Happy Family for 5 days in a row

Last Wednesday he was sweet and attentive.  He even offered to bring me lunch.

Thursday, Thanksgiving day, he was loving and grateful. 

Friday he helped me move furniture and set up a better home office at my house.  He helped with Beanie so I could work a half day.  We put up the new Christmas tree and he was properly awed by it.  He was the model husband.

Saturday Beanie went to a birthday party and JDK whipped out the $20 for the gift.

Saturday evening we went over to some friends house.  He purchased some wine and snacks on the way.  We had a good time.

Yesterday he busted his butt to put up the Christmas lights on the Blue house.  Neither of us had ever put up light before so I was worried it wouldn't go well and he would get grumpy but no, he got it done and didn't gripe. 

We even talked more about which house to keep and he seems genuinely interested in getting rid of at least one of these houses.  We both agree it is an expense we don't want to continue for too long.

Then he went to the gym and offered to bring home dinner on the way back.  I told him I wanted to make chili but it would be a long list.  He happily encouraged me to make a list and offered to help cook.  He purchased all the groceries and brought them home, cooked the ground beef and was totally happy to be under foot in the kitchen. We made a nice dinner together and then all three of snuggled on the couch and watched a movie.

Really, it was a great past 5 days.   We need more of this!!!

Thanksgiving

For Thanksgiving we went to his parents house.  We had a very nice day.  Everything was really great except for a few times his mom made me feel like I a was a nice visitor and not part of the family.  That kind of hit me hard but I shook it off as best I could.  He says they are still adjusting.  ..........OK.

The days before thanksgiving were a big giant pile of crap tho.  Lets back up to the Saturday before Thanksgiving...so November 19th.  I was talking to JDK about the whole time together and social time thing because I was feeling a bit chapped about the way he used to take Roslyn out in public often and she has become friends with, or at least met, all his co-workers (in 10+ years I have never met his boss).  It all goes back to how he was ashamed of me at first and then never wanted to be seen with me in public.  He truly avoided all public activities with me as much as possible.  Being married to a guy that doesn't want to be seen with you is pretty shitty and I guess I was still angry at him for it so I asked him why he treated her differently.  His response was that she didn't require him to interact with her at home so he had tons of free time which left him energized to be more social more often.  So....she was less demanding and easier to get along with at home leaving him feeling less drained "socially" around the house.

Side note:  He claims, being an introvert, he only has a very little amount of energy for other people; that all social occasions wear him out and he requires alone time to recharge.  Now, I am an introvert too, and social engagements are taxing for me as well, however, I believe your family is NOT a social occasion....it's your family.  They are the people you relax with and don't need to "try" with, so I don't necessarily buy his whole theory.  Being with your wife and kid should not wear you out so completely.  UGH

As you can imagine I was not happy with the answer.  So I asked him why the hell would he screw up such a great relationship with someone who was so obviously a better match for a guy that doesn't want to deal with other people?  He yelled at me "because I still love you!"  And he was mad the rest of the day.  Hell, he was mad for days after that.  I dropped the subject but also told him that the reason I ask these questions not to be an asshole but because I truly want to understand.  All too often he doesn't make sense to me so now I ask lots of questions because I refuse to sit around and feel left in the dark.

So Sunday the 20th we were signed up to do a orienteering race.  He had signed us up telling me it would be a fun adventure we could do together because, you know, we are trying to do more social things together.  We dropped our daughter with his parents and went to the race where he chatted with old friends (people I don't know even though he met them while we were married) and acted like he barely knew me.  Then the race started and he ran ahead of me and I just tried to keep up.  He did wait for me once in a while or he would have totally lost me but basically I just chased after him through some crappy thorn riddled woods for an hour and a half.  Not at all the fun together experience I was hoping for.  However, in an effort to be sweet, loving and nice I was patient and kind and didn't complain.  Oh and I got first place in the woman's race.  Surprise!

Sunday night we left Beanie with his folks and traveled home to be kid free for the next few days.  On the drive back he seemed better and told me he was happy I wasn't napping or on my cell phone.  (See, he contradicts himself.  Does he want me to leave him alone or not?)   Once we got back home we tried to figure out something fun to do but finally decided it was too late to go out so he just turned on the TV and fell asleep. It was only 7:30 and I was disappointed.

The next day, Monday, we both had to work so sometime late in the afternoon I called him to get a fix on what he wanted to do after work.  I assumed he would be hot to ride his bike so I offered to ride trainers with him.  I wanted him to enjoy his evening!  He confess he had already done a bike ride and had only worked a half day.  He offered to take me out for dinner or drinks and said he would be over around 6 to pick me up.

I got all dressed up and was so excited to finally go out on a date!  He arrived and we left the house still trying to decide where to go.  Then I had a great idea, I told him I wanted to go to his favorite bar in town; a place I had never been before.  I love going new places.  (Even though I figured he probably frequented the place with Roslyn.)   He cautioned that they don't serve food but we could carry in, so we ran in the grocery store on the way to pick up some sushi.  He poo-pood my choice so I conceded and we got his choice.  At the checkout he scans the label and sarcastically says to me "NO NO....don't worry, I got it."   I was like seriously....we are tying to go out and have a fun date night and you are going to be petty about who is paying for some take out sushi from the grocery store!?  I said it light heartedly but was truly shocked.  The night was down hill from there....we ended up arguing most of the night and going to bed in tears; where he proposed we make love to sooth our hurt feelings.  I told him I was NOT in the mood after the crappy evening.

The next morning I gave in and had sex because I want him to be happy.  I don't want to keep "clashing".  He seemed happy enough and we both went to the morning run together.  Where he proceeded to stand at least 5 feet away from me as we waited for the runners to arrive.  Why?  What is wrong with him?  If we are a couple why can't he stand by me like a normal spouse?  Of course I pointed it out when we got home and he lectured me on how I should be counting my blessing and stop being so critical.  No he didn't even apologize or deny that he was distant. He just criticized me for mentioning it.  But seriously I can't continue letting him make me feel abused!

Tuesday after work we were supposed to go see a movie at 8.  He showed up at my house around 6:30 and proceeded to lay on the couch and go sound asleep.  Once again I felt he was avoiding taking me out so I sat and watched TV and felt rejected.  When he woke up it was too late for the movie and I told him I was disappointed.  (Let's fight some more!)  So he then told me it was all my fault for not waking him and that he had been excited to go out and see the movie.  GAH....he makes me crazy!!!  You see this is all my fault because nothing is ever good enough for me.  But seriously why can't he be excited to spend time with me.   I went to bed furious that we wasted 3 whole days with no kid!  I couldn't even sleep I was so pissed off.  3 days of fighting.  NO FUN AT ALL.

Tuesday he was probably off work and did a big bike ride, drank beer or played with his tractor and was just exhausted and would have probably taken me to the movie to make me happy if I had pushed harder for it, but really why can't he just make quality time with me a priority when we don't have the kid!!?!?  AND...when he has the kid he shows up here at 5 pm.....not 6:30.....so yeah.....he has the time he just chooses not to show up and be with me.

Wednesday I worked all day.  He offered to bring me lunch and was super sweet....trying to smooth it all over.   I was super busy at work so passed on the lunch date.  However, we both vowed to have a good family thanksgiving.  I was so sick of fighting!!  We left town around 5 pm and arrived at his parents house at 7 pm where JDK was in a great mood and we all had a fun evening.

He says that I bring him down and I swear he starts the "down" spiral and I just succumb to the negativity and distance he creates.  From now on I am going to be super vigilant and when he starts to get "off" with his mood I am not going to just brush it off or let it go I am going to point it out in an effort to get him to connect his behavior and moods to how he treats me and Beanie.  We are going to figure this shit out.  Because I really do believe he wants us all to be a happy in tact family.  It just seems like the execution is really hard at times.

Oh and he admitted he was a jerk at the race because he was mad at me for starting the fight the day before.

TIME

The new job is keeping me busy.  The old job still needs me a few days a month.  My kids require time and attention.  I want to spend more time with JDK and making our relationship solid and happy.  I NEED to get to the gym, do my runs and keep myself healthy.  It is all getting a little overwhelming right now.  I feel I am spread too thin.

This last week I haven't been sleeping well.  Between the election, feeling that I am letting my co workers down by not getting everything done in a timely fashion and knowing that Roslyn is in town, I have been stressed.  I haven't been getting to the gym as I would like because I am working so much which also gives me anxiety.  I don't want to slip back into unhealthy habits.

I figured out where Roslyn lives.  She purchased a small home near the hospital where she works.  It is also right near where husband works.  At first I was relieved that she was not near me and that I wouldn't be running into her in the grocery store; that drive byes wouldn't be convenient.  Then it hit me how easy it would be for him to go see her during work hours.  It is literally a mile from his office.  I need to trust that he won't.....I think I did trust him until I read her texts to him and she seemed friendly.  He told me she hates him and I was hoping she did.  But, I snooped his phone and found they had been in touch a bit more than I knew.  She told him she went to Ireland over the summer.  She didn't seem angry at all.  He said she was over it all and that she has moved on.  I am not so sure she wouldn't take him back.  I guess it doesn't matter.  I can't worry about it....if it happens it is out of my control.  I have to focus on trusting, loving and building and not doubting.  But sometimes it is hard.

The new job is with a successful, growing company.  The work load keeps increasing.  I told them I needed part time but they have heaped a lot on me. I am not sure this will work out but the benefits of working at home and making my own hours keeps me hanging in there.  Hopefully I can get over a hump and get into a groove and feel less overwhelmed by it.

The biggest issue lately, because it is the most critical thing in my mind, is time with JDK.  We have a 9 year old with us most every waking moment that we are together.  The only time we have alone to talk or cuddle is after she goes to bed or before she wakes up.  So maybe an hour in the evening when we are both exhausted and an hour in the morning when we are not awake yet and suffer from morning breath.  This lack of quality time is causing problems.  JDK wants to spend it having sex because that is the most important thing to him.  I want to spend it talking which is the most important thing to me.  Ultimately we are usually too sleepy to do a very good job at either of these things which is not good.  We need a babysitter way more often but there is just not a lot of options.  There has been hurt feelings and miscommunication about these issues and it makes me worry.

Last night we had a good talk and hopefully we are both back on track.  It makes me sick when I feel like we are both trying so hard yet we are still failing each other.

He finally agreed to go skiing this winter.  I am excited about that.  I am sure he will love it.  I am going to do a better job at being enthusiastic about having lots of sex with the lights on so he can watch (ugh).  I do love to make love with him.....it's just time.....it never feels like a the right time.

SUCKER

This is my favorite picture of Kevin.  He is a bit over 6 feet tall and when he is at a healthy weight, he is tall and handsome.  He looks good for 50 with a boyish charm.  AND I hate black t-shirts but I was happy to love him for what he was on the inside and not care about his "Harley guy" style which is so not my thing. 

I remember the day I took this photo, I was feeling so very much in love and happy that I finally found a wonderful man that truly loved me.  I believed he was the love of my life and we would grow old together.

I think the hardest part of all of this was finding out that it was a lie....that I was a sucker.  That I believed in him and trusted him and he totally betrayed me. 

I WAS SUCH AN IDIOT......A TOTAL SUCKER!

I can't stop beating myself up for not knowing....somehow I should have been smarter.  I don't think it even makes sense that I could have known; yet I keep thinking how dumb I was to fall for him.

Today I stopped by his office to give him a package that had been mistakenly delivered to my house.  I hadn't seen him or talked to him at all in at least 4 months.  My heart was racing as I walked in the building.  I was kind of hoping he would look terrible and I would think "man...he's disgusting...what did I see in him?"   He was at the front desk talking to a customer and he smiled a big warm smile at me and mentioned he had been wondering where his package was.  I handed it to him and left quickly.  I was simultaneously relieved and disappointed that he wasn't alone in his office.  I wanted to look at him more....longer...deeper.  But why? That would be a waste.  I walked out of there knowing that it didn't matter at all.  That I would have been looking into a shallow soul of a selfish idiot.  That moment that he smiled just reminded me of how much I loved him.  Sadly, he still looks handsome to me.

There are days when I remember the good times and my heart aches for that man.  Then I have to remind myself that the man I fell in love with wasn't real and doesn't even exits.  He was a lie that this man named Kevin perpetrated against me. 

I then think about the little 23 year old girl that he was romancing behind my back ...and under my nose and remind myself that this man is a seriously fucked up individual who royally screwed me and my family over because he doesn't have the maturity to make good decisions and respect other people.

Oh how I wish I could go back in time and have the guts to kick him out the minute I found out.  I wish I had been able to just turn off my heart and extricate me and Beanie as swiftly as possible and exit the whole situation with grace and dignity.  I am better than who I was last summer and I am ashamed for so much of what I have done in the past two years.  He wasn't worth the pain I endured and I should have been stronger and never let him crush me.

Election Shock

I haven't been on FB talking politics and I have barely spoken to my friends and family about all this but today I feel like making a post.....just to get it out of my system and organize my thoughts, feelings.

 

 

In my wildest dreams I never thought that anyone in their right mind would elect this man president of the United States!

I'm in shock!

I sat up Tuesday night watching the election results in total disbelief.  I was horrified.  Not because my choice lost (and I am not a HRC fan but had to vote for her obviously) but because this man is a vile human being, a narcissist in its purest form.  He is not suitable for office and has no idea what the job even entails.  He is so full of himself that he thinks he can run this country....with ZERO experience.....he thinks he is the smartest person alive.  He is delusional!  It is so obvious to me and I can't believe that the majority of Americans can't see that.  How stupid is the "unwashed masses" (as Bob Magness used to say)?

For me that was my first thought.....I can't believe that the majority of Americans are this stupid!

WOW ....eye opener!

How could they fall for this guys BS.  He doesn't mean a word he says.  He just spews things out for effect.  It's totally unrealistic to build a wall and make Mexico pay for it!!  I heard it would take like 30 years to even build it.  It makes no sense to bring manufacturing back to the US.  We can't afford to have our clothes made in America, labor is too expensive.  And who will pick the fruits and vegetables when he deports all the illegals?

I'm not even worried about his groping of women or him being friends with the KKK (although how sick is he?); it is his God Complex that is troublesome to me.  He seems reckless and emotionally unfit.  I do wonder if he is on drugs....why don't they drug test this guy?

It has taken me a day to even understand what happened.  I know perfectly nice, normal, rational people who voted for him.  I kept think "how can they do that?!!!"

But...I think I figured it out......what it boils down to is they want change.  They aren't happy with their lives or how the economy is treating them. They don't trust the career politicians so pretty much anyone who wasn't an insider had a really good chance at winning.  So the real crime here is how has America gotten to a place where experienced politicians are MORE scary than a rich, narcissistic lunatic?

The irony of this is that he will have to hire experience politicians to help him do his job.....so really not that much will change.  The politicians will still be there doing their thing. 

I wonder how he feels now that it's a reality.  Is he really excited to serve the people or maybe, just maybe, now that he WON is he over the whole game?  I also worry that he will be assassinated or will have some scandal that will be an embarrassment to the U.S.   It just seemed too risky to trust him for this job but I guess I now have to wish him the best and hope it all works out OK.

One thing I will say is that I think the health care system is totally jacked up ....so maybe he can get that fixed.  That would be nice.

Strength

The year in the blue house with Kevin here treating me like crap really took its toll on me both emotionally and physically.  Not sleeping, not exercising, constant stress, it was terrible.

After he moved out I immediately started to sleep better; which also may have been because I wasn't holding JDK's lies anymore.  What ever it was, I finally started to actually sleep well most nights.  That makes a HUGE difference in the quality of life.

Then there was the physical deterioration.  When I finally started back to running regularly the weather was so hot and muggy that run after run felt like a death march.  More than once I cut a run short and cried all the way home.  I was trying to do long runs alone which is not good for my psyche; I really need some company for distraction.  And then there are my bad feet, they were killing me.  After a few months of nothing but crappy runs I really started to wonder if I would ever feel strong and healthy again.  I started to entertain the idea of giving up running and just concentrating on cycling.  But then, as soon as we had a little cool weather, I had a run or two that was "not so bad".  Next I ran the half marathon and did so much better than expected.   It was a turning point.  I decided that I could and I would keep running.   Just last week I actually felt GOOD while running.....I felt like the old me.   This last Saturday I was running a 9 minute mile again.  I am so happy and hopeful.

Yesterday I biked about 22 hilly miles and for the first time in forever I felt pretty strong on the bike.  Like climbing hills wasn't just pathetic.  And for the last few months I have been regularly lifting at the gym and I am almost back to my "normal" weights.  It took way longer than I expected but I am getting back to normal.

Maybe some of this is just age.  It's hard to tell.  I do believe that my knees creek more and my shoulders pop all the time because of my age.  I now snore with my mouth closed.  (I didn't even know that was possible!)  My feet are certainly worse these days....which was probably inevitable.  I climb out of bed in the middle of the night to go pee and hobble all the way to the toilet because the souls of my feet feel sore.  I don't think I recover as quickly from a hard workout as I used to.  But that is just normal and I know it.

Last week we found out that Roslyn is now living in town.  This is not what either of us wanted.  We wanted her to go away, disappear, become a bad dream that we woke up from.  But now we have to face the fact that she is here and we will have to come face to face with her. 

At first we both took this hard.  He got sullen and quiet and I felt fearful.  But then, just like we have been doing for the last 6 months, we talked about it....we pulled together and we reaffirmed our mutual commitment to be a happy couple and support each other in life.  We agreed that we would not let her presence ruin an event, that we would not avoid attending things for fear of seeing her. That we would do just as we please and not worry about her.  She doesn't matter.  HA!

I am proud of us both for digging deep and finding the strength to dig ourselves out of this hole we created.  He often tells me he is grateful for the second chance. I always say "ME TOO!!!"

Irony

When I left husband it was mainly because he had told me repeatedly that he was doing the best he could and that "best he could" was leaving me feeling lonely and rejected.  I saw two choices, either move on or spend the rest of my life in an unhappy marriage.

When he got the new girlfriend he bent over backwards to win her over and really he is a good catch in so many ways it is no wonder that she fell for him. 

I always assumed that after they had been dating for a while and she was "won over" he would get back to his old ways and start treating her much like he treated me which would leave her feeling less like a partner and more like a wife appliance; you know, useful but not loved and respected.

But that's not how it worked out.  Instead, he decided that he would have to change his ways if he ever expected to have a healthy, lasting relationship.  I do believe that in day to day interactions he treated her WAY better than he treated me.  He made it a point to do all the things I had been asking for so she wouldn't leave him too.  I heard it from others, I saw it from things I knew and she even told me how much he adored her and how she basically had him wrapped around her little finger.

The other day he was telling me something personal and intimate and I heard a little voice inside my head start to judge what he was saying based on how he treated me when we were married.  It said "yeah, that sounds great and all but I know you are just saying it to sound great at all and you don't REALLY mean it."

Then I remembered that he probably said these same things to her and she believed him and thus it strengthened their bond and closeness. 

Throughout this process one of the biggest challenges has been to accept the current behavior at face value and enjoy it and not pull past wounds and judgements in on the situation.  This is a "new" relationship for us and I need to let it be just that.  He can't show me better and do better if I don't let him or believe him. 

So I put the negative past out of my mind and embraced the situation like he was a new person and thought how sweet he was and that it made me feel happy and loved.  And just like that things feel better and closer and kinder.

The irony is that he showed me he could do better with this other women and knowing that makes me feel a lot more confident that he can do it for me too.  I found out that he CAN do better and now he wants to better for me.  Not sure I would have believed him if I hadn't seen it happen for her.

I do believe that after I left he was really sorry that he couldn't put down his resentment and really show me love while we were married. And by the time he felt he could it was too late. Now he tells me all the time how happy he is that we have a second chance to make a good life together.

I do believe he loves me now and he shows me by trying to make things better in any way he can.