinking happy it makes me want to vomit and that they are way more fortunate that I had imagined. That things are even better than in my wildest dreams.

Basically, the whole reason for talking to her has backfired and now it is too late to go back and think she is an old troll that he just puts up with. No, they are living a way better life than I had imagined.

Aint that just great?!?!?!?

Thursday is Daddy Night For Bean

This morning I finally got my husband to explain the whole story as to why he really wanted my wheels. And just feeling that he was honest and communicative with me made a huge difference in my mood. I wish he would get it through his head that just telling me what is going on is preferable to getting me all upset by being sneaky.

Lately I have been biking on Thursdays after work so the husband has to pick up our daughter. The first week he made a big fuss because I expected him to do it. The second week he was much better. After that he seemed to be fine with it and this week, I bailed on my ride because it was over 100 degrees outside AND very windy but he still volunteered to pick her up. I felt super good that we finally have an evening established that I get a break and can do what I want.

Also, I think it is good for him to interact with her more. He really almost needs to be forced into it. Some days she is not fun but others she is really a joy to spend time with. The more time he spends with her the more likely they will share some really special moments. He should be grateful that I want to go ride my bike and he gets to have Daddy night.

Wheel Fights and Fresh Salsa

So tonight I get home and the husband is already there. He has done the shopping for the ingredients to make homemade salsa and already eaten some of the chips. He is drinking a beer and hauls my road bike up the steps and shows me that it has new wheels. All this strikes me as rather odd. First, he must have gotten off work early or he could never have accomplished all this by 5:45. Second, he had mentioned new wheels for my bike, but I did not realize it was a done deal. I looked at my bike and could not tell that the new wheels were actually “better” as advertised. I wondered why he changed them. I wondered why he seems so sneaky about why he got me new wheels. I knew it was not just to be nice cause he is cheap and the old wheels were fairly good ones and in darn good shape. He wanted me to be excited I guess, but I was just confused. It seems to me that he is just always sneaking around. Leaving work early and pretending not to, changing bike parts when I am not home. My face showed that I was a bit dumbfounded and he then launched into the “I will take them off if you hate them.......but they are really better”. I told him I liked my old wheels fine and that I still didn’t understand why he changed them. He then said “well, if you don’t like the new ones tuff; you will keep them and learn to love them”. And with that he carried my bike out to the garage. Not in the mood to fight I decided not to think about it and to have some wine. Besides, I don’t ride much so it really doesn’t matter what wheels I have as long as they roll!

Later I found some sopping wet bike clothes in the laundry hamper so I started a load of wash. I then asked him if he even went to work. After all, he was home when I left and there when I returned. He had time to put on new wheels (changing the cassette I assume), time to go to the grocery store and eat chips AND do a bike ride. It just added up to maybe a ½ day at the office at best. He then got angry at me for asking and I got angry that he got angry. It was a legitimate question given all the evidence before me. AND, if I leave work early, I always email him and tell him that I am leaving and I will be going ______ or doing _______. Just to be communicative and fair cause I would expect the same courtesy from him. He on the other hand likes to come and go as he pleases and tell no one what he is up to. I view it as sneaky which makes me wonder if he is up to anything odd or if he wants me trained to not keep track of him so at some point in the future he has the freedom to REALLY do bad things behind my back. My philosophy is: if you are not doing anything wrong, why keep your actions a big secret?

The salsa was good but he put too many onions and cilantro for my taste. I ate a few bites but it was really for him. I spent the balance of the night drinking wine but feeling put off by his lack of communications.

Should have called Jenny

So my assistant at work has been on a diet. She spent a lot of money to hire a personal trainer. Her main motivation being that she has a high school reunion coming up in September. She, of course, started out all gung ho and wanting to tell me everything that was going on. I paid attention because I somewhat curious as to what the trainer would tell her to do. I found most of it to be sound and some of it to be unnecessary, but overall it was all stuff that was good for her and would head her in the right direction.

Today, she came into my office and was complaining that she was only losing a pound a week and had hoped for two. I told her that being on 1800 calories per day was not a dramatic number and that if she wanted to lose weight faster she should eat less. She then complained that as much as she was working out you would think she would lose more. I told her that exercise was not the key to weight loss and that she should not consider the exercise to be a big help. She then got VERY angry with me for saying that. I could not understand why it made her so mad. I told her that working out was good for her body and good for her health; all good reasons to do it. But it just wasn’t the best way to lose weight…..it wasn’t going to make a big difference. (Keep in mind she is not running marathons or doing extreme work outs just ½ hour stints at the local gym.) She then proceeded to give me the cold treatment all day long which really sort of pissed me off cause all I did was state a fact. It’s not like I told her she was weak or pathetic or anything. I was really stumped that she got so angry at me.

Mostly I think she hates the fact that she thinks it is easy for me and hard for her; which is not the case. It is hard for me too, but I have made a lifelong commitment to watch my weight, control what I eat and to exercise regularly. I don’t exercise for weight control, I do it for cardio health and mental health…………I just feel like crap if I don’t. I am used to it and she is not.

I decided that if she really hates to work out so much she probably would have been better off to join Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig (and it would have been much cheaper too) both focus on diet mainly and not exercise.

Another thing she is doing that I would dispute is trying to take up running which is so much harder when you are overweight. I would love to tell her to lose 20 pounds (or more) before she takes up running, but I know it would just piss her off more. But really, it would be so much easier for her to run if she were not packing the extra pounds. I remember when I was pregnant and gained 5 pounds and running was so much harder and I was used to running and in pretty good shape. Starting a running program if you are overweight by 25 or more pounds is just asking for trouble and guaranteeing that it will be hard.

My Best Friend has Defected

This evening, I got home and was feeling rather melancholy.........Mondays are not my favorite. And yes I may still be PMSing. After a few glasses of wine, I texted my old best friend Elissa and said something like I miss my old friend and wonder what the hell she is up to.

She eventually texted me back and promised we would get together. She promised we could hang out just the two of us which made me feel better. Usually she wants me to join her at a bar for drinks with her and a dozen other people. This is no fun when you are cheap and you just want to talk to a friend, not join a party. It has been 8 months since I last saw her and a lot has happened in that time. We have barely spoken to each other in those 8 months. I feel that she has basically gone on to lead a new life and left me behind.

Part of me really wants to see her and catch up but part of me is sad that she has changed so much. That she had to go and be so awful to her ex girlfriend. That she married and man after years of swearing she was a lesbian. That she married an older man with money which seems like a very superficial move. I would like to think my good friend is not a gold digger and just looking for a sugar daddy, but all of the evidence points to the fact that she saw the opportunity to marry a rich man and pretty much trampled down everyone and everything in her path to make it happen.

I keep hearing how happy she is now and how well things are going for her, and I really do wish her the best. At the same time though I worry that I don’t really know her anymore and that we don’t have anything in common. I don’t trust what she might do next or how she would treat me if she decided she did not have a need for me in her life. I am just not sure I want her in my life anymore and that is rather sad because just a few years ago I would have said she was the only person I could count on and I used to laugh that someday we would be old and still best friends living together since we were both single.

“This blog is open to invited readers only”

Today, another blog that I read regularly presented me with this when I tried to stop by and see what was happening in my blogger friend’s world. This is two now in the last month or so. I really don’t know how to contact these people and ask to be invited and a little part of me feels hurt by being blocked off. I know the blogger who shut me out had a good reason to make their blog private and that reason had nothing to do with me, but now I am excluded and feeling sad and a bit rejected. Also, it worries me, I wonder what is going on. I hope everything is OK and nothing awful is happening in their life. I have been following both these blogs for a long time……a year or more and I have gotten to know and care about the people I met through my internet connection. And, I will miss them.

Week in Review

First I have to tell you that I do have a full time job so keeping up with this blog, my family blog and all my other responsibilities at work and at home is a huge undertaking. This week I actually had a lot of work to do at work and could not blog as much I would have liked to. Both blogs were neglected. Meanwhile I had a lot of stuff going on in my head and my marriage that I wanted to write down. I took some notes in a spare moment here and there and then days later went back and filled them out.

I know that stepping away and coming back changes how I process and write things. Sometimes I look back at what I wrote when I was angry and I say “Wow that sounds so harsh!” I know I can be negative and I know that I spew mostly negative stuff at this blog but I really don’t think I am as bad as it seems. This page just gets hit the lowest of the low and I suppose I need to express some of the positive too. It is funny how the positive stuff doesn’t feel the need to be repeated and explored as much as the negative stuff. I guess I seek to fix the negative stuff and not the positive stuff and that is why I focus on it so much. Probably not focusing on it would go a long ways towards fixing it! Ironic isn’t it?

In many ways it was a good week. I got a lot accomplished. I actually earned my paycheck. I keep finding new honesty in my marriage that makes it a little bit more real and comfortable. I do try to discuss all this with him in the hopes it will makes us understand each other more and relate to each other better. Mostly I think it helps. Although for the most part he is in charge and he gets things his way and I just have to except that. He does listen and he does seem to care even if nothing really changes.

I keep slowly but surely making more time for myself and pushing for fair sharing of the kid duties. I really think if I can get 2 nights a week that I don’t have to pick her up I will be satisfied. I can run 3 mornings a week and bike two nights a week and then I would feel it was fair. Hour by hour he would still get the lion’s share of the free time, but I would be satisfied with two nights a week, 3 mornings a week and then my early morning weekend freedom.

I know I promised to blog daily and this week it was more of a catch up project, but I am starting to feel that it is too much and may be counterproductive. I will finish out July if I can, but at this point I am probably thinking daily blogging is a bad thing.

Proactive Thinking

I keep thinking I should somehow track my moods and track his moods. Maybe there is a cycle or a pattern or a trigger I could identify. I know that I may very well be PMS ing and that is why I have felt pretty negative all week. I also know that not getting enough sleep will mess me up and Sunday night / Monday morning I really did not sleep much and it was just a very bad way to start the week.

I also know that comparing him to the X-boyfriend is not fair and does not help matters. I know it is wrong and I should not do it, but I can’t seem to help it. I think it is just human nature.

I keep thinking that my husband is such a loaner and he will never meet my needs for a companion so I need to develop plan B. I don’t want to get rid of the man and I am not fool enough to think I can change his nature. I just think that if I am smart, I can figure out how to make this marriage work and not feel drained, depleted and used by him. I really think that if I can develop a network of friends to fill the voids that he leaves it may all be OK.

Also, I have been working to subtly change how we relate to each other in some areas that I think I can make a difference. One thing I have been doing is pointing out to him when he says something negative and it is counterproductive and pointless. Like the other day he came home and my daughter and I had eaten quite a bit of ice cream while he was gone. He felt the need to come in the bedroom and point out to me that I had eaten a lot of ice cream. This is negative interaction we really don’t need and I told him so. It’s not like I can give it back to him. Even if he does these things in fun, they seem to add up to a very negative vibe given the fact that it may be the only thing he says to me for hours on end. Besides, he can stand to be more positive and if I point it out and he is accepting it can only help him change for the better.

I also ask for my strokes. I will point out things I do nice for him and remind him that I am such a good wife who tries hard to please him. Usually he says that he agrees and acts very appreciative if I start the positive interaction. This goes a long way towards making me feel that he does love me and he does care and that he just doesn’t think to express it out loud.

Now, that is a trusting marriage!!

My husband and I do not have any joint accounts. Not a joint saving, not a joint checking, not even a credit card with both our names on it. I suggested we start a joint account a few months ago when we received our tax refund but the husband pretty much ignored me so I gave the idea up. I put the whole $3000 into MY savings. Later I gave him the state refund of $700 to be nice and somewhat fare. He never deposited it for months and I got pissed and decided to deposit it into my account rather than look at it hanging on the refrigerator for another day. He figured out what I was up to and almost knocked me down to get the check back. He was NOT going to let me have that money. It made me rather sad……not that I wanted the money…..that we are still so MINE and YOURS about things.

I also got to thinking…………….I used to trust the ex boyfriend to take care of me. I felt that if I lost my job he would support me. Hell, he told me he would and I believed him. I know he would have. I felt that if something happened (what I don’t know) he would be there for me. And, to a point he was, even after we broke up he would help me out from time to time. He even put my name on his new car and it was totally his idea not mine. He made me feel safe and cared for which is something you expect from your significant other.

With my husband, however, I don’t feel that way. I feel like he is greedy and selfish and would put himself before me most of the time. I get nervous that some day he will decide to leave and try to steel all my money. When he goes to the grocery store, I assume he did not buy the whole shopping list and conveniently forgot to buy diapers because he wanted to stick me with the costs and save himself some money. We keep our money separate and quit honestly I am not sure I trust him enough to want to combine it.

On the other hand, I see him not wanting to combine our finances as a possible sign of lack of commitment and a desire to keep things separate should he decide to pick up and leave. He has told me in a roundabout way that he does not want me to spend his money on my kids (the ones that are not his). I guess that is reasonable and I don’t really expect that he would, but then again to actually say that is kind of blatant. Besides, I make more money than he does and really have no need to dip into his money so why does he feel the need to bring it up? Just shows he thought about it pretty hard.

I told him we should at least put our names on each other’s account in case of emergency. I mean if he dies tomorrow I would like to access his account to pay the funeral bills. Or worse yet, he gets hit by a car while biking to work I would use his saving to pay the hospital bills. (He does not have health insurance right now and it infuriates me.)

When I confronted him with all of the above his basic argument was that generally people combine finances because one of them is not so good at managing their money and the other takes over. But, he and I are both very fiscally responsible and have our own systems that work well for us. I agree with him completely and I don’t know why we really should combine them……..then again we are married and it just seems like it is the normal (and trusting) thing to do.

Compassion versus Anger

I noticed today that I am feeling more charitable and kind towards my husband. Sunday night I hated his guts and yesterday I was still fuming.

Then, after a good night’s sleep and some time and perspective I start thinking instead of being angry I should just feel sorry for the guy. He basically has no friends and can’t really stand to be around people too much. He is kind of a social cripple in that manner. He can work a room at a party if he needs to and he can charm someone if the situation dictates. He can always land a job and turn it on for practical stuff like that, but lasting relationships are hard for him. He told me that he pretty much married his ex wife because she stuck around for so long. I guess usually, when people really get to know him they figure out how self centered he is and quit wasting their time and energy on someone who is a taker and struggles to give. I could tell Sunday afternoon he had just had too much of me and our daughter. It is like he gets irritated feeling and just has to escape. He gets tired of us if he has to spend the whole day with us. How sad is that?

P.S. -I ran this morning which may help my mood quite a bit.

Weekend Blah

I tried to keep a positive attitude all weekend and make the best of what ever came my way. But, last night I finally gave up and got very grumpy and negative.

Friday after work, I picked up the Bean and we drove through Long John Silver’s and got a fried shrimp dinner. I just HAD TO HAVE SOME fried shrimp and my daughter is a huge fan of French Fries. We munched then on the way home and it really hit the spot. More and more lately it seems I have no self discipline and it rather upsets me as it used to be a strong point for me.

My husband got home late after biking to work that day. He then went to the grocery store so I did not get to see him much. He “forgot” to buy baby wipes even though they were on the list.

Saturday morning at 6 a.m. I did a bike ride which was fun. After the ride I lingered at the coffee shop and socialized with friends. This is something that I did not used to do because I knew that my husband would be counting the minutes until I returned home to relieve him of baby duty. But, more and more, I linger to establish the expectation that I may be gone for a while and may not rush home. I am trying to carve our more time for me so I won’t feel that he gets the lion’s share of the no kid activities.

Later in the morning I took Beanie to the lake to swim while my husband did his 85 mile bike ride. At the lake, my daughter started playing with some girls her age and I chatted up their moms. I have to admit I felt so much older than them that I could barely relate. (Funny I had the opposite problem when Chris was a child and I was always the youngest mother.)

Saturday evening was uneventful……just the three of us at home.

Sunday morning I did a quick 5 mile run because my husband told me he needed to work all day. Originally I was planning about 8 miles. When I got home from running I did the weekly cooking……..FOR HIM. He did work until a little past noon. Then he went to the gym and then he came home and acted generally grumpy and anti social the balance of the day. I was bored and lonely and a bit hurt by his behavior. But mostly I just wished I had somewhere to go or something to do rather than sit around the house feeling rejected and letting him ruin my weekend.

I was so angry and upset that I slept on the couch. Well, actually I laid awake on the couch and watched TV a lot. It was a long and negative night.

Suprise me by being more than I expect! I Dare you.

My husband has told me more than once that I always under estimate people. That I always think they are stupid or mean too easily or too quickly. I have given this a lot of thought and the other day I was reading some old entries in my journal and I notice quite the opposite. All my postings where about how I believed in someone and they let me down. Or how I trusted someone and I was wrong to do so. When I look back at my life I think I have made a lot of errors in judgment by thinking that people were smarter or more capable than they really were. Or I trusted people to be good, honest and decent when I should not have.

For example I know at one point I assumed my ex husband was fairly smart. I believe I concluded that mostly because he has a master’s degree and reads a lot. Now, many years later, I can tell you that he is not so smart and having known him like I have, I now know that just because you have a degree it does not prove you have any intelligence or capabilities what so ever. It just means you muddled your way through some classes at some point in your life. He reads philosophy a lot and reads the same stuff over and over. It may be entertaining for him, but it is certainly not educational.

Also, I once dated a man that was more than 10 years older than me and used to own his own business. I assumed he was no dummy after all, he had raised a family by running his own company and he had 50 plus years of wisdom under his belt. Later, after I got to know him better, I discovered that he was about as mature as a 12 year old and when he said he had his own company he meant that he was self employed. This basically means you are such an idiot you can’t work for anyone else because they wouldn’t have you. You know, he didn’t pay his taxes for a few years back before he met me. He told me he just didn’t feel like it. What an idiot!

So maybe I do under estimate people at this point in my life. Maybe my husband is right, but if I do, it is because I have learned the hard way over the years that most people should not be trusted and are pretty dumb. Experience has taught me that lesson in life. I wish I would have been far more wary and less trusting way sooner in my life too!

It is not too often I meet someone and at the end of the day I say to myself "wow, I was wrong about that guy, I totally under estimated him!"

Fresh Start?

I always think it is pointless to hate people or write people off. I always think it is best to be friendly and nice and not burn your bridges. But more and more I feel that keeping in touch with people from my past is just an unnecessary reminder of the past and the crap that happened then that I really don’t want to remember or think about. So, maybe it would be better to write off people from my past. Most are not really my friends, we just stay in touch and there is probably no point what so ever in doing that.

Week in Review

Holy Cow, my posts are all too long. No one will read all this!

This week was an odd one because we had Monday off for the 4th of July holiday, my child was sick and my boss was not at work. So, I was just kind of out of my normal schedule all week.

Good things about this week:
- I got a lot of reading done.
- I did not work very much and never had to talk to my boss
- Husband was relatively kind and agreeable. I found out he wanted to go to the gym to see if he could watch the Tour De France.
- So far none of the grown ups have caught Beanie’s flu.

Bad things:
- Didn’t work out very much. Tuesday’s run was hard, short and slow. Never lifted due to sick kid. Thursday’s run I was flooded in and didn’t feel so great anyway. Friday’s run was only 5 miles but felt pretty good.
- I ate like crap……..very, very, bad food week. I should be ashamed. I am ashamed.
- Did not get to spend any quality time with my husband or my teens.

Queue the Circus Music

I have so little motivation for my job at this point it is totally ridiculous. And recently a few events have happened to make me have even LESS desire to be here or care one tiny bit what happens here.

Some background:

I started working here in 2004. At first, I busied myself getting files in order, processes in place and replacing a useless accounting clerk. Once the clerical issues of the accounting area were in order, I moved on to tackle some bigger issues.

I found that my boss was in the habit of creating messes. For example, he had dozens of loans open and many credit cards and numerous companies. At first, I thought this was due to my predecessor not doing her job. But, later I found out that this was by design. See, my boss truly believes that you can play a shell game and in the end come out with more than you started with. I can’t tell you how many times he has asked me why we don’t set up an equipment leasing company, sell our equipment to that company and then lease it back.

He also loves to spend money. He is the guy that does the supply shopping. He goes to Sam’s and gets pop for the vending machine. He likes to buy the foremen new trucks. The auto dealers call him when a white Ford pickup comes into the lot. If he needs a piece of equipment for one job, he likes to buy it, not rent it. He thinks renting is a waste of money.

Another thing he loves is getting all the money for himself. If we have a person pay their bill with cash, we have to sneak it to the bank or he will take it. If we have any money in the bank, he suddenly needs to buy stuff. He currently has 3 homes with a total of 5 mortgages. 2 loans on his primary residence here in town, 2 notes on his first lake house, which is on the market but not selling and a new lake house that only has one loan, but he is spending ½ million on renovating the property. Money he doesn’t have!

I would not have any problem with the owner siphoning money out of the company if the company was making a profit. However, this company has not made a profit since 2003 and my boss has been keeping things going by getting loans and creating bogus transactions with his brother’s company and other various lies along the way. It is not uncommen for me to barely make the payroll……..it happens ALL THE TIME.

Latest financial events:

Just last week I received a few big checks. I sighed a big sigh of relief thinking we could finally get some bills caught up and still have money left over for payroll the following week. Then, my boss goes out and buys a (new to us) used crane. It was only $50k which is not bad and the company that sold it to us is letting us make payments, but still, we can’t afford another monthly payment, we can hardly make the ones we have.

Even worse though, he purchased, for cash, a truck for the shop manager, a service truck that cost $25,500. I had to wire the money last Friday. Our service manager had been using his own personal pickup truck and it was working fine. We would just pay him a monthly fee of $300 for the use of the truck. It was simple and cost effective.

Now, after putting aside money for next week’s payroll, I am flat broke and can’t pay any bills!
And as if all that were not bad enough………we keep having personal issues as well:

I work in a small office. If everyone is at work there are a total of 7 people. Usually at least 2 people are not around. There are three women in the office. Me, my assistant, Cherie and a woman named Gail who is the personal assistant to the two Vice Presidents of the company. These are the two guys that oversee the day to day operations. One is always in the office, and the other is never in the office. I am still not sure which of them works harder. They do think they are terribly important and I know my boss, the owner could not keep the place functioning without them. The job foremen report to the VPs, not the owner.

These men are all in their mid 50s and think women are supposed to clean up after them and take care of them so they can do the “real” work. All women are glorified secretaries to them. This has been an issue with me because I am a college graduate with a set of skills that are a bit more than answering the phone or making copies. However, they tend to think that is all I am capable of. They will NEVER view me as an equal, as someone who can run a business, because I am a women and I am not a local. And, not to toot my own horn, but I could do a much better job at running any business than this group of yahoos around here.

Gail is a problem also. I think she has OCD. She is just a freakin’ bitch most of the time. She is so picky and everything has to be her way. She is also the type that guards her work so she will remain indispensible. So, you are not allowed to know what she does, see what she does or help with what she does. Top secret…..very important……go away.

Lately, she has gotten all pissy about the condition of the kitchen. Now we all use this kitchen. Her basic stance is that you must always clean up after yourself immediately and there is no exception to that rule. Now I can tell you that no one expects anyone else to do their dishes or clean up after them (except the VP guys who slop coffee all over the effin’ place which seems to not bother her at all). Once in a while someone will set a dish to soak or get called away for some reason before they get all cleaned up. If I have dishes to wash and have time, I wash whatever is in the sink. If I don’t have time I wash my own stuff and ignore any dishes sitting around that aren’t mine. It is really no big deal and it is not like stuff sits around for days on end. I have never known anyone to abuse the kitchen. Generally everyone keeps it clean.

Well, Gail had to tell Cherie off for leaving her lunch dishes to soak and then getting involved in payroll and forgetting to wash until the next day. This is rare and evidently it is worth starting a full blown office war over. I am not sure why Gail cares so much about what other people do. I really don’t think anyone is causing an inconvenience for anyone else. It is just not the way SHE would do it. So she has now made a big deal about it and neither me nor my assistant will feel comfortable using the kitchen. What is the point of having a kitchen you can’t use? I don’t know. More importantly is the concept that she has to have it her way and we all need to get in line or she is going to be pissed off and make a big stinkin’ to do over it. Why is she so much more “right” than anyone else?!?!

Do you take this Man?

At this point I am sure that my biggest hang up with my husband is the fact that he didn’t meet me, date me, fall in love with me and decide he wanted to spend the rest of his life WITH ME.

I know that he would not have married me if we had not had our daughter so I always wonder if he finally did marry me just to make me happy not because he really fell in love with me and wanted to. Maybe he married me just to make his daughter feel she had a real family. Maybe he married me just because he thought it would make me easier to live with (I did bitch about it to him regularly) and in turn make is life more pleasant. Maybe he married me so that his parents would no longer feel awkward about the whole arrangement. Probably it was all of the above combined.

I do have to tell you that the day we got married I had a good feeling; like he was on board and happy to be there. I felt that we were doing the right thing. That’s a good sign right?

How will I ever feel safe in his love?

How will I ever believe in our marriage?

These are issue that I need to work on and hopefully concerns that time will also help with. If he really loves me he will continue to work on our marriage and not trash it. At this point, I think he does a pretty good job (for him) at making the necessary effort to make our relationship work, to make it a happy marriage that fulfills both our needs.

For the most part I can’t complain and I am way better off with him than I would be without!

Tuesday and back to work

Since the baby has been sick I knew I could not send her to school, but the cleaning lady was coming so I needed to get out of the house. She could talk the ear off an elephant. I decided to load the Bean up and go to work for the morning.

First thing when she woke up, she wanted a drink. I handed her a glass of water and she drank it fast. She was obviously very thirsty. Then we got into the car and about 4 miles from the house she acted as though she was going to hurl. I pulled over and she assured me she was fine, but I handed her a towel and told her that if she needed to puke to do it into the towel. About 5 minutes later, that is exactly what she did. I was on the highway and watched in the rear view mirror as my sweet little girl threw up like a pro. She did not cry or freak out; she just emptied her stomach and then wiped her face. I pulled over as soon as it was safe and praised her for hitting the towel so well. I gave her a wet wipe to finish “freshening up”.

At work, it wasn’t long before she wanted to lie down and she crashed big time. She spent most of the day dozing or watching cartoons. She was pretty quiet which wasn’t all bad…..too sick to be a bother.

After I spent the whole looking after the sick child, my husband finally came home around 6:30. (Where was he from 5-6:15….who knows.) He was friendly and tried to be helpful, but the baby was just sick and wanted to rest. He attempted to read to her, something he does EVERY chance he gets (to the point it is a bit ridiculous), but she really wasn’t up to it. Finally he said he was going to go to the gym. I told him that was fine that we were just going to be chillin on the couch. When Bean heard him say that he was leaving she complained that she did not want him to. I told him to sneak off and not make a big deal of it and she would be none the wiser. He wandered around the house a bit and vanished into the basement.

At 8:45 I stuffed the sleeping child in her crib and got my book out and climbed into bed to read the last two chapters. The house was quiet and the husband was off in the man cave and I was really in the mood to enjoy my book. I had read ½ a paragraph when he came waltzing in the bedroom and started making a scene. I can’t recall what he was teasing me about but he was being annoying, loud, pesky and unpleasant. This is his idea of fun and I find it irritating most of the time. Besides, he ONLY does it when I am obviously busy and will not appreciate the attention. I told him I wanted to read my book and he should just go brush his teeth and leave me alone. He finished brushing and then climbed in bed for some poking, squishing and more annoying me. I really was aggravated……it’s not like he was being nice or romantic or even friendly……..he was just acting like a jerk. I told him again that I was not enjoying his behavior and that I wanted him to stop. He then got huffy and announced he would go to the gym and left rather abruptly.

I was a bit pissed off; all the time before he could have been gone and I would not have cared, but now that the baby was in bed and we could spend time together, he wanted to leave. He could have joined me reading or he could have been nice to me and I would have been happy to put down my book.

After mulling it over, I decided he wanted to leave so annoyed me on purpose so I would tell him to leave me alone. I tried calling him and he did not answer so I left a message basically stating that he should just tell me if he wants to leave not make a scene so he can.

In the long run I was so pissed off I couldn’t read anyway. Soon after he left the baby woke up too so I pulled her in bed with me cause I was worried she was about to throw up again.

4th of July Holiday

So, big 4th of July holiday weekend…….3 days off work. How did I spend my long weekend you ask? Did I hang out with friends? Did I go out of town? Did I visit family? Barbeque?

Nope…..none of the above.

First the toddler was sick. (So it actually turned out to be a good thing that we had NO PLANS.) It started with diarrhea which was at first attributed to eating too many grapes. Then, Saturday afternoon she puked up her breakfast of sausage and chocolate milk, some 8 hours after she had eaten it. My husband could not believe that it was still in her stomach after all that time. I assume that was part of being sick; not digesting things. Then we knew she was sick, but we hoped it was going to be a quick 24 hour bug. Even after barfing, she seemed to be in a good mood and insisted on going to the pool.

On Sunday morning, I had the joyous task of cleaning both diarrhea and vomit out of her bed. I did no less than 8 loads of laundry over my “holiday” weekend. There was also diarrhea on the carpet at one point after she went down for her nap and decided to climb out of bed and play with her toys while her diaper was leaking foul liquids everywhere. (I actually cried when I found this mess.) We also had a huge puke splatter occur in the master bathroom which soiled both of the throw carpets, hit the wall, cabinet front, toilet front and shower doors. I had such a good time cleaning it up.

On the bright side, we did make it to the pool twice and we took Bean to see her first ever fireworks display. I got off work at 3 on Friday and decided to take the toddler to the free local public beach to swim. She marveled at the other kids blow up toys so on Saturday, we stopped at Wal-Mart and got her one too. Then, Saturday evening, we all three went back to the lake and enjoyed a beautiful evening at the beach together.






Sunday was the 4th and we loaded the family and the garden wagon into the SUV and drove up to campus, parking in garage that my husband uses for work. From there we hiked up to where the display would be. The parking lot was full of “tailgaters” and we enjoyed just walking around and people watching. My sweet husband was kind enough to pull both me and the toddler since my feet are so bad. Everyone we passed commented on how cute the kid was and how lucky we were to get pulled around.

Once the fireworks started, my daughter started to cry and clung to me like her life depended on it. The noise was scary and she hated it. I totally respect her for this…….I am not a huge fan either. I told daddy we should leave, but he just took the girl from me and then only slightly wandered away from the display. I guess he thought she would change her mind if he encouraged her to watch. I think he was just being rotten and should have helped the girl out of a situation she did not like.

Exercise log:
Saturday my group bike ride was cancelled so I opted to go to the gym and lift weights. My teacher who recently gave birth was there. The newborn baby girl is only ONE MONTH OLD and Carrie was back to teaching BodyPump! I think my breast feeding boobs would have gotten in the way if I would have tried a clean & press while nursing. I left Allia at the gym daycare because at this point she had not thrown up yet so I did not realize she was sick.

Sunday morning I did a 7 mile run while James watched the sick girl. Then I returned home and he took off to go paddle his boat. This is pretty typical of a family that exercises and has kids. We have to take turns so someone can watch the young one which means we don’t get to spend any time with each other unless we skip our workouts. Either way pretty much sucks.

Monday I met Terry at 5:30 a.m. and we did a hilly 25 mile road ride. Because it was a holiday, the roads were completely deserted and we really enjoyed the peace and quiet until a dumb bastard in a tan pickup had to go and blow it for us. We were out of town on a county road called K. I suppose the speed limit there is 55. We were blasting down a hill at about 30 mph when the truck came upon us. He went dangerously close to Terry as he passed him doing at least 55 or more and then he did the same to me. I looked up and he was making gestures in his back window like “get off the road”. I could not help myself and flipped him off. We were not in the middle of the road, we were not riding 2 abreast, we were not even going slow and it was not rush hour so what the heck did this guy have to get all pissy for? Stupid hillbillies can’t stand that we have a legal right to use the roads and they need to just get over it. It is sad to say but one day, someone will get killed because a driver thinks it is smart and funny to play these types of games. I just hope I am not riding with the group that ends up being the victim of such a stupid accident. Don’t they realize they will go to jail for manslaughter?

This Week in Review

Other than the toddler melt down Wednesday evening I have had a great week. Got a lot accomplished.

Proud of my work out schedule:
(I will recap for my amusement not your amazement)
Sat: 32 mile road bike with hills and a MTB bike ride too (1 lap at Rockbridge)
Monday: Did leg machines at the gym. Squatted 100 pounds on the sled.
Tuesday: 5.5 mile run and 1 hour weight lifting (BodyPump class)
Thursday: 5.5 mile run and 27 mile road bike ride @ 18.5 mph
Friday: 4.5 mile run

Looking back over this…….not enough weight lifting. Tonight I will try and do some crunches and pushups at least.

Overall, the husband has been fine this week. I can’t complain, no big mood issues, no fights.

We are coming up on a 3 day holiday weekend so I probably won’t be able to post. I plan on making the best of staying home. We usually travel to KC to visit the Grandparents, but they have seen the toddler the last two weekends in a row so no trip to KC this weekend. I pushed for a trip somewhere else, but the husband, although he won’t admit it, just wants to stay here and ride his bike or paddle his canoe. OK then…..I can adjust and be happy. If the husband is not around I will take the kid out and find SOMETHING to do! I may even dump her on sissy and be selfish with my time.

On a side note……….I plan to eat sensibly and not just gorging myself because I am bored, depressed and stuck at home like I frequently do. (Wish me luck on this one it will be the hardest part of my weekend plans.)

Mommy Abuse

So last night, after work, I go to pick up the toddler at day care and I see her across the play ground and smile because I am happy to see her and she sees me and immediately starts crying, turns around and runs to the nearest teacher. I walk closer hoping she will calm down and she only acts more freaked out that I have come to pick her up. In her toddler voice through her tears and hysterics, she makes it quite clear to everyone that she hates me and does not want to leave with me……..so embarrassing. Now, I am feeling hurt and embarrassed, but what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to react? The teacher tells me that ever since she woke up from nap she has been moody and a bit irrational. I assume she is over tired and the teacher tells me she seemed to wake up on her own after a full nap so it did not seem to be lack of sleep that was driving her outbursts. I remain calm on the outside and tried to sweet talk my daughter into being more rational and calm. I try to woo her to the car with me and it only makes her more angry and obnoxious. She continued to act like I was going to kill her the minute we left the parking lot.

My next thought was (and I know it is a cheap shot) “dear god she takes after her dad, she is just a moody and irrational person.” Then I say to myself “what have I gotten myself into?” ….meaning the whole thing, the whole package, bringing her into the world and having to deal with her and him. What if they are both mentally ill and now I am stuck dealing with it FOREVER! Is this thought process normal? Do I jump to extremes or am I actually on to something and being realistic?

Finally, after both the teacher and I tried to sooth her with no luck, I just picked her up and started to carry her out. I had no other choice because she made it clear she was certainly not going to leave with me willingly. The minute I picked her up she began to scream harder and kick as though it were the end of the world. Her shoes went flying and my shame and embarrassment gave way to mostly anger.

I found my patience, smiled and carried the freaking out toddler to the car. She kept struggling to free herself and kept screaming and everyone near us looked up to see what the hell was going on. I smiled an embarrassed smile and kept walking. At the car I put her in the car seat, snapped the latches and thanked God for the ability to restrain her. I drove off and she kept wailing and complaining. I told her she needed to calm down or I would put her right to bed the minute we got home. She just kept yelling undaunted by my threats. The whole 20 minute drive home she bitched and moaned and made me feel tense, angry, disappointed, and plain old depressed.

Once we arrived home and she knew I would stick her in bed she shut up and asked to watch TV. Now I was not feeling like punishing her, I just wanted some peace and quiet so I plunked in front of a Word World DVD and retreated to my room to read my book on Buddhism. Yes, I needed to just get away from her and regroup. The whole evening I just felt brutalized by the child. I wondered if the day care employees were home speculating that she suffers great abuse at home. The whole thing just makes me sick to my stomach and I definitely don’t recall any of the other kids EVER behaving like that. I really am worried that there is something wrong with her……..she has always been oddly moody.