I Love Eden Riley

Do you read Eden’s blog?  I have been reading it since BEFORE she was “famous”.  I have read EVERY word she has ever written in this blog and the old one too….before Edenland.  I fell in love with her from the start.  I even posted a comment to let her know.  We have emailed and I have even had dreams about her and going to visit Australia and her and Dave.

I have been wondering and worried about where she has been….she has been gone.  Then today, she came back and told her story like she does and I was blow away, like I always am.

It is sometimes beyond my comprehension that this woman, in Australia, whom I have never met in person, can have such a huge impact on my life but she does…..she always does.  It is almost like fate that she is here for me.

For the past 5 years or so, I have read her blog FIRST THING every day when I arrive at work. I can’t tell you how many times whatever she needed to write was EXACTLY what I needed to read.  It’s true…..she has helped me so many times and she doesn’t even realize it!

These last few months I have been really struggling to keep my feet under me and then I get to work this morning to find out my brother’s girlfriend (who has a huge heart)….her daughter tried to commit suicide.  I was shaken and upset and then I read Eden’s blog. 

Yesterday…just YESTERDAY….I e-mailed Eden because I couldn’t take her absence any longer and I was worried.  I missed her.  AND, yesterday was the day she got out.  She too has been having a hard time keeping her feet under her!

And I read her blog today and I realized that some people shed their skin and put their bones into everything. I’m not exactly sure what she means but I know what I think it means.  AND I think I do it too.  I think some people just live a more intense life….they can’t, just can’t let stuff roll off.   

I am tired of trying to be who I want to be or who I should be.  I am tired of stuffing all my feeling down because I shouldn’t have so many feelings….because I should be a grown up and be cool and functional.  I need to learn to love me and who I already am.  It’s hard to shed your skin and put your bones into everything but if you do, you can’t seem to stop it and you shouldn’t regret it, you should embrace it.  You need to let yourself be yourself and be OK with that.

So right now, at this moment, somehow Eden has made me feel better about just being me…..AGAIN!

I sure hope Eden is feeling better today too.

It's Not All Doom and Gloom

Last night after work I took Beanie shopping for an Easter dress.  She loves to shop.  She is such a girly girl.  I still don’t know how that happened.  I am NOT girly.  I am the type that puts on a pair of earrings and then doesn’t change them for YEARS!

Anyhow…it was grueling.  We hiked all over the mall and she tried on many a frilly frock.  She loved every minute of it.  She even cried once when she had a crush on a particular dress but they didn’t have it in her size.  It was actually sweet because the melt down was short lived.

We finally left Dillard’s with a dress in her hands.  They bagged it on the hanger and she proudly carried it to the car.  She was just beaming and could not wait to get home and decide what accessories would go with it.

I was pooped when we got home but in a much better mood.  The kid can wear me out but she is also such a breath of fresh air in a world that is frequently just a letdown.  Five year old just have a zest for life you can’t beat.

Once home I opened a bottle of wine and sipped a glass while husband dutifully listened to his girls tell him about their shopping spree.  He was sweet and patient as we both yapped away, which made me feel better too.

I also vented to him a little bit…..about my bad mood.  (I don’t tell him it has anything to do with Rocco and that certainly is not the only thing getting me down.)  Husband listened and it was nice.  I keep telling him that he doesn’t have to fix anything….I just need someone to listen and not judge.  He even slept close to me last night.  I woke up feeling loved!

SO…..what was my deal yesterday? 

It’s a combination of things I am sure.  It’s never just one thing and generally it’s nothing new.  First, the weather is obviously not helping……..so tired of winter.  And my feet hurt ALL THE TIME, which gets very old.  Another contributor is lack of social life.  I haven’t seen much of my friends lately, for one reason or another.   This will improve when we finally get some biking weather however, some of my friends are just headed in different directions which is depressing.

Also I will probably be out of a job in the next year or so.  Our little construction company is headed into some tough times and I doubt we will make it.  I already decided that when things get ugly I am quitting.  I am not going to suffer.   I know I shouldn’t worry about any of it yet….but I also know, the back of my mind is already thinking “what the hell are you going to do when this job is over?”   In all honesty I am old and lazy and don’t want to work hard anymore.  Been there done that!  Now I am spoiled to a cushy well paying job.  I am so not looking forward to getting a REAL job!  And there is the whole issue of can I even find a decent new job in this small town we live in.

No wait…there’s more …….I am still battling my weight loss and lack of discipline.  I have NEVER had problems losing weight in the past.  I just decided to do it, ate less and there you go, back to normal weight.  This spring has been crazy, all I can figure is lately, food and wine is the only fun I have.  (Again, better weather will help.) 

Another thing that brings me down is my family.  Teenagers …you know how they can be.  And my parents, they play no role in my life.  (Tough words post on her mom got me thinking)  I am so jealous of the people who have a family to lean on when they need help.

AND I need to do a whole post on my meditation class…..

Sometime I just want to make up a new persona and a name and go become someone else.   I can’t run away from home can I?

My PA Husband Takes a Break

Background story:

On February 3^rd around noon I stopped by the grocery store to pick up a few things.  At the checkout I paid for my groceries and as I stuffed my credit card back in my pocket I pulled my keys out of my pocket.  I then picked up two small plastic bags of groceries, one in each hand and walked out of the store.  My car was right by the door….only feet away and I climbed in my car, put the grocery bags on the passenger floor and then, much to my dismay, realized the keys were no longer in my hand.  Obviously I dropped them when I put the bags down…..I searched the floor board.  Nope.  Oh must be IN a bag….dump out contents.  NOPE.  Well I got in the car so they can’t be far.  Maybe I dropped them when I opened the car door.  Look on ground around car.  NOPE.  Gotta be here…..look some more.  Nothing.  WOW – am I losing my mind here or what?  They can’t be far, I just had them!!!!

I spent the next 30 minutes retracing every step I took from the time I KNEW I had them to the point I knew I did not and NO KEYS WERE FOUND.  Searched car like 8 times.  Finally I got my hide-a-key out and drove away.  BUT wow did it seem odd and I felt helpless, almost out of my mind.

I did find them the next day in my car in a cubby hole under my console that I swear I checked the day before.  I was thrilled to find them but still miffed at how the laws of physics were bent to allow me to drop keys over, then under and then behind two other things.

**************

So yesterday I spend a good chunk of the day at work reading about PA husbands.  It was depressing and I was feeling down.  After work I headed home to pack for my upcoming weekend ski trip.  As I was packing, I plucked what I thought was my good black roll top hat out of my car and put it in the pile.  (Rocco gave it to me years ago and it is my favorite and it is irreplaceable.)  Then as I was double checking my stuff spread out on the bed I realized I had grabbed a different black (running hat) from the car and not the favorite one.  I went back to car to exchange the hats and low and behold the favorite one was gone.  I knew I had it on Monday, just two days ago so it could not have gone far.  I searched the car and no feaking had.  I was already in a down mood and still a bit traumatized from the resent lost key fiasco, so I began to cry.

I went back in the house and double checked everything on the bed.   NOPE, it wasn’t there.  Searched the car one more time, NOPE….no hat.  SERIOUSLY!?!?!?!  Now I am balling my eyes out both mad and frustrated all at once.  TIRED OF LOSING THINGS!

Husband (who is still mad at me) notices I’m upset and asks why (which is actually not characteristic of him).  I tell him my favorite hat has disappeared and he says “well take a different fucking hat!”  (Isn’t he tender and kind to me? NOT)  I then turn to him and say “leave me alone you are 80% of the problem”.  I still had all my PA reading heavy on my mind which he did not know of course.  

I keep looking for the hat and at some point see husband putting his shoes on.  I quiz him as to what he is doing he says nothing and acts pleasant.  He then disappears into the basement.  I assume he is going to his man room to sulk.

Some minutes later I finally find the hat, in the car, behind the dog kennel.  What a relief.  I finish packing.  Husband is still down stairs so I decide to go down and apologize for being cross.  When I get down there I am shocked to find the lights are all off and no one is there.  WHAT?

I go back up stairs and look in the garage.  THE CAR IS GONE!  He actually snuck out the basement door, pushed the car out of the garage and drove away.  (Our bedroom, where I was packing is right by the garage and I did not hear him start the car.)  My head is spinning that he would actually act like this!

SO…….I phone him hoping he will answer and I will say come home and then it will be over.  He doesn’t answer.  I call many times and send him a few texts.  No response. I am VERY upset.  You know I have abandonment issue!

Eventually I crawl in bed with our daughter and fall asleep.

I wake up around midnight and he is still not back.  I am PISSED OFF!!!  I call his phone and he does not answer (of course) and I leave a message.  “If you don’t come home tonight you might as well consider that a request for a divorce!”

About 1:30 am he arrives home.  I had been sitting there fuming for over an hour.  Of course, as soon as he came in he wanted to go to bed and pretend nothing had happened and I wanted to discuss what the hell had just happened. 

I started talking and he sat there with a blank face.  I told him I can’t live like this, etc. etc. etc.  He said if I wanted a divorce that was fine but it was my idea not his.  I told him it was his idea because he refuses to actually BE a husband to me and I can’t put up with anything and everything he wants to do.

Then at some point I just stopped talking.  It was making him withdraw and he was just using everything I said against me and I realized that the more I talked the more he was hating me and our marriage and my desire to actually discuss our issues was only going to make things much much worse in the long run.

Then, somehow, I told him that ^^ and somehow we had some (not a lot) of productive talk.  As usual, he viewed our marriage as basically good and sound and could not understand why I was so upset.  He also told me that he hates emotions and thinks they are irrational and would rather I not talk to him when I am upset.  (Of course you do….who wouldn’t?) He also noted that he felt that he did nothing wrong by leaving, that he was upset and wanted a few hours to himself to calm down and regroup.  In his mind it was no big deal and I should be happy that he can control his anger.

I then explained that repressing anger does not mean it is gone it means it comes out in different ways, like sneaking out of the house like a 15 year old.  Or giving me the cold shoulder FOR DAYS or doing passive aggressive things to get even.  He listened and seemed to get it.  Which made me feel a bit better.

I also explained to him that I am the one making all the adjustments to keep the peace and therefore I am the one who suffers so he can experience the peaceful marriage that he thinks we have.  I told him that I am sick of feeling that I have to deal with everything by myself and he refuses to be included.  He knows he hates to talk and does not deny that.  He just tells me he finds it unpleasant and depressing.  I know that when I try to engage him in meaningful conversations it backfires because he will then get very passive aggressive because the discussions upset him.  He can’t seem to view it as a productive way for two people to come to agreement and work out personal issues.  So evidently if it is unpleasant for him I am not supposed to do it.  What a sweet deal he has going.  GRRRRR

I actually told him that if he didn’t want a relationship he should not have been dating and should not have married me.  I mean really, if you don’t want to deal with another person why get married!?!?!

It was close to 4 am when I finally went back to sleep and it was 6:30 when he got up and went to work.  I called in and told my boss I had not gotten any sleep and would be in later.  I dropped our daughter at school and then went back to bed until it was time to go see George for my weekly visit.

Letting Go of Resentment

One of the things I think I have figured out in the past few weeks is that I have a lot of built up resentment for my husband (and a few other people as well) for things he has done to me in the past AND these old resentments are interfering with me actually accepting his kindness now and letting our current relationship be all that it might be.  I realize I am harming no one but myself with this resentment that I am holding on to.  I get that!

Today I found this article that I really like:
How to Let Go of Resentments 
and I am looking forward to reading more of Dr. Orloff's blog.

I completely understand WHY I should let go of my resentments, but that doesn't necessarily mean I CAN let go of them.  This is my new project.....to really let them go.  Tomorrow I will see if my therapist George can help me.

I am not sure how much I have blogged about how my husband treated me the first few years we were together and I don't really want to drag it all up again now, but believe me, he said and did many terrible, disrespectful things to me and I have never forgiven him.  I am honestly embarrassed to even tell you, it was that bad.  I really should have walked away and had nothing more to do with him.  BUT, I was pregnant and thinking of more than myself.

The key to this is......if he has changed his ways and his feelings for me, it is in my best interest to believe that, except that and move on so I can enjoy my marriage.

If he has not changed his ways, and everything nice he does now is just a huge act, then he sure has put an ENORMOUS amount of time and effort into faking a life for the benefit of our daughters.  (Which is not completely selfish now is it?)

You see, he excuses all that he did by saying he was in a terrible situation and acted poorly because he was desperate and didn't know what else to do.  I can except this answer to a point, but at some point, one has to say "wow your moral compass swing way farther than mine ever would!"

I just look back and think, if he was really capable of behaving so poorly, the man has no limits or boundaries....he is a ticking time bomb of potential disaster for me.  I guess I would like to think that people are only capable of stooping so low.

Other times I can look back and think maybe he was freaking out and it was a one time deal that he can't take back and he is smart enough to put it in the past and I should wise up.

I don't know.......but I am pretty sure I am on to something here.

(thanks Jane of the Midwest)

Depression and Compassion

All weekend I have been depressed.  All weekend I have just felt so lost and empty; that the world is too much, that it is all too hard.  I found myself praying that I would not wakeup in the morning which is something I have not done in a long time.

Husband was nice this weekend….for the most part…..this time it isn’t his fault that I am down.  No, actually it is the combination of the school shooting in Connecticut, my own teenagers acting like fools, Christmas time of the year and my propensity to be self loathing when I feel that I am not the best person I can be.  I’m feeling extremely self critical.  And, in order to combat this depression I drank too much wine….so now I can feel crappy about that too.

When you have a child you experience a bond that is on a deeper level than any other bond.  All you parents out there know what I am talking about.  I am sure, to a large extent; this is Mother Nature’s way of ensuring we care for our offspring so our species will continue to thrive.  But still it is a real emotion and we all feel it.  You have a baby and the world changes…your focus changes and in so many ways you put them before you.  You would do almost anything to ensure they are happy, healthy and grow up to be productive decent citizens.  This devotion also has an emotional price because if anything should happen to your child you will be devastated.

My first born didn’t make it.  He is spending 15-20 years in prison.  I failed at raising him to be a happy, healthy productive decent citizen.  As a mother it hurts…..to the bottom of my heart it hurts.  It hurts to see his life like this and it hurts because I feel I should have done better.  I should have saved him.

Add to that the fact that when his “life” ended it was one week before Christmas and that has forever left a bad taste in my mouth for Christmas.  I will always associate Christmas with loss, death and sorrow.  And now 28 families in CT….hell the whole town…..will also associate Christmas with loss, death and sorrow.

I know how quickly life can change.  I know what it is like to have to get rid of all your child’s belongings because they won’t be coming home.  I know what those families are going through and my heart aches for them.  So much so that I can’t shake this deep despair that has sunk in and the more the news coverage goes on and on the worse it gets.  I have got to stop turning on the radio and the TV.

As a bonus this Christmas, Monster and Ramone are teenagers, nineteen and seventeen years old.  They are at the age where they can and probably will make life altering mistakes.  They are also getting too old for me to *make* them do the right thing.  All I can do is offer advice and hope they listen while I stand by holding my breath and hoping they will be lucky enough to not really fuck up their whole lives.  I am scared to death for them because I know they don’t get it and by the time they do it might just be too late.

Saturday night Monster called me (wait it was Sunday morning at 3 am) with some very lame stuff that he was upset about.  He told me he was in a fight and I could tell he had been driving drunk.  I am so scared for these kids I can’t sleep!

Another thing that has me stewing is the fact that the gun enthusiast are using this as an occasion to push for MORE guns; which seems like a ridiculous idea to me.  I am not blaming guns for what happened because I do believe that people kill people not guns.  But a gun did make it easier for this mad man to kill MORE people…..so gun restrictions make more sense to me.  You will never convince me that arming teachers will make schools safer.  That is just plain nuts.

Then there are the people who are saying that we have turned our backs on God and that is why this has happened.  To them I say……because no Godly person ever goes nuts?.....because people can’t be decent human beings without God?....because all morality is rooted in the bible?  I guess I am just offended that so many people seem to think that you can’t be a good person unless you believe in their God; especially since I seem to see so many cold hearted hateful things coming from people in the name of religion.  I am not trying to bash God or say that all religious people are hateful just that it is not the miracle cure we are in need of. It is just not that simple. More wars have been fought and more people killed in the name of God….so don’t tell me that God is the solution to violence.

Last but not least, there are the political views that are also getting pushed using this shooting as an opportunity.  Shame on you all for taking such a terrible tragedy and trying to turn it into your chance to push your political beliefs on others.

I don’t have the answers and I understand that emotions are high right now in all of the camps.  But, what I really would like to see is compassion for ALL involved.  And for more people to say “what can I do to make the world a better place….how can I help?”  The real question is how are we as a society not helping these people who most obviously are not OK.  It’s about mental health and how we are falling short in the care of those in need. 

And one more thing….school are still safe.  The odds of your kid getting shot at school are like infinitesimal.   STOP freaking out!  I don’t want our kids locked in….I don’t want armed guards.  There has got to be a better way!

What Goes up Must Come Down

This morning I packed to go out of town to do my 10k running race. I was all excited to have a mini vacation.  I put my swim suit in the bag because the hotel has a pool.  I put everything in the car and got the whole house in order and my daughter ready for school and then I finally jumped in the shower.

When I finished my shower I could hear my phone ringing; odd that it rings in the morning before 8 am.  I toweled off quickly but couldn’t get to it in time.  It was a missed call from my boss.  I phoned him back right away, still standing there in nothing but a towel with my hair soaking wet.

“Did you hear about James?” he asked.  I was confused, who was he talking about.  There is a guy at work named James.  I asked if he meant that James and he said no, your husband.  “He has been in a motorcycle accident.   He is Ok, but wants you to come get him and take him to the hospital.”  My head is spinning and I am forced to realize this is no joke and I am not even slightly prepared for all the implications.  I’m not even dressed!

I dress as quickly as possible and I calmly put my daughter in the car.  I drive as fast as I can without much regard for traffic or the law.  I was careful but fast.  I dropped her at school with a quick kiss and RAN back to the car. Now I take off out of the parking lot and feel myself breaking down.  I have to keep it together and drive a few more miles.  I curse the cars going slow in the fast lane on the highway.  “Get the fuck out of the way!”

Finally I see the ambulance on the street and I pull up behind the patrol car.  The man in the street motions me to pass through; arms flailing harder as he realizes I am ignoring him.  I park my car, jump out and yell “I am the wife!”  I am already mad at everyone and everything.  I am scared to death, I am hyperventilating and my hands are going numb.  I run to the back of the ambulance where my husband sits all battered, bloody and wrapped in gauze.  I want to grab him and hug him, I want to shake him and scream at him, I want to break down and cry, I can’t stop breathing too fast.  I crumble by his feet at the back of the ambulance gasping for air and sobbing.  It had been 45 minutes since the call and for me it was way too long of a build up for this moment to finally see him.

The EMT guy says to me “mam, you need to calm down, I won’t let you drive if you don’t calm down.”  Really!  Really!!  WTF!  I hear his voice in my right ear and I hate his bossy tone.  I know he means well but at the same time he is just flaming all the anger inside me.  I look at him, hold my hand up and say “really you are not helping…please shut up!”

He backs up and my husband gives him a polite nod.  I pace a bit and breathe.  I must pull my shit together.  I calm down enough that they ask me to pull my car up and they help my husband into it.  They ask me to pop the trunk and they pitch in a pile of beaten and bloody things; his backpack, his shoe, his watch, his pocket knife and more.

We then wait, for the ambulance to drive off (felt like 10 minutes but was probably only one) and we follow it up the road.  Husband starts to apologize and that makes me mad too.  I can’t even begin to tell you how many emotions are flying through my mind.  I know he is talking and walking but still, how badly is he hurt.  He is going to the hospital, he moans when I hit bumps or turn too fast.  We argue about which route to take.  I let him decided.  I should not have.

As we approach the hospital there is construction and detours and it takes more than one try to find the route that actually gets us to the emergency room entrance.  Just pisses me off even more.  You would think a hospital would ensure that the injured can actually get to the emergency room entrance.

Once inside, he gives them his insurance card and his ID and they start to type him into the computer.  He groans a bit.  I can’t breathe correctly.  I hate hospitals, I hate police, I hate all of this.  I hate my husband to be in pain.  I hate to be so scared.  I still can’t stop hyperventilating and I feel like I might pass out.  I put my head down between my knees.  I get mad at myself for not being cool and relaxed.  I am a nut job.  I am so damaged by life.

They finally send him to a triage nurse and I sit there watching and my head swims.  I want to leave but feel too dizzy and out of it.  I try to pull myself together and have no luck.  I finally decided that leaving might be the only way to calm down.  I can’t do anything here.  I should go do something……so I won’t just freak out.

I leave the hospital and decide to go to work and get some of the guys to help me pick up the motorcycle trash that is now in the ditch by where it was wrecked.   We drive out and they load it on a trailer.  It’s a heavy crumpled mess.  I hate that thing.  Always did.

I almost made him drive our daughter today.  I was getting ready to leave town and really could have used his help.  BUT, instead I was nice and stuck to the schedule so he could ride the motorcycle to work.  Should have been more selfish and he would be fine.

Back at work I had a few things I just had to do.  I knew he would be at the hospital for a few hours at least so I balanced cash and did some other things in the office that really needed to be done.  By noon I was getting antsy to find out what was going on and there was no way to call him because his phone was totaled in the accident.

I drove back up to the hospital and found him still in the ER.  He was in room 1 and a boy was putting stitches in his hand.  Husband had been thoroughly x-rayed and has only a broken wrist and a small fracture in his foot.  He also has many deep cuts and abrasions on his arms, shoulders, hands and feet.  On his right forearm, the part that hit the ground first, he is actually missing a hunk of skin and will require skin grafts. 

All this makes me feel better.  At least now we know what is wrong.  How damaged he is.  He then tells me they are going to admit him and keep him overnight.  That I should take our daughter to his parents house and go to my race.  I told him I would not be leaving town to go have fun while he was in the hospital trauma wing for the night.  We did agree that it would be best to get Beanie to G&G so she would not have to see any of this.

The Day I Got Hauled Off to Jail!

It was a Tuesday morning (4-14-09).  I got up at 5 as usual and ran six miles with my friends.  After the run, I jumped back in my car and headed for home.  On the drive back I noticed I was running a bit late and I was considering whether or not I should skip my cup of coffee and head straight to the shower in order to save myself 5 minutes getting ready for work.

As I neared the road that I live on, I saw a car driving oddly slow up in front of me.  As I got closer I realized he was about to stop completely right in the middle of Rt. E, a two lane county highway with a speed limit of 55.  It was a state patrol car and I thought he was being really weird, but what did I care, I was just thinking about coffee.

I slowed down and pulled up behind him and he started to move again.  He then turned into my road and stopped, blocking it completely so I could not turn.  I stopped and turned on my turn signal and rolled down my window.  I was still rather hot and sweaty from running and my windows were fogging up from slowing my car down.

He then pulled out of the way so I could turn in.  After I turned in, he flipped on his lights and started following me.  “Damn it……what the hell is going on?” I thought.  I just wanted my coffee and Husband was, no doubt, anxiously waiting for me to return so he could pass the baby to me and leave for work.

I pulled over on our narrow country road as best I could.  It has no shoulder and is barely wide enough for two cars to pass.  It is not gravel, but it has no stripes or anything.   There are not that many houses out our way so there is not a lot of traffic on our street.

I was already warm since I was wearing running tight and two layers of long sleeve running technical fabric tops and now that I had stopped I was really overheating.   My window was still down so I decided to get out of the car rather than sit and sweat profusely.  Besides, I was a bit nervous about what the heck was taking place here in the middle of nowhere at 7 am.  I got out and looked and Mr. State Trooper who was just sitting in his car behind me….no doubt running my plates or something.  As I stood there waiting I did some nervous walking……took maybe 7 steps out into the road.

He finally got out of the car and said something in a snide tone like “where do you think you are going?” or something like that.  I said “no where”.

He put his hat on and started marching towards me and again said something like “what is your problem?”  I told him I was anxious because I had no idea why he pulled me over.  He then got even angrier with me and said “you do to”.  I assured him I was very confused and he asked me to get back in my car which I did.  I explained that I was overheating and asked if I could take off one of my tops.  He said Ok and I did.

He then asked me again why he pulled me over…..I thought for a moment and knew my plates were not expired and I had not been speeding and I said “I have no idea”.

He was notably agitated and acting rather strange, so I looked back and checked his car again…..Yea; it looked like a real state trooper’s car.  He then told me my window tinting was why he pulled me over.  I then said “Ohhhhh, is that it?”  I had heard my windows may be over the legal limit, but had forgotten all about it.

Evidently my relief was interpreted as being a smart ass and he was in no mood to play.  He then asked for my driver’s license and registration.  I thought for a moment and realized my ID was at the house.  I had it in my jacket pocket with my credit card from the night before when I ran in the store.  I explained my driver’s license was at the house, just up the street (less than a mile) in my jacket and we could go get it.  He then asked if I had any other forms of ID with me and I told him I had my wallet, but not my ID so yea…..I had credit card and check book and everything.  Meanwhile I am thinking he knows who I am because he ran the plates and I am pretty obviously just a regular person out for a morning run.  How threatening could a girl in spandex tights be?

I handed him the check book and insurance card and he made a comment like since I was being so difficult I would need to go back to his car with him while he ran the stuff.  Now, this guy had been rather twitchy all this time and he was really scaring me and I didn’t want to get in his car with him so I said something like (my exact words elude me) “I’d rather not, I will be good if I can stay here.”  I honestly didn’t think he had ordered me to his car, I thought he had told me if I was going to be an ass I would have to go to his car.

He then threw the contents of his hands on the ground, grabbed me with both his hands and violently pulled me out of the car.  He was very rough and forceful.  He twisted me around and pressed my front side against the car and put his hand cuffs on me as tight as he could.  He pinched them down all the way with a lot of force.  I was IN TOTAL SHOCK AT THIS POINT!!

He then physically pulled me over to his car.  I was not really allowed to walk properly; it was more like he kept me at an odd angle and went fast so I could not get a footing.  He sat me in the front seat and locked the door and shut it.  Now I was sitting on my hands and that hurt and he had his heater blowing full blast and I started to cry.  This was all very scary and he seemed out of his mind and I could not think of what to do but to sit there and cry.  So I did.

He went back and started searching my car.  He dumped out my purse, emptied the glove box and center counsel.  He popped open the hatch and went through the back of my car as well.   He searched under the seat and pulled Zoe’s picture ID out of my wallet.  This went on for what seemed like an eternity.  Meanwhile I’m thinking my station wagon with car seat in the back surely does not look like I’m packing drugs or illegal stuff so this guy is just out of his mind.  I felt so violated by this man I had never met before who was touching all my personal stuff and rooting through my car.

I started to get angry.  This was all so crazy.  Why would this guy feel the need to be such an asshole to me at 7 O CLOCK IN THE MORNING?

He came back to the patrol car and had my cell phone and Zoe’s ID in his hand.  While he was searching my car, he was on his walky talky thing that was on his shoulder so I was pretty sure they were telling him everything they knew about me, my daughter and my car.

He got in the car and reached in back and got some gel hand sanitizer and rubbed his hands with it.  I begged him to turn down the heat as I was cooking to death and he did.  He then got out a card and READ ME MY MIRANDA RIGHTS.  My head was spinning, what the hell is this guy doing?   Why would I need my rights read to me for a tinted window ticket?  The next thing he did was ask me if I had any prior arrests.  By now, I was pretty sure the guy was nuts-o and that anything and everything I said or did would be considered wrong and I was angry and figured I was fucked anyhow so I said “you have the computer, you have the power, you already know so why are you asking me?”

He immediately said something like “that’s it, you’re going down town” and put the car in gear and squealed the tires as he did a violent u-turn on my little narrow road.  I was scared beyond belief.  I still had no idea what he was thinking or doing.  I still wondered if he was a real cop or just a whack job that was going to take me off and kill me.

I continued to sob and all I could think was that my husband was no doubt angry and worried that I was not home yet and wondering what the hell happened.  As we drove I continued to sob and asked him what was happening.  He said he was taking me to the station.  I asked where and he told me the County jail.  I asked why and he said so he could find out who I was.  I suspected that was not the real reason he was hauling me in and I certainly didn’t want to go to the County jail.  That is where they held my son when he was arrested.  I had been there to visit him at least once.  Very bad memories!

It was a long drive and I asked him a few questions in between my fearful sobs.  He told me that nobody has a license and doesn’t have it on them that he was sure I did not have one.  I didn’t think that really made sense since he had a computer and a walky-talky and I assume the records would have told him if I did not have a driver’s license.  Did he think I stole the car in my spandex tights and running shoes at 7 am?

He also explained that getting out of the car was strange behavior.  Now, how many times did I explain to him that I was hot?  Later a friend told me you are not supposed to leave the vehicle.  I did not know that.  I was on my own road and so close to home and overheating so I got out.  If I would have known it was such a bad move I certainly would not have done it.

We got to the jail house and pulled into the Sally Port.  (It has a big sign on it that says Sally Port.) He asked me if I had any hidden weapons on me because he could not pat me down.  I assured him that under my skin tight spandex pants and top was nothing but a spandex sports bra.  He escorted me in and a women officer patted me down.

They then asked me if I was going to “bond out”.  At the time they asked I honestly had no idea what that meant and said “what?”  They acted annoyed, like I was being a smart ass.  I was thinking to myself that they assume everyone is an expert at this shit and knows the drill.  I had never been arrested before how was I supposed to know any of this?  Why can’t they speak plainly and explain to me what is going on!?!?!

They also kept asking me where I worked which I thought was odd.  I still have no idea why.  Then they asked me who my next of kin was.   Again, what are they wanting and why?  I said “you mean who my retirement benefits go to if I die?” They finally said who would pick me up.  I thought…..well hell, why not ask me that then?  So I told them to call my husband.

They then did finger prints and a mug shot.  I know I looked like hell.  I had been out running with no makeup on and then cried for an hour or so……I can only imagine what it looks like.  BTW - They didn’t offer to show it to me.  It makes me ill that I am now “in the system”.

Next they sat me in a 5x5 holding cell.  It was cinder blocks with a big metal door and a stainless steel toilet and sink combo.  There was a concrete ledge to sit on, not a chair.  I sat there and got extremely cold.   Sitting on cold concrete in wet spandex really sucks.  I was bored out of my mind and had no watch to check the time so it seemed like I was there for an eternity.

A few hours later my husband arrived to get me out.  He had the baby in the car and she was a mess.  She had a full diaper and she was not dressed properly, etc.  He told me that first they told him to go to the State Patrol headquarter which he did.  It took a while before they told him I was not there and sent him down town to the City station.  They told him to go out to the County jail.  So they totally gave him the run around.  Plus, he had to go to the grocery store and get milk for the baby since he had not planned on being out for so long and did not pack a diaper bag.  I felt sorry for him and also worried he would be angry at me.  I think the first thing I said to him was “don’t even make me feel worse than I already do!!”

After my husband paid them the $500 bond they made me sign a form.  I read it and it said I was arrested for disobeying a State Patrol Officer!!  This was the first I knew what I was being held for.  I looked at the lady and said I would not sign it (she was behind the bullet proof glass and had slid out in the tray).  She told me I was not allowed to leave if I did not.  I felt so helpless.  Like the guy could do whatever he wanted and I was at his mercy.

When I got to work, I contracted our attorney and she promptly got the whole thing straightened out.  In the end, I paid a $65 ticket for the window tinting, $100 for court costs (I never appeared in court the attorney negotiated it all) and I paid my lawyer $350 to fix it.  She encouraged me to press charges against the officer.  She told me she was confident that he was in the wrong and that some cops are just bad seeds.  I think she just wanted more of my money.  I really don’t trust anybody anymore and was not about to mess with that state patrol officer anymore.