Portraits

Over on Chumplady the other day they were talking about "what they asked for in the divorce".

One of the big topics was how many of them didn't even ask for pictures of there own kids!  In fact, the hot item that most cheaters wanted was the Dyson vacuum.  Which at first seems funny but then if you think about it, it totally makes sense.  The reason they want the vacuum is so they can vacuum their new apartment so when the AP comes over she/he will be impressed with how nice the place looks. 

The other random things they take are usually requested because there is a need.  They ask for the tools because someone recently requested they fix something or they ask for the paring knife because they were recently trying to prepare a meal and thought "crap I wish I had that good knife." 

When my father left my mother I remember so clearly how he rented a small U-Haul truck and backed it up the driveway.  He loaded it with (not sure if anyone was over to help load?) his desk, his bar that he hand built, his clothes and that was it.  He didn't take any household goods; not a dish or a rake.  And, of course, he didn't take any photos of us kids.

I didn't know it at the time but he was moving to an apartment so that is why he didn't need any of the house maintenance equipment.  He was also moving in with his MOW who was probably taking her favorite kitchen items and then they planned to buy all new everything else.  I am sure my father wanted Mona to get all new whatever she wanted and to not be soiled by the presence of anything that my mother may have owned.

I suppose there may have been some guilt involved in a sort of half asses backwards way because taking so little meant that he could feel good about the fact that he didn't wipe her out.  He would be able to tell the world that he generously gave my mom EVERYTHING.  However, I bet you if he had been moving to a house he probably would have had no problem taking a lot more stuff.  I mean I don't think he has much of a conscience.

I was also thinking about when I moved out of JDK's house.  At the time I knew I was moving to a MUCH smaller home and only took the basics as far as equipping a new home.  I knew I wouldn't have a lot of room and needed my precious little storage space for sentimental, irreplaceable things....like the old photo albums.  So I ended up leaving TONS of things behind that he basically got for free because I had purchased them out of my paycheck or they predated him.  (I bought the house about 4 years before he and I first met.)

Recently as we have been outfitting the new bigger house I have lamented leaving so much behind.  I have thought to myself I should have just packed it ALL into a rental storage unit on principal.  Then again that would have been a lot of work and money and I probably would have ultimately only needed a very small percentage of the stuff.  Still, when he tallies up what he got he doesn't seem to assign any value to that stuff and trust me he got a lot: bookshelves, the expensive refrigerator, my tool bench in the garage, the pool table, 90% of the kitchen stuff.  I paid for the new carpet and paint and everything too.

Really this whole thought revolves around me still resenting how he always took as much as he could for himself and rarely GAVE anything back.

When I moved out I ,of course, took all the things that were sentimental to me including the portraits of my children.  When I was packing those up he bitched that he wanted some of the framed photos of Beanie.  This very same man never wanted me to hang photos up saying it was vein.  He NEVER took a photo of anyone the whole time we were together thus I have no photos of me with my child unless I hooked up a timer to my camera or we had company.  He didn't pay for a single portrait sitting and I was pretty diligent about doing professional pictures every 6 months until she was about 3 years old.  He didn't shop for or pay for a single frame that was on the wall.  I can't remember now but I may have left him one or two framed wall portraits of the kid that were in frames that I didn't like and I knew I had another print.  Or maybe I did take them all out of spite because he had always been so anti-portrait with me.  He complained every single time we got photos done!

I remember at the time thinking it was odd that he suddenly wanted photos of her.  I now realize that he wanted those portraits to be left behind so the new girlfriend would come over and see them on the wall and assume that he is a loving father who proudly displays pictures of his daughter.  I am sure it was all about impression management with her and not driven by his sentimental attachment to the pictures themselves.  I believe he loves his daughter but he is not a sentimental person at all.

Compare that to Kevin who when I met him had NOTHING but photos of his kids to decorate his home.  He had never purchased wall art and was not the kind of guy to decorate.  (JDK has certainly conned both me and his first ex wife into leaving him a decorated home so he would look like a stylish guy.) Kevin had however taken his kids to JC Penny's (all by himself) and had portraits done on more than one occasional and of course he had some very nice senior pictures taken.  I know he put money and effort into such things for his kids, his parent and himself because he loves them very much and is proud of them.