Fixing Up Kevin's House

Kevin purchased this home in the mid '90s and raised his kids here. The house still had the original 1960s kitchen so it did not have a dishwasher.

I think selling the home with no dishwasher might be tough since it is more of a starter home and the potential buyer would not have money to gut the kitchen. The house is in a great location so we have that going for us but we agreed to do a few smaller updates so the house is more marketable.

Just a few weeks ago the new counter top was installed, along with a dishwasher and a new faucet. I kept the old nice solid stainless steel sink that would cost hundreds to replace because by golly there is nothing wrong with it.  I think it turned out nice and would no longer be a deal breaker to the potential buyer.

Last weekend we painted the kitchen a light neutral color and added this bead board trim. There had been 1985 wallpaper on this wall!!! I truly regret I have no before photos to offer you.  It was old, ugly and dirty.  Now it is fresh and stylish.  (We still need to paint that door to the garage.)  A fresh paint job really makes everything look nicer.

Working on the house all weekend with Kevin was not my favorite way to spend my time, but I have to say we work well together and having good company makes such projects a whole lot less of a drag.

When I was a girl, my father would do weekend projects and they always made him touchy so we would stay FAR AWAY!!  If his project wasn't going smoothly he would yell or even lash out at anyone near by.  At one point this weekend I sensed a familiar tension in the air as something wasn't going well.  I felt myself bracing for a hot temper to rise in Kevin.  It never did.  I then realized I was just remembering how my father would have handled the stress.  So thankful that Kevin is such a peaceful, kind person who doesn't blow up emotionally.

Blue House

We are the proud new owners of the Blue House! We are so excited. 

Here are a few more pictures.

I love the paint color but hate those pendant lights.  It will be easy enough to change them out.
They agreed to leave the TVs that are attached to the wall.  They are also leaving all the appliances including the refrigerator.  AND they are leaving the clothes washer and dryer.

Master bath - shower has two heads.

I LOVE this big screened in porch.  I have always wanted one.
  Kevin is, of course, excited about his basement garage for the motorcycle and tractor.

There is a downstairs family room.
 I think we will be very happy we have this extra space.
We don't have a fancy entertainment center to put here but I will be setting up my bike on the trainer.

This is the upstairs living room. 
I like this red sectional.
Our furniture is pathetic and will not look this nice in here.... so we will be shopping for a sectional
as soon as we sell the other house.

I called and got the current interest rates and did a few amortization schedules for Kevin to see what our payments will be.  I worried that seeing the numbers would deflate him a bit.  But no, he is still super excited.

The Magic Pantry

Yesterday at 1 pm I went and viewed the "Blue house" again.  It was so lovely.  It was the builders home originally and built 4 years ago with many upgrades.  Two years ago the family that lives there now purchased it.  They take VERY good care of it and it really shows in the details.  The house is not huge, but it has so many nice touches.  It has a huge screened in covered porch.  The patio doors have the blinds built in.  The panty has a motion detecting light.  There are tons of built ins and tons of storage.  The basement has many large windows and high ceiling.  They use it as their main family room.  In the long run, for the price it is an amazing home.  AND it is in THE PERFECT location.  3 miles from Beanies school and just a few miles from where we live now. 

Best of all, as I pulled up for the second showing I noticed the house across the street is back on the market.  We looked it up.  A bigger home for the same price.  Options people....we have options!!

Last night we went to see the house across the street.  I now call it the "Magic Pantry" house.  It has the wood floors I want and the fire place is not in the middle of the house.  Open floor plan so I can see everything that is going on.  We loved the master bath and closet and the counter tops were the most beautiful granite I have ever seen.  BUT, the house didn't have a lot of nice details.  The cabinets were worn and the windows were cheap.  The basement floor was stained concrete and chipped up.  No screened in porch.  It badly needed a nice paint job.  The house had never been loved and it really showed.  AND the weirdest thing was behind a large kitchen cabinet door was the mud room / pantry.  It was just odd.  In the middle of the kitchen was a 6x8 foot hidden room.  I mean it will work but I wasn't really a fan.  I worry that the doors aren't sturdy enough.

blue house is way prettier....I kind of loath the beige siding.

open floor plan is very nice



lighter cabinets are more my style but they were worn and dirty!

see the "Magic Pantry"?!?!

We left confident that our first choice was the Blue house and this house was an excellent backup plan and a great negotiation tool.

So today we will make an offer on the Blue house!!

Red Flags, Baggage and Money

Monday night Kevin and I went to look at another house.  He is proceeding as planned assuming we need to find a house to buy before my lease is up.  I told him I would move in with him at the end of march in his current home.  I told him I didn't want to buy a house until we were married.  He says we will get married at some point in the future.  He is vague.  Communication is not so great right now....not sure exactly why.

The house is in THE PERFECT location.  It is a bit pricy but VERY pretty.

Curb Appeal!  Not a boring beige house.

Big kitchen with a huge island for my Bean to hang out with me.  Wish it had wood floors.

Living room on main floor.  Tons of windows.  Covered porch that overlooks the neighborhood pool.

I walked in this bedroom and felt so peaceful.

As we toured the house he got excited and I got quiet. I knew he loved it and we were going to have some hard talks ahead of us.  Even Julia (my agent and good friend) could tell I was not right.  She asked me like 8 times why I was so quiet.

Back home we both agreed to think it over.  He said he loved everything about it.  I told him I wanted wood floors in the kitchen and was not a fan of where the fireplace was situated.  We left it at that.

Tuesday was Kevin's birthday so we went to his parents house for dinner. We had a very nice evening.  He was in a great mood.  Things felt so much better.  The house didn't come up.

Last night, we met on the couch as usual.  We chatted a bit and then he wanted to talk about the house some more.  He agreed that if I wasn't 100% on board it was a no go.  We talked about money and marriage and all the things that had been concerning me.  I felt heard and validated.  He was his usual kind and loving self.

This morning I woke up around 3:30 am and my mind was churning.  Friss's real dad had worked while I stayed home with the baby.  He abandoned me and left me with about $2 to my name.  I had no car, no job and no money.  I was screwed and vowed never to let another human being do that to me again.

M&R's dad was a man child who wanted me to be the grown up in the relationship.  I made all the decisions and took all the responsibility.  I hated that pressure.   I have since really shied away from any man that gives me ANY hint that he expects or wants to be taken care of.  Kevin has always stood firm that he expects no one to take care of him yet when he bitches about the cold and his job I start to feel he is being a baby.  Red flags go up!

JDK was adamant that he wouldn't support me and that I would pay my way in life.  He wanted to be more like roommates then husband and wife. We never comingled our funds and he just sponged off me when ever he could.  Kevin has no savings so I assume that I will be baring the brunt of this house deal and that makes me leery.

This whole issue is about me looking as hard as I can for red flags because I have been burned before.  I bring a TON of baggage to this relationship.  I have so many issues it takes me days of thinking to sort it all out.  After our talk I realized that I was taking things he was saying all wrong.  I realized that I was not trusting him at all.  I realized that I was filtering the whole situation through all the shitty things that had taken place in my past and that really isn't fair.

It probably was no coincidence that I found   THIS BLOG ARTICLE last night after our talk.

I woke him up at 3:30 am and he was happy to talk some more.  I shared my thoughts.  He listened and held me.  We agreed I would go look at the house again.  We agreed to make a budget.  He agreed we would split the down payment and he would shoulder the house payments for both houses until he sold his old house.  Then he would pay the new house payments until I got another full time job when Beanie is a bit older say 10 or 12 and then I would help pay for more stuff.  He doesn't want to take advantage of me at all.  He wants us to have a nice life with a nice house and be happy.

BUT what about the job he hates you ask?  He agreed he won't quit until he finds another job especially if we buy a new, more expensive home.  He says "well duh, I have to make house payments".

BUT what about the marriage?  He says he wants to do it right and I need to be patient because good things come to those who wait.  I think he has a plan and I don't think I will be disappointed.

Really if I don't trust him what do we have? He has never given me a reason not to trust him, EVER.  I need to judge him by what HE does, not by how others have behaved in the past.

So today I am going to look at the house again.  This time with a new attitude.

Holiday

Last night I passed our daughter to her daddy and he delivered her to his parents on the way to visit his girlfriend.  I am currently "under" employed and was more than happy to keep her for the day because I didn't have to work.  I mean that was part of my plan....spend more time with her. 

BUT, I want her to spend time with her grandparents.  They are good people and every minute she spends with them is valuable.  They are older and have some health issues so anything could happen at anytime!

Still I was disappointed at the whole exercise.

He figured he was doing us a big favor by pawning her off for the day.  He was trying to be nice.  Also, he wanted me to go for a bike ride with him.  I told him I could not.  He invited me to go with him to pick her up this evening....I declined.  He is more adamant then ever that he wants to win me back.

It is just making me feel uncomfortable with him at this point.  He feels like a stranger in so many ways.  I can't date him....I have a boyfriend!!

Kevin had to work today.  He feels farther away than ever.  I am of the mind set right now that I will not buy a house with him until we get married and I will not marry him until I live with him for a while and make sure we are on track. 

My lease is up at the end of March and I can't renew it now....I let that deadline pass in December.  In fact they are actively marketing my home to the next renter.   Lately I am really wishing I had renewed my lease because I do enjoy having my OWN place and being able to get away from everyone.  I love this little house!  Then again, I am kind of living off my saving so staying here another year would mean I basically burn through $12,000 that I really don't want to waste.

I have even considered just buying a modest house on my own.  At least I wouldn't be "throwing" money away on rent.  But then it could be a total hassle should I decide that I do want to commit to living with someone else or moving away or what ever.

Hell I can't buy a house with out a full time job....who am I kidding.

My Running Buddy Stina

Not sure if I told you but Stina is pregnant again.

 

she posted this on her blog a few weeks ago.

This morning Stina and I ran a slow 7 miles together. She is now about 22 weeks along now and can only manage about 7 miles at a time. She is getting slower and slower. I love to run with her and value our time together so I am just hanging in there with her despite the fact that I want, and need, to go further and faster. I did this last time when she was pregnant with Isaac and it hurt my training a lot.

The new baby is a girl and we are calling her Clair-bear.  I am really excited for her. 

But golly I need to train harder and get my diet back under control.   I was feeling strong about my resolve to get back in shape and this last week has been a disaster!

Wise

Friss calls me almost every day.  I tell him EVERYTHING that is going on.  I mind dump on him.  We can only talk for an hour at most but we can cover a lot in that hour.

He gives me great advice.  I mean his whole job is self awareness and improvement.  He is an expert at life (as odd as that may seem) because he has the luxury of being in therapy 24/7!

I shared with him all my concerns about Kevin.  I have shared with him all that is going on between me and JDK. 

He thinks my main issue is that Kevin and I are not openly communicating like we used to and that has me sort of triggered.  If people keep secrets from me it does turn me off and make me suspicious.  AND now all of a sudden JDK is actually trying to communicate.

Almost a role reversal!  NO wonder I am off balance.

He says I need to talk to Kevin more...........to share my concerns about money and the house and marriage.  I want to ask Kevin "hey you were gung ho to get married and now if I bring it up you brush me off, what has changed?"

For some reason I have such a hard time starting these types of conversation and when I do try to start them, I have a hard time following through if the other person doesn't jump in and openly share.  I wish I was good at probing question.  I wish I was good at making people feel open and comfortable sharing.  I know that at times I ask a question and it's the wrong one.  I know I can make people defensive.

UGH

Maybe Kevin is dodging the wedding issue because he is cooking up a surprise or something nice and I am just being paranoid.  Maybe I should be more patient and understanding.  Maybe when he bitches he is cold or hates his job he just needs a hug and to be comforted,understood.  Am I taking too much responsibility for how he feels?  How very co-dependent of me.

Oh god I wish I was better at being nurturing!

Why can't I just make up my mind or have a solid opinion of my own and not let the people around me mentally pull me around and around?

Ma and Farmer Bill

This is my mother.  She is 83.  She is in good health.  Don't let the wacky hair scare you!!!

This is her boyfriend "Farmer Bill".  He is a great guy.  She is so crazy in love with him.

He recently had his appendix out and then caught pneumonia while in the hospital so now he is in a nursing home.  Temporarily is the plan but at their age you never know.

I am really worried for my mom.  She will be devastated if he leaves her life.

Going Home

Kevin has been out of town a lot so we have not had much time together, much less quality time.

Also, he has been grumpy about work and keeps talking about how he can't stand his job and really needs to quit.  He brought up (again) the idea that he needs to quit his job before he finds a new one so he can get some much needed time off.  I think this is totally irresponsible and quite frankly it pisses me off.  He thinks he will just find a new job that he loves no problem.  Really?  I think the job market is tight, he doesn't have a degree and he should be damn grateful to have a good paying job at all.  He rarely works overtime and is making 6 figures.  Yeah it may not be fun but by golly can't he see the upside of this?  I know I can.

Add to the above that he has been bitching NON STOP about the cold.  He stays in bed late "It's cold out there!".  He exclaims "I need to move to a warmer climate!!"  It is wearing me out folks.  It is January in the mid west.  This is how the weather is.  Bitching won't change it, it just makes you a grumpy mother fucker!

Meanwhile he is still shopping for a house yet the subject of marriage seems to be off the table.  AND the whole thing is making me skittish.  I don't want to buy a house with a grumpy, cold, unemployed guy that doesn't want to marry me! 

Is he looking to me for financial stability?

He doesn't have a lot of money saved up because he has been a single parent his whole life and pretty much paid for his daughter to get a masters degree.  He is maybe too giving of his money and now he wants to buy a house and quit his job almost in the same sentence.

I am freaking out.

Meanwhile JDK is sending me sweet text messages asking me to come home. 

My lease is up at the end of March.  Maybe I should just go home?  Sometimes that seems like a safer bet. 

I am feeling really off balance.

BTW - my diet has gone to shit..............BUT I have been making it to the gym every day,  so there is that.  I am scared to jump on the scale!

Two VERY Different Divorces

Not too long ago a friend of mine asked me why it has been so much harder to divorce JDK then it was to divorce Monster and Ramone's dad.  When I left their dad I knew with out a doubt that I was making the right choice and walked away with no second guessing.

At the time my friend asked me I stammered a bit and gave an answer that was probably long and confusing because I wasn't really sure of the answer.

NOW though.........I can see it as plain as day.  It's actually quite simple.

One was an real, honest go at it, the other was always a game.

When I married M&R's dad, we had a normal courtship and wedding.  We met, dated a year, fell in love, got engaged, married a year later, then decided to have kids.....very normal (dull if you will).  After we had kids I figured out that I was the only adult in the relationship and that he was truly not capable of being the man I needed to spend my life with.  He wasn't playing games he just was who he is.  (his new wife cares for him like a child of her own.)  How could I have not recognized that when we were dating you ask?  Well simple, he didn't have kids or a house or a lot of grown up responsibility.  And, when he finally did, he just couldn't do them.  He was a man child all along but at first I just wrote it off as he was single and fresh out of college and didn't need to be all that grown up yet.    I honestly didn't know that all men weren't capable of being responsible grown ups if they chose to be.  I was naïve.  The point is, we went into our marriage with our eyes wide open, we both gave it our all and in the final analysis it didn't work out.  Nothing mysterious there......we were not a good match in the long run.  I didn't want to be his mother!

JDK however was a very different story.  We dated because we were both bored and had no other suitors to occupy our time.  We later got serous because HEY we had a child on the way.  We both brought a giant suitcase of issues to the situation.  I desperately wanted my daughter to have a father  because the biggest regret I had in life was that I did NOT have a father.  He didn't want to be tied down but felt it was his duty and ALWAYS resented that he got saddled with a family he didn't choose.  His reaction was to be passive aggressive to me and play the "you are not the boss of me" game as hard as he could.  He "did the right thing" on the surface and then fought the reality of it in every way he could think of.

It was a fucked up deal from the very beginning and I guess we both always knew that.  So the real question always was "what if we both actually tried to love each other and make this a good marriage?"

Sadly we never got to answer that question.  I think toward the end (maybe because he sensed I had checked out) he was ready to try harder to do the right thing meanwhile I was so over trying.  In the beginning when I wanted so badly to make it all work he was too busy being resentful to really have an honest relationship with me.

At the end of the day I can tell you from experience that marriage is hard no matter what but it is damn near impossible when you start from such a bad place ...........AND............leaving a partner for another person is a shitty way to leave because ultimately it makes it damn near impossible to ever fully resolve the marriage issues which would be a better solution for everyone involved if it could be done.

Getting a "Do Over"

After my melt down, I talked to JDK quite a bit.  I really don't remember all the details, all I know is it feels different somehow.  He is not fighting with me.  He is more patient and understanding.  He answers all my questions and is sharing his feelings.  He seems like a real person.  He is acting nice and caring.  It is confusing.

All I ever wanted was a happy family; a husband that loved and respected me.  He now tells me he would do anything to fix the past.  That he is sorry for all he did.  That he STILL very much loves me and wants his family back. 

Saturday I worked all day at The Construction Company and on the way home I figured I would swing by JDK's house and pick up Beanie.  I also hoped to visit a bit and soak up more of the "transformed" husband.

I have to be honest, hearing him tell me that he is grateful for things I did in the past and that he was an ass for not appreciating me is awesome.  For example, he told me that he didn't really understand how hard it was for me to take Beanie to work with me for the first two years of her life and he is sorry that he didn't recognize what a gift that was to him and her.   He says he misses my crazy skirts and me just being around the house, etc.  "The house is not a home without you."

On the drive over I called to be sure he was cool with me dropping by.  He said he would LOVE to see me but Roslyn was on her way so he could only visit for an hour or less.  (she lives out of town.) I was disappointed but stopped by for a brief time and then got me and my Beanie out of there before we had to come face to face with the girlfriend.  JDK seemed genuinely upset that he couldn't spend more time with me.

I think I am being selfish and eating cake at this point.  BUT HELL, after all these years of being treated like I suck it is nice to hear that he was wrong and I don't suck after all.  Also, I suppose there is a part of me that will always wonder "hey, if he were actually trying to be a good husband how would our lives have been different/ better?"  Really the only complaint I had about our marriage was that I didn't feel loved or wanted.  If that wasn't an issue maybe we would have both been fairly happy!?!?

I also think I am talking to him more because I need him to do something shitty or shady to reassure me that he hasn't really changed and that he is just putting on a show for some reason.  It is hard to tell what his motive really is at this point. I mean he seems to have nothing to gain if he is nice to me now since we are divorced and everything is divided up.

Speaking of changing.....we did talk about a time in the past when he changed.  Remember how he used to give me the "FUCK YOU" vibe and then quit?http://lifeistooshortandtoolong.blogspot.com/2012/05/realized-something.html
He told me that he recognized (back when he changed) that it was mean and unfair and decided to quit doing it.  That he consciously quit that nasty behavior.  See, he can change!

Last summer he basically proposed that we start dating in secret and not tell Kevin or Roslyn.  I told him that wouldn't work and I wouldn't do it.  After that he kind of left me alone.  Now he is telling me how all along he has wanted me back but he was trying to respect my decision and let me go off to lead a happier life. (See what a selfless giver he is?)  I told him I never felt he was really that upset and he says it was really hard for him to keep all his feelings in check.  I told him that sometimes sharing your feelings is not only ok but necessary.  I wonder, if he had really seemed hurt by our separation if I would have been able to consider not divorcing him?  I wonder if he was actually hurt and I just couldn't see it because I was so mad?  He thinks that is what happened.  I think he is still processing how this has all worked out and really wishing he hadn't pissed away his marriage.  I think, at first he was still trying to "win" so he rushed out and got a new girlfriend to prove to me and himself that I wasn't needed but now he has gotten past the need to win and is sorry.   I know he feels his time is about up if he wants to get me back.  He knows Kevin and I are shopping for houses and headed for marriage.

Ultimately I kind of feel sorry for him.  I think he regrets how he behaved and now it is too late to fix it.  He wants a "Do Over" and I just don't think I can give him one.  Although, at times I really wonder how I can move forward and never look back when I still have feeling for him and will always wonder if we could have made a go of it had he actually been trying.  It makes me feel that I am turning my back on the family I always dreamed of.

This morning after Roslyn left he texted me this:

Why Can't I Just Get Over It?

Tuesday Kevin took the day off.  While I worked in the morning he did some projects around the house and when I got off work around noon we did a fast 6.5 mile run together.  He is a much faster runner than I am so I sucked wind to try and keep up.  My lungs are still not right after that cold I had last winter.  I used my inhaler but still struggled.  However, I still think it is good for me to push myself like that.

At 3:30 I picked up my daughter from school as usual.  We came home and got her homework done quickly so we could go over to Kevin's and work on the puzzle.  I was in a very good mood.

Then I mentioned that we should give her father a calendar that I had laying around.  She told me she had a puppy calendar at her Dad's house and they didn't need it.  She told me that Roslyn's MOM gave it to her.  I told her I didn't know she had gone to Roslyn's family Christmas and she said she didn't because she was with me but her Dad did.  So.....he was included in there family Christmas....they must be pretty serious for her to invite him and for him to attend the WHOLE family thing.

I am not proud of how I handled this news.  It felt like a punch in the gut.  I KNOW I shouldn't give a crap about what he does yet still it hurts.  I just can't seem to detach emotionally.  I can't seem to reconcile how he is with her and how he was with me.  I can't trust that he sucks.  Why is he so hot to get into another committed relationship when the whole time we were married he just had to fight being committed?  UGH

I then proceeded to stay home and sulk all night.  I was upset and didn't feel like doing anything.  I read Chump Lady http://www.chumplady.com/2013/06/the-fear-that-theyre-going-to-be-better-for-someone-else/ and drank beer while Beanie watched our new Simpson's DVDs.  I ate shitty food and busted my calorie count.  I just wilted.

Wednesday morning I was still in a funk and it was about 5 degrees outside so I dropped my daughter off at school, came home and moped the rest of the day.  That's right....I spent the whole day wallowing around the house doing nothing but feeling depressed and crappy.  I didn't work out.  I didn't eat right.  I SUCK!

This morning I pulled myself out of bed and headed to the barn to get a few things done.  I made it to the gym by 10:30 and did my Body Pump class.  I said hi to Sharon, my new friend at the gym.  I then ran a quick 5k on the treadmill because of the negative wind chill factors.  I felt pretty good on the treadmill and it didn't seem too awful bad.  Back home I weighed in at 136 which certainly perked me up.

I need to figure out how to stop this cycle of feeling hurt by him when he is just going about his life at this point and it has nothing to do with me.  I hate feeling that I still give him the power to emotionally crush me.

Why can't I just get over it? 

Progress Update

Yesterday I didn't manage to get my workout in.  I had my daughter all day, the weather was terrible and I was just really busy.  Kevin was watching his grandson so we went over and helped him out.  Then I had a multisport club meeting to attend also.

So...........to amend my workout goals, I think Sundays will be a day off.  It is just too hard to make it happen.

Still holding at 137.

THE GAP by Ira Glass

I found this little video today and I just love it.

I so enjoy listening to This American Life  http://www.thisamericanlife.org/ and think Ira Glass is great fun.

...............Yes....I am now one of those people that posts inspirational stuff.

Turned it Around

I woke up this morning and it was cold and rainy so I texted Stina and we agreed to skip running today and try for tomorrow.  I then happily cuddled up next to Kevin and went back to sleep. 

Beanie was at her Dads house.

We slept rather late and then lingered in bed as he read his tablet and I checked Facebook and blogs.  The clock was ticking and I was getting bored and wanted to get up and do something.  I am not good at relaxing, especially when I am well rested in the morning. 

Finally we agreed to get up and run some errand before working on the remodeling at his house.  I assumed we would spend the afternoon on finishing the wall paper removal followed up by getting some fun time doing the puzzle we started on New Year's Day.  (My favorite New Years Eve of all times involved a puzzle so this was something I had really looked forward to for weeks.)

I also still had to plan a workout in there some how, before I got Beanie back.....you know my NYR!

Friss called and stalled me getting out the door and by the time I got to Kevin's house to pick him up it was almost 10 am.  This is VERY late for me to have done NOTHING at all yet.  I was starting to stress a bit about being so unproductive.  When I arrived he was doing dishes and not ready to go.  I snipped at him "can't those wait till we get back?"  Heavy on my mind was how crowded Wally World gets on the weekends.  I hate to fight the crowds to shop and usually do my shopping at 7 am if I can.

He finished the dishes while I tried to be patient.  As soon as we left he wanted to go to McDonald's and get breakfast.  This aggravated me.  Why the hell didn't he eat while he was waiting for me rather than start the dishes.  UGH.  We did the drive through and he ate in the car I had JUST cleaned yesterday.  I was not "loving it".  I didn't eat....part of my diet is no eating out!  Wasn't that hungry anyway.

Next it was groceries for him (I was well stocked having gone shopping yesterday) and the sand paper we needed for the project.  We arrived home around noon and started on the wall.  Finally some progress was getting made and only half the day was wasted.  GRRR  I was making mental notes about how I am such a morning person that in the future I might be better off to get up and do my own thing and meet up with Kevin around noon when he gets going.  My uncle does this with his wife who adores sleeping in and they have been happily married forever.

The phone rang and it was Aaron, Kevin's son, he needed a babysitter.  OH GEEZ!!  Now we are going to be saddled with a spoiled 3 year old.  All I could think of was HIDE THE PUZZLE!

I thought this through and knew that I needed to get my work out in and then I would feel better so while he went to fetch Gage I did a run in the drizzle rain.   After a decent 6 mile run I went home and colored my hair, took a shower and started dinner.  My mood was much more positive and I was now looking forward to getting back to Kevin's house and eating a "family" meal together.

Luckily we only live .75 of a mile from each other because there is a lot of back and forth that goes on.  The bulk of it is on me and I don't think he fully understands what a hassle it is for me to plan ahead and drag things back and forth between our homes.  I so look forward to the end of March when we will finally be in one place be it is current home or a new one.

I texted JDK to bring the girl home at 5.  The exact time I wanted her.  I recently realized that my trying to be flexible and agreeable with him was just making me feel annoyed as I wait on his timeline, so I would be better off to just ask for what I want and if he has an issue then negotiate.  So far it is working like a charm.  I know it sounds easy but the process of asking for my needs to be met first is not my first instinct.

Back at Kevin's house I finished up dinner and we tried to get Gage to sit and eat with us.  He was tired and cranky and is in the habit of having pizza for dinner so he wanted nothing to do with my baked chicken, green beans and croissant rolls.  His Grandpa is really frustrated with how his son parents the toddler and I agree with him.  The kid is spoiled rotten, has no bedtime, won't eat anything but pizza and knows how to throw a VERY loud tantrum.  We ate our meal and encouraged him to join us which he refused and screamed it was icky.   He cried and moaned that he needed pizza.  G-pa handled it all very well and eventually the exhausted hungry boy cried himself to sleep while we did the dishes and Beanie feasted on desert because she ate her healthy dinner like a big girl. 

Finally we all cuddled up on the couch to watch Property Brothers on DIY TV, a show we all three enjoy.  I was in a great mood and I feeling positive.  I was proud of how Kevin handled the kid.  I was happy that I managed to get my needs met.  I was proud of Beanie for being a good "auntie" by setting a good example.  I had made my mental notes about how I will do better next time so I don't start of the day so cranky.  It all worked out just fine.

At 9pm we came home and Beanie went to bed.  I was very awake which is not uncommon when I am hungry.   I made the best of my time by getting my workout tracking all set up and logging my calories and linking my Garmin to My Fitness Pal.  I then stayed up reading until almost midnight.

It was a good day!

Oh....and after my run I weighed 137 pounds.  Already seeing some progress.  It is encouraging.

2015

I am not usually a New Year's resolution fan.  Up until just a few years ago, I didn't even gorge myself during the holidays and gain weight thus requiring the resolution to get in shape.  But, for one reason or another in the last few years I have been guilty of porking out in the winter and getting embarrassingly over weight.

I maintained my weight very well until my mid 40s and then it just didn't seem as important anymore thanks to sagging skin, wrinkles, ages spots, etc.

BUT this year is a BIG year for me because come August 29th I will turn 50 years old!!  I really can't believe this is going to happen.  The years really DO fly by.  I remember when my mother turned 50 and it doesn't seem that long ago.  Heck it seems like just yesterday I was staring down 40 and dreading that milestone.

In order to gracefully slip into my second 1/2 century of life I have resolved to get in great shape and be proud of myself for my birthday.  I want to celebrate and be happy rather than feel ashamed at my lack of self discipline and my shitty relationships.

So January 1 seems like the perfect time to really kick off this project of being fabulous at 50.  (Ugh...that sounds so dorky.)

So this is the breakdown of my plan:

1) WEIGHT -  Get safely back under 130 pounds (my ideal weight) and stay there.  In order to accomplish this goal my action plan involves a number of things that I know work for me.  First, I will control my calorie intake by counting them every day using My Fitness Pal app.  Second, I will weigh in daily or at least every few days.  Weekly DOES NOT work for me....it allows me too much time to get off track.  In fact not weighing is a big part of how I got in trouble in the first place.  It is the feedback I require to get the job done.  I used to weigh my self religiously and stayed under 130 for years.

2) ALCOHOL - No wine until I am back to my weight goal.  Not only are there lots of empty calories in wine but also, it is just too easy for me to have a few glasses of wine and then feel so "relaxed" that I eat stuff for fun and the calorie situation gets out of hand quick.  Since I love wine so much I must just make it off limits for a while.  I can still drink a beer or a margarita if it fits in my calorie count since I know I will not get carried away drinking them. 

3) EXERCISE - get back in the habit of making exercise a priority.  When I am fit and strong I feel better both physically and emotionally.  I joined the gym.  I have started lifting again.  But for 2015 my goal is to work out EVERY single day at least once.  A "workout" consists of (but is not limited to) running, cycling, yoga, swimming, or lifting.  I will be moving in March and I will count a day of moving furniture as exercise.  You get the idea.  I am not allowed to spend the day in sloth mode unless I am sick.  If I challenge myself and set this goal it will gain momentum as time goes on and I can't let my streak come to an end.  This type of pressure works for me.

4) MENTAL HEALTH - I plan to read, write and absorb anything and everything that is GOOD for me.  I already bookmarked this blog to read daily http://tinybuddha.com/.   I will find and implement more ways to be positive and grow personally into the best possible me. 

5) RELATIONSHIPS - I want to build better relationships with the people I love such as my family and Kevin.  I also will strive to develop a positive relationship with JDK and not waste my time feeling negative towards him.  I vow to focus on appreciating the good in people and putting forth a joyous presence into the world.  I don't want to be an old bitchy person!!

I know I will struggle at times because you don't get to be my age and flip a switch and start doing everything you want to do.  BUT...I have goals and actions plans and time to make this work.  I am feeling positive and motivated and I am going to make this next year one of the best years yet!!

Oh....and today I weighed 140.  Christmas was an eat-a-thon!