WIN WIN

I asked my boss if he would keep me on the health insurance in exchange for some me doing a few days a month "consulting" for him.  He agreed!!

So he won't be completely screwed by me leaving (which makes me feel much better about it) AND I will still have the same health insurance. 

Everyone is happy!

12 Symptoms of Spiritual Awakening

GREAT WEEKEND

Saturday morning I did my long run with Stina. We don’t run together very often these days so it was a special treat to catch up with her. My run was pretty good but I required 2 bathroom breaks thanks to my over indulgence in a) rice and beans b) green beans and veggie burgers and c) kale salad. TOO MUCH FIBER!

After my run I enjoyed doing my chores and running some errands unencumbered by a child or anyone else. It was pleasant.

Then I dug out some blue jeans so I could go for a motorcycle ride; which reminds me I really need to buy some Harley Davidson stock. They have got to be making a fortune given how overpriced ALL their merchandise is and how loyal their customer base is.

Kev and I met Danny and Sally at 12:30 and headed to a “Frogs and Hogs” bike rally located in a small town that is a 45 minute scenic ride from home. It was 75 degrees and partly sunny, perfect weather to really enjoy a motorcycle ride. At the rally we looked at motorcycles, old restored cars, some interesting vendors selling everything from bandanas to clothing made out of chains and all the crazy people that come to such events. Oh and of course, Sally and I drank some wine.

We returned home around 5 pm, ate a little snack and fell fast asleep. All of a sudden my phone woke me from the most peaceful rest I have ever had. It was my STBX calling because he was at my house with our daughter. I quickly jumped in my car and dashed over there still half asleep when I arrived.

The Bean brought her Cirque Du Soleil DVD to watch so we went back to Kevin’s house to watch it with him on the BIG TV. He has never seen Cirque Du Soleil before so it was fun to share with him. Years ago I was in Las Vegas and paid over $100 to go see them live at the Wynn. It was worth every penny!

Sunday morning we dined on hotcakes at McDonald’s (which has become a Sunday tradition) and drove down to visit Friss for the morning visiting hours.   He was thrilled to see us and we had a very good visit. At one point I was at the vending machine buying a sandwich and I looked over to see Friss and Kevin just chatting each other up so nicely and it felt so good. Kevin relates so well to people (at least to me and my people). He is just a joy to have around.

Sunday afternoon Kevin’s son Aaron, his wife Candice and their son Gage all stopped by for a visit. I set the two kids up with some crayons and a coloring book and they had fun. Gage is three and the minute he saw Beanie he exclaimed “hi Beanie!” He was happy to see her and knew just who she was.

Sunday night we did our grocery shopping for the week and I ran into my oldest friend in the world, Sue-Sue. When I was growing up we were neighbors and we played together EVERY day from the time we were about 3 years old until junior high when her social skills were more evolved than mine (and still are) so I skulked off with a crowd of anti social boys.

At the store I saw her from behind standing near the check out and recognized her instantly, without a doubt, even though I haven't seen her in a few years. I ran over and said hi and we chatted for a while as we wondered towards the parking lot until her husband said “we have ice cream” and then Kevin said “we do to”. We all laughed and headed home ASAP before our ice cream turned to mush. Sue-Sue lives a bit out of town and we just never find time to hang out anymore. I am going to do a better job of keeping in touch with her from now on. We are like sisters you know.

Viscous Cycle

This week Husband and I have been fighting a lot. We exchanged a lot of emails during the day (at work) and he was angry, bitter and snapping at me as I tried to have rational discussions.

He was rewriting history which really hacks me off. Like now he says I never tried to understand him and I was so self-centered….this to the co-dependent. That he wanted to talk but I was too busy talking about myself to listen. He is out of his mind! I would have flown to the mood to hear him talk.

I asked him what the house appraised for and he said $305. I said “told ya”… and of course he took it as me being shitty when all I meant was “good my estimate was right”. (I know I am not always as tactful as I could be.) Then he told me how I took advantage of him on the house deal because I knew how much he wanted it. Whatever.

At one point today I told him that we were not being productive so we should end the conversation. I was actually doing a good job at not getting emotionally sucked in and I was trying to honor his ever pervasive wish that our conversations be positive ones. He said that he knew he was angry but maybe needed to just get it out. He said I wanted openness and honesty so he was laying it on me.

You know what? I respect that. I am glad he was letting it all hang out. I didn’t feel like he was *playing* a game or trying to manipulate me. I felt like he was just being a dick. I can handle dick. I can’t handle shifty shady man.

Today the subject of trust in the marriage came up. He said he knew I never did trust him.  And then it occurred to me that there is a very SIMPLE reason that I never did trust him…the real root of ALL our problems. So I sent him this email:

ME: “Ironically I didn’t trust you because we didn’t have these types of “frank” conversations when I lived with you. I always felt like the truth was off limits so the truth must be something I don’t want to hear. If it wasn’t BAD then why would it be off limits?”

HUSBAND: “I agree and understand. I wish I would have been ready to talk more then. I always had nothing but the best intentions and it hurt me that you never trusted me. Vicious cycle.”

Everything else in our marriage was a symptom of this one very real problem. We never communicated with each other. We never could have real, honest, open conversation about anything. If I tried to start such a conversation he deflected or ran away or just got mad and shut down. (because he didn't trust me!?) He would have none of it. If he did actually participate in a discussion it was an act, a subtle dance with words where he would say what he thought he should say or say what would net him some result he was after. It was never just a real person with real feeling spilling their guts.

He says he was afraid of me getting too emotional and that is why he acted that way.   The crazy shit is, I was mostly just upset because he wouldn’t really talk to me. It WAS a viscous cycle.

STRESS

So today, the bonding company asks for a more recent job schedule.  I put one together and it shows that 3 of our recent jobs tanked, lost lots of money.  Meanwhile the auditors alert me that we have to book another $90k loss for fiscal year ending 3-31-14 due to some GAAP rules.  All the while we are not paying all our bills on time and have angry vendors calling daily about past due invoices.  Did I mention the bank loaned us an extra $100k in May and we have a $33,000 payment due at the end of July that I know we can't make?  Oh and we are bidding new jobs but if we don't get any more work, the current jobs will all end in about two months.  AND even if we get the new jobs, I bet the margins are not enough to cover the overhead.  Work is scarce at this point because the government is rather broke.

See why I want out?

This afternoon around 2 the bonding lady (sales rep with HUGE diamond wedding ring and too much makeup) shows up to pick up the new schedule and discuss business.  It all makes me nuts.  I talked with her, promised her everything she wants (even if it is nonsense) .....Q1 financials by early next week, more work-in-process reports in a format that makes her happy.  She wants our managers to start monitoring jobs so we know if they are going to lose money before they are even done.  Well that is all great in theory but these old men who are stuck in their ways will not do it.  They don't even know how.  This place is not set up that way.

Any-hoooo I have a shit ton of work to do before I leave.  I plan on working a half day next Friday July 25th because we have a float trip planned.  I plan on working a half day on Monday July 28th and then being done for good.

My boss is still not talking to me about the end of my employment.  He is in denial.
I get that he really needs me right now.  All the extra requirements due to the poor income last year fall on me mostly.  I feel bad leaving like this.  I still think in the next month or two the bonding company will pull out for good.

What a mess. 

Getting Told NO!

First I tell my boss I want to quit....tell him I want part time....tell him I don't want to do my assistants job (he had asked me to fire her just a few weeks ago) etc.  He says he won't except my resignation and that he will keep the assistant and let me work part time.  Basically he is willing to do anything to keep me.  Well that is all fine and dandy BUT, this place is going down.  I know the finances and there is NO WAY it will last another year.  If we make it thru summer I will be shocked.  The bonding company made my boss give them $250k just so they would keep bonding us.  It is not a viable company at this point and I WANT OUT!

I told Kevin about how cheap Husband's insurance is.  He told me "Hell no you will not be accepting help from him!"  I think this is man pride shit, not him being logical and economical (like me).  But I respect that he doesn't want it and I won't do it.  He told me that he would marry me and put me on his health insurance before he would let me go on "Jimmy's" insurance.  (Jimmy is the not so nice but not terrible nick name he calls my husband.)

I finally looked into Obama care....it will be expensive for me.  As best I can tell I will pay $200 per month for coverage but have a $6500 deductible or something like that.  And office visits are covered at 100% AFTER the deductible is met.  Basically I will spend a lot of money but only use the insurance should I get cancer or in a car wreck, something catastrophic.  BLAH

I wonder what my blood pressure medicine costs with no insurance?

Not looking forward to telling my assistant I quit.  I will tell her Friday.

Need to talk to the boss again and reiterate that I am not staying.  He is dodging me at this point.

NEW JOB

Today they called, the nursery where I applied for a part time job.

They want to hire me.

I accepted.

I am very excited.

The only bad thing is no health insurance. I plan to check into Obamacare. My new boss, Jacob, told me that if business keeps growing that I will work into a full time position with health insurance. Unfortunately, all my research into health care indicates that most all private companies with smaller work forces  (not like the university that employs over 13,000 people) will no longer be able to afford health insurance plans in the near future.

Over the past 10 years we have seen the cost of our insurance here increase 30% every single year and we are being told that this year when it is time to renew in December it will be way more than that! Ridiculous if you ask me.

I remember when I graduated from college back in the 80s and it was a given that I would have a good job with full benefits including insurance because I had completed a bachelors degree in accounting.  Back then my co-pay was $10 per visit.  It seemed more of a right than a privilege.  All that has certainly changed. 

I asked Husband how much it would cost me to jump on his insurance (he works for the university) and he said $100 per month.  Thinking I won't be able to beat that!

Tomorrow I will tell my boss that I am giving two weeks notice. I am so ready for this change.  It is a huge cut in pay but at this point I have a lot of money saved up and when Husband pays me for my house I will be fine for a long time at a lower pay.  I hope to spend more time with my kids, especially the 6 year old.  The plan is that this fall when school starts I can pick her up at 3 pm each day when school lets out.  This will be a huge money saver too, because the after school care at her school is $10 an hour!

The red barn thing you see in this photos is actually my office.

Fun facts about the new job: no indoor plumbing....we have an out house.  I will be working in a fancy shed basically surrounded by beautiful plants and sweaty people with dirty hands.  I haven't asked but I hope I will be able to eventually bring my dog to work with me like I do now.  He told me that things are behind and the current "book keeper" who is working from home is just not cutting it.  I am confident that I can go in there and make huge improvement on how the books are kept and all the processes involved with their finances.  One of my super powers is streamlining and making things efficient and simple.  I have actually worked myself out of a job more than once by setting up systems that work so well any idiot can do them.  I look forward to helping make this beautiful nursery and landscaping business thrive.

Also, because I will be getting paid by the hour, I won't be able to blog at work.  However, at home I am beating my internet provider over the head to get the kinks in my service fixed so I can blog from home.  My home internet has never worked well and I finally made a service call weeks ago and they came and checked/tweaked the indoor wiring and declared the issue outdoors.  Then they supposedly fixed that but they didn't so they have scheduled me for this Friday to "fix" it again outside.

Family

This weekend we had a little family reunion to commemorate my father and keep in touch with my brothers. Pop died a year ago this weekend.

Kevin and I rode the motorcycle to Arkansas to my neice Jessica's house. She is the oldest daughter of my older brother Chuck.

Work is nuts so right now I can't tell you all the fun we had but the bike broke down, and the kids stay up till midnight (she has 9 but we counted 10?) but over all it was a great time.

My nephew Jeramiah (Chucks youngest) is currently living in a tent on Jessicas' land. He and his wife Mandy are building a cabin.

Here are some pictures. I hope to post more later but right now I have to do some work.
Over the weekend I did decide that I am going to ask my boss to lay me off so I can collect unemployment. He won't be in until tomorrow.

Jessica and her youngest Samuel.

Mathew, Jessica's oldest, showing how his pet possum likes to hang from his tail.

He looks so much like my brother Chuck did at that age.

Jessica and her three girls.  Hannah, Rosetta and Lydia.

My brothers Bill and Chuck.

This is David.  He is three and the cutest kid EVER!

Jeremiah and his wife Mandy.

.......the back of my head.

My view on the motorcycle.



Typical.... he is fussing over the chrome.



Just for fun we took the long route home and got to ride on a ferry.

Good Read About Child Abuse

"Faced with random, senseless abuse, a child begins to think herself as inherently unlovable."

I found this article today and thought it was worth passing along.

this is the original article...<< CLICK HERE >>

It is time to start focusing on what I can do to heal/repair the wounds my parents gave me. That is really the biggest issue I need to deal with.

Unemployed

My boss just informed me that the bonding company is no longer going to bond us.  That means we can't work so the company is going out of business.  The jobs we have already started will get finished but no new jobs.

He told me if I stick around to help "land the plane" he will take care of me.  Meaning he will be sure I get paid well.  It would buy me about 2 more months of pay but it will also SUCK BALLS.  I will have to fire my assistant and deal with all the bullshit that happens when 60 people find out they are out of a job.

Tomorrow I am leaving to go visit my brothers; a family reunion of sorts. So another 3 day weekend.  While I am on the back of the motorcycle I will have plenty of time to think about my next move.  I really don't think the money is worth the stress.

Storms

Lucky that nothing hit the house.

Still working on the power lines almost 2 days after the storm.

Roots and all!

This house was crushed.  I hope no one was hurt.

Last night we were supposed to go for a bike ride but I just didn't feel like it. I needed to relax. Work had me totally knotted up.  Things are getting worse by the minute (I won't bore you with the details) and if pushed much more I will certainly give my two weeks notice and see if I can get some Obama Health Care coverage.

Many many trees have been cleaned up already but a quick tour of the neighborhood last night showed that there is still plenty of destruction to be seen.

Closer

Just up the street from me.

Monday night a terrible storm rolled through our little college town.  Tuesday morning, my neighborhood in particular, woke up to trees down all over the place (many landing on houses) and no power to our homes.  Some roads were blocked off completely by fallen trees or power lines.  It kind of resembled a war zone!   The city workers and power crews got to work right away, but there was MUCH work to be done.

Tuesday, after work, I returned home with my daughter and dog to find I still had no electricity.  It was VERY hot in the house so we decided to go to shopping while we pondered our options.  I was thinking maybe we could go to the pool (or lake) next and that would be a good place to "chill" until the sun got lower in the sky.

While I was at the store I purchased a small throw rug for Kevin so on the way to get our swim gear we stopped by his house to drop it off and found that he did have electricity, air conditioning and a cold refrigerator.  So then Beanie and I headed home to unload the fridge and pack an overnight bag.

Back at Kevin's house I loaded my cheese and lunch meat into his fridge while Beanie moved herself into the guest room.  She had packed her own things at our house and after I finished in the kitchen I went to check on her and see how she was doing (and what she packed).  Much to my amusement she was settling in with gusto.  She had her favorite stuffed animals on the bed along with her "blanky".  She had her PJs laid out and her clothes for art camp the next day.  Shoes lined up on the floor.  She moved the tissues by the bed so they were handy should she need them.  She scooted the "boy" stuff out of the way (some baseball bobble heads) so she could put her stuff on the dresser.  She was so stinking cute as she showed me her setup.  Later I went in the bathroom to find her toothbrush in the holder and her mouthwash by the sink!

Kevin showed up a bit later and we had dinner.  Then Beanie got ready for bed.  She had almost fallen asleep in the car earlier so I knew she was tired.  I set her up to watch satelite TV which is a treat we don't have at our house.  Kevin and I settled in on the couch where we looked up stuff on his tablet and chatted about everything we could think of.  (It's what we do.)  Soon the Bean dozed off so I put her to bed. 

This morning everyone woke up well rested and in a great mood.  As we all got ready to leave for our busy day I was stuck by how smoothly things were going and how peaceful it all felt.  This was the first time that all three of us were together for the morning "routine" and it went just fine.  As Beanie and I were headed out the door Kevin reached out to hug her good-bye and then I saw him pause.  He patted her on the back and gave her a warm "have a great day!"  Later he told me she was so cute that he wanted to hug her but then decided maybe it wasn't time yet.  He takes to fathering like a fish to water.  Just another thing I love about him.

As more time goes by he and I just get closer and closer and it just feels better and better.  I am starting to actually believe we may live happily ever after!  (I hope admitting that doesn't put a curse on it.)

The scene at Uwe's house.  Just missed his truck!

Truth?

In the last week, husband has told me that his GF dumped him (which came up because she spent the night at his house when our daughter was there so he knew Beanie would tell me) but then he goes to visit her on the weekend and spends the night. I asked a lot of questions to understand what was going on but he just gave vague, brief answers. I suspect he wants me to think she dumped him but she didn’t.  (admittedly none of my business really except the fact that he still keeps telling me that he wants to work on our marriage so it is pertinent to some degree.)

He told me that his assistant at the office quit and it was her last day yet a week later she is still there. When I asked him about this incongruence he said she gave two weeks’ notice and that THIS was her last week. I didn’t record him or take notes but I am sure it was more than two weeks ago when he indicated she had quit and last week when she didn’t show up he said it was her last day. Of course none of it makes sense. I would guess he was trying to elicit sympathy from me when he told me that his summer vacation (he works at the university) was ruined because he would soon be working so much harder with no assistant.

He told me the bank wasn’t returning his calls and the house loan had stalled out. Today, out of the blue, he said that the loan is going through and it will close in two weeks. I asked what happened (twice) and of course he didn’t answer. My guess, he just didn’t want to tell give me updates when I would inquire as to how the loan was going so it was easier to just say “I don’t know they aren’t taking my calls”. I know that lending institutions don’t routinely ignore customer with good credit who want to borrow a large chunk of money.

Then there is that stuff he said he would write down regarding our marriage. He said he was working on it last week. He has yet to actually show me anything though. I doubt he actually wrote anything down.

All this “shady” behavior drives me nuts. Every single thing he says leaves me wondering if it is true or not. The only good thing about it is that, evidently, he is no longer “trying” to win me back. He is back to his old self and making it easy for me to walk away.

The real tragedy here is that he tells our daughter stuff that is crap and I know it and she believes him. He told her they would get a puppy but I know he really won’t. He promised that they will do this or that together in the future. I have news for him, she will remember what he promised her and bring it up again and he will have to lie some more or follow through. I really wish she didn’t have to go through all this. I want her to grow up believing that people mean what they say and that being honest is important. I am worried about what lessons he is teaching her.

AND I blame myself….I should have walked away in the beginning when he didn’t treat me with respect. I got both her and I into this mess by having such low expectations and putting up with substandard treatment. I swear I have learned my lesson, I will never stick around and let someone treat me like shit again.

What a GREAT long weekend!!

I actually had three and a half days off work which was refreshing. Our annual audit is over and other than health insurance I really don’t care if I lose my job.

Saturday morning I ran a 10k race and placed 2nd in my age group. This race was out of town so Kevin and I (and a mutual friend) had a mini vacation.

Sunday I had fun with my daughter. She even went for a little run with me.

Also over the weekend, Kevin and I pulled up his ratty old carpet and cleaned up the wood floors that were hidden underneath. It was a lot of hard work but WOW, doesn’t it look great?

Husband took our daughter to his GF house (an hour from here) for the day Saturday and they even spent the night. I didn’t know this was going to happen and when I found out it did, I was a bit upset, but I shook it off quickly. Mostly I was upset that he left my dog outside ALL night long when I could have easily picked her up if he had told me he was not going to be home.

At this point I am feeling emotionally strong. I am focusing on how the STBX is a selfish and shady character and I really don’t want to be his wife. He, of course, has been reinforcing these ideas by how he has been behaving and acting the last few days so that really does help.

Jealous

I am well aware that I am jealous that Roslyn is getting the attention of my husband that I never got. To top it off I am actually directing his efforts by telling him all the things I needed or wanted in our marriage which he then takes that information and uses it to better his relationship with her. He told me he can always catch a women he just doesn’t know how to keep one, which is his new mission in life….to learn to keep one. Just like decorating the house for him, at times I feel like the biggest sucker for helping him impress the new girl. The other day we were fighting about this so this is how I explained:

“You just don’t seem to understand……….. it is like I am a dog sitting at the door for 7 years hoping you will feed me. I try so hard to win you over but you only give me scraps once in a while. (Presumably because I look pathetic.) Then I finally decide that I am about to starve to death so I give up and leave.
The next day another dog comes up and you invite “her” in for a steak and pet her and love her all day long. That is how it feels to me. I feel like I tried and tried and don’t get anything but heart ache for my efforts. Meanwhile she wonders up and you embrace her and offer her all the things you “couldn’t” offer me. This is how it feels to me.”

On a deeper level this all goes back to my parents not loving me so I have some deep-seated issues about not being lovable. Husband fed those fears the whole time we were married and continues to push those emotional buttons inside me.

Last night I called my MIL and chatted with her for a while. It was the first time I have talked her since last December. She was genuinely glad to hear my voice and we had a very nice talk. I know she cares about me and I know she worries about Husband and his ability to get along with people in life. She also told me that she is medicated so my FIL doesn’t dive her completely crazy. Knowing the FIL as well as I do I don’t blame her one bit for needing a little help to cope. I was pretty sure that my husband was going to end up just like his father which was another factor I considered before deciding to leave him.

Husband and I have been talking more lately. We have been emailing more too. It is good and needs to happen so we can become better partners in life, be it married or not. I think we may be running out of steam to fight about the past which is good. There was a lot of built up negativity that just needed to get out and be aired. As always I wish we could have done this many years ago but he wasn’t willing. Better late than never I suppose.

He says he still wants to get back together. I asked him to write up something telling me how this new improved marriage would be different from our old one. I told him I need to understand what he wants and expects before I can even consider that we could get back together. In the past he would have agreed to write something up but then he never would have done it. I think he might actually follow through this time. We will see.

Today I am feeling calm and level headed and not particularly “confused”. I am mindful of the fact that my time away from him has made me mellow and forget how VERY difficult he can be to get along with. Talking with his mother also reminded me of how much he is like his father which is just not the person I want to grow old with.

At this point I don’t think it can hurt to work on building a better relationship with Husband because we will need it no matter what. (We are raising a child together for the next 12 years at least.) If at some point down the road I feel he really has changed and I really do want to give it another go I just might do it. But for now I am adapting a wait and see attitude.  I think I was just putting too much pressure on myself to do SOMETHING and really there is not reason to be in a hurry.