Communication

In mid April, JDK and I had a HUGE fight.  It all started when I sent him a link to this article.   At the time I had decided that conflict avoidance was the root of our issues.  In my mind it answered the ever lingering question of why we can't communicate properly.

This is how I had it figured out: First, he has always been loath to talk about anything personal or intimate, especially if it might bring up some strong emotions.  So maybe the reason he doesn't tell me what he is really thinking is because he just wants to keep the peace.  He assumes that if he expresses his feeling that it will start a fight so he just keeps his mouth shut.  However, then he acts out in other ways by pouting, distancing or passive aggression.  All of those things upset me and I feel that I am not allowed to explain my feelings because he HATES to talk so I keep my feelings to myself which drives me crazy so then I act out accordingly.  It is not my nature to hold it all in......I like the truth at all costs.

So....He doesn't want to communicate; he makes me feel I am not allowed to communicate, therefor no one is communicating but plenty of feeling are in the air creating tons of misunderstanding and animosity.

After a while I find it harder and harder to push my feeling down and eventually I erupt and we have a fight.  The fight further solidifies in his mind that communication is bad AND, on top of that, he feels wronged because he has been so "good" to me by not criticizing me for anything or airing his hurt feelings (directly). Simultaneously I am frustrated because I desperately want an open and honest relationship yet he just refuses to participate.  I then feel that my attempts to communicate backfire completely and I need to try harder to shut up, pipe down and not express my feelings.

See how this can be a vicious cycle!?!?

This also gets him off the hook for many of the things he does that seem totally jerky to me; things I interpret as him not really caring for me much at all.  For example, when he doesn't seem to care where I am or what I am doing or who I am with I view that as him just not caring about me or our relationship.  However, in his mind maybe he feels that to ask or express concern could start a fight so he just keeps quiet.  He does this to keep the peace....which is way better than doing it because he just doesn't give a fuck.  (thinking back to all the time I spent with Kevin and JDK never ever seemed to mind.)

So, I find the article and I send it to him with hopes that maybe it will open his eyes to this cycle he has put us in and understand that not communicating is BAD, not good.

The next day I ask if he read it and if we can talk about the article.  He says yes and then starts a huge fight.  I told him more than once I didn't understand why he was being so hostile and he said "you want to fight, I'll give you a fight!!!!"  I calmly told him repeatedly that he needed to re-read the article (I suspect he just read the title) and understand that I am just asking for communication.  Eventually he sucked me in and we had a HUGE fight; the worst one we have ever had.  It left me very shaken and really doubting everything.  That night it felt like he was just out to get me which is a huge shift given his normal apathy.

After days and days of reflection I have come to the following conclusions:
1)  The article isn't really the problem.  He doesn't have an issue with confrontation if he feels it is in HIS best interest.    However, he has decided that mostly it is in HIS best interest not to communicate, so he actively avoids it.  This is done out of selfishness, not to keep the peace.  Or maybe, in a way, keeping the peace is a selfish act.  He just doesn't want to deal with my feelings.
2) He is a self centered, only child and it is VERY hard for him to "give" to others. I think his mind wants to be a better person but it is hard for him to fend off the selfish habits he has grown to love over the years.
3) I think he dearly loves our daughter and really wants to do what is best for her.
4) I think he loves me in his own way.  He doesn't view romantic love like I do.  I think he is used to me.  I think after all these years I feel comfortable to him.  I think he is very happy with me as long as I am agreeable and give him sex.  All the other things between us seem to work pretty well.  Mostly I am giving and not demanding and that satisfies him.
5) I think he likes an intact family and wants a stable happy home for all three of us.  So that is good.  He basically wants what I do.....at least in his mind.
6) His anger that night was an anomaly.  I am not concerned that it was a glimpse into his true character.

During the fight I expressed my concern that he seems to have a lack of commitment to me...as his "spouse" (or what ever I am supposed to be).  I explained the whole money for rent thing to him...I vs. Us attitude.  He told me he was totally willing and happy to have a joint account like we had discussed.  He said I dropped the subject and he didn't know why so he just rolled with it.  (This is how lack of communication works to his advantage....if he is never clear about what he wants he can later claim I just misread him.)  He said his feeling where hurt when I asked him to start paying rent.

See how this is frustrating for me?  I didn't beat him over the head with the idea so now it was my idea to let it go.  He takes no responsibility for how it worked out.  He gets to claim he is an innocent  victim.

GRRRR

He told me that he doesn't want to commit becasue I am never happy with him.  That no matter what he does it doesn't make me happy.  I told him that his lack of commitment is what makes me unhappy, so I guess we have a chicken and egg issue.

SO....I have set out to prove (or disprove) his theory.  I have been happy and loving for the last month, with the exception of the dang dog nail issue.  I have just decided to be happy with how things are because it does no one any good to be unhappy.  I figure if I am happy for the next 6 months or year or whatever, he can't claim that me being unhappy is what fends him off.

I want to be happy and healthy and if he doesn't feel more committed in the next year or so I will be in a much better frame of mind to move on and look for a better situation.   I will feel I gave us a real chance and it didn't work.  I am not going to "play" family with him forever.  It's not right or fair.

Follow up to Crabby

The next day JDK and I talked about the dog nail incident.  He thought I had really over reacted so I explained that part of my reaction was frustration because I am rather sick of having to nag, for weeks, that the dog needs it's nails trimmed.  All the while Olive hobbles around the house on her nails and goes CLICK CLICK CLICK on my wood floors.

He admits he doesn't want to be a pet owner and doesn't want to do it.  I told him then he should take her to a groomer or vet and get it done by a professional.  He should just take her regularly so we can have a house with less drama.

He agreed!
...........and then tried to delegated it to me.  I told him it was his problem not mine; explaining that I don't want two dogs and didn't sign up for that and he should take care of her.  He said he would take care of it....we will see what happens.

Everyone is always trying to push off their work on me.  I have to say no.  I am always buried in my TO DO list.  I don't have time to get my own car fixed much less do everything for others.

The good news is that he was willing to discuss and problem solve.  The bad news is he really was completely clueless as to why I would have been upset with him.  Evidently when I remind him (calmly) over and over again it doesn't register to him that I could actually be frustrated that the issue lingers on for weeks and weeks with no resolution.

I have had this issue before.  I remember distinctly, about 25 years ago, telling the older kid's dad and Friss, who was a teenager at the time, that I was sick and tired of people not listening to me or taking me seriously until I erupted in a fit of rage; that communicating in a civilized manner was just ignored by everyone.  Not fair to me at all.  They essentially force me to be a crazy yelling person or let them walk all over me.

The only reason JDK got the dog was because he expected Roslyn to take care of it.  Then when she left, he kept the dog because it was "Beanie's" dog.  That is where the problem started.  He got a dog for the kid knowing full well she would not take care of it.  If Roslyn was to care for it, it should have been her dog and she should have taken it with her.

My dog, which my daughter loves and plays with, is MY dog and I am responsible for her.  I signed up for that when I brought her home as a puppy. I do what needs to be done for her.  I do not expect other to do it for me.  I trained her to be a good companion for me.  I taught her to behave while I cut her toenails. 

His dog has not been trained at all.   She won't walk on a leash without pulling, she barks too much and she doesn't come if called, etc etc.  She is a pain in the ass and is a bad influence on my dog..

Crabby

Seems like when I am crabby I want to write a post.
Maybe it's just a way for me to release the pressure?
Isn't that what this blog is for?

Then I think to myself......... "self, don't just be bitchy over and over again on the blog, that's not cool, that's not who you are." 

So, of course, I don't post.
Feeling judged is something I spend way too much energy on.
Brene Brown needs to do a Vulcan Mind Meld on me!

At this point....I am pretty sure there are very few people reading this so that is good
....or is it bad?

Maybe I overthink everything?????

**************

This morning I forced JDK to trim his dog, Olive's, toenails (after weeks of nagging and reminding...again...it's a constant and recurring issue.) They were so long that she was having problems walking on the tile floor. 

As part of the process I had to hold the dog down so he could do her nails because no one trained this dog that nail trimming is a thing you have to do every month or so and they just need to comply.

I'm laying on the dog, I'm holding her feet still so he can trim, I'm wishing I had 3 hands, and I am in so much pain.  I had a bike wreck about a week ago and I think I broke a rib.  I'm trying to lay on this 80 lbs. dog so it will be still and it freakin' hurts LIKE HELL.

Eventually, the dog rears up in a fit of rebellion and I clamp down, trying to do my job of holding her still, and the pain in my chest is overwhelming. 

I strengthen my hold on the dog and declare out-loud, cause it fucking hurts like hell,  that it hurts me like hell and I am loosing my cool.

Yes, I verbalized my pain and struggle instead of just sucking it up and swallowing the pain.

So...of course, everyone is then mad at me.  JDK and Beanie start hating me because, you know, I am not a constant ray of sunshine that spends all my energy being the upbeat awesome person they want me to be.  You know how they deserve my unconditional love and support.  How dare I not make them feel happy and supported 24/7.

Meanwhile the dog actually realizes how pissed I am and settles down a bit.   GRRR

The whole thing is ridiculous.  Think about it.  I am on my broken rib holding down a dog for it's own good, even though it doesn't want to, making the owner be responsible even though he doesn't want to be and then they are all mad at ME because I am upset that my broken rib is retching ME with pain. 

And people wonder why I am crabby. 

They both left the house angry at me.