Not too long ago a friend of mine asked me why it has been so much harder to divorce JDK then it was to divorce Monster and Ramone's dad. When I left their dad I knew with out a doubt that I was making the right choice and walked away with no second guessing.
At the time my friend asked me I stammered a bit and gave an answer that was probably long and confusing because I wasn't really sure of the answer.
NOW though.........I can see it as plain as day. It's actually quite simple.
One was an real, honest go at it, the other was always a game.
When I married M&R's dad, we had a normal courtship and wedding. We met, dated a year, fell in love, got engaged, married a year later, then decided to have kids.....very normal (dull if you will). After we had kids I figured out that I was the only adult in the relationship and that he was truly not capable of being the man I needed to spend my life with. He wasn't playing games he just was who he is. (his new wife cares for him like a child of her own.) How could I have not recognized that when we were dating you ask? Well simple, he didn't have kids or a house or a lot of grown up responsibility. And, when he finally did, he just couldn't do them. He was a man child all along but at first I just wrote it off as he was single and fresh out of college and didn't need to be all that grown up yet. I honestly didn't know that all men weren't capable of being responsible grown ups if they chose to be. I was naïve. The point is, we went into our marriage with our eyes wide open, we both gave it our all and in the final analysis it didn't work out. Nothing mysterious there......we were not a good match in the long run. I didn't want to be his mother!
JDK however was a very different story. We dated because we were both bored and had no other suitors to occupy our time. We later got serous because HEY we had a child on the way. We both brought a giant suitcase of issues to the situation. I desperately wanted my daughter to have a father because the biggest regret I had in life was that I did NOT have a father. He didn't want to be tied down but felt it was his duty and ALWAYS resented that he got saddled with a family he didn't choose. His reaction was to be passive aggressive to me and play the "you are not the boss of me" game as hard as he could. He "did the right thing" on the surface and then fought the reality of it in every way he could think of.
It was a fucked up deal from the very beginning and I guess we both always knew that. So the real question always was "what if we both actually tried to love each other and make this a good marriage?"
Sadly we never got to answer that question. I think toward the end (maybe because he sensed I had checked out) he was ready to try harder to do the right thing meanwhile I was so over trying. In the beginning when I wanted so badly to make it all work he was too busy being resentful to really have an honest relationship with me.
At the end of the day I can tell you from experience that marriage is hard no matter what but it is damn near impossible when you start from such a bad place ...........AND............leaving a partner for another person is a shitty way to leave because ultimately it makes it damn near impossible to ever fully resolve the marriage issues which would be a better solution for everyone involved if it could be done.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Friday, July 18, 2014
Viscous Cycle
This week Husband and I have been fighting a lot. We exchanged a lot of emails during the day (at work) and he was angry, bitter and snapping at me as I tried to have rational discussions.
He was rewriting history which really hacks me off. Like now he says I never tried to understand him and I was so self-centered….this to the co-dependent. That he wanted to talk but I was too busy talking about myself to listen. He is out of his mind! I would have flown to the mood to hear him talk.
I asked him what the house appraised for and he said $305. I said “told ya”… and of course he took it as me being shitty when all I meant was “good my estimate was right”. (I know I am not always as tactful as I could be.) Then he told me how I took advantage of him on the house deal because I knew how much he wanted it. Whatever.
At one point today I told him that we were not being productive so we should end the conversation. I was actually doing a good job at not getting emotionally sucked in and I was trying to honor his ever pervasive wish that our conversations be positive ones. He said that he knew he was angry but maybe needed to just get it out. He said I wanted openness and honesty so he was laying it on me.
You know what? I respect that. I am glad he was letting it all hang out. I didn’t feel like he was *playing* a game or trying to manipulate me. I felt like he was just being a dick. I can handle dick. I can’t handle shifty shady man.
Today the subject of trust in the marriage came up. He said he knew I never did trust him. And then it occurred to me that there is a very SIMPLE reason that I never did trust him…the real root of ALL our problems. So I sent him this email:
ME: “Ironically I didn’t trust you because we didn’t have these types of “frank” conversations when I lived with you. I always felt like the truth was off limits so the truth must be something I don’t want to hear. If it wasn’t BAD then why would it be off limits?”
HUSBAND: “I agree and understand. I wish I would have been ready to talk more then. I always had nothing but the best intentions and it hurt me that you never trusted me. Vicious cycle.”
Everything else in our marriage was a symptom of this one very real problem. We never communicated with each other. We never could have real, honest, open conversation about anything. If I tried to start such a conversation he deflected or ran away or just got mad and shut down. (because he didn't trust me!?) He would have none of it. If he did actually participate in a discussion it was an act, a subtle dance with words where he would say what he thought he should say or say what would net him some result he was after. It was never just a real person with real feeling spilling their guts.
He says he was afraid of me getting too emotional and that is why he acted that way. The crazy shit is, I was mostly just upset because he wouldn’t really talk to me. It WAS a viscous cycle.
He was rewriting history which really hacks me off. Like now he says I never tried to understand him and I was so self-centered….this to the co-dependent. That he wanted to talk but I was too busy talking about myself to listen. He is out of his mind! I would have flown to the mood to hear him talk.
I asked him what the house appraised for and he said $305. I said “told ya”… and of course he took it as me being shitty when all I meant was “good my estimate was right”. (I know I am not always as tactful as I could be.) Then he told me how I took advantage of him on the house deal because I knew how much he wanted it. Whatever.
At one point today I told him that we were not being productive so we should end the conversation. I was actually doing a good job at not getting emotionally sucked in and I was trying to honor his ever pervasive wish that our conversations be positive ones. He said that he knew he was angry but maybe needed to just get it out. He said I wanted openness and honesty so he was laying it on me.
You know what? I respect that. I am glad he was letting it all hang out. I didn’t feel like he was *playing* a game or trying to manipulate me. I felt like he was just being a dick. I can handle dick. I can’t handle shifty shady man.
Today the subject of trust in the marriage came up. He said he knew I never did trust him. And then it occurred to me that there is a very SIMPLE reason that I never did trust him…the real root of ALL our problems. So I sent him this email:
ME: “Ironically I didn’t trust you because we didn’t have these types of “frank” conversations when I lived with you. I always felt like the truth was off limits so the truth must be something I don’t want to hear. If it wasn’t BAD then why would it be off limits?”
HUSBAND: “I agree and understand. I wish I would have been ready to talk more then. I always had nothing but the best intentions and it hurt me that you never trusted me. Vicious cycle.”
Everything else in our marriage was a symptom of this one very real problem. We never communicated with each other. We never could have real, honest, open conversation about anything. If I tried to start such a conversation he deflected or ran away or just got mad and shut down. (because he didn't trust me!?) He would have none of it. If he did actually participate in a discussion it was an act, a subtle dance with words where he would say what he thought he should say or say what would net him some result he was after. It was never just a real person with real feeling spilling their guts.
He says he was afraid of me getting too emotional and that is why he acted that way. The crazy shit is, I was mostly just upset because he wouldn’t really talk to me. It WAS a viscous cycle.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Email from Husband
"The start of our relationship is such a minefield.
I’m sorry for all that.
I did grow to love and respect you. I realized how very much I had come to respect you only after you left me.
Although you have your warts…..you are an amazing woman.
I’m sorry for taking you for granted."
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Normal - Grateful
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| Easter Loot |
For some reason lately I read Chump Lady a lot. I read every single day, sometimes for hours on end reading all the comments. I am not sure why I am drawn to reading it all. Could it just be I am bored with my job and killing time? Or maybe it makes me feel less alone in the world to know that other people are going through tough times and the end of a marriage (or at least the end of a dream of what they wanted in their marriage).
I noticed the other day that I was even feeling a bit guilty. I had this odd feeling that I missed my husband, being married and I was a bad person for leaving. No doubt reading a cheaters forum obsessively was getting to me. Then I thought about it some more and realized that NOT talking to him and not living with him and not being around him at all has already made me forget how hard it was to be in a relationship with him. It is like the negative has floated away and the dream has filled the open space again. The good times keep whispering in my ear. I fully believe this is part of me just feeling normal and not feeling persecuted. I am not depressed or triggered so I am remembering the good times and feeling optimistic about life in general. I am reflecting on my marriage as if it were a normal *real* marriage; which it wasn’t.
I also think I have realized that I never trusted him (and he never trusted me) right from the start and no matter how long we were together we never got past that. Maybe it was totally ridiculous to ever think that over time we could learn to trust each other. Probably once trust is gone it is very rare that it would ever be regained. And we never had it to start with so *regain* is the wrong word. I don’t think husband was actively cheating on me after we were married, but the fact that he did for the first couple years of our relationship set the tone. He gave up the other women grudgingly (maybe it was her choice not his?) and never wanted to be married to me so he tried very hard to *feel* single. Which is just not going to make for a good healthy relationship now is it?
I gave STBX the divorce papers about a month ago and he baulked at reading them for weeks. He finally said he did look at them but then procrastinated about actually discussing any of it with me. He has pretty much been NC with me since I moved out which may be what is best for both of us at this point. Last week I did decide to force discussion about the divorce papers. I would like to get this over with sooner than later. We exchanged a few emails and I quickly became nervous and annoyed. He just has a way of being exacerbating. He throws in comments that are meant to sound nice…but sound contrived. He asks the same questions over and over again. He acts like he doesn’t understand things but I know he does. It is all passive aggressive BS that makes me crazy. I assume he is stalling for some reason he hasn’t told me. The shady evasive stuff makes me nuts and I really won’t feel safe until this divorce is DONE.
The biggest issue with the divorce is the possibility that one of us might move away. He wants to put it in the papers that we can’t move away from here until she is 18. I told him that I might very well lose my job soon and that I might have to move in order to find employment. He said it would break his heart to not see his daughter regularly. I understand that it is not ideal but we need to be realistic, we both need to have jobs and an income. I asked who would pay my bills if I can’t find a new job here in this small town with limited options. He has no good answer. Besides, I am sure in no time he will find a new lady friend (if he hasn’t already) and he will not be as worried about seeing his daughter as he is right now. At this point I think it is just a phase....it makes him look like a normal caring father. But, mark my words, he will get used to being single and feel stifled by her. It’s not like he ever really enjoyed spending time with her. When we lived together I always had to force him to spend time with her. Anyhow……..I refuse to let him control my financial future so we are at an impasse on that subject. Thankfully most of the other items in the divorce papers we have agreed upon.
***just re-read that last paragraph and realized the main reason he wants her is so he doesn't have to pay child support. He is surely trying to be the attentive parent so he will look good on paper and thus avoid the cost of paying for her rather than giving her his time which will be easier to weasel out of later***
Speaking of employment woes it is getting pretty scary here. My company is having terrible cash flow issues. Right now I do not have the money to fund this week’s payroll. I am just praying that a check comes in tomorrow. Also, I just completed my first pass at last year’s financial statements and we lost about $1 million dollars. Not good. At the same time Kevin just found out that his company is getting sold to a big nationwide company in the next month or so. It is possible we will both be out of a job! We do have a plan which gives me some comfort. If either of us loses our jobs, I will sublet my super lovely little house and move in with him. His house payment is only $300 per month so it would be a LONG time before we would end up homeless at that rate. I am so very grateful to have Kevin in my life.
Lately I am very thankful that STBX values being in emotional control so much that he has not done anything stupid or dramatic. He is not showing up at my house to make a scene nor is he ranting at me in anger when no one is looking. (Or maybe he is just happy with me gone.) Chump Lady had a post about Nice vs. Kind LINK HERE which sums him up perfectly. And actually being nice at this point isn’t ALL bad. He is nice but there is no substance behind it. He tells people what they want to hear but doesn’t mean anything he says. He will agree to do something but have no intention of ever doing it. It is not a trait that I like; someone who is all show and no substance, but many people think he is a nice guy. However, the only thing STBX really cares about it pleasing himself as much as possible by either eliminating other people who may make demands on him or figuring out how to get others to do his bidding thus making his life easier or better. In fact last Saturday he had a babysitter watch our daughter for a good chunk of the day and that is the only day she is with him. She comes back to me Saturday evening through Monday morning.
In the past week or two I have made small gestured towards the STBX in an attempt to be friendly; like send him pictures of our daughter via text. Probably partly out of guilt and partly just because I really am a nice person who wants to be kind to others and have them like me. AND because he did tell me about 100 times before I moved out that he very much wanted us to be friends. WELL...he has ignored all of my attempts to chat or be friendly, which I at first found baffling. I mean if he wants to be friends as he told me before, then why choose to ignore me when I do reach out to him? Then, if I really think about it I understand that he believes there is nothing for him to gain at this point so why bother. No doubt the only reason he ever wanted to speak to me before I moved out was because he hoped he could parley it into a sexual encounter or maybe win me over enough to give him a break on the house price or child support ….or leave the book shelves for him (which I did...so it worked!).
Even though I know he does NOT think like me at all I still struggle to get past assuming he will react in a way that makes sense to me. I don’t know why it is so hard for me to grasp that he does not function in a way that is meaningful to me.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Marriage Counselors
Over at chumplady.com the discussion today is about therapist. Oh boy do I have a lot to say on this subject. But first, I had to cut and paste this comment because it made me laugh and it is so true. This woman was telling about her wonderful therapist. (I read Chump Lady all day long!! the comments were engrossing.)
“She helped me see how strong I am. I’m a smart woman and I didn’t need to take his shit anymore. She was WONDERFUL! I don’t need a therapist anymore. My problem wasn’t me. It was the piece of excrement I was holding on to like he was a prize! He was just a piece of stinking shit!”
This part >>> “My problem wasn’t me. It was the piece of excrement I was holding on to like he was a prize!” <<< this is the line that really grabs me….although I don’t think my husband is THAT bad, the fact remains, why did I hang on for so long when it was hurting me so much?
Last year I got into therapy. It was my new year’s resolution. I went to see a great marriage counselor who I would totally recommend to any couple that is having some issues and needs some help getting back on track. (On a side note he is just a great person….I really like George.) But, for me, and the situation I was in, it was not a good fit. You see, George is of the mind set that you have to save the marriage at all costs! He would take every single little piece of positive information and hold it up and say “well things are getting better!” as a way to encourage me to keep trying to make my marriage work. I told him all about how my husband cheated on me when we were dating, how he was reluctant to commit for years, how he always acted secretive and was not always honest with me. I told him enough that he should have really questioned my husband’s motives. I told him enough about how our marriage hurt me that he should have at least entertained the idea that it was not working for me and maybe it couldn’t be saved. But, even to the very end, when I told him we were getting a divorce and my husband had admitted to not being in love with me, George still thought divorce was the WRONG option. WTH!?!
The truth is that when you live in a situation where you constantly get mixed messages and your opinion/feelings are not valued, you do get a little crazy. Husband said he loved me but he didn’t. Husband married but he didn’t want to be married to me. Husband would agree that we should talk more (because he knew that is what I wanted) but then go to great lengths to be sure it didn’t happen or if it did he would be sure it wasn't pleasant so I wouldn’t want to do it again anytime soon. Husband agreed we should do more together as a couple (again because I pushed for it) yet all my attempts at planning and executing such things were met with great resistance or even a last minute change of plans so it didn’t happen.
But…back to the discussion on therapist…back in April 2011 Husband I went to a marriage counselor together. (READ OLD POST HERE) I remember breaking down in tears of joy that he was willing to go. To me that meant something, to me that meant he cared enough to put forth some effort to make things better. I had high hopes that it would make a difference and maybe for once he would hear me and things would change. Instead he came in there week after week and sat there and told the therapist what he thought she wanted to hear and acted like he hadn’t a clue that I was unhappy and was eager to be a good husband. Then he would leave and sulk all week because I said I didn’t like something and he was so hurt by that comment. Really he was just manipulating the situation so it would turn into the “don’t hurt Husband’s feeling show” instead of the let’s get serious about fixing issues. He really didn’t want to fix things he just wanted to get me off his back. His goal all through our marriage was do as he pleases as much as possible (pretend he is single) and that involved keeping me happy on some level so I would leave him alone.
I know he has some regrets now because as he says “he is sorry to be losing his family” but truth of the matter is I deserve a husband that loves me and treats me with respect and I do not feel guilty at all for ending this 7+ year fiasco that both of us created out of our own insecurities and misguided desires. Husband, by his own admission, never wanted me, I just made it too easy for him.
As I look back over my marriage the thing I regret the most is even getting married. I wish I had been smart enough and self-confident enough to walk away when every step was a struggle. I really thought, back then, that if we got “over the hump” we would make a go of it. I really thought that if two decent people care for each other they can make a marriage work and make it good. I really didn’t realize the extent of his reluctance to be there because he didn’t come out and profess it. Instead it just seeped in around the edges all the time and ate away at my gut so I never felt “right”. It is too bat that my parents trained to me to put up with a lot of bullshit like that and not have higher expectations in life.
“She helped me see how strong I am. I’m a smart woman and I didn’t need to take his shit anymore. She was WONDERFUL! I don’t need a therapist anymore. My problem wasn’t me. It was the piece of excrement I was holding on to like he was a prize! He was just a piece of stinking shit!”
This part >>> “My problem wasn’t me. It was the piece of excrement I was holding on to like he was a prize!” <<< this is the line that really grabs me….although I don’t think my husband is THAT bad, the fact remains, why did I hang on for so long when it was hurting me so much?
Last year I got into therapy. It was my new year’s resolution. I went to see a great marriage counselor who I would totally recommend to any couple that is having some issues and needs some help getting back on track. (On a side note he is just a great person….I really like George.) But, for me, and the situation I was in, it was not a good fit. You see, George is of the mind set that you have to save the marriage at all costs! He would take every single little piece of positive information and hold it up and say “well things are getting better!” as a way to encourage me to keep trying to make my marriage work. I told him all about how my husband cheated on me when we were dating, how he was reluctant to commit for years, how he always acted secretive and was not always honest with me. I told him enough that he should have really questioned my husband’s motives. I told him enough about how our marriage hurt me that he should have at least entertained the idea that it was not working for me and maybe it couldn’t be saved. But, even to the very end, when I told him we were getting a divorce and my husband had admitted to not being in love with me, George still thought divorce was the WRONG option. WTH!?!
The truth is that when you live in a situation where you constantly get mixed messages and your opinion/feelings are not valued, you do get a little crazy. Husband said he loved me but he didn’t. Husband married but he didn’t want to be married to me. Husband would agree that we should talk more (because he knew that is what I wanted) but then go to great lengths to be sure it didn’t happen or if it did he would be sure it wasn't pleasant so I wouldn’t want to do it again anytime soon. Husband agreed we should do more together as a couple (again because I pushed for it) yet all my attempts at planning and executing such things were met with great resistance or even a last minute change of plans so it didn’t happen.
But…back to the discussion on therapist…back in April 2011 Husband I went to a marriage counselor together. (READ OLD POST HERE) I remember breaking down in tears of joy that he was willing to go. To me that meant something, to me that meant he cared enough to put forth some effort to make things better. I had high hopes that it would make a difference and maybe for once he would hear me and things would change. Instead he came in there week after week and sat there and told the therapist what he thought she wanted to hear and acted like he hadn’t a clue that I was unhappy and was eager to be a good husband. Then he would leave and sulk all week because I said I didn’t like something and he was so hurt by that comment. Really he was just manipulating the situation so it would turn into the “don’t hurt Husband’s feeling show” instead of the let’s get serious about fixing issues. He really didn’t want to fix things he just wanted to get me off his back. His goal all through our marriage was do as he pleases as much as possible (pretend he is single) and that involved keeping me happy on some level so I would leave him alone.
I know he has some regrets now because as he says “he is sorry to be losing his family” but truth of the matter is I deserve a husband that loves me and treats me with respect and I do not feel guilty at all for ending this 7+ year fiasco that both of us created out of our own insecurities and misguided desires. Husband, by his own admission, never wanted me, I just made it too easy for him.
As I look back over my marriage the thing I regret the most is even getting married. I wish I had been smart enough and self-confident enough to walk away when every step was a struggle. I really thought, back then, that if we got “over the hump” we would make a go of it. I really thought that if two decent people care for each other they can make a marriage work and make it good. I really didn’t realize the extent of his reluctance to be there because he didn’t come out and profess it. Instead it just seeped in around the edges all the time and ate away at my gut so I never felt “right”. It is too bat that my parents trained to me to put up with a lot of bullshit like that and not have higher expectations in life.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
The Fun Never Stops
Yesterday (Monday) morning I took my 6 year old to work with me. Her school takes off the whole week of Thanksgiving. At noon we went home, I fed her lunch and then we laid down so she would take a nap. Right on queue her father arrived at 1 pm and I left him in charge of sleeping beauty and returned to work. After work I ran to the grocery store to pick up a few items and headed home. When I got there both of them were gone. I assumed they went to the gym so he could work out. I also assumed they would be home shortly.
By 8 they were still not home and I was bored silly sitting there by myself. I dozed off watching Antique Road Show on PBS. If I had known they would not be home all evening I would have left and gone shopping or visited friends or something! I absolutely hate “wasting” my time sitting around the house alone waiting.
Why didn’t I call him you wonder? Well I would have but he rarely if ever answers the phone. I just don’t call anymore after getting his voice mail 99% of the time over the past 7 years. He never calls me either….some sort of unwritten rule?!?!
Reflecting more….if I had called and he had answered the phone and I had asked where he was, he would have rushed home to dump the kid on me anyway and then he would have scooted off to do his own selfish thing. So I guess that is really why I didn’t call.
They finally got home at 9 and I tried to watch the news with a squirming kid in bed with me. She finally fell asleep around 10 and I transferred her to her bed. Husband was fast asleep so I went right back to sleep. Around 11 I was awakened by the sound of him getting up for a snack. This is not unusual for him.
Then over the next few hours, he woke me more than once from a fairly sound sleep by “convulsing” in bed. I am not sure what he was doing; adjusting his pillows, rolling over, pouting? I have no idea. All I know is that the bed jerks violently and it wakes me up. Since I am a middle aged woman falling back to sleep is not always easy. Eventually I retreated to my basement bed so I could sleep.
Never in my life did I think I would be the one to run and sleep in another room. Historically I am the cozy sleeper who WANTS to cuddle all night long. Usually just feeling that person next to me makes me happy. Hearing him breath is usually a sound that gives me peace and comfort. Once I dated a guy that was a big snorer and I toughed it out and stayed in bed to be with him. BUT now, here I am, happy to go to my own bed. It’s so sad really.
My point is this: I try to be a good wife and mother but it always seems that I am fighting an uphill battle. This all just seems wrong to me on every level. I want a normal relationship where THIS is not how my typical Monday night goes.
==============================
This morning I go to the 5:30 morning run. It’s what I do EVERY Tuesday morning. I had already decided I was only going to run 4 miles because I needed to get home and let hubby go to the gym.
I get to the run and as we are all gathering I say hi to Tater. Then Uwe walks up and pets my dog. (My dog and Uwe are in love with each other in some really perverse and deep way.)
Next I am standing there just waiting for my running buddy Meghan to show up and not really paying attention to Uwe (you know why) and I hear Uwe tell Tater “oh yeah…we are spinning every Monday night. Didn’t you get the e-mail? I am sure you were on the list.”
Let me explain: I belong to a multisport club. This is my primary social activity. There are supposed to be group activities that everyone is invited to but instead the club tends to break into clicks. Well, I WAS in the same “click” as Tater and Uwe until Uwe decided to be a dick to me.
I heard this and it totally triggered me. I walked over and said to the both of them in a rather pissed off voice. “I didn’t know there was a group spinning deal every Monday….guess I was not invited…thanks for nothing!!” I then turned and walked off. Uwe yelled after me that it was only for the Iron Man training people. I just started running out front of the group. FUCK THEM ALL.
So I didn’t sign up for an Iron man because:
a) I have a life
b) I have a family
c) I don’t need to be an IM to feel I am important, etc. BUT…I would really like to think my friends might include me in there indoor biking fun. Then again I am not surprised. He basically pushed me out of the group all summer so I am just not in like I used to be.
(doesn’t all this shit sound like junior high bullshit!?!?!)
It also pissed me off extra bad because, last winter AND the winter before I wanted to do a spinning thing at Uwe’s house because it is centrally located and he has a lot of room in his large finished basement of his split level home. I even bought a DVD player so we could set it up. He was on board BUT then he balked at the whole deal so it never happened. I think he was just being lazy. NOW that I am not around, they are all congregating at his place and not telling me shit about it.
Obviously still hurt by his rejection and the bigger picture is still working on self-esteem issues where being needed and belonging will not be so important to me.
I wouldn’t go to his house anyway so why do I bother to get my feathers ruffled?
My first mile of that run was really fast (stress can be a great motivator) but almost as soon as I got out on the dark trail alone I regretted my outburst and felt stupid. I am really sick of feeling like my life is just out of control!
By 8 they were still not home and I was bored silly sitting there by myself. I dozed off watching Antique Road Show on PBS. If I had known they would not be home all evening I would have left and gone shopping or visited friends or something! I absolutely hate “wasting” my time sitting around the house alone waiting.
Why didn’t I call him you wonder? Well I would have but he rarely if ever answers the phone. I just don’t call anymore after getting his voice mail 99% of the time over the past 7 years. He never calls me either….some sort of unwritten rule?!?!
Reflecting more….if I had called and he had answered the phone and I had asked where he was, he would have rushed home to dump the kid on me anyway and then he would have scooted off to do his own selfish thing. So I guess that is really why I didn’t call.
They finally got home at 9 and I tried to watch the news with a squirming kid in bed with me. She finally fell asleep around 10 and I transferred her to her bed. Husband was fast asleep so I went right back to sleep. Around 11 I was awakened by the sound of him getting up for a snack. This is not unusual for him.
Then over the next few hours, he woke me more than once from a fairly sound sleep by “convulsing” in bed. I am not sure what he was doing; adjusting his pillows, rolling over, pouting? I have no idea. All I know is that the bed jerks violently and it wakes me up. Since I am a middle aged woman falling back to sleep is not always easy. Eventually I retreated to my basement bed so I could sleep.
Never in my life did I think I would be the one to run and sleep in another room. Historically I am the cozy sleeper who WANTS to cuddle all night long. Usually just feeling that person next to me makes me happy. Hearing him breath is usually a sound that gives me peace and comfort. Once I dated a guy that was a big snorer and I toughed it out and stayed in bed to be with him. BUT now, here I am, happy to go to my own bed. It’s so sad really.
My point is this: I try to be a good wife and mother but it always seems that I am fighting an uphill battle. This all just seems wrong to me on every level. I want a normal relationship where THIS is not how my typical Monday night goes.
==============================
This morning I go to the 5:30 morning run. It’s what I do EVERY Tuesday morning. I had already decided I was only going to run 4 miles because I needed to get home and let hubby go to the gym.
I get to the run and as we are all gathering I say hi to Tater. Then Uwe walks up and pets my dog. (My dog and Uwe are in love with each other in some really perverse and deep way.)
Next I am standing there just waiting for my running buddy Meghan to show up and not really paying attention to Uwe (you know why) and I hear Uwe tell Tater “oh yeah…we are spinning every Monday night. Didn’t you get the e-mail? I am sure you were on the list.”
Let me explain: I belong to a multisport club. This is my primary social activity. There are supposed to be group activities that everyone is invited to but instead the club tends to break into clicks. Well, I WAS in the same “click” as Tater and Uwe until Uwe decided to be a dick to me.
I heard this and it totally triggered me. I walked over and said to the both of them in a rather pissed off voice. “I didn’t know there was a group spinning deal every Monday….guess I was not invited…thanks for nothing!!” I then turned and walked off. Uwe yelled after me that it was only for the Iron Man training people. I just started running out front of the group. FUCK THEM ALL.
So I didn’t sign up for an Iron man because:
a) I have a life
b) I have a family
c) I don’t need to be an IM to feel I am important, etc. BUT…I would really like to think my friends might include me in there indoor biking fun. Then again I am not surprised. He basically pushed me out of the group all summer so I am just not in like I used to be.
(doesn’t all this shit sound like junior high bullshit!?!?!)
It also pissed me off extra bad because, last winter AND the winter before I wanted to do a spinning thing at Uwe’s house because it is centrally located and he has a lot of room in his large finished basement of his split level home. I even bought a DVD player so we could set it up. He was on board BUT then he balked at the whole deal so it never happened. I think he was just being lazy. NOW that I am not around, they are all congregating at his place and not telling me shit about it.
Obviously still hurt by his rejection and the bigger picture is still working on self-esteem issues where being needed and belonging will not be so important to me.
I wouldn’t go to his house anyway so why do I bother to get my feathers ruffled?
My first mile of that run was really fast (stress can be a great motivator) but almost as soon as I got out on the dark trail alone I regretted my outburst and felt stupid. I am really sick of feeling like my life is just out of control!
Friday, November 15, 2013
Quick Update
Last night I spent 3 hours with KP. We just talked and held each other close. It’s almost weird how comfortable and close we feel to each other. It is also very nice; I mean who doesn’t want to feel safe and excepted?
We also talk on the phone a lot. I mean like hours a day. I always enjoy talking to him. He has a knack for being honest, caring and boiling my crazy thoughts down to simple concepts. I can’t tell you how many times he says “well I think it’s like this……” and then I think “that is IT exactly!” Let’s just say we get each other. I know, I know….still all very new but hey, I am enjoying it.
I figured out why I felt so bad after I left Georges office yesterday. It is because he makes me feel like my marriage is more important than me. He is in “save the marriage at all costs” mode. I am at the point where I feel the marriage is harming me and I wish we could actually discuss that possibility. I really would like an objective person to help me with my logic. I am obviously not in a position to really think clearly and trust my own judgment.
Time to look for a new therapist….again.
Of course, George loved the idea of asking husband for 2 hours a week. I plan on discussing it with him tonight. I expect he will agree to the idea whole heartedly but then figure out a way to weasel out of it later. George says I should NOT let him weasel. I am to tell Husband “you agreed to do this and I need you to follow through and I need to know that when you agree to something you mean it”. I do wish I could summon George to help me with ALL conversation with my husband!
Did I tell you I saw my mom last week? I stopped by there on my way to the airport. (I took a mini vacation to NYC last weekend.) I arrived at her house, grabbed a snack and sat down to visit with her. We quickly ran out of things to say and felt uncomfortable so I went ahead and left for the airport a little early. It makes me sad that I don't have "real" parents. What do you think I did with my extra time at the airport?? Well talk to KP on my phone of course.
Well poop, I have to get to work. I do have a job and for the next few months it is going to be busy.
I will keep trying to post daily if it is at all possible.
We also talk on the phone a lot. I mean like hours a day. I always enjoy talking to him. He has a knack for being honest, caring and boiling my crazy thoughts down to simple concepts. I can’t tell you how many times he says “well I think it’s like this……” and then I think “that is IT exactly!” Let’s just say we get each other. I know, I know….still all very new but hey, I am enjoying it.
I figured out why I felt so bad after I left Georges office yesterday. It is because he makes me feel like my marriage is more important than me. He is in “save the marriage at all costs” mode. I am at the point where I feel the marriage is harming me and I wish we could actually discuss that possibility. I really would like an objective person to help me with my logic. I am obviously not in a position to really think clearly and trust my own judgment.
Time to look for a new therapist….again.
Of course, George loved the idea of asking husband for 2 hours a week. I plan on discussing it with him tonight. I expect he will agree to the idea whole heartedly but then figure out a way to weasel out of it later. George says I should NOT let him weasel. I am to tell Husband “you agreed to do this and I need you to follow through and I need to know that when you agree to something you mean it”. I do wish I could summon George to help me with ALL conversation with my husband!
Did I tell you I saw my mom last week? I stopped by there on my way to the airport. (I took a mini vacation to NYC last weekend.) I arrived at her house, grabbed a snack and sat down to visit with her. We quickly ran out of things to say and felt uncomfortable so I went ahead and left for the airport a little early. It makes me sad that I don't have "real" parents. What do you think I did with my extra time at the airport?? Well talk to KP on my phone of course.
Well poop, I have to get to work. I do have a job and for the next few months it is going to be busy.
I will keep trying to post daily if it is at all possible.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Procrastination and Navel Gazing
For the last month and a half I have been goofing off at work. I just find it so hard to take any of it seriously when the company is just going broke day by day. It all seems so futile.
AND I have been spending tons of time fussing about the end of my friendship with Uwe, my failing marriage and my “scary” relationship with KP. These three men and my kids have been sucking up almost all my thoughts.
Oh and I read a few books on child abuse.
Finally it has all caught up with me!!
As of right this minute:
1) My husband is pissed at me and we are starting to really annoy each the hell out of each other. I am tired of tip toeing around him and I know he is going to be pissed if I just let myself go. Things are fixing to get really ugly folks. But honestly I can’t keep living with someone who I am not allowed to speak to freely.
2) I have a huge work project that is due NOW (just found out, but knew it was coming). I have put the dead line off until next Wednesday. I have no business typing this blog right now because I should be working. If I have to work this weekend my husband is going to be super pissed off because it is deer season here.
AND we just switched banks and there is a ton of stuff I need to do ASAP related to that.
3) My dog has fleas and I feel like it’s a losing battle. Vet says to give it 3 months. So for three months I don’t take my dog away from home? She usually goes everywhere with me. AND… I can’t take her to KPs house with fleas because his dog will get them. Pain in the ass!
4) I think, finally, Uwe and I are not speaking and it is going to stick. Please o please let this heart ache just be over.
5) I am worried about Friss.
6) My 6 year old has been crabby and demanding and both my husband and I are 100% out of patience and not sure what to do about it. (Someone send me a nanny!)
7) I had a fender bender the other day and need to get my car fixed but I don’t have any time or energy to deal with it.
8) I am so tired……..I want to just go to sleep until spring.
9) Saw George today and left in tears. Tired of talking about my husband. It’s a waste of time to go to a marriage therapist at this point.
10) and Christmas is coming and I should start planning for that. You know, start buying gifts, think about putting up a tree. OMG I am not ready for winter or the holidays! I want to run away and hide from the real world so badly!
AND I have been spending tons of time fussing about the end of my friendship with Uwe, my failing marriage and my “scary” relationship with KP. These three men and my kids have been sucking up almost all my thoughts.
Oh and I read a few books on child abuse.
Finally it has all caught up with me!!
As of right this minute:
1) My husband is pissed at me and we are starting to really annoy each the hell out of each other. I am tired of tip toeing around him and I know he is going to be pissed if I just let myself go. Things are fixing to get really ugly folks. But honestly I can’t keep living with someone who I am not allowed to speak to freely.
2) I have a huge work project that is due NOW (just found out, but knew it was coming). I have put the dead line off until next Wednesday. I have no business typing this blog right now because I should be working. If I have to work this weekend my husband is going to be super pissed off because it is deer season here.
AND we just switched banks and there is a ton of stuff I need to do ASAP related to that.
3) My dog has fleas and I feel like it’s a losing battle. Vet says to give it 3 months. So for three months I don’t take my dog away from home? She usually goes everywhere with me. AND… I can’t take her to KPs house with fleas because his dog will get them. Pain in the ass!
4) I think, finally, Uwe and I are not speaking and it is going to stick. Please o please let this heart ache just be over.
5) I am worried about Friss.
6) My 6 year old has been crabby and demanding and both my husband and I are 100% out of patience and not sure what to do about it. (Someone send me a nanny!)
7) I had a fender bender the other day and need to get my car fixed but I don’t have any time or energy to deal with it.
8) I am so tired……..I want to just go to sleep until spring.
9) Saw George today and left in tears. Tired of talking about my husband. It’s a waste of time to go to a marriage therapist at this point.
10) and Christmas is coming and I should start planning for that. You know, start buying gifts, think about putting up a tree. OMG I am not ready for winter or the holidays! I want to run away and hide from the real world so badly!
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Deer Hunting
I think it would be very good for me to blog daily. I need to set aside a time slot and just get things down on paper. I need to worry less about content and more about quantity. I can always review my notes later to extract what was actually important. But if I don’t write anything down then there is no record at all and right now there is so much going on that I really need to capture.
This morning I have been trying to get in touch with my feelings. At this point I just feel anger…loads of raging anger. Anger that I can’t really talk to my husband; anger that my boss won’t make real changes to our company so that it is no longer losing money; anger about what is happening to Friss; anger that I just feel overwhelmed almost all of the time.
I know that anger hurts only me. I get that. BUT how do I let go of it? How do I change my outlook?
I think my husband means well. I think he is pitiful and ridiculous but he IS trying to be nice. I wish I could be more open and accepting and patient with him. Instead my mind pretty much keeps thinking “after 7 years of this I am just so fucking over it! Why didn’t you give a shit a year ago?”
I know he senses me being more and more detached and it is concerning him so he is starting to be more interested in our relationship. Isn’t that how it goes? They perk up about the time you give up!
He was pissing me off this morning before the sun was even up!
For the last month of so my husband has been gearing up for deer season. He has lubed and sighted his riffle, de-scented his clothes, put out corn, checked his wildlife camera weekly, etc. etc. This morning I asked him what the schedule for this coming weekend is. I wanted to discuss what he needed and wanted to do this weekend regarding hunting and I had planned to ask him to set aside 2 hours of time for just me.
That’s right, overnight I decided I would just say “give me two hours”. I don’t want to have an activity planned I want to spend two hours just “being” together. No TV and no kid. She can go to a sitter, take a nap or watch a movie. My logic is as follows…. If we set aside 2 hours a week to be together we will either get closer and things will improve or it will prove to me that we are out of options and I can “give up” with a clear conscience. In fact, if I know him, he will probably happily agree and then weasel out it.
Me: So what is the plan for the weekend?
Husband: Oh I don’t have any plans.
Me: what about deer hunting?
Husband: Well, I don’t need to go hunting. If you have stuff you need to do that is fine. (PA translation….I will behave like a door mat and give you the opportunity to put yourself before me so in the long run I can hold it over your head. I won’t address you as an equal adult or someone I want to spend my weekend with…no instead we will play this game.)
Me: so are you hoping a deer with throw itself on our porch?
I actually left the room at this point because I knew I would not be nice if I stayed.
After I calmed myself I returned.
Me: I thought you wanted to go hunting?
Husband: Yes I do.
Me: what time would you like to go?
Husband: before light.
Me: so is that like 3 am or 5 am? Can you be more specific?
Husband: I want to be in the deer stand by 5:30 am.
Me thinking to myself: Jesus Fuck why can’t you just say that!
Me: and when will you be done for the morning?
Husband: should be back by 9.
Me: and dusk….I assume if you don’t get one you will want to go out again at dusk?
Husband: yes
Me: so about 5:30 till 9 pm?
Husband: yes
UGH!! Why do I have to pry every damn word out of him!?!??
I want a healthy relationship with my significant other and I want it sooner than later. I cannot keep this crap up much longer. It is exhausting and I am tired of it.
I want to get back to where I was before my life exploded in 2001/2002 and feel like a regular person leading a normal life. I am soooo tired of feeling broken and “off track”.
I keep reading books; lots of really good books, by great authors with fantastic and relevant information in them. BUT I still don’t know how to take what I read and understand and agree with and make myself actually feel it, live it and do it. Like the whole anger thing. I don’t want to be angry. I realize it is counterproductive. BUT how do I stop????
This morning I have been trying to get in touch with my feelings. At this point I just feel anger…loads of raging anger. Anger that I can’t really talk to my husband; anger that my boss won’t make real changes to our company so that it is no longer losing money; anger about what is happening to Friss; anger that I just feel overwhelmed almost all of the time.
I know that anger hurts only me. I get that. BUT how do I let go of it? How do I change my outlook?
I think my husband means well. I think he is pitiful and ridiculous but he IS trying to be nice. I wish I could be more open and accepting and patient with him. Instead my mind pretty much keeps thinking “after 7 years of this I am just so fucking over it! Why didn’t you give a shit a year ago?”
I know he senses me being more and more detached and it is concerning him so he is starting to be more interested in our relationship. Isn’t that how it goes? They perk up about the time you give up!
He was pissing me off this morning before the sun was even up!
For the last month of so my husband has been gearing up for deer season. He has lubed and sighted his riffle, de-scented his clothes, put out corn, checked his wildlife camera weekly, etc. etc. This morning I asked him what the schedule for this coming weekend is. I wanted to discuss what he needed and wanted to do this weekend regarding hunting and I had planned to ask him to set aside 2 hours of time for just me.
That’s right, overnight I decided I would just say “give me two hours”. I don’t want to have an activity planned I want to spend two hours just “being” together. No TV and no kid. She can go to a sitter, take a nap or watch a movie. My logic is as follows…. If we set aside 2 hours a week to be together we will either get closer and things will improve or it will prove to me that we are out of options and I can “give up” with a clear conscience. In fact, if I know him, he will probably happily agree and then weasel out it.
Me: So what is the plan for the weekend?
Husband: Oh I don’t have any plans.
Me: what about deer hunting?
Husband: Well, I don’t need to go hunting. If you have stuff you need to do that is fine. (PA translation….I will behave like a door mat and give you the opportunity to put yourself before me so in the long run I can hold it over your head. I won’t address you as an equal adult or someone I want to spend my weekend with…no instead we will play this game.)
Me: so are you hoping a deer with throw itself on our porch?
I actually left the room at this point because I knew I would not be nice if I stayed.
After I calmed myself I returned.
Me: I thought you wanted to go hunting?
Husband: Yes I do.
Me: what time would you like to go?
Husband: before light.
Me: so is that like 3 am or 5 am? Can you be more specific?
Husband: I want to be in the deer stand by 5:30 am.
Me thinking to myself: Jesus Fuck why can’t you just say that!
Me: and when will you be done for the morning?
Husband: should be back by 9.
Me: and dusk….I assume if you don’t get one you will want to go out again at dusk?
Husband: yes
Me: so about 5:30 till 9 pm?
Husband: yes
UGH!! Why do I have to pry every damn word out of him!?!??
I want a healthy relationship with my significant other and I want it sooner than later. I cannot keep this crap up much longer. It is exhausting and I am tired of it.
I want to get back to where I was before my life exploded in 2001/2002 and feel like a regular person leading a normal life. I am soooo tired of feeling broken and “off track”.
I keep reading books; lots of really good books, by great authors with fantastic and relevant information in them. BUT I still don’t know how to take what I read and understand and agree with and make myself actually feel it, live it and do it. Like the whole anger thing. I don’t want to be angry. I realize it is counterproductive. BUT how do I stop????
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Feeling Paranoid
Mostly, throughout my life, the people I have come into contact with have, in one way or another, duped me into thinking they are nice, kind, souls who actually care about me (on some level) only to have me find out later that they were being deceptive or they had ulterior motives or they were just completely full of shit or, at the very worst, they were just mistaken to be interested in me.
So lately I find that I am feeling hyper vigilant for signs, any signs, that this man who is being so nice to me is just up to no good. That he has a hidden agenda; that one day I will be saying to myself “damn I should have seen that coming!”
If you watch for red flags hard enough you WILL find them!?
And, the few people that never actually fucked me over on purpose were probably guilty of fucking me over by accident; by either being helpless (ex-husband) or needy or selfish (current husband).
Also, at the same time it kind of occurred to me that my husband is not particularly fond of watching our daughter and should we get divorced I am sure that he would not be the kind and helpful ex that happily watches the kid for me so I can go on ski trips with my friends. (need to book if I plan on going in February!) In fact I suspect he will want to get her only when he feels it will cause me the most inconvenience and not the other way around.
I mean really, given his history, I am pretty positive that should I tell him it is over he will feel he has nothing to lose and he will unleash all his nastiness on me. I am fairly confident that his lowest behaviors are lower than my wildest dreams. In other words, he will stop at nothing to make my life living hell.
Next month I have a trip to NYC planned and I am doing my best to keep the peace at home until that trip is over. (I could not sleep at night thinking I left the state and he was angry and may be throwing everything I own in the trash.)
Then, in December I have an out-of-town half marathon. Again, I don’t think I should make waves or this trip will get screwed up. BUT, at what point do I say I can’t keep putting off having a frank discussion with him because I think he will then be up for ruining my life if he thinks he has nothing to lose.
AND to top it all off, he has been nice. We have not been fighting. He has been letting me do whatever I want and not complaining at all. I don’t come home until late….he doesn’t get angry. I am not giving him sex lately (another blog post) and he has not been nagging. I have been kissing him good-bye (to be polite) but other than that, no signs of affection. Frankly I am just tired of “pretending” we have a real relationship when it doesn’t feel like one to me at all. And, he has been perfectly pleasant to me. Could he be lulling me into a false sense of calm, to make me think that he is not such a bad person? Make me wonder if he is capable of a fair and peaceful divorce?
Or maybe he is just trying to trick me into not asking for a divorce. Maybe he can feel it coming and is just bending over backwards to be kind and accepting and easy to get along with so I won’t pull the trigger?
Seriously though, we don’t talk, we don’t hang out, and we don’t make plans to do things together. We just swap kid and house duties and generally stay out of each other’s way. This is NOT a marriage!!
BUT still I have a babysitter and someone to share the bills with and it’s not that bad. Especially when I can go do pretty much whatever I want most of the time. Should I actually leave him (or kick him out since I own the house) I am sure I would have less freedom, less money and a less kindness from him.
I guess what I am saying is I know this is going to suck and I am still not 100% convinced I should go through with it. I have no family to support me. I have no close friends to help me out. I have a few shaky relationships that I don’t really trust at this point and that is about it.
GOD I AM SICK OF FEELING ALONE!
AGAIN…HOW THE HELL DO I GET MYSELF INTO THESE SITUATIONS WHERE ALL CHOICES SUCK!?!?!
So lately I find that I am feeling hyper vigilant for signs, any signs, that this man who is being so nice to me is just up to no good. That he has a hidden agenda; that one day I will be saying to myself “damn I should have seen that coming!”
If you watch for red flags hard enough you WILL find them!?
And, the few people that never actually fucked me over on purpose were probably guilty of fucking me over by accident; by either being helpless (ex-husband) or needy or selfish (current husband).
Also, at the same time it kind of occurred to me that my husband is not particularly fond of watching our daughter and should we get divorced I am sure that he would not be the kind and helpful ex that happily watches the kid for me so I can go on ski trips with my friends. (need to book if I plan on going in February!) In fact I suspect he will want to get her only when he feels it will cause me the most inconvenience and not the other way around.
I mean really, given his history, I am pretty positive that should I tell him it is over he will feel he has nothing to lose and he will unleash all his nastiness on me. I am fairly confident that his lowest behaviors are lower than my wildest dreams. In other words, he will stop at nothing to make my life living hell.
Next month I have a trip to NYC planned and I am doing my best to keep the peace at home until that trip is over. (I could not sleep at night thinking I left the state and he was angry and may be throwing everything I own in the trash.)
Then, in December I have an out-of-town half marathon. Again, I don’t think I should make waves or this trip will get screwed up. BUT, at what point do I say I can’t keep putting off having a frank discussion with him because I think he will then be up for ruining my life if he thinks he has nothing to lose.
AND to top it all off, he has been nice. We have not been fighting. He has been letting me do whatever I want and not complaining at all. I don’t come home until late….he doesn’t get angry. I am not giving him sex lately (another blog post) and he has not been nagging. I have been kissing him good-bye (to be polite) but other than that, no signs of affection. Frankly I am just tired of “pretending” we have a real relationship when it doesn’t feel like one to me at all. And, he has been perfectly pleasant to me. Could he be lulling me into a false sense of calm, to make me think that he is not such a bad person? Make me wonder if he is capable of a fair and peaceful divorce?
Or maybe he is just trying to trick me into not asking for a divorce. Maybe he can feel it coming and is just bending over backwards to be kind and accepting and easy to get along with so I won’t pull the trigger?
Seriously though, we don’t talk, we don’t hang out, and we don’t make plans to do things together. We just swap kid and house duties and generally stay out of each other’s way. This is NOT a marriage!!
BUT still I have a babysitter and someone to share the bills with and it’s not that bad. Especially when I can go do pretty much whatever I want most of the time. Should I actually leave him (or kick him out since I own the house) I am sure I would have less freedom, less money and a less kindness from him.
I guess what I am saying is I know this is going to suck and I am still not 100% convinced I should go through with it. I have no family to support me. I have no close friends to help me out. I have a few shaky relationships that I don’t really trust at this point and that is about it.
GOD I AM SICK OF FEELING ALONE!
AGAIN…HOW THE HELL DO I GET MYSELF INTO THESE SITUATIONS WHERE ALL CHOICES SUCK!?!?!
Friday, October 25, 2013
Pros and Cons
Why don’t I leave my husband since I am obviously not happy in my marriage?
1) I will feel like a failure for once again not being successful at marriage.
2) I don’t want my daughter to have to grow up being shuttled back and forth between two houses with her having to think about which days she is at which parents home.
3) I like the financial security of sharing the bills.
4) I am well aware of how unpleasant a divorce (or even a break-up) can be. Often I feel too emotionally week to handle all the grief that will surely come during the process of getting divorced.
5) I fear that I will never meet a “real” partner in life and don’t want to be “all alone” in the world.
6) I don’t want to let other people down….people (like my MIL) that will be disappointed by a divorce.
7) I worry that I might regret it. That the grass won’t be greener on the other side.
8) I think my husband is capable of being a mean and nasty person and I worry he will unleash it all at me if he feels he has nothing to lose.
9) I love my daughters school and living in this town. If we divorce I may have no choice but to move or at least put my daughter in a different school.
Why I should leave my husband.
1) My emotional needs are not getting met and I keep seeking others out to fill them. I am concerned this will ultimately lead me to be unfaithful.
2) I want my daughter to see a happy, healthy relationship as she grows up, not two people tolerating each other. Even though my husband and I don’t actively fight much anymore, we surely don’t set a good example of how a healthy loving couple should behave.
3) If it weren’t for my daughter I never would have married him nor would I feel the need to stay married now.
4) At this very moment I may be missing out on the chance at a great relationship with a great person.
5) I could have more adventures if I didn’t feel tied down by my marriage.
6) My husband and I are not friends and usually do not like spending time with each other.
7) The ways he reacts to me are always the exact opposite of what I NEED in a partner.
8) He triggers all my childhood traumas and wounds and makes me feel generally uncomfortable when he is around.
9) He is not capable of intimacy as far as I can tell.
1) I will feel like a failure for once again not being successful at marriage.
2) I don’t want my daughter to have to grow up being shuttled back and forth between two houses with her having to think about which days she is at which parents home.
3) I like the financial security of sharing the bills.
4) I am well aware of how unpleasant a divorce (or even a break-up) can be. Often I feel too emotionally week to handle all the grief that will surely come during the process of getting divorced.
5) I fear that I will never meet a “real” partner in life and don’t want to be “all alone” in the world.
6) I don’t want to let other people down….people (like my MIL) that will be disappointed by a divorce.
7) I worry that I might regret it. That the grass won’t be greener on the other side.
8) I think my husband is capable of being a mean and nasty person and I worry he will unleash it all at me if he feels he has nothing to lose.
9) I love my daughters school and living in this town. If we divorce I may have no choice but to move or at least put my daughter in a different school.
Why I should leave my husband.
1) My emotional needs are not getting met and I keep seeking others out to fill them. I am concerned this will ultimately lead me to be unfaithful.
2) I want my daughter to see a happy, healthy relationship as she grows up, not two people tolerating each other. Even though my husband and I don’t actively fight much anymore, we surely don’t set a good example of how a healthy loving couple should behave.
3) If it weren’t for my daughter I never would have married him nor would I feel the need to stay married now.
4) At this very moment I may be missing out on the chance at a great relationship with a great person.
5) I could have more adventures if I didn’t feel tied down by my marriage.
6) My husband and I are not friends and usually do not like spending time with each other.
7) The ways he reacts to me are always the exact opposite of what I NEED in a partner.
8) He triggers all my childhood traumas and wounds and makes me feel generally uncomfortable when he is around.
9) He is not capable of intimacy as far as I can tell.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Wedding Anniversary
I did go buy a card. I had to dig through the really sentimental ones to find the not so mushy card for my husband because, sadly, no he is not the love of my life or my best friend. Tomorrow, to celebrate, we have a little family outing planned. Hopefully it will be nice.
It’s been a month now since me and “KP” changed from being just friends to a bit more. Since then we have been talking to each other a lot….like hours and hours. We have grown very close (no we are not having sex). He is a breath of fresh air in my otherwise dreary life. He really listens to me. He is brutally honest with me. He is a wise man who has already given me the right advice at the right moment more than once. He has the most gentle and kind heart I have ever encountered on a man that is my age and single. He raised his two kids on his own after his wife ran off. He chose not to date while raising them to keep their lives simple and drama free. He has not dated for 14 years!
I know what we are doing is not right, but I cannot turn my back on the chance that this could be something really special. I know that only time will tell. For now we are just getting to know each other on a deeper level. For now we are both waiting to see what will happen when the “shiny new” wears off.
We have however, had very frank discussions about my marriage and why I bother to continue in it. I know exactly why I stay but to an outsider it seems ridiculous. I don’t think I will ever be happy in my marriage. There was a time when I thought it might all work out. There was a time when I very much longed for change and worked hard to make things better. Lately I feel that it is futile so I have given up for the most part. Funny that my husband doesn’t even pick up on any of this. He just hums along in his little selfish bubble and is happy to have basically nothing to do with me except the occasional sexual encounter.
So KP says he has no idea why I don’t leave since I admit that my husband will never make me happy. I am 100% sure he says this out of compassion for me not any selfish motive. It is refreshing to be around a man that is not a selfish pig.
I can not help but recognize that many a good solid long term relationship has started like this. My father left my mother for his wife and they lived happily ever after for like 40 years until he died last summer. Rocco and his “affair” are very happy and have declared their love the love of a life time. And I know many others. My point is this….if KP could be the love of my life I am not going to write it off just because my jerk of a husband broke down and married me 4 years ago after he told me he never would. I am kicking myself in the ass now for trying so hard to make our life together work; for forcing a relationship that was never on solid ground. I did it for Bean. I did it for what I thought was a good reasons.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Slow Progress
If I am to be 100% honest, husband and I are getting along better than we ever have. He is being more attentive and I am being more open and honest. I think he is too. I still don’t feel close to him. I am still trying to shake the past. I still don’t feel he is my “friend”. But I feel less like he is just a jerk and we put up with each other.
I told George that Husband was good while on vacation. He said that was great. I said but good means he didn’t give me the silent treatment or get grumpy. It means he wasn’t a total jerk. He was pleasant. But, when we went off together, he just tried to get sex from me and I tried to get him to talk to me and he just doesn’t converse. I get one word answers out of him or verbal grunts that say “I hear you”. I pretty much find it impossible to be friends with someone who doesn’t enjoy talking with me. To me that is a sign you are interested in someone…..you enjoy interacting with them (other than sex).
I swear when we were dating he wasn’t this way. I would have been totally bored with him. I would not have hung around him.
Last Friday night I was trying to tell Husband about the whole emotional abuse stuff. I was trying to share with him that I have figured some stuff out. This is stuff he should know if he has to live with me…for the rest of his life. I tried to explain and of course he took it all wrong and assumed I was saying I don’t trust him when I told him I always worry that our marriage won’t last because in my experience all the people I love leave me. My point was that I am insecure. He turned it into I don’t trust him. He was a dick after that so the conversation ended.
Saturday morning I did a rather long group bike ride and kept thinking about how I hate it when he assumes something and then tunes me out. Instead of us discussing his feeling and me clarifying what I meant and us both feeling the subject got fully and accurately communicated he just gets defensive and retreats into his happy place where he lives in his own head and ignores me.
So when I got home from the ride I walked in and told him this. “I know you misunderstood me last night and I really think we need to discuss it because it is really not necessary for you to be walking around here grumpy and quiet because you think I said something that I really never meant to say.” He then told me I had stopped the discussion not him. I reminded him that things were getting emotional so I said let’s just go to sleep because I have been told over and over again that I can’t talk to him if I am being emotional.
I stood there in the kitchen and told him that I NEED to be able to talk to him; that I can’t keep everything to myself just to make him happy. That our marriage CAN NOT work for me if we can’t be comfortable speaking freely with each other.
He said he was all for discussion as long as I keep it *positive*. I told him that I can’t promise that all marriage issues we need to discuss can be discussed in a “positive” way. And then I said “and it is not fair for you to tell me that you won’t talk to me unless it’s pleasant for you. Basically you are saying that our marriage is not as important to you as your own personal comfort at a particular moment. Life and marriage are not always fun or easy so you need to understand that if we are to have REAL relationship there will be some unpleasant conversations.”
Husband thought for a moment and then told me I was right. He seemed to really mean it. I think he has been better ever since. Yeah for progress.
Porn update:
Since he pitched the porn I have been really really trying to have more sex with him. At times it is hard for me because I feel used. I know he just NEEDS his “release”. But, at other times I feel more attracted to him and attractive in general knowing he hasn’t recently been whacking off to a naked stranger on a DVD.
Flea Update:
Their father paid to get the flea issue fixed.
I told George that Husband was good while on vacation. He said that was great. I said but good means he didn’t give me the silent treatment or get grumpy. It means he wasn’t a total jerk. He was pleasant. But, when we went off together, he just tried to get sex from me and I tried to get him to talk to me and he just doesn’t converse. I get one word answers out of him or verbal grunts that say “I hear you”. I pretty much find it impossible to be friends with someone who doesn’t enjoy talking with me. To me that is a sign you are interested in someone…..you enjoy interacting with them (other than sex).
I swear when we were dating he wasn’t this way. I would have been totally bored with him. I would not have hung around him.
Last Friday night I was trying to tell Husband about the whole emotional abuse stuff. I was trying to share with him that I have figured some stuff out. This is stuff he should know if he has to live with me…for the rest of his life. I tried to explain and of course he took it all wrong and assumed I was saying I don’t trust him when I told him I always worry that our marriage won’t last because in my experience all the people I love leave me. My point was that I am insecure. He turned it into I don’t trust him. He was a dick after that so the conversation ended.
Saturday morning I did a rather long group bike ride and kept thinking about how I hate it when he assumes something and then tunes me out. Instead of us discussing his feeling and me clarifying what I meant and us both feeling the subject got fully and accurately communicated he just gets defensive and retreats into his happy place where he lives in his own head and ignores me.
So when I got home from the ride I walked in and told him this. “I know you misunderstood me last night and I really think we need to discuss it because it is really not necessary for you to be walking around here grumpy and quiet because you think I said something that I really never meant to say.” He then told me I had stopped the discussion not him. I reminded him that things were getting emotional so I said let’s just go to sleep because I have been told over and over again that I can’t talk to him if I am being emotional.
I stood there in the kitchen and told him that I NEED to be able to talk to him; that I can’t keep everything to myself just to make him happy. That our marriage CAN NOT work for me if we can’t be comfortable speaking freely with each other.
He said he was all for discussion as long as I keep it *positive*. I told him that I can’t promise that all marriage issues we need to discuss can be discussed in a “positive” way. And then I said “and it is not fair for you to tell me that you won’t talk to me unless it’s pleasant for you. Basically you are saying that our marriage is not as important to you as your own personal comfort at a particular moment. Life and marriage are not always fun or easy so you need to understand that if we are to have REAL relationship there will be some unpleasant conversations.”
Husband thought for a moment and then told me I was right. He seemed to really mean it. I think he has been better ever since. Yeah for progress.
Porn update:
Since he pitched the porn I have been really really trying to have more sex with him. At times it is hard for me because I feel used. I know he just NEEDS his “release”. But, at other times I feel more attracted to him and attractive in general knowing he hasn’t recently been whacking off to a naked stranger on a DVD.
Flea Update:
Their father paid to get the flea issue fixed.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Used to Him
This morning my husband’s alarm went off. I was pretty sound asleep and he must have been too because I heard him fumble for quite some time to stop it. Then just as peace and quiet had once again engulfed the room, the other alarm went off. He has his phone and his watch set to go off at 4:45. He shut that one up too and we both went back to sleep.
About half an hour later he schlepped into the kitchen and pulled the bedroom door closed behind him. I dozed off again which is unusual. Generally if you wake me up 3 times in a row, I DON’T go back to sleep.
I woke up just a few minutes later and mentally noted how I have become used to his crazy ways. How after 7 years of living with this man I am no longer acutely aware of all the peculiar habits that he exhibits that used to make me nuts.
Like getting up 3 hours before he needs to be at work when it only takes him about 30 minutes max to get ready. Who the heck does that? Now grant it, sometimes he stops at the gym on the way to work, but not always.
Like not having a routine…..other than he always has coffee and a poop every morning. I’m still not sure what his real start time is at work 8 or 9?
I have finally trained him to say good-bye when he leaves the house for the day. Evidently he had no idea you were supposed to do that? I am still working on good night when he goes to sleep.
He never eats meals with the family so we don’t bother with family meals. We all just eat if we feel like it, when we feel like it. He doesn’t cook…he plucks leftovers from the fridge and eats them cold straight out of the Tupperware container. Or he makes a quick burrito with a soft tortilla shell, canned refried beans, grated cheese and HOT salsa. He eats it over the sink so he doesn’t dirty a plate. I don’t think he ever sits down to eat. He won’t cut things up either. If I have lettuce cut up in a bowl in the fridge he will eat a salad….if not, the head of lettuce will go rotten in there. If there is a cold cooked chicken breast in the fridge….he will eat it with his fingers over the counter, dipping it in barbeque sauce that he dumps on the lid of the storage container.
I am in the habit of counting bikes when I get home…..to see if he is home or gone on a bike. I generally don’t try to coordinate where he is or when he will be home with him at all. I do my thing and he does his. It is just frustrating and pointless to try and pin him down.
Heck he leaves the room and goes down stairs and starts a project and never comes back without a word. I am sure he has done this when I think we are in the middle of conversation. I think it is rude to leave and say something. However, it’s pretty hard to discuss when I figure out he has been gone longer than a potty break or something and I have no idea where he is. I am finally to the point where I hardly notice this anymore. I just kind of ignore him around the house and he does the same to me if he feels like it. (His parents do this too so he sees it as normal.)
He never closes the bathroom door and he will walk around the house or yard naked if he feels like it. Our daughter is almost 6 years old now so I am working on that one. I think it is time to hide his dangly stuff from her.
He won’t take his shoes off when he comes in the house so he often tracks in chicken poop, mud, leaves and rocks onto my carpet which really bums me out.
Today he actually mentioned that this winter he would like to consolidate our finances create a will and a retirement plan! This is actually an act of planning for OUR future. I was shocked. I was also a bit miffed because the older kids were mentioned and yes, I know he doesn’t want to give his money to them but how the hell can we be a real family if he looks at it that way. I guess I will update you early next year on how this all works out.
About half an hour later he schlepped into the kitchen and pulled the bedroom door closed behind him. I dozed off again which is unusual. Generally if you wake me up 3 times in a row, I DON’T go back to sleep.
I woke up just a few minutes later and mentally noted how I have become used to his crazy ways. How after 7 years of living with this man I am no longer acutely aware of all the peculiar habits that he exhibits that used to make me nuts.
Like getting up 3 hours before he needs to be at work when it only takes him about 30 minutes max to get ready. Who the heck does that? Now grant it, sometimes he stops at the gym on the way to work, but not always.
Like not having a routine…..other than he always has coffee and a poop every morning. I’m still not sure what his real start time is at work 8 or 9?
I have finally trained him to say good-bye when he leaves the house for the day. Evidently he had no idea you were supposed to do that? I am still working on good night when he goes to sleep.
He never eats meals with the family so we don’t bother with family meals. We all just eat if we feel like it, when we feel like it. He doesn’t cook…he plucks leftovers from the fridge and eats them cold straight out of the Tupperware container. Or he makes a quick burrito with a soft tortilla shell, canned refried beans, grated cheese and HOT salsa. He eats it over the sink so he doesn’t dirty a plate. I don’t think he ever sits down to eat. He won’t cut things up either. If I have lettuce cut up in a bowl in the fridge he will eat a salad….if not, the head of lettuce will go rotten in there. If there is a cold cooked chicken breast in the fridge….he will eat it with his fingers over the counter, dipping it in barbeque sauce that he dumps on the lid of the storage container.
I am in the habit of counting bikes when I get home…..to see if he is home or gone on a bike. I generally don’t try to coordinate where he is or when he will be home with him at all. I do my thing and he does his. It is just frustrating and pointless to try and pin him down.
Heck he leaves the room and goes down stairs and starts a project and never comes back without a word. I am sure he has done this when I think we are in the middle of conversation. I think it is rude to leave and say something. However, it’s pretty hard to discuss when I figure out he has been gone longer than a potty break or something and I have no idea where he is. I am finally to the point where I hardly notice this anymore. I just kind of ignore him around the house and he does the same to me if he feels like it. (His parents do this too so he sees it as normal.)
He never closes the bathroom door and he will walk around the house or yard naked if he feels like it. Our daughter is almost 6 years old now so I am working on that one. I think it is time to hide his dangly stuff from her.
He won’t take his shoes off when he comes in the house so he often tracks in chicken poop, mud, leaves and rocks onto my carpet which really bums me out.
Today he actually mentioned that this winter he would like to consolidate our finances create a will and a retirement plan! This is actually an act of planning for OUR future. I was shocked. I was also a bit miffed because the older kids were mentioned and yes, I know he doesn’t want to give his money to them but how the hell can we be a real family if he looks at it that way. I guess I will update you early next year on how this all works out.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Calmed Down
So I have calmed down and recovered from the weekend. I really was worked up!
It seems like I am always at my worst on a Monday because I have had to deal with him for two days and then once I get back to work and my normal schedule I feel better.
On Monday Evening I had planned to take my daughter swimming but decided to go home to change into our suits and grab the dog and just head to the lake. By the time we got home my negative funk had talked me into just staying there. I enjoyed playing with Beanie and we watched a cooking show together and talked about garlic and things like that.
Around 7:30 I decided to put Beanie’s hair up in a bun so Tuesday morning her hair would be a non issue. She was sweet and patient as I combed and pinned her long locks. Then I suggested that we pick out an outfit. Her dad has to get her ready for school on Tuesdays because I leave to run so I was just trying to be thoughtful so it would make his morning go smoother.
Well, the outfit selection process didn’t go well as my daughter is way way way too fussy about what she wants to wear. I was patient for a long time but she kept bursting into tears so I deemed her too tired to function and sentenced her to go to bed.
About this time husband shows up and realized he walked into a house with a sobbing child and a frustrated mother trying to put her to bed an hour early. He looked worried and upset and I gave him a brief explanation of how the evening had gone and then he got out of the way.
Once the kid was in bed I suspected he would try and be “hero dad” and save her because he has done that many times in the past. I was all braced to stop him and lecture him on supporting my decisions but he did NOT go in her room other than to say goodnight. He then started to leave the house. I was in no mood to have him waltz off and blame me and I was concerned he would just drive off and not answer his phone so I stopped him at the door I asked him where he was going.
He looked at me and gave me the “don’t hurt me scary lady” face and it made my blood boil. He then asked me what he should do. I told him not to leave or make a big deal out of it. The kid was in bed and it was time to relax. I went back to watching TV and he asked me if I wanted to talk. I told him I wanted to relax so he sat with me and we watched TV together and it was obvious he was trying hard to be nice.
This made me feel much better!
Then, last night a friend hit me up to ride bikes and that went well. He also offered to give me an old desk for Monster. Free furniture is awesome. Then I took Ramone shopping and went by X-husbands house to pick up some college paperwork for Monster. I got home rather late but found Husband to be in a good mood. Beanie was still up, not good, but at least everyone was pleasant and we all chatted like a family would.
Today I told Husband that a friend of mine has rented an RV and he is taking his wife and daughter to Colorado for a weeklong vacation. I told him that is the kind of stuff I would like for us to be doing together. He agreed that it sounded fun. So even if it never happens at lease he responded positively.
So let’s all forget how mad I was Monday and get back to how the hell to make this all work. Cause if I am to be totally honest, I would want to (have to) move away from the husband if I leave him which would be a huge deal to him and the kid and I am in no way at all ready to deal with all that.
It seems like I am always at my worst on a Monday because I have had to deal with him for two days and then once I get back to work and my normal schedule I feel better.
On Monday Evening I had planned to take my daughter swimming but decided to go home to change into our suits and grab the dog and just head to the lake. By the time we got home my negative funk had talked me into just staying there. I enjoyed playing with Beanie and we watched a cooking show together and talked about garlic and things like that.
Around 7:30 I decided to put Beanie’s hair up in a bun so Tuesday morning her hair would be a non issue. She was sweet and patient as I combed and pinned her long locks. Then I suggested that we pick out an outfit. Her dad has to get her ready for school on Tuesdays because I leave to run so I was just trying to be thoughtful so it would make his morning go smoother.
Well, the outfit selection process didn’t go well as my daughter is way way way too fussy about what she wants to wear. I was patient for a long time but she kept bursting into tears so I deemed her too tired to function and sentenced her to go to bed.
About this time husband shows up and realized he walked into a house with a sobbing child and a frustrated mother trying to put her to bed an hour early. He looked worried and upset and I gave him a brief explanation of how the evening had gone and then he got out of the way.
Once the kid was in bed I suspected he would try and be “hero dad” and save her because he has done that many times in the past. I was all braced to stop him and lecture him on supporting my decisions but he did NOT go in her room other than to say goodnight. He then started to leave the house. I was in no mood to have him waltz off and blame me and I was concerned he would just drive off and not answer his phone so I stopped him at the door I asked him where he was going.
He looked at me and gave me the “don’t hurt me scary lady” face and it made my blood boil. He then asked me what he should do. I told him not to leave or make a big deal out of it. The kid was in bed and it was time to relax. I went back to watching TV and he asked me if I wanted to talk. I told him I wanted to relax so he sat with me and we watched TV together and it was obvious he was trying hard to be nice.
This made me feel much better!
Then, last night a friend hit me up to ride bikes and that went well. He also offered to give me an old desk for Monster. Free furniture is awesome. Then I took Ramone shopping and went by X-husbands house to pick up some college paperwork for Monster. I got home rather late but found Husband to be in a good mood. Beanie was still up, not good, but at least everyone was pleasant and we all chatted like a family would.
Today I told Husband that a friend of mine has rented an RV and he is taking his wife and daughter to Colorado for a weeklong vacation. I told him that is the kind of stuff I would like for us to be doing together. He agreed that it sounded fun. So even if it never happens at lease he responded positively.
So let’s all forget how mad I was Monday and get back to how the hell to make this all work. Cause if I am to be totally honest, I would want to (have to) move away from the husband if I leave him which would be a huge deal to him and the kid and I am in no way at all ready to deal with all that.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
ALONE
I think my biggest problem is I feel so very alone in life. I am alone. I am lonely. I NEED to feel that I belong somewhere….that I have people that care….that I have a place to be safe and comfortable…that someone wants me.
Thinking out loud about social needs I can only assume that it is a basic human need to fit in and be accepted and that this need probably dates back to pre-historic time when survival hinged on your ability to function as a community. If you were outcast from the community it was sure death.
What I am trying to convey here is that it is not weird of me to feel that this is an important issue for me. I know some people are cool with being total loners….but I am not like that at all.
I may have posted this earlier this year but I think this is one of the main reasons I am struggling so much right now. I am alone.
My friends have all gone away…for one reason or another. One had a baby, one has thrown herself into her job and planning a wedding, one has decided I stifle him socially, one has moved away, etc. I have been trying to make some new friends, but quite frankly, when you are almost 50 years old making new friends is not what most people are up to. Most people my age have already well established friends and family and don’t have time for new people like me.
My family is not close nor do they serve any practical purpose to me. I don’t have siblings to hang out with or parents to call if I need advice and support. BOTH my parents are still alive yet they choose to do their own thing and really don’t participate in my life much.
Work is a place where I have, in the past, had my social / acceptance needs met. I have had great friends at some of my previous jobs. People I might only see at work but none the less they were awesome to have around and really helped me feel loved. My current office is VERY small (5-6 people) are they are just co-workers that I have nothing in common with.
Add to the whole mix that I am probably having hormonal changes….cause you know I’m almost 50 and my periods are irregular or missing these days. I am not sure how much of my current mood / depression is dictated by hormonal changes but no doubt it plays a role.
Then there is husband and we all know I don’t feel that he is a friend or supportive of me emotionally. George says we have trust issues and he is right. I don’t trust my husband with my feelings, my money, my time or anything. He has just said and done so many selfish things that I can’t help but feel he would throw me under the bus in a second if it meant he would come out ahead.
And that is why I get so mad at him…because at this point in my life he SHOULD be my ally, he should be a person I can count on. He should not be the person I am always watching over my shoulder to be sure he is not screwing me over in some way.
When I was single I was lonely too and I thought getting married would help. Instead I am now just as lonely as I was when I was single but I have a person living in my house so I can never be fully at home there and also I don’t have the freedom to just go do as I please. I have to respect my marriage and take him into account. So ultimately, getting married has backfired and I am even more alone than I was before.
Thinking out loud about social needs I can only assume that it is a basic human need to fit in and be accepted and that this need probably dates back to pre-historic time when survival hinged on your ability to function as a community. If you were outcast from the community it was sure death.
What I am trying to convey here is that it is not weird of me to feel that this is an important issue for me. I know some people are cool with being total loners….but I am not like that at all.
I may have posted this earlier this year but I think this is one of the main reasons I am struggling so much right now. I am alone.
My friends have all gone away…for one reason or another. One had a baby, one has thrown herself into her job and planning a wedding, one has decided I stifle him socially, one has moved away, etc. I have been trying to make some new friends, but quite frankly, when you are almost 50 years old making new friends is not what most people are up to. Most people my age have already well established friends and family and don’t have time for new people like me.
My family is not close nor do they serve any practical purpose to me. I don’t have siblings to hang out with or parents to call if I need advice and support. BOTH my parents are still alive yet they choose to do their own thing and really don’t participate in my life much.
Work is a place where I have, in the past, had my social / acceptance needs met. I have had great friends at some of my previous jobs. People I might only see at work but none the less they were awesome to have around and really helped me feel loved. My current office is VERY small (5-6 people) are they are just co-workers that I have nothing in common with.
Add to the whole mix that I am probably having hormonal changes….cause you know I’m almost 50 and my periods are irregular or missing these days. I am not sure how much of my current mood / depression is dictated by hormonal changes but no doubt it plays a role.
Then there is husband and we all know I don’t feel that he is a friend or supportive of me emotionally. George says we have trust issues and he is right. I don’t trust my husband with my feelings, my money, my time or anything. He has just said and done so many selfish things that I can’t help but feel he would throw me under the bus in a second if it meant he would come out ahead.
And that is why I get so mad at him…because at this point in my life he SHOULD be my ally, he should be a person I can count on. He should not be the person I am always watching over my shoulder to be sure he is not screwing me over in some way.
When I was single I was lonely too and I thought getting married would help. Instead I am now just as lonely as I was when I was single but I have a person living in my house so I can never be fully at home there and also I don’t have the freedom to just go do as I please. I have to respect my marriage and take him into account. So ultimately, getting married has backfired and I am even more alone than I was before.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Weekend Recap - I think I am finally at the end of my rope!
On Saturday morning I ran my hilly 10K race. I did awesome. I was very proud of myself for giving it my all and keeping a positive attitude. It is so easy for me to think my way into a bad run! I placed third in my age group which was thrilling. I hope I can keep this positive mindset about my running going forward……it is the one thing that has me excited at the moment.
Husband spent Friday night and all day Saturday at his folks house with our daughter. He finally mentioned (in passing) that his mom fell and hurt her back and was having a hard time getting around. I suppose that is why she didn’t want to just babysit for us. Sadly, both our parents are older and they really can’t babysit due to their age. It’s a real bummer. This, my friends, is why it is NOT good to have children when you are 40!
Friday night no one was home to close the chicken coop door, so a critter got in and stole one of my Rhode Island Red hens for dinner. That makes me sad. I love my hens so much.
Husband and daughter returned home around 10 pm on Saturday night. I had planned on riding bikes with my friends on Sunday morning (as usual) but when he got home he said “NO…I am going to ride tomorrow.”
So Sunday morning he got up and piddled around and finally left on his bike around 8:30 am. He said he would be home for dinner. I spent Sunday morning getting my weekly chores done and took the girl shopping for some pink shorts to go with her favorite top.
We had lunch and took a long nap and then Daddy did return home around 4:30ish. He had biked 140 miles. He then ate dinner, showered and went to Wal-Mart for our weekly groceries. He returned from Wal-Mart while I was watching 60 minutes. I apologized for not helping him with the groceries but I was totally engrossed in the show.
After that he disappeared and ignored me for the balance of the evening. It is like it is a goal of his to spend as little time with me as possible. At some point something snapped in my head and I said to myself “I just can’t live like this anymore…..this is killing me. I need to plot to leave this man and get busy having a real life!”
The long and short of it is this: I am not happy and I am tired of trying to figure out how to be happy. There is nothing that I can do to make him be the husband I need and want. There is no way I can adjust my life to be happy with him as he is and as he wants things. Long story short, we are not emotionally compatible and there is nothing I can do about it.
This is how I got divorced last time. I finally decided that I couldn’t change the situation nor could I live with it so I had to get out of it.
I slept in the basement last night and I am now trying to think about how to navigate ending this marriage. When I think of little Beanie I don’t want to hurt her so I start to feel all panicky. I also think it would be in my best interest to move away from here (I need to quit my job anyway); get away from Rocco and my husband completely. We will need to sell the house. I might move in with my mom for a while. I would need to put stuff in storage. I don’t know… it is all overwhelming!
Husband spent Friday night and all day Saturday at his folks house with our daughter. He finally mentioned (in passing) that his mom fell and hurt her back and was having a hard time getting around. I suppose that is why she didn’t want to just babysit for us. Sadly, both our parents are older and they really can’t babysit due to their age. It’s a real bummer. This, my friends, is why it is NOT good to have children when you are 40!
Friday night no one was home to close the chicken coop door, so a critter got in and stole one of my Rhode Island Red hens for dinner. That makes me sad. I love my hens so much.
Husband and daughter returned home around 10 pm on Saturday night. I had planned on riding bikes with my friends on Sunday morning (as usual) but when he got home he said “NO…I am going to ride tomorrow.”
So Sunday morning he got up and piddled around and finally left on his bike around 8:30 am. He said he would be home for dinner. I spent Sunday morning getting my weekly chores done and took the girl shopping for some pink shorts to go with her favorite top.
We had lunch and took a long nap and then Daddy did return home around 4:30ish. He had biked 140 miles. He then ate dinner, showered and went to Wal-Mart for our weekly groceries. He returned from Wal-Mart while I was watching 60 minutes. I apologized for not helping him with the groceries but I was totally engrossed in the show.
After that he disappeared and ignored me for the balance of the evening. It is like it is a goal of his to spend as little time with me as possible. At some point something snapped in my head and I said to myself “I just can’t live like this anymore…..this is killing me. I need to plot to leave this man and get busy having a real life!”
The long and short of it is this: I am not happy and I am tired of trying to figure out how to be happy. There is nothing that I can do to make him be the husband I need and want. There is no way I can adjust my life to be happy with him as he is and as he wants things. Long story short, we are not emotionally compatible and there is nothing I can do about it.
This is how I got divorced last time. I finally decided that I couldn’t change the situation nor could I live with it so I had to get out of it.
I slept in the basement last night and I am now trying to think about how to navigate ending this marriage. When I think of little Beanie I don’t want to hurt her so I start to feel all panicky. I also think it would be in my best interest to move away from here (I need to quit my job anyway); get away from Rocco and my husband completely. We will need to sell the house. I might move in with my mom for a while. I would need to put stuff in storage. I don’t know… it is all overwhelming!
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
HE MAKES ME CRAZY
It’s Wednesday and I am at work with the kid in my office. This morning she was cranky and didn’t want to go to school. I had no energy to argue with her so here she is.
Last night I went over to a friend’s house to watch The Tour De France on TV. We had fun. I drank too much wine. On my drive home I thought way too much about how I hate my life. How I want a husband that actually takes care of me and “cherishes” me. I would really like to be in a relationship that seems real, honest and healthy.
When I got home I went to bed early. I was grumpy and figured it was a good choice. Husband slept with our daughter. I did not act angry at him or ask him to sleep elsewhere. I just came in put stuff away and went to bed.
I tried to wake him around midnight and get him to come to bed with me but he didn’t budge. I never know why he does these things. Does he just hate me? Is he upset? Why can’t he communicate with me?
This morning he got up and tried not to bother me. The part of me that wants a real marriage wanted him to come and talk to me and discuss why he never came to bed. The part of me that has adjusted to my current marriage was glad that he left me alone and left without talking to me at all. (That’s me on the porch and used to it.)
At the end of the day I feel torn in half by all this. At times I think things aren’t so bad, that I can live like this, and that it could be so much worse; that getting divorced would suck way more than living in an unconventional marriage. Then the very next day all I can think is I must get divorced and start all over because this is NOT working. I hate living with someone who makes me feel so unloved all the time.
I feel like so much of my life is broken and I don’t have a clue about what to do next or where I should be directing my energy. I just keep existing and feeling empty and lost or angry and depressed.
Tomorrow ( 4th of July) there is a HUGE group bike ride that I plan on doing. It goes without asking that he is NOT interested in participating since he prefers to bike alone. Otherwise I would have found a babysitter and looked forward to spending the time with him.
Saturday I have signed up for a race in a nearby town. I had to get a hotel room since the race is early in the morning and it’s not realistic to drive that far before the race. I asked husband months ago if he wanted to go. He never answered. I asked again last weekend and he said “well, what would I do?” I didn’t have a good answer for him. He pretty much meant….sounds boring, no thanks.
A few weeks ago I spoke to his mom about possibly keeping our daughter so we could have time together or so he could have free time while I was gone at the race on Saturday. Grandma told me she would love to have her Beanie stay over.
So this Monday (day before yesterday) Husband finally called his mother to work on details and then told me Grandma was NOT interested in keeping the girl, but instead said he could visit. I didn’t follow up to check on this version of the story…..I decided to let him deal with it because I get VERY tired of him and his folks being wishy washy and not making plans in advance. I signed up for this race a couple of months ago so everyone knew it was coming.
So this morning he sends me this email
The plan I’m working on for the weekend is:
Thursday: bike ride when you get back from biking, then Bean and I will go watch fireworks
Friday: Bean goes to pre-school and I go to work. At 6pm we are getting on the train and going to G&G
Sat: at G&G all day but train gets back in town around 10pm
Sunday: I ride my bike
Cool? Does that work with your schedule?
This is the response I would like to send him:
Thanks a lot for just not including me in a damn thing. That makes me feel loved *NOT*. BTW I really thought it would be fun to take the train with you guys but if you think it is more fun to do it without me than I really don’t even know why we are married. Seriously you are a BIG jerk and you are doing this just to hurt my feelings. And I refuse to pretend that I don’t get that. I would cancel my out of town race if I thought that is what you really want, but I know that you really don’t give a flying fuck what I am doing so I will go and do my best to have a good time despite the fact that you are huge asshole and I am super mad that I ever thought you weren’t.
This is what I sent him:
I had hoped to do the train thing with you but if you prefer to go without me that is fine. I will do my best to not be too angry about it.
Really wasn’t in the mood for this today. He told me a few weeks ago that he was cooking up a plan to take the train to visit his parents. At the time I told him that sounded like super fun. I of course assumed that I was invited.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Update:
My first instinct is to get mad and over react when he seems to be rejecting me. In my defense, this is not how I think marriage should be and I have sure been hurt and dumped enough in my life to be damaged and sensitive about such things. ALSO...he does a terrible job of actually communicating with me so I often have to fill in the blanks. I won't take the blame for that!
SO……He told me he would not take the train without me. He told me he was doing his best to let me have fun at my race and keep our daughter busy and happy. I really believe that he means well by just doing his own thing and leaving me alone. I know that is how HE wants me to treat him. BUT, here is the thing…..what is the point of being married if you don’t actually enjoy each other’s company and WANT to do things together. I just don’t get it. So frustrated!
PS – I wish we could have talks about all this stuff instead of me just mulling shit over and over in my head. AGAIN, his choice to not communicate and view talking with me about our relationship as something that is evil and to be avoided at all costs. How am I supposed to be married to this man when the main criteria for his happiness are that I leave him alone and never discuss our relationship with him???
Last night I went over to a friend’s house to watch The Tour De France on TV. We had fun. I drank too much wine. On my drive home I thought way too much about how I hate my life. How I want a husband that actually takes care of me and “cherishes” me. I would really like to be in a relationship that seems real, honest and healthy.
When I got home I went to bed early. I was grumpy and figured it was a good choice. Husband slept with our daughter. I did not act angry at him or ask him to sleep elsewhere. I just came in put stuff away and went to bed.
I tried to wake him around midnight and get him to come to bed with me but he didn’t budge. I never know why he does these things. Does he just hate me? Is he upset? Why can’t he communicate with me?
This morning he got up and tried not to bother me. The part of me that wants a real marriage wanted him to come and talk to me and discuss why he never came to bed. The part of me that has adjusted to my current marriage was glad that he left me alone and left without talking to me at all. (That’s me on the porch and used to it.)
At the end of the day I feel torn in half by all this. At times I think things aren’t so bad, that I can live like this, and that it could be so much worse; that getting divorced would suck way more than living in an unconventional marriage. Then the very next day all I can think is I must get divorced and start all over because this is NOT working. I hate living with someone who makes me feel so unloved all the time.
I feel like so much of my life is broken and I don’t have a clue about what to do next or where I should be directing my energy. I just keep existing and feeling empty and lost or angry and depressed.
Tomorrow ( 4th of July) there is a HUGE group bike ride that I plan on doing. It goes without asking that he is NOT interested in participating since he prefers to bike alone. Otherwise I would have found a babysitter and looked forward to spending the time with him.
Saturday I have signed up for a race in a nearby town. I had to get a hotel room since the race is early in the morning and it’s not realistic to drive that far before the race. I asked husband months ago if he wanted to go. He never answered. I asked again last weekend and he said “well, what would I do?” I didn’t have a good answer for him. He pretty much meant….sounds boring, no thanks.
A few weeks ago I spoke to his mom about possibly keeping our daughter so we could have time together or so he could have free time while I was gone at the race on Saturday. Grandma told me she would love to have her Beanie stay over.
So this Monday (day before yesterday) Husband finally called his mother to work on details and then told me Grandma was NOT interested in keeping the girl, but instead said he could visit. I didn’t follow up to check on this version of the story…..I decided to let him deal with it because I get VERY tired of him and his folks being wishy washy and not making plans in advance. I signed up for this race a couple of months ago so everyone knew it was coming.
So this morning he sends me this email
The plan I’m working on for the weekend is:
Thursday: bike ride when you get back from biking, then Bean and I will go watch fireworks
Friday: Bean goes to pre-school and I go to work. At 6pm we are getting on the train and going to G&G
Sat: at G&G all day but train gets back in town around 10pm
Sunday: I ride my bike
Cool? Does that work with your schedule?
This is the response I would like to send him:
Thanks a lot for just not including me in a damn thing. That makes me feel loved *NOT*. BTW I really thought it would be fun to take the train with you guys but if you think it is more fun to do it without me than I really don’t even know why we are married. Seriously you are a BIG jerk and you are doing this just to hurt my feelings. And I refuse to pretend that I don’t get that. I would cancel my out of town race if I thought that is what you really want, but I know that you really don’t give a flying fuck what I am doing so I will go and do my best to have a good time despite the fact that you are huge asshole and I am super mad that I ever thought you weren’t.
This is what I sent him:
I had hoped to do the train thing with you but if you prefer to go without me that is fine. I will do my best to not be too angry about it.
Really wasn’t in the mood for this today. He told me a few weeks ago that he was cooking up a plan to take the train to visit his parents. At the time I told him that sounded like super fun. I of course assumed that I was invited.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Update:
My first instinct is to get mad and over react when he seems to be rejecting me. In my defense, this is not how I think marriage should be and I have sure been hurt and dumped enough in my life to be damaged and sensitive about such things. ALSO...he does a terrible job of actually communicating with me so I often have to fill in the blanks. I won't take the blame for that!
SO……He told me he would not take the train without me. He told me he was doing his best to let me have fun at my race and keep our daughter busy and happy. I really believe that he means well by just doing his own thing and leaving me alone. I know that is how HE wants me to treat him. BUT, here is the thing…..what is the point of being married if you don’t actually enjoy each other’s company and WANT to do things together. I just don’t get it. So frustrated!
PS – I wish we could have talks about all this stuff instead of me just mulling shit over and over in my head. AGAIN, his choice to not communicate and view talking with me about our relationship as something that is evil and to be avoided at all costs. How am I supposed to be married to this man when the main criteria for his happiness are that I leave him alone and never discuss our relationship with him???
Thursday, June 20, 2013
George is a Smarty-Pants
So the first thing he asked me when I got there today is “what can I do for you?”
I responded with “fix me”. He says well…if you were fixed, how would your world be different?
I told him I would view my life as being more pleasure than pain; that the joy would be worth the sorrow. That I often don’t want to get up and do the day. I wish I could just hide out from the real world.
Then we spent a long time talking about depression. He pointed out that I do get out of bed every day. I said but I don’t want to. He said but you do. I told him I needed to work for money. He praised me for making decisions that are good for me.
We talked about how my husband is being so much kinder to me lately. I told him I think it is because he is afraid I am about to lose my mind and he doesn’t want to trigger my breakdown. I seriously think husband feels like I am on the verge of some total collapse and he is scared.
George grilled me on why I have to paint a negative story for his motivation. Why can’t I just think husband loves me and wants me to be happy and is doing a better job at being a good husband like I have always wanted? I told George that after years of him being a jerk to me it is hard to believe he has changed. I have been conditioned over the past 6 years. George points out that he is giving me more of what I want….that things are better….that I should be happy progress is being made in the right direction.
And you know what? It irritated the shit out of me that George makes it so damn simple. I am realizing that I am totally resistant to the idea that my husband may actually have admirable motives. I suppose it is counterproductive of me to be so negative and defensive. So frustrating.
Then in the last few minutes of our session I told him how screwed up every relationship in my life is and how I am tired of having to find my inner “I don’t give a fuck” to get thru the day.
He pointed out that I have to quit expecting people to be what they are not. That if my brother doesn’t want to be in touch then I need to except that and not let it bother me. I told him I want to have a real family. He pointed out that I have the family I have and that isn’t going to change just because I don’t like it.
He is right you know. I let the fact that my family is all fucked up get to me and really there is no reason to do that. I let myself get angry or mad…..I make myself upset. Why do I do that to myself???
I guess I am just mad (in general) that I don’t have a good supportive family, that my marriage is so much less than I had hoped, that my teenagers have fucked up priorities, that my job situation is deteriorating every day and finding a new job is not going to be easy or quick, that friends have abandoned me, etc. etc.
Life is fucking disappointing!
AND THEN WE WERE OUT OF TIME….just when it was getting really good.
So next week I need to go in and tell him “I want to be less angry at the world for not being the way I want it” “I want to be able to appreciate the fact that my husband is better than he was instead of still seeing him as a mere fraction of what I want and need in a spouse.” “Make me see a glass half full not half empty!!”
UGH!!!
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Am I Just Wasting my Time?
Saturday's long run sucked. I had way too much time to think. I ran by myself…well with my dog. I set out to do 13.1 and only completed about 11.5. That last mile I was mentally crawling back to the car.
The entire run I was milling over the conversation my husband and I had on Friday night. The net result is this simple statement:
I wanted to get married to have a companion for life, a friend I could count on no matter what, a person to keep me company when I am old. He is fiercely, FIERCELY independent and will NEVER be what I want and need in a husband.
And I spent the rest of the weekend depressed as hell.
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