Depression and Compassion

All weekend I have been depressed.  All weekend I have just felt so lost and empty; that the world is too much, that it is all too hard.  I found myself praying that I would not wakeup in the morning which is something I have not done in a long time.

Husband was nice this weekend….for the most part…..this time it isn’t his fault that I am down.  No, actually it is the combination of the school shooting in Connecticut, my own teenagers acting like fools, Christmas time of the year and my propensity to be self loathing when I feel that I am not the best person I can be.  I’m feeling extremely self critical.  And, in order to combat this depression I drank too much wine….so now I can feel crappy about that too.

When you have a child you experience a bond that is on a deeper level than any other bond.  All you parents out there know what I am talking about.  I am sure, to a large extent; this is Mother Nature’s way of ensuring we care for our offspring so our species will continue to thrive.  But still it is a real emotion and we all feel it.  You have a baby and the world changes…your focus changes and in so many ways you put them before you.  You would do almost anything to ensure they are happy, healthy and grow up to be productive decent citizens.  This devotion also has an emotional price because if anything should happen to your child you will be devastated.

My first born didn’t make it.  He is spending 15-20 years in prison.  I failed at raising him to be a happy, healthy productive decent citizen.  As a mother it hurts…..to the bottom of my heart it hurts.  It hurts to see his life like this and it hurts because I feel I should have done better.  I should have saved him.

Add to that the fact that when his “life” ended it was one week before Christmas and that has forever left a bad taste in my mouth for Christmas.  I will always associate Christmas with loss, death and sorrow.  And now 28 families in CT….hell the whole town…..will also associate Christmas with loss, death and sorrow.

I know how quickly life can change.  I know what it is like to have to get rid of all your child’s belongings because they won’t be coming home.  I know what those families are going through and my heart aches for them.  So much so that I can’t shake this deep despair that has sunk in and the more the news coverage goes on and on the worse it gets.  I have got to stop turning on the radio and the TV.

As a bonus this Christmas, Monster and Ramone are teenagers, nineteen and seventeen years old.  They are at the age where they can and probably will make life altering mistakes.  They are also getting too old for me to *make* them do the right thing.  All I can do is offer advice and hope they listen while I stand by holding my breath and hoping they will be lucky enough to not really fuck up their whole lives.  I am scared to death for them because I know they don’t get it and by the time they do it might just be too late.

Saturday night Monster called me (wait it was Sunday morning at 3 am) with some very lame stuff that he was upset about.  He told me he was in a fight and I could tell he had been driving drunk.  I am so scared for these kids I can’t sleep!

Another thing that has me stewing is the fact that the gun enthusiast are using this as an occasion to push for MORE guns; which seems like a ridiculous idea to me.  I am not blaming guns for what happened because I do believe that people kill people not guns.  But a gun did make it easier for this mad man to kill MORE people…..so gun restrictions make more sense to me.  You will never convince me that arming teachers will make schools safer.  That is just plain nuts.

Then there are the people who are saying that we have turned our backs on God and that is why this has happened.  To them I say……because no Godly person ever goes nuts?.....because people can’t be decent human beings without God?....because all morality is rooted in the bible?  I guess I am just offended that so many people seem to think that you can’t be a good person unless you believe in their God; especially since I seem to see so many cold hearted hateful things coming from people in the name of religion.  I am not trying to bash God or say that all religious people are hateful just that it is not the miracle cure we are in need of. It is just not that simple. More wars have been fought and more people killed in the name of God….so don’t tell me that God is the solution to violence.

Last but not least, there are the political views that are also getting pushed using this shooting as an opportunity.  Shame on you all for taking such a terrible tragedy and trying to turn it into your chance to push your political beliefs on others.

I don’t have the answers and I understand that emotions are high right now in all of the camps.  But, what I really would like to see is compassion for ALL involved.  And for more people to say “what can I do to make the world a better place….how can I help?”  The real question is how are we as a society not helping these people who most obviously are not OK.  It’s about mental health and how we are falling short in the care of those in need. 

And one more thing….school are still safe.  The odds of your kid getting shot at school are like infinitesimal.   STOP freaking out!  I don’t want our kids locked in….I don’t want armed guards.  There has got to be a better way!

Car Shopping SUCKS

Car shopping sucks, not because of the sales guys, but because of the cars.  They just don’t make what I want.  I want a sporty station wagon!! (not an SUV aka a box on wheels)

Why am I shopping for a new car you ask….well because I am going to give my current car to my ex husband for Christmas!

No he is not blackmailing me.  No my car is not a piece of junk.  No I am not putting a bomb rigged to go off in it.  Actually it is a 2009 Honda Accord coupe with a manual transmission with $800 worth of brand new tires.  He is damn lucky.

Let me explain:  First, the teenagers live with their dad now.  This is their idea not mine.  I would totally rather have them at my house where I could be happy knowing they are being properly parented.  However, our joint custody deal had them sharing time between houses when they were young but now that they are old enough to choose, they choose the house with cable TV, internet and junk food over my home in the woods with chickens and network television that we get for free with….gasp….an antenna!

 

Oh yea, and rules, I have a lot more rules than Dad.

So over the years, I paid certain bills along with a modest amount of child support to the ex husband who works for the state and therefore has a rather meager income.  This is how the government keeps it all fair.  They want both houses to have about the same standard of living.  Mostly I am Ok with this but then again I still think ex-husband is lazy and irresponsible and I end up paying for it.  But hey, I am all for raising my own kids and not overly burdening him and for the most part this has always worked out fine for everyone.

But, lately, it seems the teens are more expensive with cars and auto insurance, etc.  And I feel that I am no longer carrying my portion of the load.  I do buy them all their clothes as well as school lunches and fix broken cars and teeth and pay my 1/3 of Monsters college tuition, but I know those kids nickel and dime their dad to death and he has a hard time saying no.  Not to mention he has to put up with them more than I do.

So I got to thinking I can afford to pay him more child support and I probably should……BUT I hate to give him more cash.  He is the kind of person that at the end of the month has no idea where his money went and can never figure out why he is always broke.  He never saves a dime instead his credit card debt just creeps up and up.  I, being an accountant, have offered to make him a budget and when we do it says he has plenty of money.  Go figure.  I think lots of it goes to lunches and misc. stuff.  Trust me he is not the type to be out buying drugs or women; more likely I-HOP and movie tickets.

So then I decided I should pay some bills for him or something useful like that….I should spend my money on a specific item(s) not just throw money into the bottomless “pit”.  Then it hit me that what they need most of all is another car.  Right now there are 3 people and two cars so Ex-husband usually is the one with no vehicle.  (Not how I would operate if it were me but, hey, it’s not.) 

At first I was thinking a new car….with 0% financing and I would just make the payments for him.  Then it hit me that although I do like my car in many ways, it has never been what I really need or want.  It was a mistake to get it in the first place (long story) and I really should buy ME the new car and just give my old car to the Ex-husband. 

So that is why I am going out car shopping instead of working tomorrow.



I should have kept my Subaru Wagon....best car ever!



It's Simple

I just want to feel loved, cared for, desired, safe, accepted, appreciated and valued. 

Don’t we all?

Why does life constantly deny me this basic need?

GOOD WEEKEND

We had a very good weekend mostly because Husband was so sweet.

First, Friday night I went to some friend’s birthday party and left him in charge of the puppy and our daughter.  I thought for sure he would be mad and grumpy all weekend because of it so I was thrilled that he wasn’t.  At the party we played laser tag….OMG so much fun!

Saturday morning I did my usual long run and again….Husband had to watch both the puppy and Bean for 2 whole hours.  He had to take the puppy outside because she gets pretty rowdy in the morning, but he did a fine job.

Saturday afternoon Beanie attended a birthday party for one of her classmates at the bowling alley.  That was fun and a bit crazy.  I had hoped to sneak out to test drive some cars but there was no leaving.  These kids needed adult supervision!  

She picked out the outfit herself and did her own hair!

 

Saturday night I dozed off trying to watch Sherlock Holmes with Hubby.  It was just boring and I had been up since 5 am.  He didn’t seem too upset with me or act stupid about it.  So relieved.

Sunday morning Husband suggested a family bike outing.  Beanie keeps wanting to ride her bike with us but we both know she will last about 10 minutes and then be done with it so we keep balking at the idea.   This time we decided to bring the trailer so when she ran out of steam we would pop her in the cart and still get in our ride.

I tossed the dog in the kennel and we headed out before 9 am.  (It’s been crazy warm weather here for December.)  Husband had the idea to drive to a little town nearby that we could catch the trail on.  It was a bit farther than I thought we were going but no big deal.  Once there, Beanie jumped on her bike and rode with great glee.  Daddy and I were thrilled as she kept saying she was having the best time and loved riding bikes with us. 

20 minutes later she was crying and would not ride her bike anymore, or walk, or talk or anything.  We tried everything to make her happy again but nothing worked.  The kid just shuts down at times and it is so frustrating.  Finally Husband rode back to the car and fetched her trailer.  He stuffed her into it against her protests.  He finally spanked her after she was just totally mean and out of control for the longest time.  I was proud of him actually.  He tends to let her walk all over him at times and I think it is spoiling her and making her a brat.

From there we headed off biking and she sat in the trailer bitching.  I offered to take her home so Husband could ride in peace but he said NO we need to teach her that she can’t win by being mean and nasty.  He was right so we biked on.  After we had biked for maybe a half hour the girl fell asleep.  I think it might have only been 10 am by then.  This is when I realize how badly we need to work on getting her to bed earlier in the evening.  She needs more sleep!

 

Soon we came to a scenic outlook we wanted to explore so we woke her up and much to my surprise, after some initial grogginess she was sweet as could be.  The rest of the outing was nice and fun and the girl was happy.  We biked a total of about 24 miles.

As we loaded the bikes back into the SUV Beanie insisted we go out to eat so Daddy took us all to Taco Bell.  Sitting there eating it struck me how odd it felt all three of us in a fast food joint.  It was common for me to take Ramone and Monster here when they were small children but this was only the second time Beanie had ever been there.  We eat out so rarely.  She loved her taco and fruit smoothie.

I was starting to worry about the puppy…..we had been gone much longer than I thought we would be.  It was 1:30 pm when we got home and found Pasha was dry and clean and in good spirit.  She of course missed us and mauled us with puppy love but no accidents while we were gone.  She wanted to play and I wanted to get Beanie to take a “real” nap.  I had to lay down with Beanie so I put the puppy outside alone.  Hated to do that to her.

Thanks to her cat nap in the trailer earlier Beanie would not go back to sleep.  I dozed off just long enough to make me grumpy.  I had planned to do some Christmas photos while the weather was so nice, but I knew better than to try if we were both not well rested.  This actually upset me because I knew I wouldn’t get another opportunity in December to take photos on a sunny afternoon with the temperature above 70 degrees.  Hard to believe it is December!

I started to feel agitated because I am rather tired of dealing with a crabby kid and the fact that nap time takes up the best part of the day and that the puppy was getting neglected.  I assumed that Husband would probably want alone time so I plotted to escape to Uwe’s house.  Much to my surprise, Husband actually volunteered to keep the girl so I could get a break.  I left feeling guilty as hell, but still….I left taking the puppy with me.

Once I got to Uwe house we took the dog for a walk but he seemed a little bit odd and I got the feeling he didn’t really want company so I didn’t stay too long. 

When I got home around 7 Daddy was just putting the girl to bed AND he had even given her a bath!   GOOD DADDY!!

I of course gave him sex as a reward.  I think we all enjoyed our weekend which was such a treat.  (Although I’m still disappointed I did not get some nice photos to give Grandma for Christmas or have the time to go car shopping.)

Living With the Moody

My 5 year old daughter usually gets up in the morning very early (before 6) and then proceeds to be very crabby and difficult.  My older kids never did this; they either got up in a good mood or slept until I woke them.  I know Bean is a light sleeper and I try not to wake her.  I have always assumed that she just needed more sleep.  Then this morning it hit me.  She is just a grump like her father.  Who almost always wakes in a bad mood and stays grumpy all day long. 

This saddens me greatly.  Because, you see, living with grumpy negative people just sucks and I hate it but I really can’t just leave them now can I?  So I am stuck in this house with the people who seem to want to be difficult and unhappy most of the time.  I just don’t understand why anyone would want to be that way.  I want to be happy and pleasant and enjoy my life.

Husband says I am difficult and grumpy.  I know that if I am unhappy it is because I let his mood drag me down.  I am normally a happy person with a good outlook but these days I feel like my family is robbing me of that.

I know I should rise above them and not let them affect me but that’s not really realistic is it?  These are the people I live with and see first thing every morning and last thing every night.  I can’t seem to be cheery while constantly surrounded by people who are sulking and complaining or worse yet, not speaking to me at all and putting off a negative vibe.

The teenagers aren’t much better.  If you have ever lived with a teen you know they are just a bunch of moods and selfishness.  Not much fun.

I hate feeling down but gosh, it surrounds me all the time and I just don’t see a solution.  Even my coworkers seem to spend all their time complaining and bitching. 

How do I back myself into these corners?

Being a Parent is Hard

When kids are young…..like Beanie, they wear you out.  Yesterday she was talking constantly, talking too loud and crabby most all of the time from the moment she woke up.  By 9 am I was ready to run away from home or at least find the duct tape so I could silence her for a moment.

Then last night I found out that Monster’s dog (A boxer at his Dad’s house) had been struck by a car and taken to the emergency vet clinic at the university.  I knew it was bad when his dad phoned to say the dog was stabilized and they required a $1200 deposit. 

Around 11p.m. my phone woke me and I saw it was Monster calling.  I didn’t answer, I pushed silent.  I just couldn’t stomach the call.  Then I laid there thinking that he had left me a sobbing voice mail telling me that Duke was dead.  The boy is 6 feet tall and well over 200 pounds.  He is 19 years old now and for all practical purposes a grown man.  I felt for my son who has to endure another heart ache.  Our last dog died only a couple of years ago from cancer and that really tore him up.  I couldn’t get back to sleep because I just hurt for him.

And if I let my mind go there, I empathized with the dog so much I felt nauseous….I think it’s a bit of trauma still left from my grandson dying from violence.  The poor poor dog suffering in pain and not understanding what was going on.  I hope he knows that Monster was holding him at the end when they put him to sleep so he would not suffer any longer.

But hardest of all for me to stomach is that the world is often a bad place and a hard place and a place that is not fair and my poor children are learning that…..of course, the hard way, like we all do.  It is hard to stand by and see them grow up and suffer grown up pains.  At least Beanie only gets mad because her milk is not chocolatey enough or because Daddy ate the last of her Jello.

RIP Duke

SEX vs. LOVE

Ever since the puppy arrived husband and I have barely spoke to each other.  Not because anyone is mad or upset but because we have all been so darn busy.  Adding the new (sick) puppy has been stressful and time consuming.

Before the puppy arrived, husband had been giving me some hugs and pats here and there and I was really enjoying it.  So, It has been well over a week since he and I cuddled, kissed or anything.

This morning right before husband left for work I gave him a long hug and a few smooches on his neck and ear.  It felt great to be so close to him.  I NEED physical contact like that to be happy.

I enjoyed it so much that I said out loud “I need some cuddle time”.

Husband said he needed cuddle time too.  He said he was starting to feel depressed.  Now I put these two comments together and got the message that cuddling would help his depression.  Which is exactly how I feel.  A good hugging (backed with love) always makes me feel better.  I was very pleased to hear him convey this message. 

I said to husband “so cuddling will help you to feel better?”  I guess I was fishing for confirmation of my assumption.   He then says “of course” and makes a sheepish smile and then I realize he means SEX!  So now to confirm my understanding once again I say “oh you want to have sex?”  And he says “sure, a happy ending hug would be awesome.”

And here is where I get upset….because……I just feel used.  He seems to only need me when he wants to have sex and then I feel like our interaction is not him giving me love (or us sharing love) but him taking sex for his own satisfaction of his penis.  Does that make sense?

I understand that men convey love with sex, but that is not at all what it feels like to me.  It feels like he has an “itch” and he wants me to “scratch” it.  So basically……it’s just another chore for me.  AND, I never actually get to have any cuddle time just to be close to each other because every time cuddling occurs it’s because he is fishing for more and acts disapointed if he doesn't get it.

I of course, have tried to discuss this with him and all he ever says is “don’t you want your husband to be physically attracted to you and desire you?  I would think that is a good thing that I always want to have sex with you.”

I will never be happy in this marriage if I don’t get some physical, non sexual, affection from my husband.  That is just a fact!

Kiss Goodnight

Last night my husband and I enjoyed a rare evening of watching TV in bed together without a 5 year old cuddled in between us.  She had fallen asleep early so we put her in her own bed.  We are currently very much enjoying watching Downton Abby on DVD.  

At some point my husband hands me the remote, doesn’t say a word, rolls over on his side facing away from me and puts his head on his pillow and pulls up the covers.

I then say “are you going to sleep?”  He says yes.  I then say “how about saying goodnight?”  He mutters goodnight.  I then asked for a kiss too and he rolled his head around far enough to peck me on the lips.

But all I could think was WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU???  WHY DON’T YOU SAY GOODNIGHT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON??  Why don’t you want a kiss goodnight?  Why do you always have to make me feel like I am so incidental?

This was not the first time he did this.  Actually, he never says goodnight and he always rolls way over there and goes to sleep, but normally I just let it pass because I am trying my damndest to just be happy, well adjusted and accept him for who he is.  Not to mention when our daughter is between us I can rationalize that she just in the way (literally) of any affection.

And, as I have said before, it really isn’t very satisfying to get attention merely because you asked for it, not because it was offered to you.  So I generally don’t beg him to treat me nice if it doesn’t occur to him on his own.

These types of little things though, they add up.  They are the constant little reminders every day that he just seems so disinterested in me, that he doesn’t need me and that he doesn’t even think to give me the common courtesy most people would give another person in the same room with them.

I always wonder how he got this way…..what his parents did to raise him to be such an odd, detached creature.

I could almost forgive him if I thought he just had poor social skills or was actually very absent minded but he is not.  He knows what is correct and chooses to ignore it.  I suspect he gets a bit of a thrill out of being so very autonomous that he has no friends and no need for anyone in an emotional way.

Good-Bye Oliver

Oliver was a good looking chap!

Yesterday my husband shot and killed a deer and our rooster.  It is deer season here and we always stuff at least one if not two deer into the chest freezer.  We eat the meat, we don’t waste it.  The rooster, well, he was just a pain in the butt.  He would start crowing WAY before dawn then the rest of the day he harassed and humped our hens.  Basically he ate our food, bothered the other chickens and woke us up too early so he was not doing anything GOOD to earn his keep.  Husband butchered him up and stuck him in my fridge.

Last night the garbage disposal conked out too, so poor husband had to deal with that as well.  He didn’t collapse into bed until midnight.  He is earning his keep big time unlike that rooster named Oliver.

Today I cooked up the rooster; mainly to get it out of the fridge.  I stuffed the meat in packages for Husband to take them to work.  I really didn’t want to eat it.  Not for any emotional reason, just because I like big fat juicy breast meat and you don’t get that with a home grown rooster.  Husband will be happy to eat it so he can have it.

He did however offer some to Beanie.  His exact words were “Hey Bean, want to taste Oliver”.  I was like OMG really?  But she was fine with it.  She tried a bite……she said she didn’t like it.

The puppy was pretty good while Grandma and Grandpa were here which was a relief but then later her diarrhea got worse again and she had to spend the night in her kennel.  She was pretty good when I put her in the first time around 10.  Then I let her out around 2 so she could go potty and then when I put her BACK in she was so upset she yelped and cried for 45 minutes.  When I awoke in the morning I found her covered in poop.  She couldn’t hold it, which I thought would happen, so I had to do a lot more poop cleaning.  I am really tired of poop cleaning.

Tomorrow I will ring the vet and see what else we can do for this poor puppy!

Type A personality with control issues!

Lately I have noticed that anxiety is a huge part of my life and a huge thing that I “deal” with all the time.  I guess I just never realized it before because I am me and this is who I have always been.  I am just used to it.  It never really occurred to me before that most people don’t stress out….A LOT (like I do) if they have to wait in line to check out or look for an item in a unfamiliar store….or shop a very crowded store or get stuck in traffic.  I guess waiting and lack of control just eat at me.  Type A much???

So this weekend…..another huge anxiety issue added to my plate.  Background; we live just outside of town on 20 wooded acres.  On the way into town we pass the only independent school in town.  It is fairly new and we have heard great things about it.  Some of my friends have kids that go there and they all rave about how great it is.  They all LOVE it.

There is also a catholic school in town and then of course the normal public schools but that is about all the options.  Thanks to our odd location (not) in town, we are assigned to go to the worst elementary school in our district.  It is old and full of VERY low income families.  I, of course want my daughter to have the best education possible so a few years ago we decided we would pay the EXTREME amount of money required to send our daughter to the private independent school (IS).  After all, it’s on the way to town so how convenient.

Last year I called the IS and asked about admissions.  They advised that they offer a pre-K class and I passed on that option.  My daughter’s current pre-K class is great.  She loves her friends and we all love her teachers and it is half the price of the IS pre-K class.

So today, the IS had an open house and I found out that there will only be about 8 opening for the kindergarten class I have been planning to send my daughter to because, of course, the pre-K kids get first dibs.  Duh; I should have been smart enough to realize that last year and signed her up.  I am now having huge anxiety issues that I effed this deal up royally.  That I am letting down my family; that I am an idiot and I missed my chance.  Missed chances keep me awake at night….OFTEN!

For next school year we must apply, be screened and interviewed.  Eight lucky kids will be selected from 20-50 applicants depending on who you talk to.  Adding to my anxiety that we won’t make the cut is the fact that this school is more likely to select kids that will enhance diversity or add something unique to their school.  WE are just regular, white middle class folks and I fear we will not be as “interesting” as many of the other applicants.   I am stressing out here….I have NO backup plan!

So to sum it up……I am now freaking out that our daughter will not get into this school that we all have our hearts set on!! Panic has set in and I am totally feeling, like my life is in the balance until next April when we will find out if she is accepted or not.  I am literally sick to my stomach!

Please note that in the last year I have had several well meaning people (obviously ignorant to the situation) tell me that they felt that getting accepted to the IS was not hard and I would be fine so I was not aware of my chances until today.  One person told me as long as I was willing to pay they would take me.  I now know they were wrong.

UGH!!  Stressing.  Did I tell you I have no backup plan?  I so want Bean to go to this amazing independent school where kids are expected to excel and 100% of the graduates go on to college.  I have my heart set on it, especially after attending the open house today.  Beanie loved it so much so that it was hard to get her to leave after we had been there for hours meeting people and touring the classes.  She loves it too! 

And of course, because I am so confident in how my life ALWAYS works out, I am already convinced that we won’t make the cut, that I will hate which ever school she ends up in and I will drive by the IS daily on my way into town next year feeling rejected and sad that we can’t be included.

Basically I know I have such bad luck that I am already resolving myself to the fact that we are not going to be chosen and I will be crying about the rejection for some time to come.

Glimmer of hope….I was told they can put us on the waiting list but with limited class sizes there is no telling when, if ever, we would even get an opening.

Total Meltdown

First thing this morning, the puppy barked and I exploded into tears.  I sat in my new lounge/reading chair and sobbed uncontrollably….husband just looked shocked.  I then (feeling like the world was about to end) began ranting, as I continued to sob, about how I am such an idiot that can’t do anything right ever!

Except the kitchen sink…it rocks.

We have had our new puppy for about a week now.  This new puppy and I are getting to know each other and learning each other’s expectation.  There is potty training and chew control and a whole host of things that I am dealing with.  Hardest of which is the fact that if you kennel her, she whines like you are pulling her toe nails off slowly one by one.  I have never had a dog do this before and I am completely unequipped to deal with a vocal dog.  I like my dogs quiet.  I HATE dogs that bark.  If I want to listen to someone complain I have the rest of the family already subjecting me to that.

I am stressed out…this is hard…..much like bringing home a newborn child.  I have only been getting three or 4 hours of sleep at night between Beanie, my husband, the puppy and the rooster who wakes up at the ungodly hour of 3:30 or 4 to start his incessant crowing.  Oh and I also have a head cold so I am run down and stuffy.

Add to that, from the start, I have been on edge because….well….because….at the last minute the breeder’s husband met us at a Sinclair gas station to give us the dog.  So we never did see her parents or the conditions she was living in.   Also, since then, the breeder has had three more litters.  Basically, because I am slow and should have figured this out sooner, I bought this puppy from a puppy mill and it is making me feel terrible.  Terrible to give them money, terrible that I was so naive, worried that my dog is not OK, stupid for not insisting I see the dog and facility or no deal.

I read two BBB complaints on the breeder this week and I have been having huge regrets that I did not do my homework BEFORE I brought home the dog.  See….I really am just an idiot.

Yesterday afternoon I realized that the diarrhea my puppy was having was getting worse and there was actually blood in it.  I took her to the vet ASAP and they wormed her.  Something the breeder should have done and said she did.  I guess we will never know for sure if she even tried to or not.  I also got some antibiotics for the puppy who has some weird parasite too.  What a mess! Poor thing. 

This dog has pooped in my bed….not once but twice.  I was up at 2 am changing the sheets and washing the bedspread.  I have never had a dog do that before and was feeling helpless as to what to do next.  This was before I knew she was sick and it was just freaking me out to deal with it.

Oh, one more thing, I still needed to finish preparing the house for the arrival of Grandma and Grandpa tonight.   I am so stressed that they are coming to this mad house to actually see what a mess the place is.

See, I didn’t crack up for no reason!

After my mini breakdown, mainly due to lack of sleep, Husband offered to drop Beanie at school and I was relieved to only have the sick puppy to care for.  I decided to put her outside while I got ready for work.  Normally if I can’t watch my puppy I kennel it, but I was in no mood to listen to the whining.  I hoped the fresh air would be enjoyable to her. 

Guess what the puppy did out there….YUP; she whined and barked the whole time.  I started crying again and this time, with no one to see me and become alarmed, I just could not stop crying.  I don’t want a barking dog and I can’t deal with a barking dog.  I have owned 4 other dogs and they did not bark. I am freaking out.  I am tired and sick and overwhelmed.

I decided to call my boss and discuss options.  I was already destined to be late for work so I might as well just see if I could call in sick.  I needed a break …or at least a nap.  I left him a voice message and he texted me back and gave me the day off.    That helped a ton.

I then ran some errands with my nose all red and no makeup on, something I would NOT normally do.  I just didn’t care.  Next I ate a big breakfast and went back to bed.  The puppy and I took a HUGE nap and then, finally I felt better.  I did get the house in order and felt much better by the time the grandparents arrived just after supper.  The dog was quiet the rest of the day.  Husband says we will train her.  I am not sure if you can.  I am still sad but with enough sleep now, I won’t be crying uncontrollably.

Still No Name

This morning Husband watched the puppy for 2 hours so I could go run and he also made shims for my dog gate so it would fill the wider than normal doorway we need to secure.   He also talked to me about dog names some more.  We still can't figure out what we want to name our new little girl.  All of these things I would not have even dreamed he would do a few months ago.  It is great.  It's the way people should work together.

But I do have to say, I had forgotten how much work a new puppy is.  She has sharp teeth and tries to chew EVERYTHING and she can sneak a pee in the house if you turn your back for one second.  Worst of all, she is whining like crazy if I try to crate her.  That makes me nuts.  If I can't watch her because I need to do housework or whatever, I want to put her safely in the crate.  But then she whines so loud that I worry the neighbors will come over to complain.  I have never had a dog so noisy before.  This concerns me.  I can't stand yappy dogs.  :(  I sure hope she grows out of it!

We Did It

This morning all three of us piled in the car and drove the 3+ hours to pick up the puppy.  On the way back we stopped at a state park where there is an old burned down castle.  It was a much needed break from the car. 

On the way down, the 5 year old made it about an hour before she got ridiculously bored (despite all the toys she had in the back seat) and made the ride unpleasant.  On the way back, she had to hold the puppy.  Luckily the puppy didn't mind at all.

Puppy was asleep.

Best of all, Husband stayed calm and pleasant through the whole day ordeal.  I can't say we had fun, but I can say it went well considering we had 7 hours in the car with a 5 year old and an 8 week puppy to deal with.  Oh and the breeder lady turned out to be more shady than I thought....long story, but lets just say some odd things happened.

I really can't even begin to say how much I appreciated him driving and being so helpful.  I am so glad he is not being moody, negative and distant lately.  Of course, the minute we got home I told him to go do his own thing because I knew he needed some alone time being the Introvert and all.   He was more than happy to disappear.

Two Puppies

The week flew by and it was really a pretty good week.  Husband has been super sweet and helpful.

Monday night he even volunteered to pick up our daughter from school and that is usually my night to pick her up.  So while he took her to the gym with him (don’t worry she loves to go there) I tried to track down some brown leggings to go with her Halloween costume.   Then I picked her up from the gym and took her to swim lessons.  She is really doing great at swim lessons now which thrills me to no end.

Tuesday night is my normal night to bike with Uwe, but he was grumpy and we didn’t go.  We did watch TV coverage of all the terrible things Hurricane Sandy did to the East coast.  Wow I can’t get over the destruction and devastation.  My heart goes out to all involved.

Wednesday was Halloween so no ballet class.  Husband joined us at Beanies school for her Halloween party and we all had a good time. He then went back to work and I took my tuckered out 5 year old home to rest.  She did not go trick or treating because she didn’t want to!

As soon as I took the picture she wanted the make up off!

Thursday morning I ran with Stina as usual.  She is now pregnant (weeks not months yet) so I am kind of palling around with her as much as possible because I know in a few months she won’t be able to run with me anymore.  I am also going to sell her my jog stroller so next summer, we can drag the baby along on our runs.  Man I am going to miss her while she is out of commission thanks to her pending little rug rat.  She is always so much fun to chat with and I just enjoy her company so much.  She makes a 10 mile run fun!

After work on Thursday Uwe and I finally did get on the bike.  Yea!  We had a nice ride and then after I logged my phone into the Wi-Fi at his house and tried to upload some videos to YouTube.   I think I have it figured out but ran out of time and had to get home.  Right now I have ballet videos in my Smartphone that I can’t get out and I want to post them on the family blog so badly so Grandma can see them.

Tomorrow, we are driving to pick up the, yet to be named, pup.  Husband and Bean are both going.  It is going to be an all day family outing.  I am really excited.  Husband says he can’t understand why I would sign up for all the work of having a puppy.  I guess it’s a girl thing but I am so looking forward to having that little pup in my life.  I know it will be work, but I really want a dog because you know they are mans (and woman’s) best friend!

Self Medicating

It was a long weekend.  I thought too much and I drank too much wine.  I drink wine so I don’t think too much but it only works to a certain extent.

When I was in therapy many years ago, one of the things the therapist asked me is what is it in life that makes me happy?  What is it that makes me feel my life is worth living?  I thought about it and come up with a few basic things.  First, traveling and having adventures.  I love to go new places and do new things.  I love to try each new restaurant at least once. I used to take 2 or 3 vacations a year and travel to San Francisco, Lake Tahoe, etc.   I love to learn new things too which generally only happens if you get out of the day to day routine.  I used to travel a lot with my previous job.  Often to Detroit which is not all that glamorous, but I did find a little Indian restaurant there one time that to this day I still recall with great fondness.

Another thing that is really important on my quality of life scale is friends and relationships.  I am sure it is more of a girl thing, but having great friends and sharing my time and life with them means so much to me.  I am not a loaner in life.  I need and want to have people around me to experience life with.  Companionship, to me, makes life abundantly more joyful.

But, now, I am married to a loner (or as he says an introvert) and I am lucky to travel once a year at most.  Partly because I have a small child and don’t really have a babysitter but also because Husband is not fond of travel so any place I may want to go would probably mean ditching him and that is often hard to do.

And, even more troubling is the fact that I don’t feel Husband and I are friends.  We don’t share and connect like friends do.  We live in the same house and communicate as needed but he is not someone I would turn to should I need a friendly ear.

This weekend, Husband was nice and he did try hard to be what he thinks I want in his continued effort to make me happy.  But, nothing really can turn a man that doesn’t need a hug into a man that hugs his wife with passion and desire.  He will hug me because he thinks he should, not because he WANTS or NEEDS to.  It’s as simple as that.  And I know the difference and the result is that his hugs are pretty empty to me.

But even more than not having those things in my life I am mad at myself for basically trapping myself in a situation that effectively limits my options to do the things I love and have the life I want.  I have backed myself into a corner and there is no one to blame but myself.

I do put partial blame on my Husband who, if you ask me, lied about who he was and what he wanted in life long enough to confuse me into thinking we had more in common than we do.  But really blaming him doesn’t make a difference or solve anything now does it.

So, as I am mulling all this over I stop to remind myself that I need to just be happy with what I have.  My life is pretty good compared to most.  It could be so much worse.  I should count my blessing and be happy.  Just be happy and life would be great.  Sitting around pining for a past life or a different life is just a freakin’ waste of time and energy.  It is pointless.

YET- I can’t seem to just be happy with what I have.  So then I spend some time trying to figure out how the hell I can learn to be happy with what I have and quit wanting something I most likely will never get.  I don’t have an answer to that.  Friss says I need to meditate.  I don’t doubt that might help a lot.  I also know that I have tried it before and I was not very good at it.  Friss cautioned me that it could take years before I see results.  I know changing your thoughts is not going to happen overnight.  Yet I never seem to get started on my “practice”.  I am planning to join a meditation group I found here in town next spring hopefully that will be a big help in getting me on track.

My husband says he is happy.  I think mostly he is and I am jealous.

Baby

The new puppy has been selected and a down payment paid.  We will go to pick her up on November 3rd.  (3+ hour drive each way.) It has been hard to purchase a pup without actually meeting it first.  BUT, if you want a certain breed this is often how it is done.  So, lets hope it all works out for the best and she does not turn out to be a big barker!   Can't stand dogs that bark all the time!

Puppies

My husband is not a pet person.  BUT, I have been really wanting a new dog.  I miss miss miss my old dog.  So I found a breeder within driving distance and started eyeing her pups.  I was scared to broach the subject with husband thinking it would turn into a big fight.

Well, last night I brought it up and he pretty much said, he knew it was coming and although he would prefer to not have a dog, I could get a puppy.  Wow I am thrilled.

Then, today he took it to a new level........a first for him I am pretty sure.  He discussed this future puppy with me.  He told me which of the three he thinks is cutest and he even said he wants....wait for it.......wait......he wants to help with the training so the dog will respect and work with him too!!

We are going to have a family pet and all take care of it!!  WOOT WOOT

Beanie is going to love having a puppy.  I am going to hate the work, but love the dog. 

So, I can't pick between the three.  Top dog has cutest face but she is a blue merle and so was my Anselle; I worry she would look too much like the old dog so I would expect / want her to "be" like the old dog.  May be too much pressure.

Make a Plan and Stick to It

Tuesday was a really good day.  I did my morning run, got lots of work done at the office, at lunch time I found the perfect carpet for the new “lounge” area in my kitchen.  Well the carpet is a wee bit too big, but it was only $40 so it was perfect.

After work I joined my friends at a cyclocross event here in town.  I really just wanted to go home and work on my projects or just relax in my new lounge.  I was looking forward to seeing husband too!  That’s rare.  BUT, Tuesday I am scheduled for cycling so I went.  It was fun except I called a girl named Annie by the wrong name which was embarrassing.  I had her confused with another girl, and in my defense, they do look a lot alike.

When I finally arrived home husband helped me install the new carpet and was just as sweet as can be.  Lately he has been great.  I mean really nothing to complain about.  Heck he even went and got Beanie some cooler clothes Tuesday when he realized he had let her wear a winter outfit and the high was set to be 80 degrees.

Tuesday night I slept great; that hard, peaceful, all is right with the world sleep.  Wednesday morning I woke up and as I laid in bed in the dark, I thought how I was really happy.  How lately things have been darn good.  How husband has been so much better.  Really, if I feel like we are on the same team, I feel pretty capable of dealing with the rest of the world no matter what it throws at me.

So husband comes back in the bedroom with his coffee and flips on the morning news.  I asked him what his mom had to say last night (Me and Bean went to bed while he was on phone with her).  He then tells me they are not coming to visit this weekend as planned.  I asked why and he tells me because I am not going to be home.   WHOA (I sat up in bed like I was possessed) ………this is all effed up!!

To make a long story short, his parents have been on and off and on and off lately about coming to visit.  I hate when people make plans and then change them over and over again.  I like to make a plan and stick with it; more efficient, less confusing and quite honestly more responsible.  Also, historically, they want me and husband to go do things when they visit.  They encourage us to see them as babysitters and take some time for ourselves.  So this whole story stunk and I told him so.  I was honest and to the point and I did not start cursing or being an ass despite being pretty darn angry and upset.  (Good for me.)

He then told me that he thinks they just really don’t feel like visiting.  OK, that’s fine, but don’t blame it on me.  Don’t make me feel guilty or feel like I must cancel my plans at the last minute, plans I have had for weeks.

I signed up for a trip to a winery with some friends only after husband encouraged me to do it because we had a sitter and he would be bored if he went along having done the winery thing many times before.  I have never been so I was kind of looking forward to it, but it was no big deal really and I would gladly have passed on the opportunity if I thought husband or family would be upset with me.

So he left for work knowing I was upset.  I mulled over my options….maybe I should just cancel my outing on Saturday.  But then my friends would be upset that I backed out on them last minute.  I don't want to be that person!

I told husband I would call his mom and tell her I won’t go but he encouraged me not to because he thought it would put them on the spot to come and they didn’t want to.  His family plays these games.  Mine would just bluntly and honestly tell me they weren’t up for coming.  Simple.

After a few hours of mulling it around I decided that I would just proceed as planned and let him deal with his family and the consequences of their lack of commitment to a plan.  I really should not have to suffer because they can’t make up their mind or be honest about their intentions.  As long as husband is willing to keep Beanie then I am free to go and I am not going to feel guilty for it.  Besides, you know on Sunday I will watch her all day while he ventures off to do his own thing.

I was mad at his parents but now I am over being mad.  I am glad husband is trying to keep me happy and let me do my social things.  I will just let some time go by and call his mom and act like it never happened. 

Husband must have felt bad because he came home with a gift for me last night, a belated anniversary gift, a new fire pit for our new front patio.  How sweet is that!!

Teenagers Suck

Last Friday afternoon I had sat here at my desk thinking how nice it will be to finally have a nice quiet weekend at home.  No big road trips, no stressful parties, no big training plans or races.  Ok a very little race with Husband but really no big commitments.

Then around 4 pm things got derailed.  Ex-husband phoned to let me know that Ramone was in jail and to make it even worse, she was also 3 hours away from home!  She and a girlfriend had been road tripping to a music festival and got stopped for speeding; evidently, my daughter had some “magic” mushrooms in her possession.

Ex-husband told me he was going to go get her on Saturday morning so I offered to go along and to drive.  My car is more reliable than his and my head is certainly more level than his.  He is really neurotic at times.  He did not know a lot of details about what was going on but he did have the number of the sheriff’s office where she was being held so as soon as I got home from work, and had poured a glass of wine, I phoned to get the scoop.

The officer told me they were holding her for 24 hours and that at 3:10 pm on Saturday she would probably be released.  I told him we lived 3 hours away and he advised us to call at noon to see if she was for sure getting out before we drove all that way down there.  Other than that, he didn’t tell me much of anything but as best I could tell there was nothing I could do but wait until noon on Saturday and call back.

Husband and I spent the rest of the evening rearranging the kitchen and making a lounge/reading area at one end where the table used to take up a whole lot of space and rarely get used.  We moved the dining table to the middle of the room where we used to have an old table that was just a place to accumulate junk.

I found the chairs on Craigslist for $25 each. And the end table and coffee table had been in the basement.  I still need to buy an area rug and install a can light above the new kitchen table location.  But so far this makeover has been cheap and easy and I just LOVE it.  I wish I had done it years ago; it is so much more functional for us.

Saturday morning I needed to keep occupied so I worked on organizing my daughter’s clothes.  Her room was a disaster because the winter clothes had been dumped out and rooted through but had no place in the dresser to be stored. 

At 11 we went and did my husband’s little duathlon.  I had to run 2 miles and then he paddled 3.  We took second place.  I was pleased with my 16 minute time.  I did not warm up because I was distracted by neurotic ex-husband calling me to fuss out loud.  I finally got a bit testy with him and reminded him to settle down because we really had no information yet.

At noon I left the race and headed home to call the jail.  This time a female officer answered and she was not as nice as the man was last night.  She said she didn’t know anything and would not know anything until 3:10.  So ex-husband and I decided to just start driving that way.

As soon as I picked him up, he flopped the chair back and closed his eyes.  He told me he needed to relax.  I agreed and put in Eckhart Tolle’s New Earth book on tape; thought it may be just what he needed.  I know I didn’t want him yapping at me.

At 3:10 the girl called to say she was free.  We told her we were on our way but still an hour away so she would have to hang tight.  Her father relaxed a bit after that and he wasn’t so bad after all.  We talked about lots of topics and had a pleasant drive.  I was relieved.

We got there and found her waiting in front of the court house.  She was so happy to see us that she cried and hugged us both.  On the drive back she told us all about her experience and we offered up much parental advice.  Seems teens are more receptive to their parent’s ideas after they just spent the night in jail!  I sure hope she learns from this and it does not mess up her future.  They still have not formally charged her with anything.  She told us they had to get the lab results first.  I hope she falls through the cracks and we never hear from them again.  (Wishful thinking I know.)

It was around 8:30 when I finally arrived at home and Beanie was asleep which made me sad because I had really missed her.  Also, my back was killing me from spending the day in the car.  I HATE driving, especially at night.  I chatted with husband for a bit, he has been super sweet, and then I was soon asleep.

Sunday morning, I did my long run with Stina and told her the whole story.  She is such a good listener.  I felt much better after that.  Back home at 8 am Friss called and I had a really nice talk with him too.

The balance of the day was good; I hung out with Beanie and got lots of things done.   Still, Monday came way too fast and I never did get a chance to sit and read in my new lounge.