Clarity

Yesterday I woke up at 5 am and tried to get a bunch of things done. I became very frustrated when everything I tried to do didn't work out. I talked to Kevin on the phone and he soothed me and was very kind and supportive.

Then, while I was delivering the Bean to school, he stopped by and fixed her clock for me. I didn't ask him to do this, he just did it on his way to work because he knew it was one of the things that I was stressing over.

Next, when my first attempt to get Ramone's new car inspected failed, he fixed me up with a friend and got me in right away. Car was passed but I was advised it needed new tires and wiper blades. I am sure the other auto shop would have failed it and tried to sell me on the fixes.

After the inspection I told him I needed to buy tires so he made some phone calls and hooked me up with a super deal. After work he also took me to Walmart to purchase wiper blades.

I thanked him a lot and declared him my hero once again. He told me he was just being a good person, doing the right thing and it was not a big deal. He said I would do the same for him.  (I would.)

It feels so nice to have someone take care of me and help me in life.  I really have spent my whole life helping others and this is such a refreshing change.

Later I e-mailed my attorney and asked for the next available court date.

I really do count my blessings every day and feel grateful to have such a wonderful, kind caring man in my life. There has always been a shortage of such men for me.

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This morning I was talking with Friss and he was asking my WHY I finally found it in myself to leave my husband after years of being neglected, disrespected and taken for granted.

I thought for a moment and told him the first three things I could think of:
1) after Pop died I finally realized that I wasn't just raised with some lingering issues I was raised in an abusive situation that has left me with many mental scars. I am more aware than I used to be of the lifelong issues of self esteem that I need to address.  I guess I am understanding myself more than I used to.
2) Talking to Kevin on a regular bases helped me to realize that my thought processes where often off base.....that I was too accepting of mistreatment and too quick to doubt my gut instincts.  In a way he has been my therapist and is around all day every day to assist when I might need advise.   I am sure a "real" once a week therapist could not be as effective if for no other reason, time constraints.
3) Reading Chumplady every day really has helped me to find my MIGHTY and feel better about being strong instead of being a chump. I know that sounds odd but her delivery method of self esteem/ self help works for me. It is like group therapy that I can participate it at any moment I need it. I find myself going to her blog after I talk to my STBX just so I can regroup and feel "level" again.

In the final analysis I know I haven't always proceeded in the most eloquent fashion in the past year, but I have managed to make some much needed changes for the better in my life.

I finally feel like I am headed in the right direction after almost 14 years of searching for some answers to why my life exploded and I could not find the ground again.  I think I am finally starting to figure out some of the answers.


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this blog entry from the new home computer.  It has been a pain in my ass but the keyboard ROCKS!

Feeling Conflicted and Confused

Last week we fought.....a lot. Then we made up and really talked. When he is human, kind, vulnerable and open it confuses me and instills doubt.

I suppose that is his M.O. Keep me off balance.

BUT...what if....he really has seen the light and realized that he had it good and he should have been grateful? That I am a good catch that he should cherish and respect. What if he would be different.... better?

All I ever wanted was a happy marriage....a loving husband.....an intact family.

My attorney is ready to set the court date. She emailed me asking when I am available. I read the email and cried. Put the phone down and felt so horribly sad. I didn't email her back. It is too hard right now. I just cant do it. It feels like murder.

Why? Why do I feel like this? Why can't I just move forward?

I feel trapped. Like no matter how I proceed it is wrong. Ugh.

Still Thinking About the Girlfriend

I've spent the last couple of days trying to understand why the girlfriend bothers me. I don't think I am jealous... I don't feel like i don't want her to have him. I mean, she can have him.

I think it has more to do with the fact that he is pushing his responsibility for our daughter off on this poor unsuspecting woman.   I would prefer to have my STBX take care of our daughter when she is at his house, not this nice person who is trying hard to be a supportive and kind girlfriend.  I actually feel sorry for her.  She has not yet realize who she's dealing with and if he has his way she won't realize for a long time.

I mean let's be honest, this woman is around because my STBX needs sex and prefers to have help taking care of his daughter. It is not because he is having a real healthy relationship with her. I am 98% sure that he is incapable of a truly normal relationship. He operates in a world where other people are merely a means of acquiring what HE needs or wants and not truly valued in and of themselves. People are tools to him.

When I say she is caring for my daughter I mean he goes and does a race and leaves Beanie with Roslyn for the day or Roslyn is bathing her and doing her hair.  They made cupcakes together and string bracelets.

I am fully aware that I cannot control what he does when he has our daughter at his house. I accept that. I am also fairly confident that Roslyn is a decent person and is not necessarily a bad choice to care for Beanie. I think only good hearted, kind people actually stick around the STBX. I mean people that use people have to find nice people to use ....right?   Sad but true.

Still it is kind of irksome to realize that your daughter is being cared for by a person you don't even know, have never met and didn't choose.

In other news my new computer should arrive on Thursday. It will sure be nice to have a real keyboard again! Although I am dreading setting up the computer (also paying for it). I am headed out of town for the weekend so it might not actually get used for another week.

Girlfriend

Today I found out (for sure) that his girlfriend, Roslyn, is still around. This does not surprise me at all. I always suspected that the loss of the girlfriend was being milked for all its worth. No doubt they had a hickup which he dramatically tried to use to his benefit. He is just a shifty fucktard!!

I am actually kind of happy about it.... at least this way I know who I'm dealing with and we are not starting over with a new girl.

I should have known that the last few weeks of no contact (NC) were based on the fact that he was busy with her not that he was solely trying to avoid me.

Actually last weekend when he didn't stay at his parents house but pretended like he did, I assumed he was shacking with her for the night. I really don't understand why he feels the need to lie though. I really don't care where he is. I guess it's just a matter of him trying to pretend that he is broken hearted about us or something.

I am still kind of pissed that he's playing this off as I'm this cold hearted person that didn't want to reconcile and he begged me to come back. His attempts at saving our relationship were half hearted at best ....to alleviate some guilt I'm sure.

Another thing that is bothering me is the fact that he lies to our daughter about his relationship with Roslyn. He tells her that she is his friend and a girl ...not his girlfriend. He has made it a huge deal to emphasize this fact with our daudaughter. (Even though she is spending the night there frequently when our daughter is there.) I just don't like all the lies.

I'm quite honest with Beanie about my relationship with Kevin. I am happy that she sees me having a healthy relationship. I think that is good for her ....I think honesty is good for her. And he does not spend the night here when my daughter is here.

Let's recap ...just for my sanity. The girlfriend that he rushed with great enthusiasm to acquire, as fast as possible, when he found out I was leaving him is still around and yet I am somehow the asshole that broke his heart when I wouldn't come back when he begged me to during their first fight. He tried for a week or so to be real with me which was oh so hard on him. Hard to believe I didn't drop everything and come running to his open arms.

Poor him...I am so heartless!!

Man

I was just sitting here thinking....that I've never had a man in my life. I never had a father. Friss' dad was a punk. First husband was a man child. STBX is a self centered, shifty fucktard. Okay ...well... Rocko was a man, but he was only half in.

For the first time in my life I have a man, a real man in my life and it is so wonderful. I feel so lucky.

My new job is really coming together. I am starting to feel like I've got my feet under me and I know what I'm doing. It's just a matter of time to get it all in order. I like the people I work with. I love working at the nursery..it is like going to summer camp every day. Hopefully soon my office will be ready and I can start bringing my dog to work with me again.

If nothing else being successful at a new challenge has given me back some self confidence that I was lacking after 10 years of doing the same thing day in and day out for a boss that expected me to be nothing more than a yes man. Today my new boss and the second in comand, Sara, both told me I was doing a good job and catching on very quickly. I certainly appreciate positive feedback.

STBX isn't speaking to me these days which works out fine and is probably for the best.

Kevin recently bought a new road bike that is just beautiful and has really take to cycling. He is a natural on the bike and I am really enjoying watching him progress and flourish at this new hobby.

We are house shopping in our spare time as we have a very narrow range of what we want. Basically we want a house in the old part of town but we want a three car garage! We are willing to build a 2 car garage in the backyard of an older home that comes with a one car garage..if it's the right home.

In other news ..I am currently looking to buy Ramone a new car and then tell her that I will never buy her another one! She is working delivering pizzas and it basically ruined her vehicle....well that and the fact she takes after her father and trashes everything she owns.

I am still shopping for a new home computer. Doing these posts on my tablet is a flipping pain.

Love u all my bloggy friends!!!

Life is Good

This is the building I'm working in.

the desk on the right is my bosses and the table on the left is mine.

my office is not done yet but trust me it won't be much different.

So I am currently working on a card table in the corner of a shed preparing to input piles of sales slips for a small local nursery.  (Have I ever told you how much I dislike data entry? BORING!)

Not exactly where I thought I would be at 48 years old but you know what? I'm okay with it...... in fact I'm happy. No stress, I can come and go as I please, I'm not making a ton of money but I'm doing something helpful and it's okay for now.

I am a little worried that I will pull the stuff all together in a few months and work myself out of a job though.  The work is very easy but my predecessor let it get behind so it's kind of a mess at the moment.  Who knows maybe someday I can do consulting for a number of small businesses like this and actually make decent money.

 Meanwhile at my old employer things are heating up even worse and I am so glad to not be there. My poor assistant calls me daily to complain/vent and ask for advice.

STBX is currently being unpleasant, grumpy, and all those wonderful things that make me so sure I'm doing the right thing. Super glad I am NOT still dealing with him every day!

So life is a lot less complicated these days but still busy.  Overall I am very happy.  I feel peaceful and that is most important thing.

I am posting from my tablet... in the dark...in bed.   I'm sure it is not my best work. Not sure when I will get a computer at home or if I will use the one at work again. For now this will do.

from my tablet in the dark

Last Thursday at work Gail, my assistant Sherry and I almost all walked out! My boss, in his infinite wisdom, suddenly wanted me to hand off all of my duties to Gail, not Sherry. Well Gail has absolutely no clue what I do. She's not very good with computers and quite honestly is just not going to be capable of doing my job. My assistant on the other hand is partially cross trained already and has an Associates Degree in Accounting. We have always shared files so she knows a lot of what I do. For some reason my boss got it in his head that Sherry would be unreliable once I left. In the end Gail told him she wouldnt do it....he realized that he was creating more problems and he backed off. But still it was a mess. Very frustrating and pretty much ruined my day.

Last Monday was officiallymy last day. I left at noon because Beanie had her annual checkup....and well also because my giveashit was gone. At the end of the day Sherry called to let me know that she STILL didn't have funds to cover payroll! She was stressing out big time. I was sympathetic but really what could I do? I told her that I hope something miraculous might come in on Tuesday. ($$ has to be in the bank by close of business Tuesday in order to fund the direct deposits in time for Thursday payroll.)

On Tuesday they did manage to track down and go pick up a receivable check for 79 K.

Bean's checkup was great....she is a very healthy girl. And, goody goody, no more shots until she is 11! We also found out Monday that she is getting the teacher she was hoping for next year (1st grade) and one of her best friends is in her class. Kid was thrilled.

This week I went ahead and left her in day care so I could have a bit of a "stay-cation". I have been super busy doing all kinds of things but mainly focusing on getting a home office put together. By the way computer shopping sucks. Gosh it has been so nice to have time to do things that I just normaly never have time to do. For example Monday at 3 and Tuesday at 3 I went swimming with Meghan at the lake.....much needed training for my up and coming triathlon. Today I had lunch on the patio at a favorite local brew house with an old friend and I had Monster come over for dinner. Pretty much the only way I get to see him is if I offer him food. I ate too much today!

Tomorrow morning I'm going to go into the (old) office for a few hours and help everyone out and check my email to see what is still going to work that is actually personal. Also I will check for work issues on my email that needs to be handled. I am dreading it. I honestly don't like Gail and don't want to talk to her at all, ever! And she is expecting me to teach her something tomorrow. I really don't know where to start with her. There's just a huge chasm between the job I was doing and her knowledge / skill level. Like basic excel is hard for her and I use tons of formulas. At this point she is not expecting to learn my job but there are pieces of it that she is expecting to learn.

STBX husband has been pretty much no contact for the last few weeks. Wednesday morning we met and signed the refinance papers for selling him the house. I am very relieved to have this behind us. At the closing he did not speak to me or make any eye contact. Later he texted that he was just sad, but it doesn't feel like sad when you're sitting next to him... it feels mean. I guess he has the right to be mean. He frustrates me so...always has and always will. It really is a tragedy that he is incapable of communicating.