Grumpy

Yesterday Husband biked (bicycle) to work so instead of leaving the house for the gym at 6 am like normal, he left at almost 7.  I’m not real happy when he is hanging around in the morning while I am trying to get ready to leave.  Usually, he is pooping in the bathroom at the very moment I want to do my makeup……..or……I clean up the kitchen and then he heads right in there and makes ANOTHER mess.  I like to listen to the news on the radio and he likes the TV news.    

Another thing that makes me nuts is I make the bed, load the dishwasher, put the laundry away, tidy the cushions on the couch, get the girl ready, feed the dog and rabbit, etc. etc.  He does nothing but get himself ready and then he kind of mills around looking bored.  Sometimes I get tired of being the only one doing the work around the house; especially when he is there doing nothing.

When he finally went to leave, I happen to step out into the garage and spot him with NO HELMET on.  I said nicely “you are going to wear your helmet aren’t you?”  (This is something we had a huge fight over after the motorcycle accident and the helmet literally saved his life.)  He stared back at me blankly as if to say “no…not planning on it”  I waited for a bit and then I said “please where your helmet”  He gave me a dismissive shrug and I yelled “FINE THEN FUCKING DIE FOR ALL I CARE” I slammed the door and went back in the house.  It really makes me angry that he continues to do this shit after the motorcycle crash!

I noticed as he went down the driveway he DID put on the helmet.

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Last night it was almost dark when he finally got home and I had started to worry.  He told me he worked late.  I wondered to myself if he really had.  (He's known to have lied to me in the past.)  Then he spent the balance of the evening being a total grump.  He was just an ass.  He never actually said anything but he sort of stomped around the house with an angry scowl on his face.  He opened and closed the refrigerator door too hard.  You know, stuff like an angry teenager might do.

It was depressing and I let it bring me down.  It's hard for me to ignore that behavior in my own home.....from a person I care about.  I know I am not supposed to let it affect me but it does.  I sad in bed and watched TV and stayed out of his way. 

I asked him what was wrong but of course he didn’t answer.  I just wish he would tell me what is on his mind once in a while….that’s all. 

Another Good Weekend

It was raining and yucky Saturday morning but I got my butt out there (eventually) and hammered out my planned 13 mile run.  Those last two miles were pretty miserable because I haven’t run 13 miles since last September.

After the run I got home to find Husband had taken Beanie to the gym with him so I enjoyed the run of the house for at least an hour.  When they finally arrived, Husband was in a good mood and we chatted and hung out until I finally said “OMG we have got to take a nap” which was around 2 pm.  Later it occurred to me that he was fine with chilling in the kitchen because it was still raining.

After naps we all three went out to dinner and then went shopping for a patio dining set for our new front patio.  Daddy saw a cheap one at Menard’s he wanted to show me.  I told him I would rather find a nicer one then buy the cheap one and upgrade later.  After 3 stores we gave up the hunt until another day. 

Someone should buy me this set!!!

 

Saturday evening Husband and I had “adult” relations and it wasn’t so bad.  I wanted to relax and enjoy myself but I find I am still full of resentments and bad thought processes so I just tend to tense up and feel awkward.  At least I am aware of all this and working to get past it. I kept thinking he has been so sweet I should be more enthusiastic. 

Sunday morning I did my weekend chores and talked to Friss on the phone.   Then at noon Monster showed up to babysit and I went for a bike ride.  (Husband left for his bike ride around 11….No we don’t ride together because my 17 mph speed is too slow for him!)

I biked with my “boys” and although my legs were sore and tired from my long run, I managed to keep up and finish the 32 mile ride without too much embarrassment.   I was thrilled.

I enjoyed a post ride beer and chatting a bit before heading home where Monster was just leaving.  He wasn’t the least bit upset that he was stuck watching his sister at my house for almost 4 hours which made me feel good.   Husband had biked 75 miles and just beat me home!

Next I cleaned up and took Beanie to Wal-Mart to buy a few things and then we went by Uwe’s to help him order some eye glasses on line.  Something I am good at because I have to order them for Friss every few years.

At dark we headed home and Daddy was just coming in from mowing.  Beanie went right to bed because she never had a nap and I painted my toe nails.  I was wiped out from my busy weekend but still found it hard to sleep because I was so sore, my allergies were aggravated and I was hungry….still working on those last 5 pounds so I was at a calorie deficit for the day.

  

This is Hard Work

Last night I was down….really down.  I kept thinking things are worse….i feel more hopeless lately.  In the last few months I have spent a lot of time feeling really depressed.  (I did check the calendar and I am sure hormones are involved.)

Then this morning I woke and I thought to myself…  “Self…..you have started seeing a therapist and started digging around in the deep corners of your mind.  You are opening closets and pulling out the skeletons.  You are facing things you would rather not face and thinking about things that are challenging.  Of course you are going to be down….of course it is going to be hard.  But usually things that are worthwhile are not easy.  So suck it up butter cup and keep up the hard work because at the end of the hard stuff may be some really good stuff that you would not have found otherwise.”

Then I came into work and got some good news. 

I am finally finished with the Codependency book and I know it was depressing me. 

So now I am feeling much better.  I really can’t give up….I have to keep moving forward.

I did ask husband how he thought the date went.  He told me he wished we could have gone out.  I agreed….but I think he was kind of blaming me for that which isn’t fair.  Then he said he was glad we talked.  I wanted to shout “I talked, you didn’t talk, you just listened” but I didn’t.  Then he said it was a bummer that I fell asleep as soon as we went to bed.  This kind of hurt me cause I immediately remember how (near the end) Rocco told me that he hated the way I have only two speed 100% or zero.  Other people have made comments as well.  I just don’t know how to do anything else.  If I am awake I am busy and productive and doing stuff that needs to get done.  When I sit down I fall asleep….often.  I wear myself out when I am awake.  I am not a “relaxer”….I wish I was….sometimes.  I think people would like me better.

That’s another thing that was bothering me yesterday.  I told George I have huge social anxiety and I worry ALL THE TIME that people won’t or don’t like me.  (This is something that the Codependency book discussed a lot and it kept urging me to be myself and people would like me and that the fear of rejection is all in my head.)  George on the other hand said he could see how I could bowl people over or they might not know what to think of me.  That was like a punch in the stomach.

I talked to Friss today and he said to keep working on eliminating the negative self-talk.  I will keep working on that too.  He is right….I spend a lot of time beating myself up wishing I was better, stronger, more socially eloquent, more relaxed, etc, etc. etc.

Not a Good Day with George.

Not a good day with George.  I went in there with high hopes and a long list of things to talk about.  For the first time ever I left feeling depressed and hopeless.

I eagerly told him about my 2 am revelation and he was happy.  He was proud of me for how I handled Husband when he was being depressive and how I didn’t let it ruin my evening.  He kindly handed me a bunch of information on co-dependency and other issues he suspected were relevant.

Then, he basically explained to me that all knowledge come from experience and everything else is information.    In other words, I have formed ways of thinking and patterns of belief in the past 45+ years of my life that are deeply engrained and supported by the experiences I have had.  The only way to change them is to experience something different.  Reading and understanding or being told won’t do it.  I have to live it……..AND having one or two different experiences won’t undo the ideas I have built up over years and years of experiences.

It’s like this….your neighbor yells at you for walking on his grass, you will quit walking on it unless you want to be yelled at.  And if one day you walk on it and he doesn’t yell you will assume it was just an off day and the next time things will go back to normal.  If you walk on his grass over and over and he never yells than finally you say….OK I guess he won’t yell any more.  Then the transformation of your belief has taken place. (Lame example but I am in a hurry)

The other thing we discussed is the fact that my husband does all his PA things and many other things in an attempt to control his situation so he feels safe.  This is his way of coping and until he experiences something contrary to the beliefs he has built up over the years he will not quit reacting to life the way he reacts.  He feels that NOT sharing his feeling is what is best for him.  It is his way of feeling safe and having control of his life. He will NOT start sharing his feeling with me until he believes that doing so will better meet his needs which are to feel safe and in control.  I don’t see how this will ever happen so basically he will never open up to me; he has no reason to.  His current way of doing things is to his liking.

See this is one big giant catch 22 and even if I am willing to change, which might actually in the long run change how he reacts to me, it will be a huge undertaking to change me.  It will be a slow and gradual change taking possibly years.  It won’t be like jumping off a cliff; it will be more like walking down a mountain. 

In a nut shell, nothing will get better soon for sure and it might get better over a long period of time if I work hard and get lucky.   Depressing.

The one good idea he offered up was to talk to husband about how he felt “date night” went and how we might do a better job next time.  I plan on doing it and I am hopeful that we can actually agree that it didn’t work out well, agree that we want to do better next time and actually discuss real legit ideas on how to make that happen.

However, I am going to wager a small bet with you here and now.  He will say it went fine or make a joke about how more sex is always better and that will be the extent of it.  I hope he surprises me and we can really discuss this.

You Make The Call

Last weekend we received an acceptance letter from the private school we want our daughter to go to next year.  The letter stated that if we wanted the coveted spot they were offering us we needed to sign the letter and return a $500 deposit by Friday 4-26-13.

My husband owes me $350 for paying our tax bill last week so I handed him the letter and said “why don’t you pay the $500 since you owe me money.”  I signed the letter and showed him that he needed to sign it and return it by Friday.

Last night (Tuesday) he got home from work and told me that he is slammed at work with a big project and that he might have to work until midnight tonight (Wednesday). 

Later in the evening I thought to ask if he had mailed the money and acceptance letter yet.  He said NO so I told him to give it back to me that I could take care of it since his work is so busy.  He told me it was at the office or he would.  I offered to come pick it up. I also told him I wanted a copy of it so this would give me a chance to do that as well.  I told him I would just run it up to the school and pay them in person so we could just know it was done.  (I like having stuff done and not hanging out on my TO-DO list.)

He said he would take care of it on Thursday so I didn’t need to do anything.  I pointed out that the letter clearly stated they needed it by Friday and what if the USPS didn’t deliver it over night.  He replied “it just has to be postmarked by Friday…right?”  I told him I didn’t know the rules and I didn’t want to test his theory so I would just come get the letter.

He then said he could scan if for me and I would not need to make a copy.  I told him it was not necessary.  If he was so busy at work just sign it and give it back to me and don’t worry. 

He seemed to want to argue about it somehow.  No doubt he felt I gave him a task and taking it back somehow doubted his ability.  BUT that is not the case.  I am just trying help.  He said he was crazy busy at work.

So here is the question:  Am I being co dependent by trying to save him the effort?  Am I just being a control freak because I will feel better knowing it is done?  Or, am I just being a responsible adult and considerate wife by offering to do this thing for him when he is, by his own statement, super busy?

And why can’t he just say thank you honey and give it to me and be happy that when he is swamped I help out?

BOOKS

Today I received another book in the mail that I did not order. 

The first one really threw me because I had no idea who would order a book and ship it to me.  I assumed it was an error and pitched it in the corner of my office.  I knew that none of MY friends would get me a book called The Secrets of Calvary (or something like that) and it was around Easter time so I figured maybe some church project was involved.  After all, it was a tiny inexpensive paperback.

I had no interest in reading the book.  I have a pile of books I want to read and I am working on them.  I admit I was a little put off by having a book pushed on me.

Our UPS guy finally said it was his doing.  He’s a friendly guy and has invited me to attend his church with him before.  I thanked him because I thought it polite to do so and promptly gave the book to someone that I thought might actually read it.  I hate to waste a book. 

I am NOT religious.  I don’t go to church anymore and I don’t study the bible.  It’s not where I am or what I am doing right now.  Evidently the UPS guy thinks it is because he sent me ANOTHER book today “A Purpose Driven Life” by Rick Warren.

I have actually heard of this book, if I remember correctly it was very popular at one time.  However, I have ZERO interest in reading it and now I have to DO something with it. 

First I need to decide how to respond when he asks if I got it.  Should I just give it back to him and say no thank you?

Suggestions? 

(And don’t tell me to read it.)

Burning

The weekend was GOOD mostly:

• Passed the 5 year old to her Grandparents without a hitch.  This involved two hours of driving (1 with her in the car) and on Friday night you never know what mood you will get or what traffic will be like. 
• I visited my friend Brent’s farm and saw some baby cows, sampled his mom’s cookies and watched an angry mama cat attach my dog.  (It was funny, trust me.) I also got to watch my dog happily play with another Aussie for over an hour.  She told me the farm was like Disney World for dogs.
• We got confirmation that Beanie will be going to the private school we had hoped for.
• I found Lands End school uniform skirts on sale for $10 each.
• Had a good 9.5 mile long run and a great 20 mile group bike ride.
• Had a delightful 2 hour visit with my pregnant running buddy.
• Listened to my codependency book more.
• Picked up and organized the play room which was long overdue.
• Left the dog in a makeshift fence and it seemed to work for now.
• Enjoyed listening to This American Life without interruption.
• Talked to Friss on both Saturday and Sunday.
• Had a nice BBQ dinner with Uwe Sunday night after the bike ride and we watched 60 mintues together.
• Found a throw away piece of furniture and shoved it in my SUV and hauled it over to Ramone who was thrilled to get it.

I am second from the right.

The BAD:

All week long I told Husband that we should have a date night on Saturday evening while we were without child.  He agreed.  All week long I looked forward to sitting at a table with him and getting to spend quality time together.  I envisioned us actually having a “real” conversation.  I even had things saved up to discuss.

BUT, Saturday when I arrived home around 4 pm to start getting ready for this date, he was still out working on clearing his field.  You know the one he was doing just for my dog. Ha.  I walked up there and asked him how it was going and to confirm we still had dinner plans.  He told me that he could not leave because he was burning brush and needed to watch the fire.

Of course I was disappointed but what could I say.  I told him that was fine but that I hoped we could still get some time to talk.  I explained my goal wasn’t dinner out it was just to have quality time with each other.  He agreed we could still have quality time even at home.

I then went in the house and because I knew we weren’t going anywhere I changed into my comfy clothes and ate a snack. 

It wasn’t long before he came in and said he thought it would be OK if we left briefly to grab dinner. So, then I had to tell him it was too late that I had already snacked.  (I am on a diet and really can’t afford to eat a big meal much less dinner out AND a snack.)  Also, I knew he would want to race back to check the fire.   Quality dates are not rushed.  Now he acted disappointed.  I think this was a bit PA…to say no and then say yes and put me in the spot to say no.  Then again maybe he was just being accommodating.

At some point I went outside and tried to have the conversation I had planned.  I sat in the lawn chair and the whole time we were talking he was fussing with stuff in the garage and driveway.  His attention was not all mine even though he was listening.  He responded appropriately to all I told him and then we were adjourned and he went back into the field until dark.

I felt we didn’t connect as I had hoped, but I was happy that at least he listened to me.  When it got dark he came inside and cleaned up and we put in a movie and climbed into bed and promptly fell asleep.  (I had envisioned some heavy petting followed by some love making after the connecting at dinner or home.)

To sum it up…I hoped to connect and feel close….I hoped we could make love…..I hoped we would make good use of our time without our daughter.  BUT as usual we didn’t connect and I was left feeling like my husband and I live in different countries.

PS - I am sure he is pissed that he didn't get laid all weekend!

2 am Potty Break and a Revelation!

Last night Husband came home and was rather quiet and “injured” acting.  My first thought was to ignore his “vibe” and see if it passed so I talked to him about the necessary events of the day and the normal stuff.  Eventually I asked him if he was OK and he said he was depressed……or sad.  I asked why and he said he wasn’t sure.  I told him I was willing to talk if he wanted, but he did not.  I told him I felt for him and if he needed anything I was here for him. 

THEN I PROMPTLY PUT IT OUT OF MY HEAD!

I had offered my assistance and that is all I should do.  His emotional state is not my problem.  This is GOOD for me. I am being very conscious about my thought process.  I still had a tinge of disappointment but overall I went about my evening without his mood affecting me.  (I am feeling strong at the moment and I know I won’t be this good all the time but last night I did well.)

Later, when I was sleeping, it was around 2 am, he rolled around and lurched so hard that the bed shook violently and it scared me.  I awoke in a fright.  It took me a moment to realize what had happened.  I assumed that he wanted to wake me because I was snoring.  (Sad reality, we all snore as we get older….even if not overweight.)

I asked him if I was snoring and he said “yes”.  I then calmly told him that he had scared me and that if he wanted to wake me he should just talk to me rather than lurching the whole bed.  He said he wasn’t awake and didn’t mean to wake me; that he lurched in his sleep rather than doing it intentionally. I was confused at this point and started to dwell on what he was thinking……or feeling.  Was he upset with me?  Was he telling the truth?  He was silent and offered no other information meanwhile I tried to think my way into his head.

I then got up to go pee and as I sat there I realized….I spend a LARGE amount of time thinking and worrying about how others feel.  Now this may seem obvious in a way but this realization was not that I have genuine concern for others feelings; it was that I am completely out of line with the amount of time I spend thinking about how HE feels; trying to make sense of it, rationalize it, anticipate it, control it and even judge it. I let my perception of his feelings rule my life.  And it is just wrong. 

I do it because I care, but it is not the right way to care.  I had started to over think this whole lurching incident but I caught myself doing it.  I actually felt it….I knew it….I understood it.  Not just in my head but “emotionally” I felt it.  Like a real shift in my thinking.

I need to stay out of other people’s heads!

I wanted to bolt from the toilet and shriek with joy and tell him all about it but instead I went back to bed and tried to linger on the idea so it would sink in good and I could still access it come morning. 

I can NOT wait to tell George.  He will get it.  Most people won’t get it but he will.  Some of you will.  I mean really…..don’t we all spend way too much time worrying about how others feel and not enough time minding our own business. 

George & Self Care

I had the best session with George today.  I think we are finally, really, getting to the heart of things.  You see, my husband isn’t the problem….I am.  And I know that.  I have always known that.  I mean he makes it more difficult on me for a multitude of reasons, but most of the issues I have are issues that “I” have and “I” need to resolve.  I am the one that is dissatisfied and I have not really felt happy or normal in years.  Not since Rocco left.  So I know that I have issues that need to be corrected.  Honestly I have been working on this for over 10 years now!

We talked about my family history, how my parents discounted my feelings when I was a child.   They really believed kids were not full people somehow…that our feeling didn’t count.  We discussed many of the problems I am grappling with regarding my kids, my ex husband and other relationships.   I told him how I feel the co-dependent stuff relates to me. (read in this post)

He told me that I am a people pleaser; that I try to keep the peace.  (Funny thing is I kind of knew that but had not recently thought about it.) That I have been taught since I was a child to put my own needs aside and take care of others.  This is true.  I do try to take care of others.  I find my self-worth in feeling needed.  My parents were very conditional with their love and I was expected to be a good girl and earn any love or attention I received.

But it also seems confusing because people seem to be mad at me all the time.  So I don’t feel like my attempts to keep everyone happy are working at all.  If anything it seems like nobody likes me at all.  (and yes, I understand that is the point.....that my way is NOT working.)

At the end of the day I feel used and abused.  Like my family, friends or lover suck me dry. They take from me until I resent it.  I don’t know how to have a healthy give and take.  I don’t know how to get my emotional needs met. I guess I got lucky because Rocco seemed to know what I needed and give it to me?  I never felt like he sucked me dry.

So the goal then is to start taking better care of myself and getting my emotional needs met.  Sounds simple enough…………

But then I told George; maybe I don’t really understand what I need nor have any clue about how to get it.  I told George that on an intellectual level I get all this stuff…it makes sense.  I agree.  But in practice …day to day living…I still have absolutely no idea HOW to change. 

He told me that we naturally revert to our habits….that in times of crisis we go with instinct.  Basically: “The power of being emotionally stuck is far greater than the power of reason.”  << Snagged that one from my book.

He told me don’t be more selfish but have more self care.  I like that.  NOW, we just have to figure out how to actually DO it.

(this is the closest a therapist has EVER gotten to what is really the core issue with me....I just know we are on to something and I am beyond thrilled.)

  

Codependent

A couple of days ago I purchased a copy of “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie.  This book is considered a classic and although I have read about codependency before, I have NOT read this book and George recomended it.

My thoughts (about ¼ of the way through the book.)  :

My father was an alcoholic (binge drinker) and I know that we grew up in a house with a messed up balance of power.  My father terrorized us; we all walked on egg shells. 

I certainly don’t think I am a huge co-dependent type person compared to some of the examples in the book.  Seriously if my husband didn’t go to work and just stayed home drunk all day I wouldn’t think twice about dumping him.   Hell I dumped the X-husband because he was pretty much useless to me and he had a decent job.

But, still many things about this book ring true to me.  I do like to help others….maybe too much.  I am too quick to fix things for my kids and I certainly baby my X-husband more than I probably should. 

I do feel used and resentful at times that I give too much and get very little in return.  It's like I don't really WANT to take care of others...but I don't know any other way to be.

I feel guilty when I do things for myself.  I feel guilty for every single thing I do for myself.  I still do them though…some of them.  Like make time to run.  But I always hesitate to ask for time to bike.  That takes longer.

When Beanie was a baby I let my husband “push” all the work on me.  (See codependent - Let me try again.)  When Beanie was a baby I did way more than my fair share and didn’t ask for help as much as I should have.  I resented my husband for this and that was not really his fault….it was mine!  I should have asked for more help. 

The book talks about attachment.  I think I attach too much.  I put too much of my self-worth in other.  In what they think of me and how they treat me.  I let them have control over my feelings.

I can’t wait to talk to George about all this stuff tomorrow and see what he thinks.

Good Busy Weekend

I am so sick and tired of running alone that I got up Saturday morning at 4 am so I could meet some friends for a 5 am run.  However thanks to poor communication I was at the wrong starting location and ended up all by myself anyway.  It was dark and I was lonely and I could only manage to eke out a few miles before I decided to go home and get the dog. 

Once I got the dog, I “ran” six slow pathetic miles and it was all I could stand.  So my total for the day was only 8 ish miles.  NOT GOOD.  I have a half marathon on May 25^th and I need to get my act together.

Next I went to the office so I could work on our taxes.  My husband was self employed for part of 2012 and our taxes are a bitch.  I tried to finish them last Thursday evening but instead left the office in tears because nothing was going right.  We still owed $7000 and I was just overwhelmed.

As soon as I sat down to start working on the taxes again, Friss called so I ended up talking to him for the next hour.  As usual, he and I had a great talk.  We connect on a deep level and share almost all our intimate thoughts.  Being mom I obviously try not to talk about my sex life but other than that, we share EVERYTHING.  It is cathartic to be so open with someone and I really need it because right now, Friss and George are the only people I can “really” talk to.

Around noon I finally finished up our taxes and printed them out.  I owe all the credit to the large hazelnut latte from McDonalds!  I don’t think I would have made it without one.  We still owe $7000 but now I am confident that is correct and in fact, it was even MY fault.  Even better....I don’t care that we owe so much money because we are now done with the self employment income.  Next year our taxes will be easy and will be done by mid February.

On my way home, I swung by the ex husband’s house to pick up Ramone’s Polly Pocket toys for Beanie and to have him sign his state taxes that I should have mailed a month ago.  He was in a good mood because he now has the whole house to himself.  He said it is so peaceful.  Ramone moved her stuff to her apartment Friday night. 

This made me think….I have the time so I will stop by and see how her bedroom furniture fits in that tiny attic bedroom.  I had the presence of mind to call and warn her I was on my way.  I really wasn’t in the mood to be shocked and appalled by what I might find should I arrive unannounced.  (Which I used to do on purpose all the time when she was at home.)  When I got there, the place was kind of a pig sty and there was a boy asleep on the couch.  (At 1 pm.)  There were 3 other boys sitting on her bed watching a movie on her laptop.  She was cooking some pasta.

Looking for something to feel good about, I noted that the boys were all polite to me and the house didn’t reek like smoke, pot or cigarettes.  But still, I just felt sad that she was in a dumpy apartment with a bunch of worthless 18-20 year old boys hanging around.  You know what I mean.

As I left she requested I buy some metal rings for under the electric stove top burners.  She showed me the old ones and they were super gross.  I also noted she had her bathroom throw carpet in front of the kitchen sink and offered to buy her a proper mat to stand on while doing dishes.

Next stop was the grocery store where I purchased a bottle of (not cheap) wine to celebrate my income tax success and headed home.  I queued up Game of Thrones because I had dozed off Friday night while husband stayed up watching.  Once again I needed to catch up.  I often get behind because I do fall asleep early.  In my defense though, I get up early! 

It wasn’t long before Beanie returned home and we cuddled and took a nap together.  After dinner, Daddy and I watched more Game of Thrones.  It is the one thing we do together on a regular basis.  I rent a series from Netflix and after it gets dark outside we pile in bed together and watch it.  (We recently finished Downton Abbey which I highly recommend.)

Sunday morning I made everyone breakfast and Daddy put up the new temporary fence to divide the back yard into two separate areas.  He then spread grass seed all over the side that is to be the dogs. There is rain in the forecast for the rest of the week and he is hoping the grass will take hold.  I am not optimistic and have started pricing sod. 

Around 9 am Daddy went in to work and I took Beanie shopping.  First stop was Wally World where we got supplies for Ramone and purchased some cheap workout tops for Daddy.  He wears size small so I snatch them up if I find them.  Most stores do NOT even carry men’s small because most American men are so overweight.  I spent $50 and nothing was for ME.

Next stop was Kohl’s where we purchased 2 adorable dresses for Beanie; grand total $11 and some change.  SCORE

At noon Ramone came over to babysit so I could do a bike ride with “The Boys”.  I have an old group of cycling buddies who I am trying to network back in with for rides this summer.  These guys are a few years younger than me and darn good riders and right now, I can keep up.  If I continue to ride with them I will be smoking fast by the end of the summer!

We cycled a total of 32 miles at an average speed of 16.1 mph.  It was SUPER windy out so I was very pleased with the ride despite that fact that I may have forgotten to put on sun block and burned my arms a bit.  Oops.

Back home Beanie was really enjoying the new (used) toys and I cooked up some food to pack up for Daddy’s lunches.  After dinner, we went over to Uwe’s for a while.  It was nice to see him.  I just don’t see him much lately and that makes me sad.

Daddy didn’t get home until close to midnight because his boss has some deadline looming.  Poor guy worked all weekend.

Ramone in her apartment bedroom.  Good thing she is only 5 feet tall!

  

Fence Fighting (part 2)

So after work last night I was out back marking the corners where I plan to have the fence company add on to the back fence so the chickens aren’t living in a 10x10 cell.  I have a list of fence contractors I was planning on getting bids from and I wanted them to be able to come out, even if I wasn’t home, and take a look.

Husband came home and found me out back and muttered something negative.  I ignored him.

Then later in the kitchen he says to me “don’t phone the fence company…I can do that myself this weekend”.  I am sure he meant well when he said this but I was not happy.

I turned to him and I said “I know I am going to sound like a raving bitch but I just have to say this….if you can fix this up yourself in a weekend I am going to be super pissed off that I have waited 6 months!!”

I am pretty sure we exchanged a few more words but I was a bit too “hot” to even remember the details.  I do know that later in the evening I walked by him in the kitchen and he looked sad.  He was sitting at the table with his head hung.  I felt bad and wanted to comfort him.  I tried to hug him and he pushed me away.

I had had enough…I was done….I went to bed.  (In the past I would have cried myself to sleep or even lay awake because I was so upset but instead, I just passed out.  Is it progress that I just don’t care anymore?)

I woke up around 12:30 and realized he had come to bed which totally surprised me.  I thought he would sleep in the other room or worse yet, sneak out of the house like he did in February.  Is this progress?

I don’t even remember how I woke him up be we ended up talking. I told him that it was ridiculous that we can’t seem to communicate on even the most basic level.  That what he needs and wants in a relationship (distance & space) is the exact opposite of what I need and want (closeness & intimacy).  That I NEED to talk about things that bother me and I can’t keep holding it in forever just so he doesn’t have to be put off by the fact that I want to talk and it may not be fun.  I told him I am sick of trying to make things better in our relationship all by myself and doing everything his way.

I explained to him that normal couples get along, are happy and well adjusted most all of the time and periodically they hit a bump in the road and then they deal with it.  They discuss the issue and work out a mutually satisfying solution and then both feel better (satisfied) and move on with getting back to normal and happy.  This is how ALL of my pervious relationships worked.  He was quick to say “well if they were so great why aren’t you still with them?” 

Then, to be an equal smart ass I went on to tell him about why each of the 5 major relationships in my life had ended.  1) Ran off with the neighbor’s wife 2) would not commit 3) Complete opposite of me and we got to the point we hated each other.  4) dumped me for young blonde assistant 5) dumped me for much younger dark headed co-worker.  (Can you see why I believe most men will trade up if given the chance?)

Back to the real story…….I feel my marriage is normal and happy maybe 10% of the time.  I mean it’s not the norm it’s a treat when thing seam peaceful.  The norm is him being irritated by my presence and me being stifled and lonely so I don’t bother him too much. 

Here’s the thing….he thinks that living with another person is about putting up with them and making the best of having to deal with them in your space.  He doesn’t view it as something that even can be nice most of the time.  I now understand that a big reason he thinks that is because that is how his parents are.  They seem to put up with each other.  (They have been married for over 50 years!)  His father is quick to disappear and not say a word.  He often hides out so he can be alone.  They both spend hours reading or doing yard work to get away from each other.  I don’t think they even sleep together.  It’s really just sad and I don’t want to be like that. 

I quizzed him on how he shows me he loves me.  He used to tell me it was because he comes home.  I always say “you live here that is lame.” Now he has graduated to “I don’t cheat on you!”  I called bullshit real quick on that.  You see he has told me a hundred times that he would never cheat on me because he can barely stand trying to keep one girl happy why would he sign up to appease two.  (This is valid, he would NOT want to deal with a girlfriend and I know it.  It has nothing to do with respect for me it has to do with the fact that he is too selfish to give of himself to another person.)  He acknowledged that I was indeed right!

Another thing we discussed was the fact that he doesn’t NEED me for anything.  He doesn’t need hugs or someone to talk to.  He doesn’t even need me for sex…he has porn.  He told me he needs me to be our daughter’s mom.  No duh.  He says he needs me to teach him to be more loving.  He likes the fact that I have insisted he give me a kiss and say good bye when leaving.

He also told me we need to spend more time together.  We even discussed things we could do and I told him that me chasing him on a bike is not together time….it’s just irritating to me.  He promised we would start having dinner as a family at least once a week.  I am thrilled.  I hope it happens. 

The midnight talk was hard…but it seemed like we actually got somewhere.  I woke up this morning feeling MUCH better. 

Apartment At 17!

Today I went over to see Ramone’s apartment.  The maintenance guy was there working, but I think the landlord already gave her a key.  The girls had moved a few things in but they are waiting on some new carpet before they really move in. I know the lease doesn’t start until May 1 so it all seems a bit loosy goosy in my mind but I think like an accountant.  As long as they maintain the property and respect the girls I guess I can’t complain.

So the house is OLD and run down but the maintenance guy Wes is working to fix a bunch of things.  He rebuilt the front porch and the large flight of steps up to the 2^nd story apartment that the girls are renting.  When I was there he was ripping out a nasty old plastic bath tub surround and he said he was going to put up some real tiles.  I hope he does a nice job.  The walls are plaster with some cracks but they are all freshly painted and don’t look that bad.  The floors are a bit uneven and there is no dishwasher, but it all seems to be clean enough.  I noticed they had no garbage disposal and Wes said he would put one in.  The windows all look out over the lower level roof so in case of a fire there are about 5 different ways to get out.

I emailed the landlord after I saw the place and told him it was nice.  I asked if he minded them starting to put stuff in there and he said no.  He lives about 30 minutes from here but told me Wes lives right across the street and gave me his phone number should we need anything.  They all seem real nice and helpful. 

At this point, my biggest concern is how dang hot that upstairs apartment will get this summer!!  I guess we will find out.

They are decorating in a sunflower motif which is great.  Being teenagers I’m sure they could have come up with something I totally didn’t approve of.

Weekends Depress Me

It was a hard weekend mostly because I was so lonely and bored.  I was home alone with our daughter a lot.  On Sunday I was home alone ALL DAY.  Husband was out in the yard clearing his field and then he got called into work.

I just don’t know what to do.  I need human companionship and NO the 5 year old doesn’t do it for me.  She just drains me.

Yesterday she was eating a bomb pop.  She was getting near the bottom and slowing down.  I encouraged her to eat up as it would melt if it sat much longer.  She slowed down even more (tell me this is just a normal kid thing and not proof that she is a genetic copy of her father and will torment me for the rest of my life).  I then said “if you don’t want it can I have it, before it melts?”  Of course she didn’t want me to have it either.  It started to drip in her bowl.  I picked it up and took a bite.  She was angry.  I told her to eat it then.  No efforts were made.  I then ate one more bite and the rest of the darn thing became blue juice.

THEN she yelled at me for eating her whole Popsicle and said she needed another one.  I swear the nicer I am to her the meaner she is to me.  Much like all the other people in my life!

Still feeling bitchy from the weekend………..can you tell?

It was overcast much of the day.  At 6 am I tried to go for my long run but wasn’t in the right mood.  I did a slow 6.5 and called it quits.  I thought about doing some projects around the house that I have started and never finished ….but then I just didn’t have the energy.   Besides the kid would just interrupt me constantly and it would make me regret starting anything.

I’m just depressed.  If I am honest about it, it is the same old thing.  My husband is not my friend or companion and my “friends” that used to keep me company are all “gone” now.  So I guess it is time, AGAIN, to go out and try and find some people to hang out with…people that can deal with my kid, so I am not sitting home alone feeling depressed.

It’s not easy making new friends in your 40s.  Most people my age are busy with their families or their “old” friends.  Seems like my friends never last.  They move away, get married or pregnant or worse yet, they just get tired of me.

I usually think I can stand my marriage as long as I have a network of friends to fill my needs for companionship.  I just need someone to talk to and hang out with.  It’s really pretty simple.

The Fence (part 1)

At some time in our sorted past (when we visited the therapist together I think) my husband told me that sometimes I bowl people over; that I get an idea or have an inspiration and there is no stopping me or talking me into something else.  That basically I become so focused and intent on accomplishing my goal that I don’t realize I might be stepping on toes or offending people in the process.  I have been told similar things before but it was phrased more like “you are very driven which can be both good and bad”.   

It’s true; I can be a go getter which means I am good at getting shit accomplished!   But I can also see where it might be a bit much at times for those close to me like my parents or my partner in life.

So last October when my husband and I discussed me getting my dog, one of the things I told him was that I would need a fence to house her in so I could leave her safely at home.  You see a few years ago my husband took over the back yard so he could keep chickens.  My dog was effectively kicked out without my permission.  I know he thought they could share the space but really who would think that?  Later the dog was hit by a car and we had to deal with a broken leg.  It was a mess.

Before she even arrived, my husband knew and agreed that we would get a fenced in area for her.   At the time husband was very eager to clear our “upper” lot and he suggested that we should fence it in.  Now this is at least an acre of land and it is not right next to the house…it is across the driveway and up a short distance.  Not ideal for me and my dog but better than nothing.  In an effort to keep the peace and make my husband into a hero I said that would be fine.  I knew I was signing up to escorting the dog out of the house to put her in the fence come rain or shine or winter snow, but I also figured, if he was happy that was good and that often the dog could run free while we are home and I would just stuff her in fence when I actually left the house. 

Husband set about doing some clearing for the fence to be built, but made no effort to get a hold of a fencing company for weeks and weeks.  (Keep in mind that he LOVES playing with his chainsaw more than almost anything in the world.) Before long it was almost Christmas and I was pestering him about when the new fence would be completed.  He told me he was working on it but it was a bad time of the year to get fencing companies to come bid a job.

By then I was getting frustrated with his rather lackadaisical pace.  It was also around this time I quizzed him harder on why we don’t just relocate the chickens and return the back yard to the dog area.  He told me the chickens were safer up by the house (Raccoons less likely to eat them) and that it was much easier for him to feed them and open and close the coop door daily if they were so handy.  Which made good sense to me and I was happy he explained (he often does not).

My next step was to ponder possible ways to get a fence faster and still make everyone happy.  I mean ideally, we would not move the chicken house and I would still be able to put the dog in the yard from the house.  You know, open the patio door and pop her out while still in my sock feet.

Then I had a thought; what if we divided the back yard into two sections; a chicken side and a dog side?  The only problem with that plan is that the currently fenced yard is not very big.  Then I decided it would be the perfect solution to enlarge the fenced in back yard and then divide it into two areas.  After all there is plenty of room back there. 

I came home eager to share this idea with husband.  I’m thinking this is a win win.  I get my dog fence back and he keeps his chickens close to the house.  I took him outside and showed him my concept where he “poo-pood” it quickly.  He said it would be too expensive, that it would not be good for resale (goofy two area back yard) and that it would look unattractive.  Valid arguments I suppose so I let it go.  Back to plan “A” fencing of the upper lot.

I also have to mention that when he tells me these things it is with a tone of “don’t be ridiculous” that is rather dismissive which makes feel disrespected.   He is very capable of being courteous to others when discussing their ideas but chooses to not be that way with me.  However rather than be angry at him, which accomplishes nothing, I choose to think he treats me this way because we are so familiar and he is letting his REAL self out.  This is a good thing if I choose to view it as one.

Finally he got a bid on the job….it was like $6000 for the fence he had envisioned.  No way would he spend that kind of cash so he pared down the plan and got the cost down to more like $3000.  At one point he even considered canning the whole idea until I reminded him that I was still patiently waiting for a place to keep my dog.  (See he forgot whey it was even being done.)

So the fence guy was going to start working on our $3000 upper lot fence in late February when it snowed.  More delays. (This is taking forever!!)

So all winter I took the dog to work with me every day and left her in the car in her kennel a lot after work.  Now that it is up over 50 degrees I can’t leave her in the car like that anymore and not having a fence is becoming a much bigger deal for me.  I have, in desperation, gone and stuck her into my X-husbands back yard.  It’s not a great solution and requires a fair bit of driving out of my way on my part but I don’t have many options.  One night I even forgot to go pick her up.  Got all the way home and realized I didn’t have her!  I had to call and beg X-husband to let her in his house for the night. He was NOT thrilled.

Now the snow is gone and we haven’t heard a word from our fence guy.  I am pretty sure he is out doing bigger jobs that will net him bigger profits.   So it has been almost SIX months now and I still don’t have a fence for my dog. 

To be completely honest….I am at the end of my rope.  I never meant to drag this dog around in the car with me everywhere I go for months and months.  I mean when she was a small puppy it was great….I got to train her and bond.  But now it is just a ridiculous pain in the ass.

Yesterday I couldn’t go to the gym because it was 75 degrees out and I could not leave the dog in the car.

Anyhow…..last Wednesday I asked husband if we could discuss the two fence idea again.  I had a few more ideas that I thought would help him buy into my plan.  One was to do fewer modifications on the existing fence and the other was to put up a temporary not a permanent divider between the chicken and dog that could easily be removed should we need to sell.  I am getting desperate at this point an NEED this done.

He then says to me “do whatever you want, but I am pissed that I worked all winter to make you the fence up on the upper lot and now it was all for nothing.  I wasted a lot of my time and money on this!”

SOOOOO…….do you think that went over well???? NO…no it did not. 

Lucky for him it was an email conversation.  I told him a) I was letting you do what YOU wanted…it was never my first choice b) I have been patiently waiting for 6 months now…SIX MONTHS.  C) You have wanted to clear that upper lot since the day we moved in so don’t tell me that all that work was for me!

(See this is how the passive aggressive person turns stuff around and makes me out to be a bad guy no matter what the situation.)

This was his next message word for word  “You have been patient and I have failed to provide you with a fence.  I am sorry for pushing my way on you.”

NOW he is in super PA mode….apologizing and acting all wounded.   I want to scream!
(But even more I WANT A FENCE!!!!!)

Ramone Wants Her Own Place

A few months ago Monster moved out of his dad’s house and in with a bunch of friends.  He is currently going to college, but as best I can tell has little interest in doing so.  I understand he wants to move out so he can feel like an adult but I also worry that he will need to work more hours to pay his bills and he will then spend even less time and energy on his lessons.  Also I am ticked off because his dad kind of tricked me into helping pay his rent (only $190/ month).  In the end I was hoping it would help alleviate the boy of some financial stress therefore helping him with school.  THEN he went and got a puppy.  I wanted to cut off the rent payment thinking “if you can afford a pet you can afford rent”.  But then I realized I didn’t have the energy to start a fight…..I just want the kid to get through college.

So….with all that animosity percolating in my head and heart on Thursday March 28^th Ramone announced she was also going to move out.  She and her best friend were going to start looking for a place to rent so they could move out as soon as they graduate from high school.  Of course I am opposed and not going to help her.  She views that as me not being supportive.   However, right now, she has no interest in going to college so let her get out and taste the real world and see how hard it is to live decent while working minimum wage jobs.  She will be 18 on May 23^rd which happens to be the day of graduation.

The first place they found was in a terribly dangerous part of town AND they wanted a co-signer.  I told I would NOT be cosigning a lease for her!  Also, that very day there was a shooting by the apartment they were interested in.  She decided to keep looking.  I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

A few days later, she comes up with an even better place.  This one is bigger, newer and in a better neighborhood.  She was excited and thought she could get her dad to co-sign for it.  When she told me where it was I was immediately thinking no way.  I quizzed her some more and she sent me a photo.  YES, it was the building that her older brother Friss had last lived in.  You know, the one I had to clean out because he was going to prison for a LONG time.  I told her she had to keep looking that I would not step foot in that place…it was making me sick to my stomach to even think about her living there.

And that little brat told me “well you don’t have to come in then”.  This was last Monday the 1^st and I spent the whole day feeling ill.  When I got home my sweet husband listened to me as I told him what was going on.  He was nice and offered me constructive advice. On Tuesday morning I called Ramone’s dad and talked to him.  I cautioned him to let her pay her own way that he should be frank about how he would help or not help.  He is a bit of a softy and the kids walk all over him.  (Ok he has no spine but I am trying to be nice.) I also reminded him that if he co-signed he was putting himself financially on the hook for her.  Later that day he told her he would not co-sign and she called me to bitch me out for telling her Dad not to sign.  My life is always a joy.  But, I was relieved that she would not be moving into that townhouse.

Finally today, she called and had found yet another place.  (I guess this is all they do in their spare time.)  This one is the upper floor of an old house that has been converted into apartments.  It is in a decent part of town and she knows the teens that rent the downstairs place.  They say the landlord is a good guy and he is not requiring a co-signer, just a verbal OK from the parents.  I plan to go see the place and review the lease early next week.  So far this option seems like it may work all the way around. I will keep you posted.