Getting a "Do Over"

After my melt down, I talked to JDK quite a bit.  I really don't remember all the details, all I know is it feels different somehow.  He is not fighting with me.  He is more patient and understanding.  He answers all my questions and is sharing his feelings.  He seems like a real person.  He is acting nice and caring.  It is confusing.

All I ever wanted was a happy family; a husband that loved and respected me.  He now tells me he would do anything to fix the past.  That he is sorry for all he did.  That he STILL very much loves me and wants his family back. 

Saturday I worked all day at The Construction Company and on the way home I figured I would swing by JDK's house and pick up Beanie.  I also hoped to visit a bit and soak up more of the "transformed" husband.

I have to be honest, hearing him tell me that he is grateful for things I did in the past and that he was an ass for not appreciating me is awesome.  For example, he told me that he didn't really understand how hard it was for me to take Beanie to work with me for the first two years of her life and he is sorry that he didn't recognize what a gift that was to him and her.   He says he misses my crazy skirts and me just being around the house, etc.  "The house is not a home without you."

On the drive over I called to be sure he was cool with me dropping by.  He said he would LOVE to see me but Roslyn was on her way so he could only visit for an hour or less.  (she lives out of town.) I was disappointed but stopped by for a brief time and then got me and my Beanie out of there before we had to come face to face with the girlfriend.  JDK seemed genuinely upset that he couldn't spend more time with me.

I think I am being selfish and eating cake at this point.  BUT HELL, after all these years of being treated like I suck it is nice to hear that he was wrong and I don't suck after all.  Also, I suppose there is a part of me that will always wonder "hey, if he were actually trying to be a good husband how would our lives have been different/ better?"  Really the only complaint I had about our marriage was that I didn't feel loved or wanted.  If that wasn't an issue maybe we would have both been fairly happy!?!?

I also think I am talking to him more because I need him to do something shitty or shady to reassure me that he hasn't really changed and that he is just putting on a show for some reason.  It is hard to tell what his motive really is at this point. I mean he seems to have nothing to gain if he is nice to me now since we are divorced and everything is divided up.

Speaking of changing.....we did talk about a time in the past when he changed.  Remember how he used to give me the "FUCK YOU" vibe and then quit?http://lifeistooshortandtoolong.blogspot.com/2012/05/realized-something.html
He told me that he recognized (back when he changed) that it was mean and unfair and decided to quit doing it.  That he consciously quit that nasty behavior.  See, he can change!

Last summer he basically proposed that we start dating in secret and not tell Kevin or Roslyn.  I told him that wouldn't work and I wouldn't do it.  After that he kind of left me alone.  Now he is telling me how all along he has wanted me back but he was trying to respect my decision and let me go off to lead a happier life. (See what a selfless giver he is?)  I told him I never felt he was really that upset and he says it was really hard for him to keep all his feelings in check.  I told him that sometimes sharing your feelings is not only ok but necessary.  I wonder, if he had really seemed hurt by our separation if I would have been able to consider not divorcing him?  I wonder if he was actually hurt and I just couldn't see it because I was so mad?  He thinks that is what happened.  I think he is still processing how this has all worked out and really wishing he hadn't pissed away his marriage.  I think, at first he was still trying to "win" so he rushed out and got a new girlfriend to prove to me and himself that I wasn't needed but now he has gotten past the need to win and is sorry.   I know he feels his time is about up if he wants to get me back.  He knows Kevin and I are shopping for houses and headed for marriage.

Ultimately I kind of feel sorry for him.  I think he regrets how he behaved and now it is too late to fix it.  He wants a "Do Over" and I just don't think I can give him one.  Although, at times I really wonder how I can move forward and never look back when I still have feeling for him and will always wonder if we could have made a go of it had he actually been trying.  It makes me feel that I am turning my back on the family I always dreamed of.

This morning after Roslyn left he texted me this:

Epiphany

For the last few weeks Husband has been talking to me.  He has been texting me and answering his phone when I call.  He has even called me just for the hell of it.  He has been emailing me a bunch.  I have to admit I like it.  I also find it confusing as I have stated in the last few posts about what is going on.

He is doing it because he hopes we will get back together.  But today it hit me, that is not my motive!!

I do like the idea of not being divorced.  I do like the thought of things working out between us and we are finally a happy married couple.  I also know that is NOT going to happen.  I have no doubt in my mind that we will get divorced sometime in the near future.  The fantasy is there but I know it is a fantasy.

Honestly, I don't want HIM...I really don't.  He is a liar and I would never feel safe with him.  I know this! 

I find myself wanting to stall the divorce though, not to reconcile, but just so he will keep talking to me.  It just hit me today that for 8 years he has shut me out and now, in the past few weeks he is actually talking to me.  Really talking to me.  Telling me all kinds of things about his feelings, our marriage, our past.  He is sharing himself with me for the first time in our relationship and I like it.  I have hungered for it....FOR YEARS.  I like hearing him say things that make sense to me and explain things that happened in the past. 

I feel like I am using him at this point.  I feel like I am betraying Kevin.  I want to stop but I feel so compelled to keep up the dialogue because it is so cathartic. 

Today he told me that he used to act "short" with me when I would return from home from a run on Sunday morning (years ago when I would rush home at 7 am in an attempt to not upset him) because he was jealous that I was out running and resented even watching our daughter for a few hours so I could exercise.  He told me he wasn't ready for fatherhood and really resented it for the longest time.  He held a grudge the whole time we were married feeling that I had forced him to be a parent when it wasn't what he wanted, so he was angry EVERY time he watched her!!

I knew this deep down but it was never discussed.  If I tried to discuss you know he was evasive or lied.  It is actually very selfish behavior and he should be ashamed.  On the other hand if you love someone you tell them things you are ashamed of.  Real relationship share the good, the bad and the ugly.  That is something he would never do.

I feel shitty but I think I may put off signing the papers for another week.  Just so he will keep talking to me a while longer.  Now that I have a better grasp on why I am doing it I don't think it will be so confusing.

Am I just being an asshole now?

Peace

Last night at a bit past 8 pm, Husband came over to talk about the papers.  There was a weird moment not too long after he arrived where he pulled out the papers, asked for a pen and acted like we were going have this super important business meeting.  Then, all of a sudden, he just set them down and said "I'll sign them".  And that was that.

Maybe he was giving up?  Maybe he had planned a big meeting and discussion and then decided he didn't have the energy for it?  Maybe it was some symbolic gesture he felt compelled to make?  It doesn't really matter.

Then we just sat there and talked until 10 pm when the time felt right and he left.  I don't remember a single thing we said but I know it was all good.  We exchange positive, loving feelings.  It was cathartic and we both needed it.  We held each other and it felt comforting. I think we have finally AGREED to start a new chapter in our lives.  It was like he finally decided I wasn't the enemy and he didn't have to "win".

We parted feeling satisfied if not happy.  We parted feeling a certain peace that this is where we both want to go next.  It was good and I am glad it happened.

He is Cracking

I received this email from my STBX today:

"I have always been lonely –since I was a little boy. The two ways of dealing with that are 1) need people less 2) bring people into your life. Needing people less is easy for me. Bringing people into my life is hard. The way we started our relationship made it that much harder to let you in. I know I have missed out on so much in life because I haven’t let people in. I don’t want to continue to live that way. I don’t want to be like my father. I want to be happy."

In the last two weeks I think he has finally reached some real "awakening" about what happened to our marriage and how he played a role in that. I feel good that this may actually end up making him a better person and a happier person.

I responded to the above email with this:
" This is the BEST thing I have ever heard you say!! Its HUGE!"

We went on to discuss how he wants me to be his REAL friend and help him in life. I told him that I would be happy to be his friend...that I have always wanted that. I reminded him that this does not mean I still want to be his wife.....too many trust and respect issues. But he seems to have accepted that the marriage is over which is good. He has now moved on to focusing on making his (our) future the best he can.

I have to say I am relieved that he is being such a big person and things are actually going smoothly at this point. I am still prepping to move out and although he is not HAPPY to see me go he has accepted it and is not being a jerk. I feel lucky.

Deer Hunting

I think it would be very good for me to blog daily. I need to set aside a time slot and just get things down on paper. I need to worry less about content and more about quantity. I can always review my notes later to extract what was actually important. But if I don’t write anything down then there is no record at all and right now there is so much going on that I really need to capture.

This morning I have been trying to get in touch with my feelings. At this point I just feel anger…loads of raging anger. Anger that I can’t really talk to my husband; anger that my boss won’t make real changes to our company so that it is no longer losing money; anger about what is happening to Friss; anger that I just feel overwhelmed almost all of the time.

I know that anger hurts only me. I get that. BUT how do I let go of it? How do I change my outlook?

I think my husband means well. I think he is pitiful and ridiculous but he IS trying to be nice. I wish I could be more open and accepting and patient with him. Instead my mind pretty much keeps thinking “after 7 years of this I am just so fucking over it! Why didn’t you give a shit a year ago?”

I know he senses me being more and more detached and it is concerning him so he is starting to be more interested in our relationship. Isn’t that how it goes? They perk up about the time you give up!

He was pissing me off this morning before the sun was even up!

For the last month of so my husband has been gearing up for deer season. He has lubed and sighted his riffle, de-scented his clothes, put out corn, checked his wildlife camera weekly, etc. etc. This morning I asked him what the schedule for this coming weekend is. I wanted to discuss what he needed and wanted to do this weekend regarding hunting and I had planned to ask him to set aside 2 hours of time for just me.

That’s right, overnight I decided I would just say “give me two hours”. I don’t want to have an activity planned I want to spend two hours just “being” together. No TV and no kid. She can go to a sitter, take a nap or watch a movie.  My logic is as follows…. If we set aside 2 hours a week to be together we will either get closer and things will improve or it will prove to me that we are out of options and I can “give up” with a clear conscience. In fact, if I know him, he will probably happily agree and then weasel out it.

Me: So what is the plan for the weekend?

Husband: Oh I don’t have any plans.

Me: what about deer hunting?

Husband: Well, I don’t need to go hunting. If you have stuff you need to do that is fine. (PA translation….I will behave like a door mat and give you the opportunity to put yourself before me so in the long run I can hold it over your head. I won’t address you as an equal adult or someone I want to spend my weekend with…no instead we will play this game.)

Me: so are you hoping a deer with throw itself on our porch?

I actually left the room at this point because I knew I would not be nice if I stayed.
After I calmed myself I returned.

Me: I thought you wanted to go hunting?

Husband: Yes I do.

Me: what time would you like to go?

Husband: before light.

Me: so is that like 3 am or 5 am? Can you be more specific?

Husband: I want to be in the deer stand by 5:30 am.

Me thinking to myself: Jesus Fuck why can’t you just say that!

Me: and when will you be done for the morning?

Husband: should be back by 9.

Me: and dusk….I assume if you don’t get one you will want to go out again at dusk?

Husband: yes

Me: so about 5:30 till 9 pm?

Husband: yes

UGH!! Why do I have to pry every damn word out of him!?!??

I want a healthy relationship with my significant other and I want it sooner than later. I cannot keep this crap up much longer. It is exhausting and I am tired of it.

I want to get back to where I was before my life exploded in 2001/2002 and feel like a regular person leading a normal life. I am soooo tired of feeling broken and “off track”.

I keep reading books; lots of really good books, by great authors with fantastic and relevant information in them. BUT I still don’t know how to take what I read and understand and agree with and make myself actually feel it, live it and do it. Like the whole anger thing. I don’t want to be angry. I realize it is counterproductive. BUT how do I stop????

Slow Progress

If I am to be 100% honest, husband and I are getting along better than we ever have. He is being more attentive and I am being more open and honest. I think he is too. I still don’t feel close to him. I am still trying to shake the past. I still don’t feel he is my “friend”. But I feel less like he is just a jerk and we put up with each other.

I told George that Husband was good while on vacation. He said that was great. I said but good means he didn’t give me the silent treatment or get grumpy. It means he wasn’t a total jerk. He was pleasant. But, when we went off together, he just tried to get sex from me and I tried to get him to talk to me and he just doesn’t converse. I get one word answers out of him or verbal grunts that say “I hear you”. I pretty much find it impossible to be friends with someone who doesn’t enjoy talking with me. To me that is a sign you are interested in someone…..you enjoy interacting with them (other than sex).

I swear when we were dating he wasn’t this way. I would have been totally bored with him. I would not have hung around him.

Last Friday night I was trying to tell Husband about the whole emotional abuse stuff. I was trying to share with him that I have figured some stuff out. This is stuff he should know if he has to live with me…for the rest of his life. I tried to explain and of course he took it all wrong and assumed I was saying I don’t trust him when I told him I always worry that our marriage won’t last because in my experience all the people I love leave me. My point was that I am insecure. He turned it into I don’t trust him. He was a dick after that so the conversation ended.

Saturday morning I did a rather long group bike ride and kept thinking about how I hate it when he assumes something and then tunes me out. Instead of us discussing his feeling and me clarifying what I meant and us both feeling the subject got fully and accurately communicated he just gets defensive and retreats into his happy place where he lives in his own head and ignores me.

So when I got home from the ride I walked in and told him this. “I know you misunderstood me last night and I really think we need to discuss it because it is really not necessary for you to be walking around here grumpy and quiet because you think I said something that I really never meant to say.” He then told me I had stopped the discussion not him. I reminded him that things were getting emotional so I said let’s just go to sleep because I have been told over and over again that I can’t talk to him if I am being emotional.

I stood there in the kitchen and told him that I NEED to be able to talk to him; that I can’t keep everything to myself just to make him happy. That our marriage CAN NOT work for me if we can’t be comfortable speaking freely with each other.

He said he was all for discussion as long as I keep it *positive*. I told him that I can’t promise that all marriage issues we need to discuss can be discussed in a “positive” way. And then I said “and it is not fair for you to tell me that you won’t talk to me unless it’s pleasant for you. Basically you are saying that our marriage is not as important to you as your own personal comfort at a particular moment. Life and marriage are not always fun or easy so you need to understand that if we are to have REAL relationship there will be some unpleasant conversations.”

Husband thought for a moment and then told me I was right. He seemed to really mean it. I think he has been better ever since. Yeah for progress.

Porn update:
Since he pitched the porn I have been really really trying to have more sex with him. At times it is hard for me because I feel used. I know he just NEEDS his “release”. But, at other times I feel more attracted to him and attractive in general knowing he hasn’t recently been whacking off to a naked stranger on a DVD.

Flea Update:
Their father paid to get the flea issue fixed.

He pitched the Porn!

So Wednesday I was kind of worked up so I started an email discussion with my husband about his basement activity:
Me: Why were you in the downstairs guest room?
Husband: So you just wanted me to admit it so you could make me feel bad about it? If you don’t like then we should be intimate more often.
Me: I have no issues with being intimate….I would rather appreciate a healthy love life and some good sex.
Husband: Sounds great! How do we do this?
Me: You masturbating in the basement does not further intimate relations!
Husband: I don’t enjoy having to slink off to the basement to take care of my needs.
I will demonstrate my commitment to team “last name” by throwing away all my videos tonight!

AND HE DID!!

Then yesterday I sent this email to him:

"I love you and I want to make love to you…..NO…with you.
But that involves (for me) kissing, hugging and cuddling.
Not just lip kissing but neck maybe ;)
So……let’s work on being more physically affectionate because that is what gets my motor revved up.
I want you to want me….but I don’t want you to “honk” my boobs…that’s not fun for me.
Act like you desire me (specifically) and that will make me feel loved.
Oh and…..nipples like attention too.
Also, I know you cringe when I say it….but we need to talk more.
We need to up our communication with each other.
I think there is a ton of “miscommunication” because we don’t talk enough.
Lastly....let’s try and do a better job of kissing and saying goodnight to each other.
Compliments are good too….and sarcasm gets old."

When I got home last night Beanie was in bed and as I was taking off my cycling clothes Husband put the moves on me and we had the best sex we have had in a long time.

And we did it again this morning.

I am so happy the porn is gone!

And, because he hates to talk and fears getting in an argument I think I will keep sending him little “love hints” via email once in a while. I think he wants to do the right thing but has a hard time knowing what that is. I don’t mind telling him what I think but he has never been very receptive before. This rather detached way of communicating seems to be working for now.

Does this make sense?

For years and years I so wanted Husband to let me in (to his heart).  For years and years I longed to be closer to him.  I put up with crazy things hoping that someday things would turn out fine.  And then I got tired of it and quit trying.  It was easier to just mentally walk away than to keep getting rejected.  At some point you turn off your feeling in a self preservation effort.  I finally gave up (in my heart) because I was just too tired and weary of the whole thing.  This was after we went to therapy together and it was such a flop.  After the Italy trip I just decided to live my life more on my own.

As one of my books says “I decided to get my needs met elsewhere”

And I really didn’t understand this until recently when he started putting forth the effort and I was at a loss to be appreciative and receive it.  I realize that now I am the one that is incapable of being intimate.  I have gotten so far away.  I just feel like we are strangers.

And as I lay there at night thinking I hate that we don’t cuddle…..I don’t really wish he would cuddle any more.  I am used to him not cuddling.  That is where my comfort is now.  I am in the habit of resenting his distance yet at the same time, I don’t think I really want it to change anymore.  Or at least I don’t feel excited about it changing.  It just feels wrong somehow.

To explaine in a different way: I knocked on the door and he would not open it for YEARS.  I patiently knocked on the door and desperately wanted him to open it…but he didn’t.   Finally, I gave up and sat down on the porch and said “FINE…I don’t want in your fucking house any more”.  At first I didn’t mean it, I was just frustrated but then I made new friends out on the street and I got used to being on that porch all on my own.  It became my place; my domain.  I no longer worried as much about getting in the door.  Sure I still thought it would be cool to get in but deep down inside I was over it. 

So now he opens the door and he says “come on in…it’s what you’ve always wanted!”  And I don’t feel like I want to any more.  I feel like it’s too late.  I feel like I have set up this whole life out on the porch and I can’t just ignore it because he finally decided to open the door. 

Besides I don’t know what it would be like in there.  I’m comfortable out here.

I don’t know if I can forgive him for not opening the door years ago.  Not just because it hurt me and upset me but because really, who the hell puts their pregnant girlfriend on the porch and doesn’t WANT them in the house.  That’s just ignorant shit to do to another person!

Maybe I just have a lot of hostility and once I get it out I can go through the door?

(George says I have to let go of the past and appreciate him for trying and realize that people change.)

It Should Not Be This Hard

This weekend my husband tried VERY hard to be sweet and nice and kind and do anything I wanted.  I realize this, appreciate it and it makes me happy to know that he IS trying.

BUT, at the same time we grated on each other’s nerves, disappointed each other, miscommunicated, annoyed and in general did not get along well.  It is SO frustrating that we are both trying and we both mean well and it still just doesn’t work out.

So then I wonder if there is no way we will ever be happy or even satisfied with each other.  Maybe, just maybe we will never get past the point of “not meshing well”. 

Who knows?

I wish I did.  I can’t stand the idea of getting divorced and I can’t stand the idea of living so uncomfortably for the foreseeable future.

He thinks I expect too much too fast….that I don’t have enough patience to let things change gradually and just be happy that they are improving at all.  And you know what?  He is RIGHT.  I am not a patient person.  I am frustrated.  I am tired.  I am worried that years and years will go by and I will wish I had not wasted years of my life on a relationship that will never work for me.

Another Good Weekend

It was raining and yucky Saturday morning but I got my butt out there (eventually) and hammered out my planned 13 mile run.  Those last two miles were pretty miserable because I haven’t run 13 miles since last September.

After the run I got home to find Husband had taken Beanie to the gym with him so I enjoyed the run of the house for at least an hour.  When they finally arrived, Husband was in a good mood and we chatted and hung out until I finally said “OMG we have got to take a nap” which was around 2 pm.  Later it occurred to me that he was fine with chilling in the kitchen because it was still raining.

After naps we all three went out to dinner and then went shopping for a patio dining set for our new front patio.  Daddy saw a cheap one at Menard’s he wanted to show me.  I told him I would rather find a nicer one then buy the cheap one and upgrade later.  After 3 stores we gave up the hunt until another day. 

Someone should buy me this set!!!

 

Saturday evening Husband and I had “adult” relations and it wasn’t so bad.  I wanted to relax and enjoy myself but I find I am still full of resentments and bad thought processes so I just tend to tense up and feel awkward.  At least I am aware of all this and working to get past it. I kept thinking he has been so sweet I should be more enthusiastic. 

Sunday morning I did my weekend chores and talked to Friss on the phone.   Then at noon Monster showed up to babysit and I went for a bike ride.  (Husband left for his bike ride around 11….No we don’t ride together because my 17 mph speed is too slow for him!)

I biked with my “boys” and although my legs were sore and tired from my long run, I managed to keep up and finish the 32 mile ride without too much embarrassment.   I was thrilled.

I enjoyed a post ride beer and chatting a bit before heading home where Monster was just leaving.  He wasn’t the least bit upset that he was stuck watching his sister at my house for almost 4 hours which made me feel good.   Husband had biked 75 miles and just beat me home!

Next I cleaned up and took Beanie to Wal-Mart to buy a few things and then we went by Uwe’s to help him order some eye glasses on line.  Something I am good at because I have to order them for Friss every few years.

At dark we headed home and Daddy was just coming in from mowing.  Beanie went right to bed because she never had a nap and I painted my toe nails.  I was wiped out from my busy weekend but still found it hard to sleep because I was so sore, my allergies were aggravated and I was hungry….still working on those last 5 pounds so I was at a calorie deficit for the day.

  

Fence Fighting (part 2)

So after work last night I was out back marking the corners where I plan to have the fence company add on to the back fence so the chickens aren’t living in a 10x10 cell.  I have a list of fence contractors I was planning on getting bids from and I wanted them to be able to come out, even if I wasn’t home, and take a look.

Husband came home and found me out back and muttered something negative.  I ignored him.

Then later in the kitchen he says to me “don’t phone the fence company…I can do that myself this weekend”.  I am sure he meant well when he said this but I was not happy.

I turned to him and I said “I know I am going to sound like a raving bitch but I just have to say this….if you can fix this up yourself in a weekend I am going to be super pissed off that I have waited 6 months!!”

I am pretty sure we exchanged a few more words but I was a bit too “hot” to even remember the details.  I do know that later in the evening I walked by him in the kitchen and he looked sad.  He was sitting at the table with his head hung.  I felt bad and wanted to comfort him.  I tried to hug him and he pushed me away.

I had had enough…I was done….I went to bed.  (In the past I would have cried myself to sleep or even lay awake because I was so upset but instead, I just passed out.  Is it progress that I just don’t care anymore?)

I woke up around 12:30 and realized he had come to bed which totally surprised me.  I thought he would sleep in the other room or worse yet, sneak out of the house like he did in February.  Is this progress?

I don’t even remember how I woke him up be we ended up talking. I told him that it was ridiculous that we can’t seem to communicate on even the most basic level.  That what he needs and wants in a relationship (distance & space) is the exact opposite of what I need and want (closeness & intimacy).  That I NEED to talk about things that bother me and I can’t keep holding it in forever just so he doesn’t have to be put off by the fact that I want to talk and it may not be fun.  I told him I am sick of trying to make things better in our relationship all by myself and doing everything his way.

I explained to him that normal couples get along, are happy and well adjusted most all of the time and periodically they hit a bump in the road and then they deal with it.  They discuss the issue and work out a mutually satisfying solution and then both feel better (satisfied) and move on with getting back to normal and happy.  This is how ALL of my pervious relationships worked.  He was quick to say “well if they were so great why aren’t you still with them?” 

Then, to be an equal smart ass I went on to tell him about why each of the 5 major relationships in my life had ended.  1) Ran off with the neighbor’s wife 2) would not commit 3) Complete opposite of me and we got to the point we hated each other.  4) dumped me for young blonde assistant 5) dumped me for much younger dark headed co-worker.  (Can you see why I believe most men will trade up if given the chance?)

Back to the real story…….I feel my marriage is normal and happy maybe 10% of the time.  I mean it’s not the norm it’s a treat when thing seam peaceful.  The norm is him being irritated by my presence and me being stifled and lonely so I don’t bother him too much. 

Here’s the thing….he thinks that living with another person is about putting up with them and making the best of having to deal with them in your space.  He doesn’t view it as something that even can be nice most of the time.  I now understand that a big reason he thinks that is because that is how his parents are.  They seem to put up with each other.  (They have been married for over 50 years!)  His father is quick to disappear and not say a word.  He often hides out so he can be alone.  They both spend hours reading or doing yard work to get away from each other.  I don’t think they even sleep together.  It’s really just sad and I don’t want to be like that. 

I quizzed him on how he shows me he loves me.  He used to tell me it was because he comes home.  I always say “you live here that is lame.” Now he has graduated to “I don’t cheat on you!”  I called bullshit real quick on that.  You see he has told me a hundred times that he would never cheat on me because he can barely stand trying to keep one girl happy why would he sign up to appease two.  (This is valid, he would NOT want to deal with a girlfriend and I know it.  It has nothing to do with respect for me it has to do with the fact that he is too selfish to give of himself to another person.)  He acknowledged that I was indeed right!

Another thing we discussed was the fact that he doesn’t NEED me for anything.  He doesn’t need hugs or someone to talk to.  He doesn’t even need me for sex…he has porn.  He told me he needs me to be our daughter’s mom.  No duh.  He says he needs me to teach him to be more loving.  He likes the fact that I have insisted he give me a kiss and say good bye when leaving.

He also told me we need to spend more time together.  We even discussed things we could do and I told him that me chasing him on a bike is not together time….it’s just irritating to me.  He promised we would start having dinner as a family at least once a week.  I am thrilled.  I hope it happens. 

The midnight talk was hard…but it seemed like we actually got somewhere.  I woke up this morning feeling MUCH better. 

It's Not All Doom and Gloom

Last night after work I took Beanie shopping for an Easter dress.  She loves to shop.  She is such a girly girl.  I still don’t know how that happened.  I am NOT girly.  I am the type that puts on a pair of earrings and then doesn’t change them for YEARS!

Anyhow…it was grueling.  We hiked all over the mall and she tried on many a frilly frock.  She loved every minute of it.  She even cried once when she had a crush on a particular dress but they didn’t have it in her size.  It was actually sweet because the melt down was short lived.

We finally left Dillard’s with a dress in her hands.  They bagged it on the hanger and she proudly carried it to the car.  She was just beaming and could not wait to get home and decide what accessories would go with it.

I was pooped when we got home but in a much better mood.  The kid can wear me out but she is also such a breath of fresh air in a world that is frequently just a letdown.  Five year old just have a zest for life you can’t beat.

Once home I opened a bottle of wine and sipped a glass while husband dutifully listened to his girls tell him about their shopping spree.  He was sweet and patient as we both yapped away, which made me feel better too.

I also vented to him a little bit…..about my bad mood.  (I don’t tell him it has anything to do with Rocco and that certainly is not the only thing getting me down.)  Husband listened and it was nice.  I keep telling him that he doesn’t have to fix anything….I just need someone to listen and not judge.  He even slept close to me last night.  I woke up feeling loved!

SO…..what was my deal yesterday? 

It’s a combination of things I am sure.  It’s never just one thing and generally it’s nothing new.  First, the weather is obviously not helping……..so tired of winter.  And my feet hurt ALL THE TIME, which gets very old.  Another contributor is lack of social life.  I haven’t seen much of my friends lately, for one reason or another.   This will improve when we finally get some biking weather however, some of my friends are just headed in different directions which is depressing.

Also I will probably be out of a job in the next year or so.  Our little construction company is headed into some tough times and I doubt we will make it.  I already decided that when things get ugly I am quitting.  I am not going to suffer.   I know I shouldn’t worry about any of it yet….but I also know, the back of my mind is already thinking “what the hell are you going to do when this job is over?”   In all honesty I am old and lazy and don’t want to work hard anymore.  Been there done that!  Now I am spoiled to a cushy well paying job.  I am so not looking forward to getting a REAL job!  And there is the whole issue of can I even find a decent new job in this small town we live in.

No wait…there’s more …….I am still battling my weight loss and lack of discipline.  I have NEVER had problems losing weight in the past.  I just decided to do it, ate less and there you go, back to normal weight.  This spring has been crazy, all I can figure is lately, food and wine is the only fun I have.  (Again, better weather will help.) 

Another thing that brings me down is my family.  Teenagers …you know how they can be.  And my parents, they play no role in my life.  (Tough words post on her mom got me thinking)  I am so jealous of the people who have a family to lean on when they need help.

AND I need to do a whole post on my meditation class…..

Sometime I just want to make up a new persona and a name and go become someone else.   I can’t run away from home can I?

He Doesn't Ignore Me

Last night around 4 am husband was wrestles and flopping around the bed and it woke me up.  I laid there awake for a moment and just as I was about to doze off again, he flopped around again.  (He shakes the bed so much I wonder how he does it.)

I finally asked him if he was OK or what was wrong or something like that.  He did not respond.  I wasn’t all the way awake, nor was he probably, but the fact that I got no answer rubbed me wrong and brought up an old familiar feeling.  You see, up until recently, he would routinely not respond to me when I asked him a question.  He would just pretend he did not hear me and not answer.  Then it was up to me to ask again.  Which I often did and often he still would not respond.  (I now understand that this is passive aggressive but it is still irritating none the less.)

You see for years he treated me like this and for years it pissed me off.  Just ignoring someone is rude and dismissive.  He basically treated me like I was not even worthy of an answer.  That he would rather not have anything to do with me at times so he would blatantly ignore me even when I addressed him directly.

Now, the fact that I took note that he did this is a good sign…..because he has not done this to me on purpose lately.  When did it stop exactly….. I am not sure but, as I lay there in bed I realized he no longer does this to me and I am really glad he does not.

We are making progress!   I guess I had kind of forgotten that he did it all the time because it had gone away. 

The point of all this is that, this time, I think he might have actually been sleeping and not really heard me but it gave me a chance to realize he no longer does this rude thing to me and that is a good thing and makes me happy.

On the other hand, is it any wonder that after 6 years of him treating me like that, I am not whole heartedly letting go of the past and viewing him as a great guy who is doing all the right things a husband should do even though lately he has been pretty great.

In other words, it’s going to take a few years of not treating me like crap before I really get over the past and believe in this change he is making.

We Did It

This morning all three of us piled in the car and drove the 3+ hours to pick up the puppy.  On the way back we stopped at a state park where there is an old burned down castle.  It was a much needed break from the car. 

On the way down, the 5 year old made it about an hour before she got ridiculously bored (despite all the toys she had in the back seat) and made the ride unpleasant.  On the way back, she had to hold the puppy.  Luckily the puppy didn't mind at all.

Puppy was asleep.

Best of all, Husband stayed calm and pleasant through the whole day ordeal.  I can't say we had fun, but I can say it went well considering we had 7 hours in the car with a 5 year old and an 8 week puppy to deal with.  Oh and the breeder lady turned out to be more shady than I thought....long story, but lets just say some odd things happened.

I really can't even begin to say how much I appreciated him driving and being so helpful.  I am so glad he is not being moody, negative and distant lately.  Of course, the minute we got home I told him to go do his own thing because I knew he needed some alone time being the Introvert and all.   He was more than happy to disappear.

Self Medicating

It was a long weekend.  I thought too much and I drank too much wine.  I drink wine so I don’t think too much but it only works to a certain extent.

When I was in therapy many years ago, one of the things the therapist asked me is what is it in life that makes me happy?  What is it that makes me feel my life is worth living?  I thought about it and come up with a few basic things.  First, traveling and having adventures.  I love to go new places and do new things.  I love to try each new restaurant at least once. I used to take 2 or 3 vacations a year and travel to San Francisco, Lake Tahoe, etc.   I love to learn new things too which generally only happens if you get out of the day to day routine.  I used to travel a lot with my previous job.  Often to Detroit which is not all that glamorous, but I did find a little Indian restaurant there one time that to this day I still recall with great fondness.

Another thing that is really important on my quality of life scale is friends and relationships.  I am sure it is more of a girl thing, but having great friends and sharing my time and life with them means so much to me.  I am not a loaner in life.  I need and want to have people around me to experience life with.  Companionship, to me, makes life abundantly more joyful.

But, now, I am married to a loner (or as he says an introvert) and I am lucky to travel once a year at most.  Partly because I have a small child and don’t really have a babysitter but also because Husband is not fond of travel so any place I may want to go would probably mean ditching him and that is often hard to do.

And, even more troubling is the fact that I don’t feel Husband and I are friends.  We don’t share and connect like friends do.  We live in the same house and communicate as needed but he is not someone I would turn to should I need a friendly ear.

This weekend, Husband was nice and he did try hard to be what he thinks I want in his continued effort to make me happy.  But, nothing really can turn a man that doesn’t need a hug into a man that hugs his wife with passion and desire.  He will hug me because he thinks he should, not because he WANTS or NEEDS to.  It’s as simple as that.  And I know the difference and the result is that his hugs are pretty empty to me.

But even more than not having those things in my life I am mad at myself for basically trapping myself in a situation that effectively limits my options to do the things I love and have the life I want.  I have backed myself into a corner and there is no one to blame but myself.

I do put partial blame on my Husband who, if you ask me, lied about who he was and what he wanted in life long enough to confuse me into thinking we had more in common than we do.  But really blaming him doesn’t make a difference or solve anything now does it.

So, as I am mulling all this over I stop to remind myself that I need to just be happy with what I have.  My life is pretty good compared to most.  It could be so much worse.  I should count my blessing and be happy.  Just be happy and life would be great.  Sitting around pining for a past life or a different life is just a freakin’ waste of time and energy.  It is pointless.

YET- I can’t seem to just be happy with what I have.  So then I spend some time trying to figure out how the hell I can learn to be happy with what I have and quit wanting something I most likely will never get.  I don’t have an answer to that.  Friss says I need to meditate.  I don’t doubt that might help a lot.  I also know that I have tried it before and I was not very good at it.  Friss cautioned me that it could take years before I see results.  I know changing your thoughts is not going to happen overnight.  Yet I never seem to get started on my “practice”.  I am planning to join a meditation group I found here in town next spring hopefully that will be a big help in getting me on track.

My husband says he is happy.  I think mostly he is and I am jealous.

Beanie's Birthday (part III)

GREAT NEWS....I survived the kids birthday party.

By nature, I am a closet organizer NOT a party organizer. I was stressed all week. 

I forgot important things...like to put the SD card in the camera.  I felt like I was being pulled in 5 directions at once.  BUT, the party was a hit, everyone had fun and I survived!!

Husband was there and did his best to be helpful.

Beanie (right) and her best friend.

There was a lot of running!

The cake was boring...but we ate it all.

The goofy glasses were a huge hit.

She had a great party and was very pleased.

Beanie Birthday (part II)

After school, we rushed to ballet / tap lessons like we always do.  While Beanie was in class I sat and chatted with Kalli’s mom Julie and had the best time. She is the librarian at the catholic school; super nice and friendly…so much fun.

After class Beanie and I headed to Yogoluv, a local ice cream shop, for a birthday treat.  Daddy was supposed to meet us there but we arrived early so to kill some time we phoned Grandma and Grandpa on the cell phone so they could say Happy Birthday. 

After Daddy showed up, Beanie selected lemon soft serve and then topped it with white chocolate chips and strawberries.  It was quite tasty.  My selection was not as good.  Daddy opted for nothing as usual.

After ice cream Beanie wanted to walk around downtown.  I was excited to do this because I only get down there once or twice a year so I am totally out of touch with what is really going on in our medium size town.  We have a thriving, funky little down town area that I used to enjoy often when Rocco was here to go with me.

After a few blocks she complained we were walking too straight.  So when we saw the alley that had been rehabbed we turned down that way.  I really wish I had taken my phone or camera so I would have some photos because they cleaned up the alley and put patios on the back of restaurants and even some new store fronts in.  It looks so nice, a little secret paradise. I kept expecting to smell a dumpster or urine but no, the place was very clean and pleasant.

By the time we got down the alley, Bean had decided that she was hungry and wanted dinner.  We said OK, let’s head home and eat.  Oh NO, that was not her plan she wanted to eat out.  Daddy and I had not mentally or financially prepared for this idea so we tried to talk her out of it.  Daddy offered her Chinese carry out and she said NO she wanted to sit in the restaurant and eat.  We asked her what she was in the mood for because we really didn’t know where to head.  She quickly replied “shrimp”.  Well rats, there is not many places in town to even get shrimp.  We offered to buy her some at the grocery store and she declined, she was bent on eating IN the restaurant.  Finally Daddy said lets go to the Greek place down the street and that seemed to please her.

She tried the cucumber sauce (Tzatziki) on a pita and also had some of the Tyropita after deciding it looked good in the display case.  She was not interested in our stuffed green pepper at all.   As we finished our meals it was obvious she was getting tired so we reminded her there were more gifts at home and she was happy to head that way.

Back home she opened the last of her gifts and then relaxed on the couch with her favorite movie that I bought her for her birthday.  At bed time she was out in no time.

So the day went great after the little bump at the start.  I thought about our fight all day and I know I over reacted.  I need to remain calm and discuss things rationally.  I had every right to be upset but no right to react in such an ugly way.  I know years of resentment are behind my overreactions but still they really don’t do any good for anyone so I need to stop.

Beanie's Birthday (part 1)

Today is Beanie’s birthday….she turns 5.  Husband and I have been busily putting together a birthday party for her this coming weekend and invited her whole class.  I am thrilled to report he has been very helpful.

Husband generally does not do gifts or birthdays well.  His parents were raised Mennonite and I think he has lingering issues that birthdays are selfish.

However, this year, for the first time ever, he actually purchased a gift for our daughter’s birthday.  This made me happy.  I am feeling more like he is involved and interested and not just leaving it all up to me.

(Although I do still feel that he has lots of free time and I am forever slammed with family responsibilities that he just ignores and to be honest I resent it.  Need to write a post on this.)

Last night, when I got home he showed me the gift; a white stuffed unicorn that she had admired one time when they were shopping together.  He was excited and so was I.  I told him I had wrapping paper and he said he didn’t want to wrap it that he would just give it to her in the morning before he left for the gym and work.

After everyone was asleep, I snuck and wrapped my presents (yes I am way behind in life at the moment) and while I was at it I put his present in a box and wrapped it too.  Kids would much rather unwrap gifts!

This morning, we awoke before the Bean and I told him I had wrapped the gift.  Thankfully he was ok with that.  Then I told him not to let her unwrap anything until I had my camera in hand.  I wanted to capture her birthday for Grandma and the blog, etc.  I had planned to give her one of my three gifts as well.  I envisioned all three of us sharing a few moments first thing in the morning celebrating her birthday before we all had to rush off to work and school.

I was in my bathroom getting ready for work as we both waited for her to wake up. I finally heard her little voice so I ran and got my camera and headed for the living room where she was parked in front of the TV drinking a glass of milk.  Husband stopped me in kitchen and said he was leaving and tried to give me a kiss good-bye.  Now I am confused….thought we were going to open gifts.  He says “oh I already gave it to her”.   I say “but I wanted to take photos?”  He responds “oh, I forgot” like it was no big deal.

“Fine! Leave!” I shouted at him and marched back into the bedroom totally hurt.  He went to his car and left.  I then texted him “photos aside, I would have liked to at least be included.  Feeling left out!”   He immediately phoned me and I was all worked up and hot.  I can’t remember exactly what I said but it involved calling him a selfish pig and me explaining that it sure would have been nice if we all three could have shared her birthday together and that my feelings were hurt.  He then says “I’m coming home to be there so we can share her opening your gift”.  I told him it was not necessary, that the mood had been ruined.

By the time he got back I had cooled off and we both watched as Beanie picked from my 3 gifts and opened one (saving the other two for tonight).  She was excited and I took my photos and it was really nice, just like I had imagined.  Daddy apologized and swore he was just excited and didn’t mean to be thoughtless, that he just couldn’t wait to see her excitement (wish I could have). 

In the end, we kissed and he left and I felt that it turned out OK…..better than it could of, that we at least discussed it instead of just bottling up more hostility and resentment.

I apologized for cussing him out and he said he really likes the gift I chose.  We were nice to each other and parted for the day on good terms and that felt good.