Kevin is always calm and always willing to talk. I really think I am just paranoid....and he is fine. I am still learning to trust that people can truly be nice to me and not be out to get me. For example when he doesn't answer the phone I still get a rather large panicky feeling that he is abandoning me but in reality (so far) the only reason he doesn’t answer is because he is on a business call.
When he asked me not to hang up on him he was making his needs and expectations clear. That is not a bad thing. It is a totally valid thing to ask for and he did it calmly and nicely (hugged me). Yes he was insistent but that is how he is. He is a manager of a number of branches for a roofing supply company and he speaks with authority in his voice. He comes from a place of confidence.
I interpret what he does through the eyes of an abused person. I think his point was simply that I shouldn't let STBXhusband get me so worked up. Kevin is right....I do spend too much time worrying about him and what is going on. It is co-dependent behavior. Something Kevin does NOT do. Kevin thinks I should have messaged him.....and left it at that. Then, if he didn't respond by 5, I take the kid home with me. Simple. Of course he is detached from the situation so it is easy for him to say. Also, his ex-wife was irresponsible so he got real used to dealing with these types of situations. He felt he was sharing his experience and knowledge with me. I am sure he had no idea why I was so pissed off by the whole thing.
I don’t think either one of us said we were sorry. I think we agreed that we didn’t really understand each other that night. Since then I have “let go” of my fear and mulled it over some more; hence this more comprehensive explanation. I really can’t think clear when I am in the middle of (not sure what to call it) my reaction to a trigger. My brain feels all tight, confused and negative. I don’t think it wore off until about noon on Tuesday! (This is another thing I am now more aware of………how these things linger and then after some time they lift away.)
The real issue that day stemmed from my reaction to him being assertive in a way that made me uncomfortable. I tend to feel trampled on too easily. In the past when this has happened I have said something to him and he does listen. I just didn’t have the right frame of mind last Monday. I was already off balance due to letting the STBX get under my skin.
I know it sounds corny but I am learning from Kevin. I like how he thinks and how he deals with the world and life. He knows how to ignore stupid BS and concentrate on what matters. He always tells me to focus on the future and what I need and what will make me happy. He really is my advocate.
Showing posts with label Codependent. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Codependent. Show all posts
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Kevin Triggers Me and the STBX Dissapears for Days
Two weekends ago STBX was out of town. I didn’t pay much attention to where or why he was gone overnight. I really didn’t even think about it.
This last weekend again, he said he needed to go out of town. This time he mentioned visiting his old college roommate. He requested that I get our daughter back early so he could leave sooner. I was gracious and picked her up an hour and half before I am normally scheduled to.
Sunday I texted him that I would be picking up our daughter from school on Monday (which usually is his night) to take her to get a haircut but then I would meet him at 5 pm to pass her to him. I asked him where he would like to meet. He lives a bit out of town and I thought it would be easier for both of us to just meet in town.
He never responded to the Sunday text and quite frankly I didn’t really notice or expect him to.
Monday I came into work and at some point remembered that we still needed to make arrangements so I sent an email to him at work. “Where do you want to meet @5?” This time I fully expected an answer since it was a weekday and he should be sitting at his desk; hours later I still had not heard from him so I texted him “you alive?” This usually gets him to respond but I got nothing.
Later I phoned his office and it was forwarded to his cell phone. He does this so his boss doesn’t know he is not in the office. I thought he may be home or he could still be out of town in which case he probably wasn’t at his old roommate’s house who has a wife and kid, but was instead visiting his old GF, you remember her, the one he was seeing when I was pregnant. It would explain why he was ignoring me. And I really don’t care if he is.
Around 3:30 I called again thinking by now he should be driving back to town if he was going to meet me at 5; still no answer. At this point I start to get worried; what if on Sunday afternoon he fell off the roof while cleaning out the gutters or chopped of his leg while chain sawing drunk? He has been known to get stupid drunk.
I called Kevin and left him a VM stating that if I still hadn’t heard from the STBXH by five p.m. I would drive out to his house to see if there was a body or any clues as to what the hell is going on.
While the kid was getting her hair cut I phoned husband and he finally answered. I was momentarily relieved he was not dead. (Mostly cause I didn’t feel like driving out to his house.) He said he just got back in town (he sounded kind of messed up)……..he said he didn’t have his phone or something that didn’t make much sense. I didn’t bother to analyze his story I just said where do you want to meet at 5? He said his office. I said I had stuff to put in his car and he needed to sign our taxes so that might not work (he parks in a garage blocks from his actual office.) He suggested he come to us at the hair salon. I said OK, I would text when we were about done.
By 4:30 we were done and STBXH’s office is only a couple of miles from the salon. I texted him and he acted confused about where to go; like asking me odd questions. I texted back more specific instructions. “Turn left at the Hardees and then right onto Burlington”
25 minutes later he STILL had not arrived so I phoned him…..he was lost…..up by my office…..didn’t know where he was supposed to go. WTH? This town is not that big and he has lived here for over 20 years. I was tired of waiting on him and running out of patience.
He finally showed up and I gave him the girl, her Easter clothes, her backpack for school, he signed the taxes. He seemed groggy or distracted. I wondered if he was on drugs. I left feeling extremely aggravated by the whole thing. Why the hell can’t people act like responsible grown-ups?!
No sooner than I got back in my car and down the street Kevin called. I told him I had passed the girl to the STBX but I was really aggravated by the whole deal. Kevin then starts to give me a lot of crap about how I am too fixated on what STBX is doing and will I ever let it go, etc. etc. I was already in a shitty mood and this just shot me over the edge. I told him that I thought the man might be dead and I really didn’t care where he was if he was alive. Kevin kept “pushing” his angle and I felt like my head was about to pop off. I told him we would have to discuss it later and hung up.
I seriously felt cornered like he was attacking me. He wasn’t yelling he was just talking over me and being insistent about his idea. Like he was right and I was wrong. I hate when people tell me why I am doing something….are they fucking mind readers. I wanted to calm down and get my head on straight before I continued my talk with Kevin about his perception of my *fixation* with the STBX.
And honestly, the fact that he triggered me was very upsetting to me. Instinct kicked in and I wanted to run and hide. I felt that I was suddenly his (verbal) punching bag and that my feeling didn’t matter to him. I felt like he was accusing me of caring too much for the STBX and I really do NOT care other than I want him to be a responsible co-parent for the next 12 years.
I drove home feeling a bit numb and knowing that Kevin would now be pissed that I hung up abruptly. Yet at the same time I knew I had done the right thing because when I get triggered I can lash out in fear without thinking and say things I really regret.
Back home I tried to call him and got no answer so I texted him that I was sorry to hang up abruptly but I NEEDED to end the conversation. He never responded.
I puttered around the house for a while and tried to relax. I know Kevin is not one to shut me out so I assumed he was busy. I did not head down the rabbit hole. I did actively try to feel mentally detached from it all though. I just blocked it all out of my mind and focused on some reading and light house work. Kevin finally called to ask if I was coming over and acted like nothing had happened. I said I would be over as planned but then took my time getting ready. I was still unsure of what exactly I would say, what my complaint was, what EXACTLY set me off, how to handle it all. I just knew it was all not sitting well.
As soon as I walked in his house he gave me a big hug and said “let’s be clear on this you will never hang up on me again OK?” I reluctantly agreed and thought to myself “I will hang up if I want to asshole”
Then I sat there next to him on the couch in silence as my mind teamed with thoughts of how selfish everyone is and how I feel like I just have to put up with it. Why doesn’t he care that I was upset? Why doesn’t he want to discuss the issue? Why does he just order me around? Am I just starting down the path to where he will lose respect for me and I will become his doormat? Why can’t I say the right thing at the right time? I hate being broken.
The night drug on and the conversation was not terribly productive. He could see no reason why I would be upset with him. He felt he was sharing his opinion and I should be open to it. He told me I was always trying to figure out what STBX is doing and why; and at this point it was none of my business. That there should not have been any issue until he didn’t show up at 5 and that I should have waited until then to even bother to contact him.
I asked Kevin why he was so upset about it….was he jealous or something. He told me that he just didn’t understand why I was involved. If he didn’t show up for work it was not my problem, etc.
I was struggling with what to say. I told Kevin that I felt he was not listening to me. I explained to him that if the man was dead it would surely be my problem to deal with. I explained that husband has never just vanished for a few days like that. I told Kevin that he was being too pushy and demanding on the phone. He again did not see it my way. At one point I got sassy and said “yes you are right I will forever be wondering how he is and where he is, it will be lives passion to follow him around. Does that make you feel better?”
He snapped at me that he will just keep his mouth shut from now on since I don’t like to hear his opinions.
At one point I was so frustrated I told him that we were not enjoying each other’s company so maybe I should just go home. I was relieved when he did NOT think that was a good idea.
He agreed to disagree.
Finally I explained that I didn’t want to lose myself and I didn’t want him to force me to shut up and keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. That I was taught to “stuff it down” my whole life and I am trying very hard to have a voice from now on. He listened to me go on for a while but he never really commented….but he listened. Maybe some of this stuff is just too far *out there* for him to really understand where I am coming from. He was raised by supportive, decent people and he is a very confident and secure man. He is very good at knowing what he wants and needs and asking for it.
Soon after that he took my hand and said “let’s go to bed”. In bed he cuddled me up close, told me how much he loves me and we fell asleep. I really don’t think he is a selfish bastard. I do think it is hard for me to understand and calmly explain why I get set off at times.
At the end of the day I know he loves me and he is willing to work on *US* and he is willing to sit for 2 hours on the couch and go round and round about something like this until we both feel some sense of closure. It wasn’t fun…..but it is what people in love need to do to stay close and feel accepted.
_________________
update: Today after a few emails with the STBX (I asked why he was so out of it because I do believe if he is getting our daughter I have the right to expect him to be coherent) and he told me that he was mugged and that is why he unexpectedly missed work, did not have his phone and did not get any sleep. I didn't ask for details....it all sounds too fishy to care.
PS - I guess I won't share that with Kevin. :(
This last weekend again, he said he needed to go out of town. This time he mentioned visiting his old college roommate. He requested that I get our daughter back early so he could leave sooner. I was gracious and picked her up an hour and half before I am normally scheduled to.
Sunday I texted him that I would be picking up our daughter from school on Monday (which usually is his night) to take her to get a haircut but then I would meet him at 5 pm to pass her to him. I asked him where he would like to meet. He lives a bit out of town and I thought it would be easier for both of us to just meet in town.
He never responded to the Sunday text and quite frankly I didn’t really notice or expect him to.
Monday I came into work and at some point remembered that we still needed to make arrangements so I sent an email to him at work. “Where do you want to meet @5?” This time I fully expected an answer since it was a weekday and he should be sitting at his desk; hours later I still had not heard from him so I texted him “you alive?” This usually gets him to respond but I got nothing.
Later I phoned his office and it was forwarded to his cell phone. He does this so his boss doesn’t know he is not in the office. I thought he may be home or he could still be out of town in which case he probably wasn’t at his old roommate’s house who has a wife and kid, but was instead visiting his old GF, you remember her, the one he was seeing when I was pregnant. It would explain why he was ignoring me. And I really don’t care if he is.
Around 3:30 I called again thinking by now he should be driving back to town if he was going to meet me at 5; still no answer. At this point I start to get worried; what if on Sunday afternoon he fell off the roof while cleaning out the gutters or chopped of his leg while chain sawing drunk? He has been known to get stupid drunk.
I called Kevin and left him a VM stating that if I still hadn’t heard from the STBXH by five p.m. I would drive out to his house to see if there was a body or any clues as to what the hell is going on.
While the kid was getting her hair cut I phoned husband and he finally answered. I was momentarily relieved he was not dead. (Mostly cause I didn’t feel like driving out to his house.) He said he just got back in town (he sounded kind of messed up)……..he said he didn’t have his phone or something that didn’t make much sense. I didn’t bother to analyze his story I just said where do you want to meet at 5? He said his office. I said I had stuff to put in his car and he needed to sign our taxes so that might not work (he parks in a garage blocks from his actual office.) He suggested he come to us at the hair salon. I said OK, I would text when we were about done.
By 4:30 we were done and STBXH’s office is only a couple of miles from the salon. I texted him and he acted confused about where to go; like asking me odd questions. I texted back more specific instructions. “Turn left at the Hardees and then right onto Burlington”
25 minutes later he STILL had not arrived so I phoned him…..he was lost…..up by my office…..didn’t know where he was supposed to go. WTH? This town is not that big and he has lived here for over 20 years. I was tired of waiting on him and running out of patience.
He finally showed up and I gave him the girl, her Easter clothes, her backpack for school, he signed the taxes. He seemed groggy or distracted. I wondered if he was on drugs. I left feeling extremely aggravated by the whole thing. Why the hell can’t people act like responsible grown-ups?!
No sooner than I got back in my car and down the street Kevin called. I told him I had passed the girl to the STBX but I was really aggravated by the whole deal. Kevin then starts to give me a lot of crap about how I am too fixated on what STBX is doing and will I ever let it go, etc. etc. I was already in a shitty mood and this just shot me over the edge. I told him that I thought the man might be dead and I really didn’t care where he was if he was alive. Kevin kept “pushing” his angle and I felt like my head was about to pop off. I told him we would have to discuss it later and hung up.
I seriously felt cornered like he was attacking me. He wasn’t yelling he was just talking over me and being insistent about his idea. Like he was right and I was wrong. I hate when people tell me why I am doing something….are they fucking mind readers. I wanted to calm down and get my head on straight before I continued my talk with Kevin about his perception of my *fixation* with the STBX.
And honestly, the fact that he triggered me was very upsetting to me. Instinct kicked in and I wanted to run and hide. I felt that I was suddenly his (verbal) punching bag and that my feeling didn’t matter to him. I felt like he was accusing me of caring too much for the STBX and I really do NOT care other than I want him to be a responsible co-parent for the next 12 years.
I drove home feeling a bit numb and knowing that Kevin would now be pissed that I hung up abruptly. Yet at the same time I knew I had done the right thing because when I get triggered I can lash out in fear without thinking and say things I really regret.
Back home I tried to call him and got no answer so I texted him that I was sorry to hang up abruptly but I NEEDED to end the conversation. He never responded.
I puttered around the house for a while and tried to relax. I know Kevin is not one to shut me out so I assumed he was busy. I did not head down the rabbit hole. I did actively try to feel mentally detached from it all though. I just blocked it all out of my mind and focused on some reading and light house work. Kevin finally called to ask if I was coming over and acted like nothing had happened. I said I would be over as planned but then took my time getting ready. I was still unsure of what exactly I would say, what my complaint was, what EXACTLY set me off, how to handle it all. I just knew it was all not sitting well.
As soon as I walked in his house he gave me a big hug and said “let’s be clear on this you will never hang up on me again OK?” I reluctantly agreed and thought to myself “I will hang up if I want to asshole”
Then I sat there next to him on the couch in silence as my mind teamed with thoughts of how selfish everyone is and how I feel like I just have to put up with it. Why doesn’t he care that I was upset? Why doesn’t he want to discuss the issue? Why does he just order me around? Am I just starting down the path to where he will lose respect for me and I will become his doormat? Why can’t I say the right thing at the right time? I hate being broken.
The night drug on and the conversation was not terribly productive. He could see no reason why I would be upset with him. He felt he was sharing his opinion and I should be open to it. He told me I was always trying to figure out what STBX is doing and why; and at this point it was none of my business. That there should not have been any issue until he didn’t show up at 5 and that I should have waited until then to even bother to contact him.
I asked Kevin why he was so upset about it….was he jealous or something. He told me that he just didn’t understand why I was involved. If he didn’t show up for work it was not my problem, etc.
I was struggling with what to say. I told Kevin that I felt he was not listening to me. I explained to him that if the man was dead it would surely be my problem to deal with. I explained that husband has never just vanished for a few days like that. I told Kevin that he was being too pushy and demanding on the phone. He again did not see it my way. At one point I got sassy and said “yes you are right I will forever be wondering how he is and where he is, it will be lives passion to follow him around. Does that make you feel better?”
He snapped at me that he will just keep his mouth shut from now on since I don’t like to hear his opinions.
At one point I was so frustrated I told him that we were not enjoying each other’s company so maybe I should just go home. I was relieved when he did NOT think that was a good idea.
He agreed to disagree.
Finally I explained that I didn’t want to lose myself and I didn’t want him to force me to shut up and keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. That I was taught to “stuff it down” my whole life and I am trying very hard to have a voice from now on. He listened to me go on for a while but he never really commented….but he listened. Maybe some of this stuff is just too far *out there* for him to really understand where I am coming from. He was raised by supportive, decent people and he is a very confident and secure man. He is very good at knowing what he wants and needs and asking for it.
Soon after that he took my hand and said “let’s go to bed”. In bed he cuddled me up close, told me how much he loves me and we fell asleep. I really don’t think he is a selfish bastard. I do think it is hard for me to understand and calmly explain why I get set off at times.
At the end of the day I know he loves me and he is willing to work on *US* and he is willing to sit for 2 hours on the couch and go round and round about something like this until we both feel some sense of closure. It wasn’t fun…..but it is what people in love need to do to stay close and feel accepted.
_________________
update: Today after a few emails with the STBX (I asked why he was so out of it because I do believe if he is getting our daughter I have the right to expect him to be coherent) and he told me that he was mugged and that is why he unexpectedly missed work, did not have his phone and did not get any sleep. I didn't ask for details....it all sounds too fishy to care.
PS - I guess I won't share that with Kevin. :(
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Know Me
Yesterday it came to my attention that my husband doesn’t know me at all. I know it sounds crazy to say, but it’s true. Now of course we have been together for over 7 years so he knows what I look like and most of my habits and my phone number, etc. BUT he doesn’t really know me on an intimate/personal level at all. AND I guess I always knew that but I never really thought about it until yesterday.
This man had a child with me, lived with me, married me and yet never had a desire to really get to know me. How fucked up is that!?!?!
The more I step out and look back at all this the more I can put together the picture of what was REALLY happening. He was satisfied to have me around because I was easy. I paid my fair share (sometimes more); I took good care of our daughter and house. I didn’t cause him too much grief. I gave him regular sex for most of the years we were together. So basically if he wasn’t pining for a real relationship (which I think just stress him out - remember he has NO friends) our situation was ideal for him. He got all the benefits of being married but none of the downside; you know the part where feel responsible for the emotional wellbeing of your wife.
Hell, the only time he ever seemed unhappy was when I tried to levy some expectations on him or expected him to interact with me on a non-superficial level. Other than that he was perfectly happy.
And yes, I know that I let him get away with that. This is where my upbringing comes into play. This is what happens when your parents teach you to shut up and eat shit sandwiches. You grow up and eat them for your unloving husband because you are trying your damndest to keep everyone happy and together even if it is at your own emotional expense. I have been trained to be a doormat. Sad isn’t it?
Interestingly enough, KP sees this in me and always calls me out on it. EVEN WITH HIM. He taught his daughter to be a strong woman. His parents taught him to be a strong man. He pushes me to be strong too and I love him for that. I can’t tell you how many times I say things like “I am sorry” and he says “I don’t want you to be sorry, I want you to stand up for yourself and make good decisions and then stand by them.” (in other words don’t kiss my ass woman, do what is best for you because I respect you)
That’s it really, he respects me. Husband NEVER has.
**********
Another idea that keeps flopping around in mind; husband said, more than once, since this divorce stuff started that he is “jealous that I have someone”. So I ask you this….if this man actually loved me wouldn’t he be jealous that another man has me? Wouldn’t he be sad that he is losing his wife? But instead he is just pouting that he doesn’t have someone too!!
This is the kind of shit I would have “spackled” for him in the past. I would have thought oh he just doesn’t express himself well, or I took him wrong, or I read too much into stuff he says….BUT not anymore. Truth of the matter is that if you listed with your heart and your instincts they are screaming the truth at you. I am sure that is why I have spent so much time over the last 7 years feeling lost, hurt and crazy. I wasn’t listening to those voices, the ones that were looking out for my best interests.
***************
This morning husband told me he didn’t sleep AT ALL last night and when I asked why he said he would email me. This makes me nervous! So now I sit here at my desk trying to work but too distracted because I am just waiting to find out what the hell has him “worked up”.
He still scares me because I still feel like I don’t really know what he might do next. There is just no peace for me until he is no longer in a position to mess me up. It’s too much like tip toeing around my dad waiting for his next blow up. Inconsistent people scare me and my husband is one of the most inconsistent people I know.
This man had a child with me, lived with me, married me and yet never had a desire to really get to know me. How fucked up is that!?!?!
The more I step out and look back at all this the more I can put together the picture of what was REALLY happening. He was satisfied to have me around because I was easy. I paid my fair share (sometimes more); I took good care of our daughter and house. I didn’t cause him too much grief. I gave him regular sex for most of the years we were together. So basically if he wasn’t pining for a real relationship (which I think just stress him out - remember he has NO friends) our situation was ideal for him. He got all the benefits of being married but none of the downside; you know the part where feel responsible for the emotional wellbeing of your wife.
Hell, the only time he ever seemed unhappy was when I tried to levy some expectations on him or expected him to interact with me on a non-superficial level. Other than that he was perfectly happy.
And yes, I know that I let him get away with that. This is where my upbringing comes into play. This is what happens when your parents teach you to shut up and eat shit sandwiches. You grow up and eat them for your unloving husband because you are trying your damndest to keep everyone happy and together even if it is at your own emotional expense. I have been trained to be a doormat. Sad isn’t it?
Interestingly enough, KP sees this in me and always calls me out on it. EVEN WITH HIM. He taught his daughter to be a strong woman. His parents taught him to be a strong man. He pushes me to be strong too and I love him for that. I can’t tell you how many times I say things like “I am sorry” and he says “I don’t want you to be sorry, I want you to stand up for yourself and make good decisions and then stand by them.” (in other words don’t kiss my ass woman, do what is best for you because I respect you)
That’s it really, he respects me. Husband NEVER has.
**********
Another idea that keeps flopping around in mind; husband said, more than once, since this divorce stuff started that he is “jealous that I have someone”. So I ask you this….if this man actually loved me wouldn’t he be jealous that another man has me? Wouldn’t he be sad that he is losing his wife? But instead he is just pouting that he doesn’t have someone too!!
This is the kind of shit I would have “spackled” for him in the past. I would have thought oh he just doesn’t express himself well, or I took him wrong, or I read too much into stuff he says….BUT not anymore. Truth of the matter is that if you listed with your heart and your instincts they are screaming the truth at you. I am sure that is why I have spent so much time over the last 7 years feeling lost, hurt and crazy. I wasn’t listening to those voices, the ones that were looking out for my best interests.
***************
This morning husband told me he didn’t sleep AT ALL last night and when I asked why he said he would email me. This makes me nervous! So now I sit here at my desk trying to work but too distracted because I am just waiting to find out what the hell has him “worked up”.
He still scares me because I still feel like I don’t really know what he might do next. There is just no peace for me until he is no longer in a position to mess me up. It’s too much like tip toeing around my dad waiting for his next blow up. Inconsistent people scare me and my husband is one of the most inconsistent people I know.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
You Make The Call
Last weekend we received an acceptance letter from the private school we want our daughter to go to next year. The letter stated that if we wanted the coveted spot they were offering us we needed to sign the letter and return a $500 deposit by Friday 4-26-13.
My husband owes me $350 for paying our tax bill last week so I handed him the letter and said “why don’t you pay the $500 since you owe me money.” I signed the letter and showed him that he needed to sign it and return it by Friday.
Last night (Tuesday) he got home from work and told me that he is slammed at work with a big project and that he might have to work until midnight tonight (Wednesday).
Later in the evening I thought to ask if he had mailed the money and acceptance letter yet. He said NO so I told him to give it back to me that I could take care of it since his work is so busy. He told me it was at the office or he would. I offered to come pick it up. I also told him I wanted a copy of it so this would give me a chance to do that as well. I told him I would just run it up to the school and pay them in person so we could just know it was done. (I like having stuff done and not hanging out on my TO-DO list.)
He said he would take care of it on Thursday so I didn’t need to do anything. I pointed out that the letter clearly stated they needed it by Friday and what if the USPS didn’t deliver it over night. He replied “it just has to be postmarked by Friday…right?” I told him I didn’t know the rules and I didn’t want to test his theory so I would just come get the letter.
He then said he could scan if for me and I would not need to make a copy. I told him it was not necessary. If he was so busy at work just sign it and give it back to me and don’t worry.
He seemed to want to argue about it somehow. No doubt he felt I gave him a task and taking it back somehow doubted his ability. BUT that is not the case. I am just trying help. He said he was crazy busy at work.
So here is the question: Am I being co dependent by trying to save him the effort? Am I just being a control freak because I will feel better knowing it is done? Or, am I just being a responsible adult and considerate wife by offering to do this thing for him when he is, by his own statement, super busy?
And why can’t he just say thank you honey and give it to me and be happy that when he is swamped I help out?
Friday, April 19, 2013
2 am Potty Break and a Revelation!
Last night Husband came home and was rather quiet and “injured” acting. My first thought was to ignore his “vibe” and see if it passed so I talked to him about the necessary events of the day and the normal stuff. Eventually I asked him if he was OK and he said he was depressed……or sad. I asked why and he said he wasn’t sure. I told him I was willing to talk if he wanted, but he did not. I told him I felt for him and if he needed anything I was here for him.
THEN I PROMPTLY PUT IT OUT OF MY HEAD!
I had offered my assistance and that is all I should do. His emotional state is not my problem. This is GOOD for me. I am being very conscious about my thought process. I still had a tinge of disappointment but overall I went about my evening without his mood affecting me. (I am feeling strong at the moment and I know I won’t be this good all the time but last night I did well.)
Later, when I was sleeping, it was around 2 am, he rolled around and lurched so hard that the bed shook violently and it scared me. I awoke in a fright. It took me a moment to realize what had happened. I assumed that he wanted to wake me because I was snoring. (Sad reality, we all snore as we get older….even if not overweight.)
I asked him if I was snoring and he said “yes”. I then calmly told him that he had scared me and that if he wanted to wake me he should just talk to me rather than lurching the whole bed. He said he wasn’t awake and didn’t mean to wake me; that he lurched in his sleep rather than doing it intentionally. I was confused at this point and started to dwell on what he was thinking……or feeling. Was he upset with me? Was he telling the truth? He was silent and offered no other information meanwhile I tried to think my way into his head.
I then got up to go pee and as I sat there I realized….I spend a LARGE amount of time thinking and worrying about how others feel. Now this may seem obvious in a way but this realization was not that I have genuine concern for others feelings; it was that I am completely out of line with the amount of time I spend thinking about how HE feels; trying to make sense of it, rationalize it, anticipate it, control it and even judge it. I let my perception of his feelings rule my life. And it is just wrong.
I do it because I care, but it is not the right way to care. I had started to over think this whole lurching incident but I caught myself doing it. I actually felt it….I knew it….I understood it. Not just in my head but “emotionally” I felt it. Like a real shift in my thinking.
I do it because I care, but it is not the right way to care. I had started to over think this whole lurching incident but I caught myself doing it. I actually felt it….I knew it….I understood it. Not just in my head but “emotionally” I felt it. Like a real shift in my thinking.
I need to stay out of other people’s heads!
I wanted to bolt from the toilet and shriek with joy and tell him all about it but instead I went back to bed and tried to linger on the idea so it would sink in good and I could still access it come morning.
I can NOT wait to tell George. He will get it. Most people won’t get it but he will. Some of you will. I mean really…..don’t we all spend way too much time worrying about how others feel and not enough time minding our own business.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
George & Self Care
I had the best session with George today. I think we are finally, really, getting to the heart of things. You see, my husband isn’t the problem….I am. And I know that. I have always known that. I mean he makes it more difficult on me for a multitude of reasons, but most of the issues I have are issues that “I” have and “I” need to resolve. I am the one that is dissatisfied and I have not really felt happy or normal in years. Not since Rocco left. So I know that I have issues that need to be corrected. Honestly I have been working on this for over 10 years now!
We talked about my family history, how my parents discounted my feelings when I was a child. They really believed kids were not full people somehow…that our feeling didn’t count. We discussed many of the problems I am grappling with regarding my kids, my ex husband and other relationships. I told him how I feel the co-dependent stuff relates to me. (read in this post)
He told me that I am a people pleaser; that I try to keep the peace. (Funny thing is I kind of knew that but had not recently thought about it.) That I have been taught since I was a child to put my own needs aside and take care of others. This is true. I do try to take care of others. I find my self-worth in feeling needed. My parents were very conditional with their love and I was expected to be a good girl and earn any love or attention I received.
But it also seems confusing because people seem to be mad at me all the time. So I don’t feel like my attempts to keep everyone happy are working at all. If anything it seems like nobody likes me at all. (and yes, I understand that is the point.....that my way is NOT working.)
At the end of the day I feel used and abused. Like my family, friends or lover suck me dry. They take from me until I resent it. I don’t know how to have a healthy give and take. I don’t know how to get my emotional needs met. I guess I got lucky because Rocco seemed to know what I needed and give it to me? I never felt like he sucked me dry.
So the goal then is to start taking better care of myself and getting my emotional needs met. Sounds simple enough…………
But then I told George; maybe I don’t really understand what I need nor have any clue about how to get it. I told George that on an intellectual level I get all this stuff…it makes sense. I agree. But in practice …day to day living…I still have absolutely no idea HOW to change.
He told me that we naturally revert to our habits….that in times of crisis we go with instinct. Basically: “The power of being emotionally stuck is far greater than the power of reason.” << Snagged that one from my book.
He told me don’t be more selfish but have more self care. I like that. NOW, we just have to figure out how to actually DO it.
(this is the closest a therapist has EVER gotten to what is really the core issue with me....I just know we are on to something and I am beyond thrilled.)
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Codependent
A couple of days ago I purchased a copy of “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie. This book is considered a classic and although I have read about codependency before, I have NOT read this book and George recomended it.
My thoughts (about ¼ of the way through the book.) :
My father was an alcoholic (binge drinker) and I know that we grew up in a house with a messed up balance of power. My father terrorized us; we all walked on egg shells.
I certainly don’t think I am a huge co-dependent type person compared to some of the examples in the book. Seriously if my husband didn’t go to work and just stayed home drunk all day I wouldn’t think twice about dumping him. Hell I dumped the X-husband because he was pretty much useless to me and he had a decent job.
But, still many things about this book ring true to me. I do like to help others….maybe too much. I am too quick to fix things for my kids and I certainly baby my X-husband more than I probably should.
I do feel used and resentful at times that I give too much and get very little in return. It's like I don't really WANT to take care of others...but I don't know any other way to be.
I feel guilty when I do things for myself. I feel guilty for every single thing I do for myself. I still do them though…some of them. Like make time to run. But I always hesitate to ask for time to bike. That takes longer.
When Beanie was a baby I let my husband “push” all the work on me. (See codependent - Let me try again.) When Beanie was a baby I did way more than my fair share and didn’t ask for help as much as I should have. I resented my husband for this and that was not really his fault….it was mine! I should have asked for more help.
The book talks about attachment. I think I attach too much. I put too much of my self-worth in other. In what they think of me and how they treat me. I let them have control over my feelings.
I can’t wait to talk to George about all this stuff tomorrow and see what he thinks.
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