The Ongoing Struggle to Pick a House - One last thought

Last weekend the weather was cold (15 degrees) and it was cloudy and crappy outside.  I was having a terrible time getting motivated to go out and run but I really needed to get some kind of a run accomplished.  I finally found some motivation by turning it into a project to make my dogs happy. 

Both dogs are out of shape and can only run about 3 miles before they poop out so I took one dog on a 3 mile jog and then came home and got the other dog for a 3 mile jog.  I just ran loops around the neighborhood because the roads and trails are still kind of icy from last weeks sleet/snow.

Also, Beanie's little friend who lives down the street stopped by to see if she could play.  I love that we have neighbors with kids and my daughter has friends so close by.

This got me to thinking........when we move back to the house in the woods, we will no longer live in a kid friendly neighborhood, or a jog friendly neighborhood.  Right now we live in a smaller subdivision with maybe 100 houses. The roads all loop around and it is very safe and secluded.  However, we are still conveniently located only 1 mile from the Walmart and the HyVee grocery store, 2 miles from the trail head and the gym, and less than a mile from the junior high that Beanie will attend in 6th grade. 

From my house I can send Beanie out to ride her bike and I trust that the streets are safe.  Her dad makes her take the dogs for walks around the block which we can do living here but can't do at his house. 

He lives on a paved 1 mile road that turns into gravel.   It is a single lane country road that goes to the highway.  It is not safe to walk on because cars fly up and down it and NEVER expect people to be in the road.  It is certainly too dangerous to trust the dogs or kids out on the road.  It is not a place I can run or bike from.  If we move up there I will have to drive to every single bike or run activity.  If I had lived there last weekend I most certainly would have never gotten out for a run. 

On top of that he has only 4 neighbors and none of them are neighborly.  One is a strange reclusive lady who works nights that I have only actually seen twice in the 12 years I lived there.  The people across the street are just weird and unagreeable so we try to stay away from them.  The older couple are 100% anti-social and mean.  I can't say I like any of them or would I want them to have access to my home. 

Here at the blue house I have lots of friendly neighbors and have even called them to let my dogs out once when I got stuck out of town.  We also have a neighborhood pool that is fun to hang out at in the summertime and chat up the neighbors and make new friends.

Basically, I have come to realize that moving up there in the country will be a quality of life sacrifice for me, my daughter and both dogs.  It will mean we are more isolated from friends and opportunities to get out of the house.  It will mean I have to drive 20 minutes to the gym versus my 5 minute drive now.

I really don't want to leave this house ...so....I think I will try and talk to him about it some more.  Ugh....this situation is the pits!

The Ongoing Struggle to Pick a House - Part III

Monday I went into work and JDK watched Beanie (still on winter break).  He was being super nice and as the day wore on my anger wore off.  I know I am a bit touchy and over vigilant for any sign of wrong doing because of...well all that has happened in the past.  I just want us all to be happy.....I want to be a positive person.

I do wonder if I shouldn't just keep my house and if he wants to move in fine and if he doesn't...well fine.  But then the practical side of me can't stomach keeping two houses.  Not to mention that leaving his house unoccupied is just asking for trouble.  We are worried that something will happen to his house sitting up there all by itself where no one can even see if it gets broken into.  (Which happened before when I was trying to sell it back in 2007.)

Monday we talked and he basically told me he didn't want to give up his toys (chainsaw, tractor, boat, etc.) so I told him we should just keep his house.  He said he wants to do what is best for all of us but he is worried he would resent losing his land (20 acres) if we sell his house.  I told him it was fine to keep his house but I would want to do some upgrades to make it more livable.  I am spoiled to my under cabinet lighting, functional mud room and just having my house set up so it operates smoothly and efficiently.  His house is over 20 years old now and is in need of a ton of work.  He told me he really wasn't in the mood for home projects that he just wants to ride his bike and train for the spring gravel races.  So then I started thinking about us moving up there and him be reluctant to do anything to make it nicer.  He actually promised Beanie last summer he would fix up her closet and add a lower hanging bar so she could reach it.  At the time, he said it was a "good winter project" and she took his word that he would do it this winter.  I don't think he will.  It will be like the never built fence project.....always something he is GOING to do.  I promised myself I would hire someone to do the project if he didn't want to.  I'm not going to get angry if he procrastinates. 

Tuesday I had to point out to him that if he really isn't in the mood for house projects and all he wants to do is ride his bike then why not keep my 5 year old house that needs NO WORK AT ALL.   He told me it was tempting and that he had spoke to a guy some months ago who helped build my house and the guy told him it was the best built house in town: that it has tons of insulation and the sprinkler system and they built the shit out of it.  JDK said it was part of the reason he wanted to live here for a month and see if he could stomach parting with his house.  I was glad to hear all this and know that he had actually been seriously considering both options all along.  

..........I still say his lack of communication gets us in trouble.  But that is a whole blog entry in itself.

Anyway, we talked a lot more about what projects needed to be done at his house to sell it or to keep it and I guess all that talking made me feel tons better like we were actually fully exploring all options TOGETHER.

Last weekend he looked at where I need shelves built in his storage area at his house.  He promised to get them done soon so we can start moving some things.  I told him I want to start moving in my spare time and not wait until the last minute.  He agreed he didn't want it to be a mad rush.

So now I think we are all good about which house to keep.  We have agreed that we need to keep his house or he will be resentful.  He has agreed to do some of the practical changes I need to be functional there.

The Ongoing Struggle to Pick a House - Part II

Mid afternoon on Jan 1 we went to his house to check on the place and get some items.  I was thinking about how to broach the subject of discussing which house to sell and decided to bring up finances...which is something we had not yet discussed.  I told him that we should probably consider the value of his home and what he has in it when deciding which house to sell.  That most likely he would make money on the sale of his house and if we are functioning as a family unit it might be in OUR best interest not to sell the house we will lose money on.  In a nut shell, we as a family should consider which house makes more financial sense overall.....not just which we like the best. 

He then grumped that he doubted he could make a profit on his house.  Then he implied (once again) that I had screwed him over on the sale of the house during our divorce.  I was pissed and just left the room to calm down.  (I try to pause every time I get mad so I can think for a while before I open my mouth.)  I vowed to bring it up again after the kid was in bed.

That night we went to bed and he cuddled up with me and I told him I wanted to discuss the whole sale of his house to him thing.  He said it was a sore subject and he would rather not.  I then explained to him that A) I know the price he got was very fair so he was out of line to be so resentful  AND b) that if indeed we are a family (as he keeps saying over and over again) it didn't matter anyway because my money is our money so therefor if I made off with some of his money he was getting it back anyway.  Seriously....I was very pissed and shocked that I had to point this out.  To me he had accidentally admitted he wasn't as invested as he had previously led me to believe.  (totally reminded me of the whole tax bracket comment!)

Of course he knew I was mad so he then gave me some bullshit explanation about how everyone wants more than they get when divorcing and everyone feels screwed over in a divorce and that I shouldn't be so upset.  That he really wasn't that upset and I shouldn't be either.   Whatever.... Why do you keep bringing it up if your aren't upset?

As the conversation proceeded he moved farther and farther away from me in the bed.  I know when you are fighting it may not seem like a good idea to cuddle but to me it just seems like an added insult.  Body language says a lot!  Instead of wanting to make things better or care how I feel he just wants to get away.   This is probably the most upsetting thing about him....always has been.

Feeling I had little to lose I went ahead and dived into the "my money", "your money" subject.  He flat out told me he wasn't there yet....that he didn't feel like it was all OUR money.   The conversation went down from there and he eventually started to doze off on me.  The fact that he can sleep when we are fighting makes me angry too.  I was way too pissed to sleep so I sat up and fumed.  Later I woke up and got angry all over again.

During the conversation he mentioned that he wants to be a better person and he thinks he making good progress on that direction.  He assured me that Joslyn is definitely not in his life.   He says things are better between  us than ever.  He says he is sorry we got divorced. 

Is it just me or does this not add up?  Seems like he should be excited to get to one house and get back to being married.  I mean things are better now....and he wishes we hadn't got divorced.   Why does he have to always be so damn confusing?

Monday morning I was still very upset.  I had decided that he wasn't really as invested in us as I thought he was.  It seems like he wants to keep his options open.  Seems like he is right back to the beginning where as long as he gets his way and it is all fun and easy and he doesn't have anything to lose than sure he will hang around but he makes me feel that if anything is hard then he will take that as a sign it's not working out and then he would be OK with forging off on his own again.

Do you see what I am saying?  I am saying that I feel like he can take it or leave it and only stays because it is the easiest option.  That is NOT what I want.  AND I feel like if I talk to him about it then he will basically say "oh you think so little of me?  Wow!" etc. etc. and make me feel like a piece of shit for not totally believing in him and thinking he hung the moon. 

Why oh why does it always seem like I am the one who has to make all the compromises to keep the peace and have a drama free relationship?

The Ongoing Struggle to Pick a House - Part 1

When we first got back together he seemed to so happy and he was trying SOOOO hard.  He often said things like "if we keep my house I want to tile the back-splash in the kitchen".  I was happy to hear these positive comments about our future together.  I was happy to hear he was UP for home improvement  projects.  He can be a such a scrooge with money and in the past he had balked at such expenditures.  Heck when we were on vacation in July we went crazy at an "antique mall" and a pottery shop buying cute things for decorating his house which was a bit out of character for him.

Months ago I explained to him that if we were going to sell my house I wanted to get it on the market in early spring which is when you have the most potential buyers shopping.  I need to get top dollar for it because I "paid" too much for the darn thing and stand to lose at least $20,000.  (I've excepted the fact that I will lose that much in realtor fees at a bare minimum....gah)  He understood and seemed on board with getting down to one house by spring.  He agreed it is a waste of money having two $300,000 homes.

In early October, he started acting more like the old JDK.  He was a bit moodier and seemed to have lost his lust for trying so hard.  I suppose that the "excitement" of being back together had worn off.  I was disappointed but figured things were just leveling out.  He would say "well, I knew this wouldn't be easy given all that has happened we will surely have our ups and downs but I am fully committed to our family" which always made me feel better.

Once I started working from home, which come to think of it was in October, he started staying at my house a lot more.  We had been staying about 50% of the time at each house but now that I was home all day it just made more sense to settle mainly at my place.  With two dogs and a kid traipsing back and forth each night would be too much work.

For a while he would swing by his house often for clothes or to mow the grass, but he soon grew weary of the driving in circles.  It is about a 15 minute drive each way so a round trip is easily a 30 minute project. Early on I was driving back and forth a lot and I can assure you it is a total bummer.

I guess it was late October or mid November when I found out we could finally get internet service at his house (it had been recently installed).  I told him we could go ahead and move my internet service and start transitioning to his house (for good).  I was ready to go....I thought that was the plan.  Then he stunned me by telling me maybe we should keep my house.  I asked why and he said that he wasn't sure which was the best option; that maybe a fresh start at my place was a good idea.  Now I was feeling a bit suspicious of his motives.  He seemed to want to put things on hold.  He wanted to think about it.  "We have two great houses we can enjoy....there is no rush."  I agreed there was no reason to rush but I reminded him of the need to list in spring and the fact that his house would need tons of work before it could be listed and I would want to move before we listed my house.  He indicated he understood but didn't want to discuss it anymore and seemed to avoid the topic when ever possible.

After Thanksgiving we put the big tree up at my house and he declared we would live at my house until after the holidays and then we would get back to picking a house.  I was happy with this.  He brought some clothes, some bikes and all the food from his house.  He turned his thermostat down to 50 and turned off the water.  We settled in for a month of being a family all in one house with no driving in circles which has been really nice.  I have actually started to like my house more and more over the past 6 months or so.  In fact in the last month I have really decided I would rather live here.  This house is pretty awesome really...especially now that the ugly past of last winter is so far behind me.

Then JDK had his little come apart where he admitted he missed "his life" (eg house).  At that time I offered to stay at his house and he brushed me off.  Alarms are going of in my head.  Why is he so dodgy on this subject? 

Later I brought it up again explaining that if he would feel better at his place I would be fine with that.   He finally said it was too much work to stay there because he would have to turn everything back on and drag food and stuff up there.  Fair enough....good logic for not changing the plan.  I wish he would have just said that the first time I offered.   Still if he was upset it could be done.

We then focused on getting through Christmas and I didn't bring it up again until January 1.