My heart is heavy with the thought of John dying. I am so very sad. Everyone understands the feeling of loss that you have when a loved one dies.
I worked with John for 10 years. He was always a great friend. He would give you the shirt of his back if you needed it. He helped with the baby when Beanie used to go to work with me and he always slipped my dog treats when I wasn't looking.
I know you all understand why I am grieving for John and his family.
But I am having similar feelings about a lot of things right now...........
It came to me today that losing a job is a loss too even if you saw it coming. It's different from losing a person but still it is a loss. I am grieving the loss of my job.
I am also grieving the loss of character my boss had. I liked the guy. I liked Sarah. I really enjoyed the nursery. It's all tarnished and dirty now.
I am even grieving for his poor wife. I feel so bad for her because I know what she is going through right now.
I am also grieving for the loss of my ex-husband, Monster and Ramone's dad. He was such a great person but he has changed. His new wife has changed him. I am happy that he is happily married but it means that Friss and I no longer have a place in his life.
I am even sad about leaving my little rental house. In one week we will move and I will never set foot in this house again. I hope the little tree I planted out back grows up to be a big healthy shade tree. I hope the new tenants take care of it until it is bigger. I am very excited to start this new chapter in my life, with Kevin, but at the same time I am saying good-bye to our sweet little home that has been my refuse this last year.
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
New Furniture
How do you celebrate losing your job?
Well evidently I go furniture shopping.
Today I drove to the BIG CITY to shop at a huge furniture store that has amazing prices you really just can't beat. It was the last day of a big sale (over and above the normal very low prices) and we saved hundreds buy purchasing it today rather than waiting until we moved which was my original plan.
We have been looking for a new couch and love seat for the new house. My old black leather couch is going downstairs in the family room and the upstairs living room will need furniture.
Kevin's house is full of hand-me-downs from his Grandmother and mother and quite frankly his furniture is ugly, old and not our style so we agreed to not move it to the new house. It will get sold or given to a kid.
So today I purchased this sofa and the matching loveseat. They were about 50% of the MRP!!
...........and I couldn't resist purchasing this end table as well. It wasn't on the list but I kind of fell in love with it.
Well evidently I go furniture shopping.
Today I drove to the BIG CITY to shop at a huge furniture store that has amazing prices you really just can't beat. It was the last day of a big sale (over and above the normal very low prices) and we saved hundreds buy purchasing it today rather than waiting until we moved which was my original plan.
We have been looking for a new couch and love seat for the new house. My old black leather couch is going downstairs in the family room and the upstairs living room will need furniture.
Kevin's house is full of hand-me-downs from his Grandmother and mother and quite frankly his furniture is ugly, old and not our style so we agreed to not move it to the new house. It will get sold or given to a kid.
So today I purchased this sofa and the matching loveseat. They were about 50% of the MRP!!
 |
| leather does not collect dog fur! |
...........and I couldn't resist purchasing this end table as well. It wasn't on the list but I kind of fell in love with it.
Monday, February 23, 2015
One of THOSE Days
You ever have one of those days where you witness an act of kindness and it restores your faith in humanity?
Well today I am having the opposite of one of those days!! Today I feel like most people flat out suck and life is just shitty.
It started like any other Monday. I dropped my daughter at school and headed to the Nursery to work. Before I got there my boss texted me that he wouldn't be there until 11. I was actually happy he let me know because more than once now I have driven all the way up there and he wasn't there so I couldn't get into my barn to work which is a total waste of my time!
A few weeks ago I arrived and the door was locked so I called him and texted him and he totally ignored me so I just ran some errands and then gave up on working for the day. It was rude and I was a little pissed. The next day he wasn't there either but he did answer my call and tell me he was on his way.
Anyhow.....when I finally did get there, Sarah was in the office with him; something I hadn't seen in a very long time. (Maybe she was hiding due to shame.) So the fact that she was there perked my suspicions. She moved out of my chair and I sat down and started working. A few minutes later my boss, Jacob, told me that he wanted to talk. He then told me that he would have to let me go, that they just can't afford me, etc. (which is true, they can't afford me) I kind of thought this would be coming so I wasn't upset. I was however a little offended that Sarah was there. Was she his witness in case I went berserk? What ever happened to a private meeting when discussing something serious like the termination of your employment? I felt a little punched in the gut at the loss even though it was not a total surprise. I had kind of hoped to get a new job and leave gracefully in the near future.
Oh well.
I couldn't help but sit there wondering if they knew that I knew about them. If his wife told him she talked to me. If she did tell he didn't let on to it. What a freaking mess his life is. He really is pathetic.
I left there and headed to the construction company to drop off a book I had borrowed. When I arrived they informed me that John had been sent home for hospice care. I was pretty upset, but again, not surprised. John is / was our trucking manager. A really super great guy with kids and grandkids and even great grandkids. He was diagnosed with cancer in January and has been going down hill very fast. It is just heart breaking. I so wish I would have given him a hug when I left the office last time he was there. As I drove off that day I knew it was a mistake that I didn't.
Next I went by Kevin's office to collect a much needed hug. He, of course, was awesome as I told him all the bad news. He gave me a hug and told me everything would be OK. I fussed that I was worried about money and he assured me we would be fine. He even offered me some cash to be dramatic. He is my rock!
Next I swung by Ramone's house. She still doesn't have a phone!!! Her new boyfriend (who I actually like) does have a phone so at least there is that. They were home and I chatted with them for a bit. Then Ramone told me that her father, Friss's adoptive father, had a talked with her the other day to warn her that when Friss gets out (in 3 years) that she is not to hang around him since he will be bad for her, etc. etc. I thought to myself "she is more likely to be a bad influence on him!". I was very shocked that he did this. I didn't tell Ramone I was upset. I just gracefully wound up the conversation and headed to my car. In the car I thought I might call him and bitch him out but then I decided that was pointless. Instead I just made a mental note to myself "He is dead to me now". I need to learn to cut shitty people out of my life and not look back!
You see, I started dating their dad when Friss was only 4 years old. After we were married he adopted Friss. He is the only father Friss has ever known!! He hasn't been to visit him in a long time and Friss has been telling me how disappointed he is that his dad is blowing him off. His dad actually works close to the prison so it would be easy to stop by for a visit. His dad recently got remarried and has evidently decided to turn his back on Friss. What a gigantic POS!!!
I drove Monster to the gym today and asked him if his dad had said anything to him like he did Ramone. He said he did not but he was quick to add that it was shitty and that if his dad made him pick between his "new" family and Friss he would pick Friss.
At 3 I met with my attorney. She was the only bright spot in my day. She is an amazing woman and I just love her. She encouraged me to go back for child support. I explained that he is not really sharing bills as we originally agreed to. So after the move I will confront him and see if he wants to pay me the money he owes me or if we will be headed back to court.
Well today I am having the opposite of one of those days!! Today I feel like most people flat out suck and life is just shitty.
It started like any other Monday. I dropped my daughter at school and headed to the Nursery to work. Before I got there my boss texted me that he wouldn't be there until 11. I was actually happy he let me know because more than once now I have driven all the way up there and he wasn't there so I couldn't get into my barn to work which is a total waste of my time!
A few weeks ago I arrived and the door was locked so I called him and texted him and he totally ignored me so I just ran some errands and then gave up on working for the day. It was rude and I was a little pissed. The next day he wasn't there either but he did answer my call and tell me he was on his way.
Anyhow.....when I finally did get there, Sarah was in the office with him; something I hadn't seen in a very long time. (Maybe she was hiding due to shame.) So the fact that she was there perked my suspicions. She moved out of my chair and I sat down and started working. A few minutes later my boss, Jacob, told me that he wanted to talk. He then told me that he would have to let me go, that they just can't afford me, etc. (which is true, they can't afford me) I kind of thought this would be coming so I wasn't upset. I was however a little offended that Sarah was there. Was she his witness in case I went berserk? What ever happened to a private meeting when discussing something serious like the termination of your employment? I felt a little punched in the gut at the loss even though it was not a total surprise. I had kind of hoped to get a new job and leave gracefully in the near future.
Oh well.
I couldn't help but sit there wondering if they knew that I knew about them. If his wife told him she talked to me. If she did tell he didn't let on to it. What a freaking mess his life is. He really is pathetic.
I left there and headed to the construction company to drop off a book I had borrowed. When I arrived they informed me that John had been sent home for hospice care. I was pretty upset, but again, not surprised. John is / was our trucking manager. A really super great guy with kids and grandkids and even great grandkids. He was diagnosed with cancer in January and has been going down hill very fast. It is just heart breaking. I so wish I would have given him a hug when I left the office last time he was there. As I drove off that day I knew it was a mistake that I didn't.
Next I went by Kevin's office to collect a much needed hug. He, of course, was awesome as I told him all the bad news. He gave me a hug and told me everything would be OK. I fussed that I was worried about money and he assured me we would be fine. He even offered me some cash to be dramatic. He is my rock!
Next I swung by Ramone's house. She still doesn't have a phone!!! Her new boyfriend (who I actually like) does have a phone so at least there is that. They were home and I chatted with them for a bit. Then Ramone told me that her father, Friss's adoptive father, had a talked with her the other day to warn her that when Friss gets out (in 3 years) that she is not to hang around him since he will be bad for her, etc. etc. I thought to myself "she is more likely to be a bad influence on him!". I was very shocked that he did this. I didn't tell Ramone I was upset. I just gracefully wound up the conversation and headed to my car. In the car I thought I might call him and bitch him out but then I decided that was pointless. Instead I just made a mental note to myself "He is dead to me now". I need to learn to cut shitty people out of my life and not look back!
You see, I started dating their dad when Friss was only 4 years old. After we were married he adopted Friss. He is the only father Friss has ever known!! He hasn't been to visit him in a long time and Friss has been telling me how disappointed he is that his dad is blowing him off. His dad actually works close to the prison so it would be easy to stop by for a visit. His dad recently got remarried and has evidently decided to turn his back on Friss. What a gigantic POS!!!
I drove Monster to the gym today and asked him if his dad had said anything to him like he did Ramone. He said he did not but he was quick to add that it was shitty and that if his dad made him pick between his "new" family and Friss he would pick Friss.
At 3 I met with my attorney. She was the only bright spot in my day. She is an amazing woman and I just love her. She encouraged me to go back for child support. I explained that he is not really sharing bills as we originally agreed to. So after the move I will confront him and see if he wants to pay me the money he owes me or if we will be headed back to court.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Sadly Another Chump is Born!
First some background:
I work part time at a Nursery (plants not kids) and we are effectively closed for winter. I check in once a week or so to balance the bank accounts, open the mail and make sure bills are getting paid.
My boss is the owner. His name is Jacob. He is married to Jenny and they have 3 kids. The oldest is about the same age as Beanie. His wife is a lovely blond who works full time at the University. She pays the bills and carries the insurance since the Nursery has not turned out to be profitable yet.
When the Nursery shut down last December, my barn is the only one with heat so Jacob and Sarah both moved in with me. Sarah is our landscape designer. She is the only salaried full time employee. She is second in command if you will. The Nursery pays for her cell phone and she drives a company truck since she can't afford her own vehicle.
Sarah is an interesting character who I was quit fond of from the start. She is a dark haired beauty with a checkered past. She is in the mist of a nasty divorce from a guy that ruined her credit and beat her up so she left him. They have a 2 year old daughter. Sarah told me that customers routinely feel so comfortable around her that they tell her personal things they normally wouldn't share. I too was guilty of this. I considered her a friend.
One day in December it snowed a little but I went in to work anyway. I always go in on Monday mornings, especially if there is payroll to do. When I arrived, Jacob and Sarah were at my desk working on the "good" computer which is not weird. What was weird was how "rattled" they appeared when I showed up. I felt like I was interrupting and Jacob made some crack about how I was just nuts for getting out to drive in the snow.
It wasn't long after that that Jacob bought a good space heater for his barn and he and Sarah kind of disappeared. I didn't see them much. At one time I even asked why they moved out and he said something odd about my barn can't be party central or something. I actually assumed he wasn't getting work done with her there so he moved to his barn and she wasn't around much. He was still winding up inventory for year end and doing some final billing and planning orders for spring and the snow removal business.
Then I would see signs that her 2 year old was there; like toys and sippy cups so I knew she was around at least some of the time. I got the impression she would only come in when I wasn't there. One day my scissors were missing and he pulled them out of a drawer saying they must have hid them from the toddler.
I also found empty beer bottles and cans from time to time. Also, Jacob had started stocking some food in office. Like cans of soup and chips. Once I even found a empty wine bag!
At some point my barn door wasn't locking securely thanks to the cold so Jacob installed a dead bolt. It was a good idea but he never gave me a key so now I was basically locked out if he didn't let me in.
Last week I noticed a sleeping bag in Jacob's office. I assumed it was for the toddler to sleep on. Then again maybe it was so Jacob and Sarah could have sex in his office and not have to lie on the dirty floor!! I just had a bad feeling. I even considered telling Jenny to keep her eyes open but decided to butt out.
Today I was at home reading Facebook on my computer when my phone lit up with a text message from Jenny. "How long has Jacob been having an affair with Sarah?" My stomach dropped. I instinctively felt I had to reach out to her so I quickly called her. She was at work so didn't want to talk. She told me she found out because Sarah's STBX had been threatening Jacob via email or something like that. Jenny said she was filing for divorce. I told her I felt bad for her and was here if she needs an ear. I suggested she read chumplady!
I actually cried. I didn't want it to be true. I didn't want him to be that shitty. I didn't want them to all to start down that road that I know and understand intimately. I wanted them to be a happy family.
I don't want to take sides especially since he is my boss but really I am on her side. Her life just exploded.
AND....what the hell is he going to do for money? The nursery is broke and Sarah is paid by the nursery.
.
I work part time at a Nursery (plants not kids) and we are effectively closed for winter. I check in once a week or so to balance the bank accounts, open the mail and make sure bills are getting paid.
My boss is the owner. His name is Jacob. He is married to Jenny and they have 3 kids. The oldest is about the same age as Beanie. His wife is a lovely blond who works full time at the University. She pays the bills and carries the insurance since the Nursery has not turned out to be profitable yet.
When the Nursery shut down last December, my barn is the only one with heat so Jacob and Sarah both moved in with me. Sarah is our landscape designer. She is the only salaried full time employee. She is second in command if you will. The Nursery pays for her cell phone and she drives a company truck since she can't afford her own vehicle.
Sarah is an interesting character who I was quit fond of from the start. She is a dark haired beauty with a checkered past. She is in the mist of a nasty divorce from a guy that ruined her credit and beat her up so she left him. They have a 2 year old daughter. Sarah told me that customers routinely feel so comfortable around her that they tell her personal things they normally wouldn't share. I too was guilty of this. I considered her a friend.
One day in December it snowed a little but I went in to work anyway. I always go in on Monday mornings, especially if there is payroll to do. When I arrived, Jacob and Sarah were at my desk working on the "good" computer which is not weird. What was weird was how "rattled" they appeared when I showed up. I felt like I was interrupting and Jacob made some crack about how I was just nuts for getting out to drive in the snow.
It wasn't long after that that Jacob bought a good space heater for his barn and he and Sarah kind of disappeared. I didn't see them much. At one time I even asked why they moved out and he said something odd about my barn can't be party central or something. I actually assumed he wasn't getting work done with her there so he moved to his barn and she wasn't around much. He was still winding up inventory for year end and doing some final billing and planning orders for spring and the snow removal business.
Then I would see signs that her 2 year old was there; like toys and sippy cups so I knew she was around at least some of the time. I got the impression she would only come in when I wasn't there. One day my scissors were missing and he pulled them out of a drawer saying they must have hid them from the toddler.
I also found empty beer bottles and cans from time to time. Also, Jacob had started stocking some food in office. Like cans of soup and chips. Once I even found a empty wine bag!
At some point my barn door wasn't locking securely thanks to the cold so Jacob installed a dead bolt. It was a good idea but he never gave me a key so now I was basically locked out if he didn't let me in.
Last week I noticed a sleeping bag in Jacob's office. I assumed it was for the toddler to sleep on. Then again maybe it was so Jacob and Sarah could have sex in his office and not have to lie on the dirty floor!! I just had a bad feeling. I even considered telling Jenny to keep her eyes open but decided to butt out.
Today I was at home reading Facebook on my computer when my phone lit up with a text message from Jenny. "How long has Jacob been having an affair with Sarah?" My stomach dropped. I instinctively felt I had to reach out to her so I quickly called her. She was at work so didn't want to talk. She told me she found out because Sarah's STBX had been threatening Jacob via email or something like that. Jenny said she was filing for divorce. I told her I felt bad for her and was here if she needs an ear. I suggested she read chumplady!
I actually cried. I didn't want it to be true. I didn't want him to be that shitty. I didn't want them to all to start down that road that I know and understand intimately. I wanted them to be a happy family.
I don't want to take sides especially since he is my boss but really I am on her side. Her life just exploded.
AND....what the hell is he going to do for money? The nursery is broke and Sarah is paid by the nursery.
.
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
1/2 Marathon
Every year I sign up for a few half marathons because it motivates me to keep running and not skip my runs even when the weather is terrible. It also motivates me to keep my mileage up.
I am not a great runner and I am certainly not fast. Here lately I am running about a 10 minute average. I am still struggling with some breathing issues too. I sign up for the races knowing I won't win anything except the satisfaction of doing them well (or not so well).
So this spring I already signed up for my favorite early spring half. It is in a small town located about one hour from here. It is a charity event for a friend of mine. It is low key and rather inexpensive. It is also in the town that Roslyn (ex husbands GF) lives in. I know she will be there because she helps put on the event. I already did the mental math and decided it was not big deal. I can handle "seeing" her there.
Usually a small group of us carpool to the small town an hour away. We run the race in the morning then dine at a local Mexican restaurant for lunch before heading home. Last year I skipped the race because I was too overwhelmed with moving, or maybe it was the weather. I cant recall now.
The last few weeks I have been very purposefully running more to ramp up my training for this March 21st race. Kevin hasn't signed up cause "its too cold" for him to run outside and he doesn't have a gym membership. He's pretty out of shape at this point.
So, I paid my fee and mailed it off, put the race on the calendar and have been rather looking forward to it. It is motivating me just like it is supposed to. I am sure Kevin will tag along to cheer me on which will be fun.
Then, I happen to mention I was again going to this race to my ex-husband. He responded by telling me that he too was going to race it. In fact, his old adventure racing buddy and his wife would be there too because they are doing it for a little spring race challenge, just for fun. They are all excellent runners. XH went to college on a running scholarship. He is without a doubt the most beautiful and gifted runner I have ever personally met.
I have known ex husband since spring of 2006. In that time he has NEVER, not once, done a 1/2 marathon or any other running race that I can recall. He does adventure races and boat races but he hasn't done running races since college.
I asked him who was going to watch Beanie while he raced. He told me he didn't have a plan yet. (The race is during his scheduled visitation.) I know he was just going to leave her with Roslyn at the race start but he didn't want to tell me.
So now the mental math adds up to NO I don't want to see him and his buddies and his girlfriend all being chummy. No I don't want to deal with the feeling it will stir up in me. No I won't be going.
AND he even told me he wants me to go so he can see me. He is obviously out of his mind. Like it would be fun to chum around with him and his friends that don't like me and feel that I fucked him over by cheating on him and leaving our marriage. Like I want to see his GF watch my child so he can race. Like I want to be there when he gets an award while is GF watches on beaming with pride.
No I won't be going.
And I am sad and disappointed and quite frankly pissed. It's not fair that I have to change my normal habit so he can do something out of the ordinary.
I did tell him I would be keeping our daughter and he can have her Sunday instead. Basically swapping days. Knowing she isn't hanging out with them will make me feel a little bit better.
Why does it always seem that I end up having to change MY plans so I don't have to deal with an ex friend, husband or whatever who is acting like and ass?
I am not a great runner and I am certainly not fast. Here lately I am running about a 10 minute average. I am still struggling with some breathing issues too. I sign up for the races knowing I won't win anything except the satisfaction of doing them well (or not so well).
So this spring I already signed up for my favorite early spring half. It is in a small town located about one hour from here. It is a charity event for a friend of mine. It is low key and rather inexpensive. It is also in the town that Roslyn (ex husbands GF) lives in. I know she will be there because she helps put on the event. I already did the mental math and decided it was not big deal. I can handle "seeing" her there.
Usually a small group of us carpool to the small town an hour away. We run the race in the morning then dine at a local Mexican restaurant for lunch before heading home. Last year I skipped the race because I was too overwhelmed with moving, or maybe it was the weather. I cant recall now.
The last few weeks I have been very purposefully running more to ramp up my training for this March 21st race. Kevin hasn't signed up cause "its too cold" for him to run outside and he doesn't have a gym membership. He's pretty out of shape at this point.
So, I paid my fee and mailed it off, put the race on the calendar and have been rather looking forward to it. It is motivating me just like it is supposed to. I am sure Kevin will tag along to cheer me on which will be fun.
Then, I happen to mention I was again going to this race to my ex-husband. He responded by telling me that he too was going to race it. In fact, his old adventure racing buddy and his wife would be there too because they are doing it for a little spring race challenge, just for fun. They are all excellent runners. XH went to college on a running scholarship. He is without a doubt the most beautiful and gifted runner I have ever personally met.
I have known ex husband since spring of 2006. In that time he has NEVER, not once, done a 1/2 marathon or any other running race that I can recall. He does adventure races and boat races but he hasn't done running races since college.
I asked him who was going to watch Beanie while he raced. He told me he didn't have a plan yet. (The race is during his scheduled visitation.) I know he was just going to leave her with Roslyn at the race start but he didn't want to tell me.
So now the mental math adds up to NO I don't want to see him and his buddies and his girlfriend all being chummy. No I don't want to deal with the feeling it will stir up in me. No I won't be going.
AND he even told me he wants me to go so he can see me. He is obviously out of his mind. Like it would be fun to chum around with him and his friends that don't like me and feel that I fucked him over by cheating on him and leaving our marriage. Like I want to see his GF watch my child so he can race. Like I want to be there when he gets an award while is GF watches on beaming with pride.
No I won't be going.
And I am sad and disappointed and quite frankly pissed. It's not fair that I have to change my normal habit so he can do something out of the ordinary.
I did tell him I would be keeping our daughter and he can have her Sunday instead. Basically swapping days. Knowing she isn't hanging out with them will make me feel a little bit better.
Why does it always seem that I end up having to change MY plans so I don't have to deal with an ex friend, husband or whatever who is acting like and ass?
Always Cold
I took this picture of Kevin this morning. This is a typical morning. Not sure why, but I just feel like sharing......so let me tell you all about it.
He is talking to a guy at work. He likes to manage from the house as long as he can get away with it. They always start calling or texting him around 6 am. He usually leaves the house after 8. He always goes in to work late. Not sure why he does it but he swears he won't get in trouble. His truck is in the driveway running....he is waiting for it to warm up. I prefer to keep my car in the garage so it doesn't need to warm up. If I had a real job I would probably get there on time....or close to it. Piddling at home for as long as possible would not appeal to me.
I brought him that bag of McDonalds. It contains an Egg McMuffin. He usually has an Egg McMuffin for breakfast every day. After he wolves down that sandwich he will guzzle that juice that he purchased at HyVee. He prefers to shop there so he can avoid "the people of Wal-Mart". When he eats so fast and chugs a drink I cringe a little. I believe there are many good reasons to eat slowly and chew thoroughly. He says he enjoys his juice more if he drinks it all at once. Weird. I generally don't like to eat "fast food" and I certainly try not to eat it fast.
That couch and table will NOT be moving to the new house. YUCK
He has an "I" tablet. I have a Nexus tablet. We both spend more time on our tablets than we do watching TV. I would NEVER buy an apple tablet. He would never buy anything but Apple products.
See that pretty brown throw he is under? That is what I got him for Valentine's Day. It is a heated blanket. His skinny little shivery dog is under there too. The dog loves it almost more than Kevin does.
You see, this man is always cold and I am almost always TOO WARM. This is a constant struggle for both of us. I don't want to freeze the poor guy out but then again, if I am sitting there in nothing but shorts and a tank and still too warm then we have a problem. Also I can NOT sleep if I am too hot. I tried, just for him, and I can't do it. I wake up covered in sweat! I sleep best when the house is about 60 degrees. Kevin complains his head gets cold. It occurred to me the other day that he has very little hair so his head probably does get colder than mine.
I told him early on that this would be an issue for us. He prefers the house at 68 degrees. If I am just sitting around I can handle 68. But, if I am actually doing something besides sitting still 68 is too hot. I keep my house between 60 and 65.
Generally he lets me control the temperature in the house and then he complains periodically. I believe that keeping the house really warm just conditions you to be colder all the time. I go outside and run in the cold weather and it is a lot easier to handle the temperature outside if I am not emerging from a house that is super warm. I am used to the cold and I like it that way.
Kevin loves his new blanket. I do too! Now I can keep the house cooler and he just gets under his blanket and doesn't complain that he is cold. In fact, he takes it to bed with him. For Christmas he will probably get another one. Ha!
We are two very different people. I honestly have more in common with my ex husband when it comes to stuff like this. But, I don't let it bother me. We make it work just fine. We don't squabble over little things. We compromise and get along. No one has to be a winner.
At the end of the day, I know he loves me and would do just about ANYTHING for me and that is what really matters.
AND....the heated throw was such a great idea!! (I am proud of myself)
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Monster Turns 22
Today is Monster's birthday.
I went to the bank and got a brand new, crisp, $100 bill to put in his card.
I happen to see his sister today and she told me that they were going out to dinner to celebrate his birthday. I inquired as to where and when hoping I could go also.
Then she confess that her father and his new wife were taking everyone out and I was NOT invited.
Until she came along me and the kids father would take them out and split the bill 50/50. It was always a fun time to get everyone together but now he can't invite me cause new wife doesn't like me. She is obviously co-dependent and insecure and that leaves me out in the cold.
When she first started hanging around we would still split the bill 50/50 even though he brought a date and I didn't!!
Anyhow, they obviously planned this ahead of time and that is where I made my mistake. I didn't plan an activity with him. Sometimes I am really terrible about such things. I get busy with all the day to day stuff and don't plan ahead for birthdays and such. Besides, in the past, on the actual birthday, the kids would blow me off in favor of hanging with their buddies not there boring old mom.
SO....note to self....from now on I need to schedule my own birthday dinners with the kids and preferably beat their dad at making the date.
I went to the bank and got a brand new, crisp, $100 bill to put in his card.
I happen to see his sister today and she told me that they were going out to dinner to celebrate his birthday. I inquired as to where and when hoping I could go also.
Then she confess that her father and his new wife were taking everyone out and I was NOT invited.
Until she came along me and the kids father would take them out and split the bill 50/50. It was always a fun time to get everyone together but now he can't invite me cause new wife doesn't like me. She is obviously co-dependent and insecure and that leaves me out in the cold.
When she first started hanging around we would still split the bill 50/50 even though he brought a date and I didn't!!
Anyhow, they obviously planned this ahead of time and that is where I made my mistake. I didn't plan an activity with him. Sometimes I am really terrible about such things. I get busy with all the day to day stuff and don't plan ahead for birthdays and such. Besides, in the past, on the actual birthday, the kids would blow me off in favor of hanging with their buddies not there boring old mom.
SO....note to self....from now on I need to schedule my own birthday dinners with the kids and preferably beat their dad at making the date.
Monday, February 16, 2015
The Tractor
We finally got enough snow that Kevin could break out the tractor.
He absolutely loves this tractor!!
We live in town so other than pushing some snow there is no real practical reason to have this tractor. Yet, it takes up most of our garage and is given love and care like a member of the family.
You see, Kevin's Grandfather purchased this Ford tractor brand new in 1952. He used it on his farm. When he passed away, Kevin's dad Bob inherited the farm and the tractor. The farm house that Bob had been raised in was long gone by then, but they owned the land free and clear and it brought in a tidy sum by being rented to the neighbor for his cattle. Bob stored the tractor in a shed on the land. He would go visit it regularly and take it for a spin. Later he had a friend restore it to it's original glory. Bob loved the tractor too. It reminded him of his childhood.
Eventually Bob was offered a good sum of money to sell the farm land and he feared he would also need to sell the tractor. He didn't really have anywhere to keep it and without the land I guess he just figured it would be silly to hang on to it.
When Kevin heard he was selling the tractor he eagerly phoned his dad and asked if he could buy it. His father was so thrilled that Kevin wanted it he gave it to him for free.
So, when we went shopping for a new home, we had to get a house with a 3 car garage or at least a john deer door in the basement. Silly old tractor is a pain in my butt!!
........but hey, it's family.
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Valentines Day
Thankfully.....No huge bouquet of roses this year!! (We can't afford that nonsense.)
We didn't do anything too exciting today.
I did my normal long run with Stina. After that we went to the Optimist Club pancake breakfast with Kevin's family. I ran into an old friend there which was awesome.
BTW - He has a great family.
We exchanged gifts and "cuddled"....which was lovely.
We sat on the couch and stared at the wall we are supposed to be painting and just didn't feel up to it.
I picked up Beanie around 6 pm and her father gave me a bottle of wine and a bag of candy and said "Happy Valentine's Day". It seemed awkward. I certainly didn't get him anything. Upon further examination the wine was not a kind I like and the candy was dark chocolate while I prefer milk chocolate. I know he was trying to be nice but I can't help but wonder why. I don't need wine or chocolate and the fact that he doesn't know what I like (which hasn't changed in years) is so revealing.
We didn't do anything too exciting today.
I did my normal long run with Stina. After that we went to the Optimist Club pancake breakfast with Kevin's family. I ran into an old friend there which was awesome.
BTW - He has a great family.
We exchanged gifts and "cuddled"....which was lovely.
We sat on the couch and stared at the wall we are supposed to be painting and just didn't feel up to it.
I picked up Beanie around 6 pm and her father gave me a bottle of wine and a bag of candy and said "Happy Valentine's Day". It seemed awkward. I certainly didn't get him anything. Upon further examination the wine was not a kind I like and the candy was dark chocolate while I prefer milk chocolate. I know he was trying to be nice but I can't help but wonder why. I don't need wine or chocolate and the fact that he doesn't know what I like (which hasn't changed in years) is so revealing.
Thursday, February 12, 2015
LONG Talk
Beanie's father has one real friend in the world. Her name is Lauren. At some point, in the past few months, he told me he was going to talk to her about his feeling for me, our marriage and our divorce. He generally doesn't confide in people but I am sure if he were to reveal anything to anyone it would be to her.
I told him I too had considered talking to Lauren about things. (She is a very warm and understanding woman who is not on anyone's side. She does volunteer work at a crisis hotline in her spare time.) He encouraged me to do so. She knows JDK better than anyone besides me and I thought she may offer me some insight as to how he has changed or if he has changed, etc.
Well, after this last "round" of me being so flipping upset by the man I decided to actually make that appointment to talk to Lauren.
so.....last night Beanie was with her dad and Kevin was out of town for work and I called Lauren. We talked for 3 hours!
It was good.
Overall she was obviously trying to be impartial, be a good listener and offer broad advise like she would to any friend. She didn't tell me anything that he had told her (not that I expected her to). In fact she said over and over "I really don't know much of what is going on with you two. You know JDK, he doesn't share". (which is totally true)
However, she did tell me a few things I found interesting:
1) She told me that she really feels that Beanie is well adjusted and doing just find despite the divorce. This was good to hear. Frankly I agree. She seems pretty happy and normal.
2) She thinks either we are just toxic to each another; or (as he says) we just got off to a bad start and never got past it but if that problem were solved we could actually have a solid relationship. She advised that the only way to know which it is, is to start dating each other! (funny he had the same idea....coincidence or not?)
3) She told me that right after his first wife, Nikki, left him he told Lauren that it was really a tragedy because he was just starting to really love her!
This last one really got me to thinking. You see, he had dated Nikki off and on all through college. I am sure it was a bit rocky at times. Later he chose to marry her unlike how he didn't "choose" me. He told me that he married her because she stuck with him for so long. I got the idea he valued her loyalty and devotion to him. The fact that he said he was just starting to really love her after all those years and a big giant formal wedding is just crazy.
I really believe there is something wrong with him and he can't really possibly LOVE anyone. It is just not in his mind or heart to really give of himself the way a person in love does or to let another person into his heart like he would if he loved them.
My point is......I don't know what LOVE means to him but I am pretty sure it is not the same as what it means to me. And that is a very important thing to understand / know.
He still tells me he loves me all the time and it bothers me until I think "oh, he means thank you for being cooperative" or what ever the situation is that day.
I told him I too had considered talking to Lauren about things. (She is a very warm and understanding woman who is not on anyone's side. She does volunteer work at a crisis hotline in her spare time.) He encouraged me to do so. She knows JDK better than anyone besides me and I thought she may offer me some insight as to how he has changed or if he has changed, etc.
Well, after this last "round" of me being so flipping upset by the man I decided to actually make that appointment to talk to Lauren.
so.....last night Beanie was with her dad and Kevin was out of town for work and I called Lauren. We talked for 3 hours!
It was good.
Overall she was obviously trying to be impartial, be a good listener and offer broad advise like she would to any friend. She didn't tell me anything that he had told her (not that I expected her to). In fact she said over and over "I really don't know much of what is going on with you two. You know JDK, he doesn't share". (which is totally true)
However, she did tell me a few things I found interesting:
1) She told me that she really feels that Beanie is well adjusted and doing just find despite the divorce. This was good to hear. Frankly I agree. She seems pretty happy and normal.
2) She thinks either we are just toxic to each another; or (as he says) we just got off to a bad start and never got past it but if that problem were solved we could actually have a solid relationship. She advised that the only way to know which it is, is to start dating each other! (funny he had the same idea....coincidence or not?)
3) She told me that right after his first wife, Nikki, left him he told Lauren that it was really a tragedy because he was just starting to really love her!
This last one really got me to thinking. You see, he had dated Nikki off and on all through college. I am sure it was a bit rocky at times. Later he chose to marry her unlike how he didn't "choose" me. He told me that he married her because she stuck with him for so long. I got the idea he valued her loyalty and devotion to him. The fact that he said he was just starting to really love her after all those years and a big giant formal wedding is just crazy.
I really believe there is something wrong with him and he can't really possibly LOVE anyone. It is just not in his mind or heart to really give of himself the way a person in love does or to let another person into his heart like he would if he loved them.
My point is......I don't know what LOVE means to him but I am pretty sure it is not the same as what it means to me. And that is a very important thing to understand / know.
He still tells me he loves me all the time and it bothers me until I think "oh, he means thank you for being cooperative" or what ever the situation is that day.
Friday, February 6, 2015
TOO MAD TO SLEEP
It's 5 am and I am seriously too mad to sleep. SOoooo I guess I will type up a rant for the world to read so they can see what a fucking nut job I am.
I left Beanie's father because he really didn't seem very interested in having a relationship with me and I was just sick and tired of being lonely. Over the years I begged and bargained to get him to understand that I needed to be closer and needed to spend more time with him, etc. I would have been thrilled if we could have spent even one night a week hanging out together and actually paying attention to each other.
He always told me, over and over again, that he is an introvert and a loner and doesn't really like spending time with people. While we were married he spent all his free time out in the woods chain-sawing, down in the basement tinkering, off on his bike or at the gym. For years and years he did all these things alone and told me this was just his nature (it really wasn't to avoid me so I shouldn't be hurt) and what makes him happy in life. For years and years I did my best to get over it and occupy myself since he didn't want or need to be my friend. (this is NOT good for a marriage as we all know.) So basically I was led to believe that he couldn't change this for me because it was just who he is.
NOW, he is selling the chainsaws because he never uses them. He spends 3 nights a week with our daughter and the other 4 nights a week with his girlfriend. Yes, it is normal to spend your spare time with your girlfriend BUT he is such a loaner and craves alone time ^see the last paragraph^!!! When I ask him how he can stand not having his precious alone time he reply that now he HATES to be alone. Can't stand it!!
DO YOU SEE WHY I AM PISSED?!?!?!?!
Now, he tells me that he learned so much from me and that he is now a better person because of me. That I taught him how he should behave when in a relationship and he is grateful. That he won't apologize to me for being a better person now.
DO YOU SEE WHY I AM UPSET!?!?!?
I mean seriously ...why the fuck couldn't he do this when we were married??? Why the fuck does she get the new and improved him and he couldn't do it for me? I know what you are thinking, different people bring out different things in other people. He must be crazy about her and pulling out all the stops to make it work.
I really don't think that is the case. He tells me that is not the case. He has been with her for a year now and I am sure the shiny new is worn off. I don't think he could be acting for a whole year. I mean surely he would at least want one night a week to be alone....right? She lives an hour away and he drives to her place at least once a week. I mean he goes WAY out of his way to not be alone.
No doubt she thinks I am a nut job for ditching such a great guy. I mean now, he does seem like a good guy. I would want him. I do want him. But now it is too late. Now I have a new life. Now the only way to save my marriage is to totally fuck over a super nice person who has had nothing but 100% faith in me and been 100% good to me from DAY ONE!
THIS WHOLE THING JUST MAKES MY HEAD WANT TO POP!
XH tells me all the damn time that he would do all that stuff for me too now that he has "seen the light". He tells me I am family and he loves me and he doesn't love her. He tells me that he regrets how he treated me and would jump at the chance to get back together and make things right.
Seriously this is such a colossal mind fuck for me. I don't know how to get past it. WHY THE HELL COULDNT HE HAVE DONE THIS SHIT WHEN WE WERE MARRIED???
It would have been so much easier than all the shit I have gone through in the last year. I would have rather just stayed married if he was actually capable of being a decent husband. GAHHHH
I left Beanie's father because he really didn't seem very interested in having a relationship with me and I was just sick and tired of being lonely. Over the years I begged and bargained to get him to understand that I needed to be closer and needed to spend more time with him, etc. I would have been thrilled if we could have spent even one night a week hanging out together and actually paying attention to each other.
He always told me, over and over again, that he is an introvert and a loner and doesn't really like spending time with people. While we were married he spent all his free time out in the woods chain-sawing, down in the basement tinkering, off on his bike or at the gym. For years and years he did all these things alone and told me this was just his nature (it really wasn't to avoid me so I shouldn't be hurt) and what makes him happy in life. For years and years I did my best to get over it and occupy myself since he didn't want or need to be my friend. (this is NOT good for a marriage as we all know.) So basically I was led to believe that he couldn't change this for me because it was just who he is.
NOW, he is selling the chainsaws because he never uses them. He spends 3 nights a week with our daughter and the other 4 nights a week with his girlfriend. Yes, it is normal to spend your spare time with your girlfriend BUT he is such a loaner and craves alone time ^see the last paragraph^!!! When I ask him how he can stand not having his precious alone time he reply that now he HATES to be alone. Can't stand it!!
DO YOU SEE WHY I AM PISSED?!?!?!?!
Now, he tells me that he learned so much from me and that he is now a better person because of me. That I taught him how he should behave when in a relationship and he is grateful. That he won't apologize to me for being a better person now.
DO YOU SEE WHY I AM UPSET!?!?!?
I mean seriously ...why the fuck couldn't he do this when we were married??? Why the fuck does she get the new and improved him and he couldn't do it for me? I know what you are thinking, different people bring out different things in other people. He must be crazy about her and pulling out all the stops to make it work.
I really don't think that is the case. He tells me that is not the case. He has been with her for a year now and I am sure the shiny new is worn off. I don't think he could be acting for a whole year. I mean surely he would at least want one night a week to be alone....right? She lives an hour away and he drives to her place at least once a week. I mean he goes WAY out of his way to not be alone.
No doubt she thinks I am a nut job for ditching such a great guy. I mean now, he does seem like a good guy. I would want him. I do want him. But now it is too late. Now I have a new life. Now the only way to save my marriage is to totally fuck over a super nice person who has had nothing but 100% faith in me and been 100% good to me from DAY ONE!
THIS WHOLE THING JUST MAKES MY HEAD WANT TO POP!
XH tells me all the damn time that he would do all that stuff for me too now that he has "seen the light". He tells me I am family and he loves me and he doesn't love her. He tells me that he regrets how he treated me and would jump at the chance to get back together and make things right.
Seriously this is such a colossal mind fuck for me. I don't know how to get past it. WHY THE HELL COULDNT HE HAVE DONE THIS SHIT WHEN WE WERE MARRIED???
It would have been so much easier than all the shit I have gone through in the last year. I would have rather just stayed married if he was actually capable of being a decent husband. GAHHHH
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)